To: Kevin, et al.

Subject: 10 things you might not have known about Beijing

1. Michael Phelps is here and at Tuesday's practice session, he was still sporting a really smooth-looking Fu Manchu mustache that he'd been growing since the Olympic Trials. Some might be jealous of Phelps because he glides effortlessly through the water faster than any other human being on the planet. I'm jealous, however, of his ability to grow the smooth Fu Manchu so fully.

Kevin, I'd bet your next paycheck the mustache is gone by Friday, but a small part of me really wishes he'd keep it. Isn't this the way it should be? If he's going to break Mark Spitz's mark of eight gold medals in a single Games, shouldn't it be an even competition? Last I checked, Spitz was rocking a mean 'stache of his own in 1972. If Phelps wants to quiet the doubters -- and have any shot at next year's Beard and Moustache Championships -- he has no choice. The 'stache must stay.

2. Our accommodations aren't too bad. We're staying at mega media village, which will surely be turned into an apartment complex the second we leave town. Seriously, these high-rise apartment buildings are all over Beijing. They might as well come shipped from Ikea, ready to assemble.
 
3. Our place is called the North Star. While part of me thinks it sounds like Darth Vader's rough draft, another part hopes tomorrow's wake-up call comes from three wise men.

4. Driving around town tonight, lost for two hours en route to a dinner we'd never make, I couldn't help but notice all of the Chinese characters adorning various buildings and structures here in Beijing (shocking, right?). Funny, because I thought it was only young American men and women in tattoo parlors who were so cavalier in their use of Chinese characters.
 
Which brought me to a great business idea. I've met many a young athlete who's tattooed the Chinese symbol for "Love" or "Hope" or some other lame cliché somewhere on their body. Perhaps if the newspaper industry doesn't turn the ship around, Kevin, we can come to China and tattoo the fine Chinese people with the English versions of these great words and ideas.

Of course, would they even know the difference? We could tattoo "Sizzler" or "Super Mario Bros." and who's to say that isn't "Faith" or "Strength."

Which reminds me ...

5. I speak more Chinese than the Beijing cab drivers speak English. It's an especially sad realization when you consider the fact that I only speak about four Chinese words. And three of them happen to be the name of various beers.

6. Kevin, it occurs to me that we might not have missed our dinner appointment had you not stopped in the park area surrounding Ho Hai Lake and cheerfully given a television interview to the friendly Chinese reporter. Also, I hope you heard my stomach growl when you stopped to play hackey sack with those kids. Seriously, hackey sack = not an Olympic sport. Especially when I'm hungry.

7. On my flight from Newark, N.J. to Beijing: Dikembe Mutombo.
 
8. Checking into our media village was quite the hassle. Even though there seems to be 20 young Chinese women assigned to every reporter here, it still took a half-hour to find my room key. There were so many bewildered and confused faces staring at the computer screen, I'd swear they were watching "2 Olympians, 1 Cup."

9. How does one pass 13 hours on a plane? Simple -- by rewatching seven hours of Season 3 of "The Wire." The Avon Barksdale-Stringer Bell story line is the most compelling TV I've seen in perhaps my entire life. I'm somewhat worried it will seep into my copy this week. Hopefully, I don't overdramatize Phelps-Lochte or Hoff-Ziegler. Though now that I think of it, Katie Hoff does have a bit of Stringer Bell in her, huh?

10. Last bit before bedtime, Kevin. You may have heard there are restaurants here that serve various dishes featuring various penises of various animals. I'm not making this up. Seals, horses, whatever suits your taste buds.
 
Anyhow, I know a couple of our colleagues are trying to partake in this rare cuisine Wednesday night. I'd love to go, but sadly, I have a prior engagement. I'm encouraging you to follow up, though. In fact, if you pass up on this opportunity to sample China's various penis offerings, you'd leave me with no choice but to question your manhood.

Michael Phelps photo: Getty Images; Mark Spitz: AP