Five scenarios for TNA Impact's first five minutes
Here are my top five guesses as to what the big angle will be that TNA has indicated will happen during the first five minutes of Impact Monday night:
• An enraged Brutus Beefcake shows up, calls out Hulk Hogan and cuts a “shoot” promo. “You brought in Jimmy Hart, The Nasty Boys and even the Bubba The Love Sponge – all of your hangers-on – but what about me? What about Brother Bruti? No one kisses your butt the way I can, Terry. I’ve been your most loyal lackey for three decades. Heck, the first time I planted my lips on your butt was so long ago that Knobs only had two chins at the time. How come I never got as much as a phone call?” Hogan, looking shocked, replies: “What are you talking about, brother? I asked Bubba to call you while I was busy trying to negotiate a reality TV series for Nasty Nick to tell you that I had a contract for you. He told me that you respectfully declined because you wanted to earn your spot for the first time in your life. Oh, brother, I should have known he was lying right there! OK, I’ll settle this, brother. I’m signing a Hulk Hogan's travel bag on a pole match between you and Bubba. First one to climb the pole and grab my bag gets to carry it. The loser has to carry Knobs’ bag.”
• The show opens with Eric Bischoff sitting in Mike Tenay’s usual seat next to Taz at the announce table. Bischoff tells Taz that he now has a new broadcast partner, as Tenay has been “promoted” to a position on TNA’s Web site. “So you’re going to be an announcer again just like you were on WCW Nitro?" Taz says. "That’s great, boss. It’ll be an honor to ...” Bischoff interrupts him. “No, it’s not me, you idiot. It’s a guy you’ve worked with before.” Taz: “You mean the rumors are true? You signed Good ol’ ...” Bischoff cuts him off again. “That’s right. Good ol’ Mike Adamle!” Out comes Adamle with a silly grin on his face as he takes a seat at the table. “Long time no see, The Taz,” Adamle says. Taz turns to Bischoff: “Mr. Bischoff, is this a rib? Adamle is the worst announcer of all time.” Bischoff replies: “The fact of the matter is, I’ve never heard him. I just figured that since he worked for WWE, he must be better than someone who’s been in TNA for the past seven years. Isn’t that how you got hired?”
• Former WCW tag team champions Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater appear in the ring. “We’ve got unfinished business with them there Nasty Boys,” Buck says. “The fans have been waiting 16 years for us and The Nastys to settle things once and for all.” Jeremy Borash then announces on Twitter that to make room for Buck and Slater on the roster, Beer Money and The Motor City Machine Guns have been released. “Creative just didn’t have anything for them,” he says.
• A couple minutes into a fast-paced match between Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed, the trio of Shane Helms, Charlie Haas and Paul Burchill – all wearing street clothes – hops the rail and lays out all four guys. Taz screams, “What the ... ? Those guys don’t even work here!” Helms grabs the mic and cuts a promo. “We’re here to deliver a message from the boys up North. You guys wanted a war, well we’re gonna give you one. You can just call us The Outcasts.”
• Hornswoggle comes out carrying the WWE cruiserweight title belt. Speaking clearly (since WWE owns the intellectual property to his unintelligible speech), he says that he never lost the belt, and he’s mad that WWE wouldn’t let him defend the title becase of his small stature. He then drops the belt into a trash can. “I know this is short notice,” he says, “but I just want a little competition.”
Comments
It sounds like you're not really looking forward to the first five minutes of Impact, Kev.
RESPONSE FROM KE: Actually I really am. Just having a little fun.
Posted by: Matthew | March 7, 2010 3:14 PM
Sheer genius. LOL
Posted by: Shane from Hit the Ropes | March 7, 2010 3:20 PM
Now this is solid investigative journalism. Sad part is, scenario #1 might actually happen.
However, my money is on the Ultimate Warrior showing up.
Posted by: Sean | March 7, 2010 3:38 PM
OMG!!! The funny thing is I can see 3 of these scenarios happening for real....
Posted by: Daryll B | March 7, 2010 3:40 PM
Short notice?! Your wasted on here!!!
If that 2nd option happens, I will be finding the show online and watching it!!!
Posted by: SteRDLK | March 7, 2010 3:40 PM
“I know this is short notice,” he says, “but I just want a little competition.”
Brilliant. It's just a shame that that one-liner was the most entertaining thing related to professional wrestling that I've seen in weeks.
Posted by: Michael in Virginia | March 7, 2010 3:46 PM
Wow Kevin. You need to hire some new comedy writers. That was painful. Are you sure you're not TNA's head of creative? Were you and Hall out partying last night?
Posted by: eric | March 7, 2010 3:55 PM
I am all for the Swoggle scenario...great stuff Kevin
Posted by: Eric | March 7, 2010 4:08 PM
Yep, sad but true. Even though I had to smile about some of the scenarios, something like this will most probably be the big surprise.
A big, huge dissapointment for the fans, delivered in a disastrous manner, only Bischoff, Hogan and Russo can come up with.
Posted by: Jasko | March 7, 2010 4:10 PM
I think you're a lock for comment of the week, Kevin. Funny stuff.
Posted by: Ken Raining | March 7, 2010 4:10 PM
This is funny and all, but the sad thing in all this is this is all stuff TNA would actually consider doing.
I just hope TNA prepares a Mike Adamale cheat sheet:
It's Impact, not Nitro
It's Hulk Hogan, not Rip
It's Abyss, not Kane
It's Sting, not The Undertaker
It's A.J. Styles, not Ric Flair
And you'll now have a chance to atone for your biggest mistake, his name is Jeff HARDY!
Posted by: bignasty247 | March 7, 2010 4:22 PM
i loved the"outcast" one
Posted by: Chris | March 7, 2010 4:33 PM
Sadly, I think its more likely that these 5 things will happen before Daniels appears on the show again.
Posted by: Elevation | March 7, 2010 4:41 PM
Very funny Kevin!!
BTW, on a completely different note, seeing as I am a PEEP (as you may have guessed) do you think that Christian will win MITB and if so, when will he cash it in?
Many people think he may cash it in on Edge or Jericho at 'Mania but what if he cashed it in on Cena if he became WWE Champion thus reigniting their feud from back in 2005.. assuming that it is indeed Christian that wins the coveted briefcase?
Posted by: Captain Charisma | March 7, 2010 4:46 PM
The sad thing is, I wouldn't be that shocked if all this went down.
Posted by: Loco | March 7, 2010 4:51 PM
What'cha gonna do brother when Eckmania runs wild on you.
Posted by: Shadow | March 7, 2010 4:54 PM
The scenario with Adamle could actually happen.
Posted by: Jason | March 7, 2010 5:13 PM
Incredible. And all those things are possible.
Posted by: Cliff | March 7, 2010 6:34 PM
Actually, what will happen is Eric Bischoff, hulk Hogan, BTLS, Jeff Jarrett, Mick Foley, Kurt Angle, KEvin Nash, Sting and Dixie Carter will come out and announce a new era in TNA (and WCW for that matter) history. They have all come to terms and are all now on the same page. There will be no more power struggles for control of TNA, EVER!!! They will compete with WWE soley by delivering quality matches and coherent storylines. No more cheap gimmicks for publicity sake.
Unfortunately, before the handshakes and big group hug completes, Jeremy Borash's face appears on the TNA tron and announces that he has formed a union with Awesome Kong and BTLS and they are now in charge of TNA! BTLS then cheap shots Hogan and all hell breaks loose and so on and so on.
Posted by: AMC | March 7, 2010 7:52 PM
wah wah waaahhhhhhh hahahahahaha
not gonna lie eck you seem to have bischoff and russo anaylized pretty good
Posted by: robert longs | March 7, 2010 8:12 PM
How about this scenario......either Dixie Carter, Hogan, or Bischoff ( or all of them ) come out and say to the crowd that they are not gonna mention Vince, WWE, "New York", that "other" show, etc., nor will they worry about them or their show. Tell them TNA will present wrestling their way, and let YOU, the fans, decide for yourself which show you wish to view not what you're told to view..............nah, that could never work, could it?
Posted by: Horseman420 | March 7, 2010 8:19 PM
loooool . . . i just had to say how funny those comments were! . . .btw i wud LOVE to see Adamle in TNA, even if just as a rib on WWE lol
Posted by: duv_UK | March 7, 2010 8:40 PM
They shouldn't do anything special. That won't happen but it would be my choice. Why remind viewers that they have other sports entertainment choices? Declaring that it's "Monday Night" will be a bit redundant, don't you think? I will watch it live in total and DVR WWE. Whatever TNA does in the first five minutes it will be disapponting to most and blown off in this blog by others that have never even watched TNA and will not have watched on Monday night either. My choice for the first five minutes? That's easy - it would be the first 1/4 of a 20 minute Velvet Skye - Angelina Love 6-sided ring cage match, of course!
Posted by: Johnny Valentine was great | March 7, 2010 8:43 PM
Here is my guess for Impact's first 5 minutes.......
(Best Rock voice)
IT DOSEN'T MATTER WHAT IMPACT DOES IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES!!!!!
Posted by: mat | March 7, 2010 8:56 PM
Oh my god, hilarious. And, speaking as someone who wants TNA to succeed, just plausible enough to be scary.
Where ARE those "on-a-pole" matches? We all know it's a matter of time. I will mark out like crazy the first time one is announced...
Posted by: Jules B. | March 7, 2010 9:02 PM
My stomach is hurting from laughing so hard. Brillian!!
Posted by: Frank King | March 7, 2010 9:53 PM
Short notice? Little competetion? CLASSIC!
Posted by: clint | March 7, 2010 10:31 PM
Those all sound good, how about this one?
Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff walk out to cut their promo bragging how great they are and giving themself all the credit when out walks Dixie Carter.
She thanks them for all they have done, and claims that there is a new regime in charge of TNA. After Taz yells "What the hell is going on here?" for the umteenth time, the music hits and out comes the new chairman of TNA and hidden mastermind of the new Monday night wars none other than Shane McMahon!
Posted by: Chris | March 7, 2010 11:24 PM
I can't stop laughing. Brilliant stuff Kevin!
Posted by: MitZi | March 8, 2010 12:04 AM
Dude, that is hilarious! I felt like I was reading a MAD magazine parody of TNA.
So funny!
Posted by: Jon Munsey | March 8, 2010 12:06 AM
Good work. How about this: hogan and bish open the show in the ring with hall nash btls etc. In tow. A lame promo segment ensues when suddenly, SMASH, OMFG! It's austin! The rattlesnake charges down to the ring and hands out several stunners before turning tail and walking casually up the ramp. Just as he's about to make his exit, a visibly shaken kurt angle appears, the crowd can't contain their delight as the two engage in an intense staredown, then angle grabs the mic: 'please steve...take me with you' he says. After another intense staredown, the olympic gold medallist begins to weep. Austin places an arm gently around his shoulder and guides him to the exit. Closing shot: the two drive off into the sunset on the beer truck: 'i tried, i really did' angle cries,'its not your fault kurt, just be thankful you're not sting, he's had to go through that crap twice!' we have just enough time to see daniels, in full tramp gear, jump onto the moving truck, depression era-style, as the scene fades to black. The next day it turns out it was all a shoot and a grateful wrestling community thanks austin for ending the company then and there before things got really embarrassing.
Posted by: Amos | March 8, 2010 1:07 AM
Why the hateraid, Kev?
RESPONSE FROM KE: No hate. Just having fun.
Posted by: Ondi Lundgren | March 8, 2010 2:18 AM
here's another scenario:
dixie carter comes out and presents TNA's new adquisition: KEVIN ECK!!!
Kevin goes to the ring and cuts a promo about how great TNA is since the day it started, and he also states that he has seen all the episodes of impact. At the end he says how he loves TNA's new direction because it reminds him of his childhood as a fan.
one week later Eck would turn heel by denying everything he said last week because he suddenly he had changed his mind. he goes on to take revenge on the TNA creative team by writing a post about them on his blog about how stupid and "creative" they are.
On the next week, Eck suddenly turns face in an unexpected turn of events. he says that what happened last week was meaningless and he goes on to express his love towards TNA and its creative team, but says TNA needs to move in a new direction by pushing the younger guys. At the end of this show, and to everyone's surprise, he starts talking trash about WWE.
In the end of the storyline Eck is named head of the creative team and his first decision is to release The Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money and hire Ultmiate Warrior, Tito Santana and ex-WWE superstar Collin Delaney (remember him?)
Now i'd like to see that, but I guess you can't do that in the first five minutes of the show...
Posted by: Ciskabob | March 8, 2010 6:28 AM
How about Sting coming down from the rafters?
Posted by: Frank | March 8, 2010 10:20 AM
I think the Ultimate Warrior will be back tonight! ;-)
Posted by: Ray | March 8, 2010 11:54 AM
Genius, Mr. Eck.
Posted by: Johnny | March 8, 2010 12:10 PM
You stole 3 minutes of my life and I want them back.
Posted by: Rick | March 8, 2010 12:18 PM
GREAT--what about bringing back the THUNDERLIPS charactor?!?
Posted by: Sup-Lex | March 8, 2010 12:24 PM
In the case of Brutus the Barber Beefcake, I'd have to call it "shear" genius.
Posted by: Steve | March 8, 2010 12:26 PM
I think the punishment for losing the Hulk Hogan Bag on a Pole Match shouldn't be to carry Knobbs bag, but instead, to carry Knobbs...ouch.
Posted by: Orton.1 | March 8, 2010 1:19 PM
After i picked myself up off the floor from laughung so hard,it dawned on me that these very well could come true.I give this Junkyard Promotion 6 months till Hoogie runs it into the Ground.I,m waiting for him to bring out Nasty Nick and his bimbo sister for a match or are they still in re-hab or locked up?Allen
Posted by: Allen Eshleman | March 8, 2010 4:47 PM
What's scary to me is the thought that Vince Russo may actually read this and try one of these out and take credit.
And if the ratings go up by all of .1pt, we'll here about more 'smash tv' for months on end.
Posted by: Jayson Olson | March 8, 2010 4:53 PM
I nominate your post for Comment of the Week! I do hope you are not even close to guessing correctly, though, even in jest...
Posted by: jon in bradenton, florida | March 8, 2010 4:59 PM
GREAT show, EXCEPT for this Brooke-Hulk crap. GET THEM OFF MY SCREEN!!!!!!
Posted by: dablueguy | March 8, 2010 11:04 PM