Ok, so maybe it didn't go down this way ... as far as we know. But it could have, right? In this week's installment of Imaginary Conversations, David Gregory and several special guests on NBC's Meet the Press discuss the Orioles' upcoming season.

David Gregory: Hello everyone, and welcome to a very special edition of NBC's Meet the Press. I'm your host, David Gregory, and much like Mark McGwire's career numbers, my hair has been artificially enhanced. Thanks for joining us today. Instead of the usually partisan bickering, we're going to take a break from politics, step outside one Beltway and inside another, and have a roundtable discussion about the 2009 Orioles campaign. We've invited a number of special guests from a variety of fields and professions, including former Oriole Rafael Palmeiro, so let's get right to it. New York Times columnist Frank Rich, why don't you lead us off: What was your take on the Orioles' 10-5 victory over the Yankees Monday? 

Frank Rich: David, it seems pretty clear that George W. Bush was to blame for the Orioles decade of incompetence. Now that he's off living in a gated community outside Houston, the Orioles should have no problem returning to glory, much like the auto industry and newspapers. As I said last week, and the week before, and the week before that, President Obama can fix anything.

Gregory: Interesting. Governor Palin, your thoughts? Do you agree with the MacPhail Doctrine?

Sarah Palin: In what respect, David?

Gregory: Um, you know, the MacPhail Doctrine. Focusing on younger prospects, signing them to long-term deals, bringing players like Matt Wieters along slowly. Any Orioles that you expect big things from this year, Governor?

Palin: Oh, you know, all of them. You never know when the Steinbrenners are going to rear their head into Camden Yards airspace.

Bob Woodward: I actually know how to fix the Orioles. But you'll have to buy my book if you want to find out what I know.  

Angelina Jolie: Can I just interject here, David? As a goodwill ambassador for the UN, I'd like to say that my favorite player is Melvin Mora. If he ever wants to have five more babies at once, he can totally call me.

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Ok, so maybe it didn't go down this way ... as far as we know. But it could have, right? In this week's installment of Imaginary Conversations, Daniel Snyder looks to improve his football team by any means necessary.

Daniel Snyder: Mrs. Landingham! Gosh darn it, Mrs. Landingham! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, look at me ... I need attention! Pu-leeeaze!

Kathryn Joosten: (Sigh) Mr. Snyder ... how long do we have to keep this bit going? I mean, I appreciate the job and all, especially in this economy, but when can we stop pretending I'm really Delores Landingham from The West Wing? I have had more than 100 other roles you know. Most recently, I was the nosy neighbor on Desperate Housewives.

Snyder: Sorry, Mrs. Landingham, but whatever you said, I wasn't listening. I stopped paying attention to what other people say about 15 years ago. Saves time. Did I tell you I've been eating Skittles, snorting pixie sticks and doing jumping jacks all morning? I'm sooooo excited! I feel like a real grown up! I've finally figured out the way to fix my football team. Yippie! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! I AM SOOO smart! S-M-A-R-R-T! That's me!

Mrs. Landingham: (Sigh) Oh my. You're not thinking about bringing back Jeff George again, are you, sir?  

Snyder: Mrs. Landingham, I've decided that it was silly to spend a bunch of money on Albert Haynesworth. He was neato a few weeks ago, but he is also fat, and I am already bored with him. I wasn't thinking broadly enough, Mrs. Landingham. What I need to do is go hunt around and sign someone to be the team's silent guardian; its watchful protector out there on the field. Mrs. Landingham, I'm going to sign the Dark Knight.

Mrs. Landingham: To appear at your birthday party, sir? Because we've already booked the kids from Harry Potter. Remember a month ago when you said you wanted to play Quidditch with jet packs? We paid NASA like $30 million dollars for them and convinced Daniel Radcliffe to cancel an appearance in that bizarro play where he shows off his Elder wand.

Snyder: Nevermind my birthday right now, Mrs. Landingham. No, I want him to play safety. Who is going to get past The Batman, huh? Answer me that! I'm brilliant, Mrs. Landingham! Brilliant! I can't believe Jerry Jones didn't think of this first!

Mrs. Landingham: Oh dear. Sir ... how do I put this ... Batman is a fictional character. He's not a real person whom you can sign to play for the Redskins. This is like when you tried to hire the girl from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to guard you from vampires when you sleep. It's not real. It's possible that the actor, Christian Bale, might be willing -- 

Snyder: GET ME THE DARK KNIGHT ON THE &*#$^ PHONE MRS. LANDINGHAM! I DON'T CARE IF IT COSTS $200 MILLION, I WANT THE ##%&@! DARK KNIGHT ON MY FOOTBALL TEAM!

Mrs. Landingham: (sigh) I'll do what I can, sir.

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Posted by Kevin Van Valkenburg at 9:55 AM in Imaginary Conversations | Permalink | Comments (4)
        

In a warehouse corner office, overlooking Camden Yards... 

Peter Angelos: MacPhailure! In my office! Now!

Andy MacPhail: Mr. Angelos, you know I don't appreciate it when you call me that.

Angelos: There is no time for backtalk, MacPhailure. Time is of the essence! Some gentlemen that I regularly lunch with have informed me that spring training is fast approaching, and as I look over my personal planner under Offseason Goals, I have two things underlined: 1. Crush Nestor Aparicio 2. Sign Mark Teixeira ... How are we doing on the latter, MacPhailure? I want to make certain I'm out of town when we hold the press conference to announce his arrival!

MacPhail: Um, sir, I'm not sure how to break this to you, but ... we were unable to sign Mark. We put together a competitive offer within our budget. And as you requested, we made certain to point out that we were the only club offering Berger cookies, aquarium tickets and a slightly used complete set of Homicide: Life on the Street DVDs in our package. But in the end, he decided to go in a different direction.  

Angelos: He decided to play in Japan, eh? Damn the declining American dollar! (Slams fist on desk.) I can't believe anyone would want to play there after seeing Lost in Translation. Do you think Teixeira has seen it? We should have sent him a copy. Nothing happens the entire film, MacPhailsalot! It's just a bunch of talking and bad karaoke! Total foolishness. The groundskeeper from Caddyshack doesn't even get laid! If I didn't have better things to do, I'd throw together a class action lawsuit and put Focus Features out of business. 

MacPhail: Um ... sir, Mark didn't go to Japan. He signed a multi-year deal with the Yankees.

Angelos: He what? That is unacceptable! Get him on the phone, this instant!

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Posted by Kevin Van Valkenburg at 8:45 AM in Imaginary Conversations, Orioles | Permalink | Comments (13)