What if we viewed every franchise the way Julian Tavarez does?
Statistically, Julian Tavarez hasn't had the greatest career. But last week when he reluctantly agreed to sign with the Washington Nationals (the only MLB team to make him a real offer this spring), he uttered what will probably go down as one of the greatest sports quotes of all time.
"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavarez told a group of reporters. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals [are] Jennifer Lopez to me."
You have to love that kind of brutal honesty. But it got us thinking: What if we viewed every franchise the way Tavarez does: As the equivalent of a bar-time hook-up?
What would the Red Sox look like? Or the Washington Redskins? Or even the Baltimore Orioles?
The possibilities are as magical as they are skanky.
Franchise: The Dallas Cowboys
At the bar, they are: The silicone-injected (not-so) young lady trying to seem more "Texas" by sipping Bud Light out of a bottle while all of her friends are downing pink drinks. Desperate for your attention, but doesn't want to show it, mostly because she won a few beauty pageants back in the '90s, but can't seem to realize that was almost 10 years ago. She might still be kind of cute if you could ever shake the mental image of her together with some of the morons who used to hang around her. Thinks of herself as America's sweetheart, but hang around her long enough and you're probably going to end up either in jail, or in a doctor's office.
Think: Pamela Anderson
Franchise: Cleveland Browns
At the bar, they are: The All-American cougar who would be totally fun to hang out with if she weren't still obsessed with the way her fairy tale marriage deteriorated. Even though she's reinvented herself like five times since the split and he moved to another city, she can't help but make snide comments about him and how she's sooooo over it, and totally doesn't care if he's happier now. Everyone in the bar is rooting for her to find true love, because she's been hanging around forever. But deep down, people are starting to suspect that it's her own fault she's not happy. Wholesome on the surface, but totally neurotic in private.
Think: Jennifer Aniston
Franchise: Washington Redskins
At the bar, they are: The dumb blonde whose answer to everything is to either throw a fit, or throw money at the problem. No one seems to know why she has enough money to do whatever she wants, just that it doesn't seem to be working in terms of personal fulfillment. Has a fairly high opinion of herself, for reasons unclear to everyone around her. Sometimes accused of racial insensitivity. The media seems to be in love with her, even though her resume of actual accomplishments is extremely thin. Would probably be fun to hang out with for a few days, but the kind of girl who would totally cut you loose to chase the latest fad, even though by the time she gets there, the fad is already on its way out of style.
Think: Paris Hilton
Franchise: Detroit Lions
At the bar, they are: The girl passed out in the booth in back who has clearly seen better days. Looks like she's been smoking cigarettes two at a time and guzzling whiskey with no chaser for the past 10 years, which is a fairly accurate breakdown of how she got to where she is now. Currently a whirlpool of despair that is difficult to escape from, but even in her better days, she managed to help ruin the career of talented people around her. Would be funnier if she wasn't so tragic.
Think: Courtney Love
Franchise: Boston Red Sox
At the bar, they are: The wicked smart girl in glasses who is doing shots, dancing on tables and acting way too loud. Rumor is she was all emo in high school and college, moping about how she'd be a bridesmaid for the rest of her life, but now she's totally blossomed and pretty hot. She has some scars from her past, but it's all good. They've pretty much faded. Truth be told, it was hilarious the first time she got a little wasted and belted out "Sweet Caroline" but now ... not so much. Also, does she have to remind us all the time how smart she is?
Think: Tina Fey (post 2004)
Franchise: New York Yankees
At the bar, they are: Admittedly pretty and elegant woman who is sipping wine and looking around the bar wondering if there isn't someone more important she should be talking to. Arrogant enough that she doesn't quite realize she was at her peak six years ago. Doesn't have to tell you she's better than you because she assumes you already know. Would love it if you didn't bring up all the jokers she used to date before she decided she was classy. Probably wears a gold thong when no one is looking.
Think: Gwyneth Paltrow
Franchise: Baltimore Orioles
At the bar, they are: The husky blonde in a $5,000 dress who is slamming Natty Bohs and making it hard for even her closest friends to defend the way she's let herself go. Sure, she was a babe once, and we'll never forget the good times, but mercy, that was a long time ago. Maybe you can squint and pretend that's Reese Witherspoon, assuming you're drinking doubles, but it sure would be nicer to have hooked up with her about 10 years ago.
Think: Jennifer Coolidge
Franchise: Pittsburgh Steelers
At the bar, they are: The brunette who looks skinny tonight, but the more you think about it, wasn't she just in here last month wolfing down a Primanti Bros. sandwich with a large order of fries stuffed in between the bread? Yikes. Is the kind of gal who would probably go on television and brag about how good she looks now, and then pound a case of Rolling Rock and a bucket of chicken wings when no one was looking.
Think: Kirstie Alley
Franchise: Baltimore Ravens
At the bar, they are: The girl on the dance floor who is waving her arms and shaking her caboose. True, she's probably doing it because she loves the attention, but you have to admit, she's also pretty talented. Has worked hard to make people forget her Southern roots. Hated on by a lot of people when she was at her hottest in 2000, but either way, people were forced to pay attention. Hit a real rough patch for a few years when she struggled to get out of a bad relationship, but now isn't looking half bad again, something that almost no one expected. Probably lucky she didn't end up in prison at some point, but that's all in the past, right?
Think: Britney Spears
Comments
Your analogies are spot-on!
Posted by: PCB Rob | March 25, 2009 10:52 AM
Would the Chicago Cubs be Susan Lucci? Oh, wait she eventally won.
Posted by: Dave | March 25, 2009 12:04 PM
The O's are Stifler's mom! That's great!
Except, I don't think Jennifer Coolidge was ever that good looking. The best analogies are the Browns/Jenifer Aniston and the Skins/Paris Hilton.
Posted by: UT Cal | March 25, 2009 12:35 PM
Standing applause! Great piece!
Posted by: Kevin on Shore | March 25, 2009 1:38 PM
Another 5 minutes wasted out of my life. No wait make that six.
Posted by: kirk | March 25, 2009 1:48 PM
KVV, I'm glad they are letting you blog again. You're a funny guy when you want to be funny and your serious posts are thought-provoking. This one cracked me up.
I had no idea Britney Spears was approaching respectability again. You learn something new every day.
Posted by: Mark Brown | March 25, 2009 2:54 PM
"...even though her resume of actual accomplishments is extremely thin."
The last time I checked, the Redskins have won more NFL Championships and Super Bowls than the Ratbirds and Baltimore Colts combined.
Your analogy would have made more sense if you were comparing the Redskins under the Dan Snyder era vs. Paris Hilton.
Posted by: MCG | March 25, 2009 2:58 PM
Wow. That was a great piece. I agree with every one of them. Love the Redskins/Paris Hilton analogy. You guys have a great thing brewing in the Toy Department. Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Mr. Deez | March 25, 2009 3:01 PM
To MCG...
The Colts were NFL Champions in '58,'59, and '68... Super Bowl Champs in '70...
Ravens Super Bowl Champs in 2000...
Redskins... 2 time NFL Champ, 3 time Super Bowl Champ...
That equals 5 titles for each city.
Posted by: Chris | March 25, 2009 4:35 PM
Haha, I read The Sun and get on the page almost everyday of the week. Can I say, this really brought a laugh out of me. What a great article. Now I'm running other teams through my head and who they would be. What do you think?
AL EAST
Sox = Tina Fey
Yanks = Gwenyth Paltrow
Orioles = Stiflers MILF, I mean Mom
Jays = Jennifer Tilly, The Canadian girl who has always wanted the stardum of being IT, but, just fell short. Puts money into places that are unnecessary, and just can't reach the top. Really hasn't had a major role since the early 90s, and just got back on the scene by playing poker.
Rays = Jessica Biel, the young, sexy pick for everyone.
I would go on, but that took me a second to think of, LOL
Posted by: RJ Hurley | March 25, 2009 5:07 PM
Hmm...the Redskins have had 5 championships, but only 3 of them happened after the Colts arrived in Baltimore. Add the fact that Baltimore didn't even have a team for over a decade and it still looks like Baltimore has had more success in the past 50 years.
Posted by: Jamie | March 25, 2009 11:47 PM
Chris,
1968 doesn't count... the Colts lost to the Jets in the Super Bowl. If you're going to count 1968, then I get to count the Redskins' 1972 and 1983 NFC Championships.
Sorry, you lose 5-4.
Posted by: MCG | March 26, 2009 10:13 AM
Wow, someone from Baltimore making a snide and inaccurate comment about someone/something from the district. The Skins do have more championships compared to the Ravens. Period. Not even close. The Colts aren't in Baltimore anymore people; get over it.
Posted by: Jason | March 26, 2009 10:40 AM
Jason:
and the skins just paid $100million for fat albert, a DT with a history of injuries and questionable work ethic/dedication...enjoy golfing during the playoffs again dc dbags
Posted by: patrick | March 26, 2009 11:26 AM
I think the Twins are Jessica Alba.
Always young, always hot, but never actually accomplished as much as she should have. Happy to be in starring roles, but never confused w/ an Oscar contender, or taken all that serious. Nice to everyone, but that's part of her problem, cuz she's never considered for a serious role where she needs a killer instinct. Even Dark Angel wasn't a killer, though she totally could have been.
Posted by: Jonny | March 26, 2009 12:12 PM
The Steelers have won 2 Super Bowls in the past 4 seasons. They are whoever the current "it" girl is. Everyone, even when sober, wants to be with them.
You weren't even close.
Posted by: Josephine Flacco | March 26, 2009 12:17 PM
when art modell dies i'm throwing a party.
Posted by: Tim | March 26, 2009 12:22 PM
Keep going. Do the same for more teams. Unbelievably funny .
Posted by: Joe | March 26, 2009 12:23 PM
Very entertaining. One question though, can you explain the Pittsburgh Steelers as Kirstie Alley? I know this is a Baltimore site, but what about the Steelers equates to a really overweight, crazy actress? Aside from your not liking them because they beat the Ravens three times last season?
Posted by: george | March 26, 2009 12:30 PM
You seem a little pissed that the Steelers beat the Ravens 3 times last year and won the Super Bowl.
Posted by: Timmy | March 26, 2009 12:35 PM
Cincinnati Bengals- Lindsay Lohan The young sexy pick who had 1 good year but has since spent more time on repair work due to mass PR hits than doing anything productive
Posted by: Jeff | March 26, 2009 1:05 PM
Definitely a biased comment from the Baltimore Sun about the Steelers. Not that I think your portrayal of the Browns is correct (seriously, Jennifer Anniston... the Browns are not that attractive their team is barely holding it together and they sucked last year), but you are way off on the Steelers.
They just won the Super Bowl, I think that is a pretty big deal. They would probably be Angelina Jolie if you wanted choose someone. If you played in the NFL the Steelers would be a great fit for any position.
The Browns(!) as the woman who was just named sexiest woman alive in Details magazine and the Steelers as fat ass Kirstie Alley? No wonder newspapers are going under.
Posted by: Jordan | March 26, 2009 1:07 PM
HAHA when was the last time the Yankees were classy? When they had the drunk, cheating Babe Ruth? Or drunk womenizing Micky Mantle? Ohh must be the alcoholic manager Billy Martin, or steroid using Giambi, Clemens, or pettite. Or is it the cheating, steroid using, hooking banging Arod that is the face of this old, washed up franchise that cannot win despite spending more than 8 teams combined. DUMB...
Posted by: Dan M | March 26, 2009 1:53 PM
Geez people, why are you guys getting so bent out of shape about what chick got associated with what team and who won the most championships...the article is supposed to be funny....AND IT WAS
Posted by: Jay | March 26, 2009 2:16 PM
aniston is perfect for the cleveland steamers
Posted by: jw gacey | March 26, 2009 2:50 PM
Vikes = Gina Lee Nolin
Great run in the late 90's but screwed themselves lately by letting some no-name hacks (coach Chilly) run their lives and ended up on all fours getting rear-ended becuase of bad career decisions (T-Jack, D-Cup).
Posted by: Big Daddy | March 26, 2009 3:21 PM
Ok, I’ll take a crack at it.
Franchise: New England Patriots
At the Bar, they are: the older chick that used to be classy and hot but now is just ugly and slutty. She is still extremely smart but has now resorted to doing anything necessary to get ahead, both in the bedroom and the workplace. She’s been beaten down over the years and accused of cheating all different kind of ways. She still has that proud look on her face though like she has done no wrong. She still has her eye on the top level of her profession despite all the naysayers that tell her to give it up. She has a nice looking body of work (although was better a few years ago) but the face is undeniably abhorred by every man in the bar.
Think: Hillary Clinton
Posted by: Chad Meredith | March 26, 2009 3:48 PM
In defense of the Alley/Steelers pick, when I was growing up, Kirstie Alley was HOT. There is a reason Sam Malone spent the better part of seven seasons chasing after her on Cheers. And, when I was growing up, the Steelers were a dynasty. But both entered into a boom/bust swing after their pinacle. I mean, who goes 8-8 after winning a Super Bowl in 2005? And the yo-yo that was the Tomczak, Stewart, Maddox years? Alley was hot, then ballooned, then got skinny again, then got chubby, then got skinny, etc. While Angelina Jolie's ability to skank it up with Billy Bob and then look classy with Mr. Pitt might be a more flattering comparison for Steelers fans, I couldn't quite picture Ms. Jolie wolfing down a Primanti Bros. sandwich and a pitcher of beer. And yes, I also thought it would be fun to tweak Steelers fans. Rebecca Howe in the 80s was as hot as any girl I've seen from P-Burg.
Posted by: Kevin Van Valkenburg | March 26, 2009 3:50 PM
Trying to think of Patriots--like Red Sox but, a bit worse, with definite ethical flaws--Condoleeza?
Posted by: geoff | March 26, 2009 5:11 PM
Very funny. Unfortunately as a Cowboys fan, the analogy fits at present.
Which leads to this question, who is the ultimate bar hook-up? Jessica Alba, Elle McPherson, Heidi Klum....I thnk that's a good start.
Posted by: bryan - dallas TX | March 26, 2009 5:18 PM
Aw, sad, bitter Baltimore again. Wouldnt the Steelers be J-Lo with all those rings?
Posted by: Jim | March 26, 2009 5:21 PM
I know the Steelers comparison is meant to be insulting, but it really doesn't make any sense. I think the Steelers are like Megan Fox....The best looking girl in the bar that people hate because they're jealous they can't have her. The Patriots are like Madonna......cheating skank
Posted by: Billyboy | March 26, 2009 8:08 PM
Can this Baltimore paper be any more bias? You guys pick Kirstie Alley for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Get over the fact that the Steelers beat the Ravens 3 times to go on to win their 6th Super Bowl. Start writing about what players are left on the Ravens after your dreadful offseason.
Posted by: Gine | March 26, 2009 8:09 PM
Sounds like a bit of "red headed step child" syndrom in Baltimore. To be expected really. Have you ever been through there? Overcompensating much?
Posted by: Bryan | March 26, 2009 8:27 PM
To Jordan
A-Roid isn't the face of the yankees btw.
overall very funny.
Posted by: mibss2 | March 27, 2009 12:13 AM
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. The Steelers have been the most unbelievably consistent team in the NFL the last 40 years and they are the chick whose weight is always fluctuating??????
Posted by: Erik | March 27, 2009 12:19 AM
How about the Steelers as the girl dating an arrogant jerk who never washes his towel and keeps waving it around as keeps pointing out his girlfriend and bragging that she's his, just b/c she's the hot girl right now, forgetting the many years not too long ago she wasn't so hot.
I don't know who exactly fits that profile. Maybe somebody like Sarah Chalke (think her years in Roseanne) or Christina Ricci (think Wednesday Addams)? Of course, they were just kids. So I don't know, I'm drawing a blank. Kirstie Alley if she were really back to being hot. Whoever fits that profile, it's the Steelers.
Btw, why don't you Steelers' fans have anything better to do than come on our newspaper's website and wave your smelly towels around? Get a life.
Posted by: Brian | March 27, 2009 12:56 AM
Franchise: Oakland Raiders
Bats--t crazy but undeniably hot and even though she'll dump you fast, everyone wants a short fling with her. She has MAJOR Daddy issues and goes through washed up losers faster than shots of whiskey. If you get her wasted, you definately have a shot with her - for one night only.
Megan Fox
Posted by: KD | March 27, 2009 1:01 AM
Franchise: New York Giants
Classically beautiful but can look surprisingly hot when she gets all dressed up. Completely spoiled though, because she inherited everything from her Grandfather, a shrewed Depression-era bookie, turned NFL icon. She wants you to pay for everything, including her new $1.3 billion house that she will still share with that loser roomate who always wears green.
Kate Mara
Posted by: KD | March 27, 2009 1:09 AM
New York Jets
Believe it or not, she was actually pretty hot back in the 60s, and won major awards for her work in 1969. Since then, however, it has been all downhill. Some people still like her though, but they are mostly homosexuals at this stage. Hasn't done anything significant in your lifetime.
Barbra Streisand
Posted by: KD | March 27, 2009 1:35 AM
Philadelphis Eagles
She's been hot a couple times, but never hot enough to seriously want to date. And you know she'll just fall apart eventually. Never really accomplished anything. Her friends are all drunken Jerks and she even hates Santa Clause. Has been dating the wrong perrson for a while now, but just won't end the disasterous relationship.
Lindsay Lohan
Posted by: Anonymous | March 27, 2009 1:47 AM