Time for some lax dads to shut up and sit down
Covering a D3 game recently, I was appalled by the behavior of about five or six of the home team players’ fathers toward the officials. It is not the first time this year I have encountered such conduct, and the identity of this particular school is not important. I took particular notice this time because it was so out of place in the otherwise perfect lacrosse environment. Unfortunately, I am constantly editing E-Lacrosse video to eliminate loud and nasty jeering by a parent or group of parents. I can tell it’s getting worse.
Various Googled, bookmarked and never-read studies seem to indicate that fan behavior is getting worse all over. YouTube is populated with various sideline arrests, fights and other parent-related sports incidents. Parental behavior has been a serious problem from youth leagues through high school for years. The issue of unruly parents, while isolated to dads (meaning men and not women, generally), is not isolated to D3 or even men’s lacrosse. I have personally witnessed many dads in DI women’s lacrosse behave atrociously.
While the abuse that I witnessed wasn’t the worst I’ve seen, it was perhaps the most illustrative. Each of these dads had their own theme or personal approach in the harassment of the officials. With every hit, out of bounds ball or close play, a cacophony of signature jeers would begin, interrupting the constant loud muttering which still lingered from the last. There was the astonished dad. His shouts always indicate surprise, like:
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT ONE! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!”
He stood next to the aggrieved dad, who would yell things like:
“YOU ARE KILLING ME! JUST GIVE THEM THE GAME ON A FREAKING PLATTER, WHY DON'T YA?”
Nearby was the harbinger of doom dad, offering up his loudest advice:
“I”LL JUST CALL THE AMBULANCE NOW!”
The sarcastic dad threw me. For a moment, I thought he was supporting the refs against all the other dads. He shouted something like:
“THAT’S A GOOD ONE!”
A bit later, during a flurry of haranguing, he yelled again:
“THAT’S A GOOD NO-CALL! THAT’S A GOOD NO-CALL!” but followed it up with “OH YEAH, GREAT NO-CALL! JUST GREAT!” and I was deflated. He was one of them.
The naive dad kept yelling “WARD! WARD!” over and over every time the other team had the ball. There were times when it was obvious he had no idea what a ward -- interfering with a defender’s stick with your off-hand -- was.
The accusatory dad piped in with “HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU?” just as the humorist hit the official with some cataract surgery reference or maybe “YOU’RE MISSING A REALLY GOOD GAME!”
Grand conspiracy theorist dad belts out “WHAT? DID YOU COME ON THE BUS WITH THEM?”
One guy would follow the action, literally moving with the game along the sideline just deriding the official closest to him. Another kept bringing God into it, yelling “OH MY GOD” and “HOLY JESUS!”
The abuse started early too. After the second play of the game, an eruption of critical shouts were highlighted by the singular bellowed follow-up of “OH, ITS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE?” which not only forewarned those in attendance of the behavior to come, but indicated to me that these guys had been here before. This was ongoing behavior. These were serial offenders.
By game’s end, it was obvious that this team’s games had become a participation event for those dads as much as for the kids. At one point, a dad ran the sideline alongside the ref, with his head in his hands in terrible grief, all the while, hurling invectives. His buddies pointed at him and laughed. This group of dads looked like they had a system. They split up, covering both ends of the field with their abuse in two little packs. They stood as close to the sideline as they could.
One of these bullies actually carried a camera around with him so he could stand closest to the field. I never once saw the camera lift to his eye, but his mouth just moved for the entire length of the game. He cursed, insulted the ref some 20 times, commented on EVERY hit of the game and engaged the referees directly.
This man was easily the worst of the bunch because while he had a kid on the field, he had two on the sideline with him, who would look at each other and smile whenever he acted up. They admired it. By game's end, one of the young men harassed a ref himself in one of the ugliest tirades I have ever seen while his dad stood next to him, arms folded in disgust -- AT THE REF!
The opposing team was physical. The game was hard-fought. You could audibly hear most of the checks from both teams. The play was fair for the most part, and fouls were called when it wasn’t. A few calls were missed on both sides like every game I have ever seen. I do not know these refs personally, though I know quite a few all over the world. I have, however, seen them officiate many times without thinking any were less than competent or fair, which is to say they are excellent refs. I film many games and watch every game I film at least three times in the production process, so I do not miss much. I know who the bad refs are, and there are far fewer than many fans think.
Refs are human though, and at the end of this game, I might have seen a call or non-call go the way of the complaining parents, whose team had long been out of contention. Any person who interprets that as a good reason to continue this behavior should stay away from lacrosse fields altogether. This is a gentleman’s game, and spectators should behave accordingly.
Other than offering the appropriate spirited encouragement, fans attempting to influence the game in any way, are cheating. Frankly, at the college level, parents who take their offspring’s sporting events too seriously and cannot control their poor sportsmanship, are pathetic. I played on a team with a really terrible dad once, and the son was so embarrassed and horrified by the parent’s behavior at games that it affected his play and even his life off the field.
At a major college game, there is an announcement before the start that requests the fans not to use foul language, be racist or sexist in any way or show unsportsmanlike behavior. It also forewarns that such behavior will be met with more than just disapproval. The offenders will be removed from the game premises physically. I have not seen too many removals over the years, but I have seen some.
At the smaller college games where less than 100 parents converge with less than 60 girlfriends and frat brothers to watch a game, sometimes at a venue that is not even on campus, there is no security. Why should there be? The kids in the stands are well-behaved, and the rest of the audience pays tuition. Where there are no public announcement systems, there are no public announcements and no sportsmanship warning.
Policing the sportsmanship at these games will become a problem that requires addressing if we can’t just get the few dads to act responsibly. But that’s harder than it seems. In this game, there were more harassers than there were refs, so if the refs had confronted the group, they might have been assaulted. Maybe not. But I would not say anything to them, due to their numbers, and I am not bashful about such things.
So how does a kid stop his father from behaving that way? How do a few of the offended moms or perhaps opposing team's parents approach or confront the ever-growing issue of terrible dads, much less the actual dads themselves? They can’t. If the “dad community” doesn’t get a handle on the issue, behind the scenes, at the tailgates, over a beer at the hotel, it will escalate and hurt the game. That is your challenge, Lax Dads, before it’s too late.
That fan behavior policy which is read at the big games, and the security that would enforce it are really just an extension or embodiment of an NCAA's strategic plan related to sportsmanship, a portion of which includes fan behavior. It is policy. Most schools have a much harder time adhering to the policy when it comes to small sports, off-site games when schools don’t have their own venues and neutral site games, like when teams travel for spring break. In lacrosse, this includes teams in every division. This is NOT just a D3 issue in lacrosse. Right now, schools are getting away with not ensuring that fan behavior is appropriate at all small-sport venues because there is no objection about the fans.
Complaints from fans or refs about the type of behavior I witnessed yesterday, and more often lately, will draw the ire and reaction of the NCAA lawyers who crafted the pre-game statement for a good reason. They mitigate liability for a living. The notes from a 2006 D3 NCAA Management Council Meeting state that there was a sentiment that sportsmanship behavior had slipped since a 2003 Fan Behavior Summit held to address already falling levels of fan behavior. They are on this issue. The squeaky wheels will get the grease.
A mandatory public announcement policy and a fan behavior enforcement requirement would increase the cost of hosting a lacrosse team at some schools beyond their abilities. Many colleges would just stop playing a sport that draws only 100 people a game when the fans are so obnoxious that they have to secure the place like a 10,000-seat arena. Think about it.
You know that “one bad apple” adage our parents used to use? Well, it applies now to the parents on lacrosse fields. A few of our bad apple dads are ruining the college lacrosse experience for some others and might hurt the game just as badly if they continue. So for the rest of us, for the real fans, and for the game, I say this to only the dads who need to hear it: Dad, shut up and sit down.
Comments
Don't think this type behavior is limited to college or boy's games. At a Friend's girl's lacrosse game last week, I heard the loudest, most arrogant parents of all the games I have attended. To their credit, the players seemed to be competetive, but good sports. It's a shame that the refs have to endure the type of criticisms that I was hearing.
Posted by: Dan Schuman | April 6, 2008 8:00 PM
Other sports need to adopt the rules of high school wrestling - one warning for a coach for questioning an official's judgment (and a team point taken away), and an ejection on the second. And if the first one involves vulgar language, that's an ejection. If a player says anything to a ref that questions his judgment, it can be an ejection. And I've seen refs toss parents at tournaments who were getting out of hand. They just point them out and have the deputy escort them out.
You'll hear parents yelling "That was a takedown!" but not very many questioning the official's parentage, if you get my drift. Everyone know the refs can bounce anyone at anytime, and most act accordingly.
I can't get over how much abuse officials allow themselves to take in basketball, football, lacrosse and soccer games from kids and coaches, let alone fans. Start throwing the culprits out of games whether it's a fan or a coach, and you'll get their attention.
Posted by: Bil on da Shore | April 6, 2008 8:43 PM
Great article, a huge problem in our sport today. In the high schools all student/athletes AND parents must sign a code of conduct at the beginning of the season. I have seen personally that this needs to be enforced at non stadium events.
It always seems that it is the non athletic parent or the bully in business is the bully from the sidelines. I know a alot of refs and they all know the deal. A couple of jerks will not interfere with competition of the game. More times then not the kids are tuned out to the ridiculous behavior and some athletes are even apologetic to the officials for it. Keep up the good work.
Posted by: Keith Askenas | April 7, 2008 9:04 AM
Substitute the word fan for coach and you've got your next article. Most of these guys are an embarrassment to their respective schools.
With more and more games being televised, these coaches are on display before a national audience on a semi-regular basis. Pietramala, Tierney, and Cottle are among the worst. When it come to challenging calls and yelling at officials, these guys are worse than Gary Williams.
How can fans and players be expected to behave any better than the men leading these programs. Their actions are likely a reflection of the coaches. I'm sure that parents see it as a "green light" to jump on officials when the coaches get away with it.
Officiating is like any other job. You're not going to get the best officials for a high school or small DIII game. They are going to make mistakes just like the players and coaches. Stop the coaches boarish behavior and we'll probably see a more civilized fan experience. No one want to go to game and listen to some blowhard yelling all game, whether that person is in the stands or on the sidelines.
Posted by: Tom | April 7, 2008 9:20 AM
The referees could use bench warnings early in any particular contest. A one to three minute unsportsmanlike conduct that is unreleasable after the warning would get the coaches attention and put pressure on the miscreants.
Shouldn't be that difficult. Years ago, when I was at Hopkins, as a stupid student (redundant?), I foolishly opened my mouth too loudly at Homewood and Coach Bob Scott turned around, faced me in the stands and fixed me in his fiery gaze and suggested how I might better support the team.
As a lax coach of a high school team, I now have the benefit of having my sins revisit me. It is justice most fitting.
Another solution would be to invite a dad or two to referee a scrimmage of the team. That would help them get a little perspective.
Thanks for your concern.
James D. Johnson
Reno, Nevada
Posted by: James D. Johnson | April 7, 2008 10:17 AM
Let the daddies cry and whine. Nobody is at D3 games to hear them. I never hear a word at D1 games.
Posted by: Jon Coquetostel | April 7, 2008 10:31 AM
Not a word?
I have heard plenty, especially if the crowd is small. Its just easier to drown out with a larger crowd. The offense is less serious, just through circumstance, if the referee is not personally engaged by the comments due to the size of the gathering.
Plenty of folks at a big game in D1 yell plenty of really nasty things at the refs, even Women's games. I edit them out all the time when they are near me. It's just that it doesn't dominate the experience for everyone else.
And high school sports is where we really have issues. I was hoping by college we could have educated the dads on showing some class.
And Tom is correct. I have been embarrassed a few times by coaches’ rants on TV and in person this year and most years. The berating of Officials is unsportsmanlike, period. Some heralded college coaches in this country are some of the worst sports in the game. I have video of things that would get any Basketball or Football coach canned in a day. It is somehow accepted, even in the national tournament in lacrosse. The foul language is such that you should not allow kids to sit close to the benches. Great call Tom!
This just speaks to the lack of leadership we have in our game. It has never been there. You can get away with any marketing, any behavior, any rules changes that hurt the game. The game is controlled by a few with just self interest in mind. Just look at the NCAA in bed with ESPN and IL and then look to ESPN or IL for any compelling discussion of these types of issues and, well you can determine for yourself. Real journalism is non-existent in lax too. I will go off on that topic soon, believe me!
Posted by: John Weaver | April 7, 2008 10:57 AM
I was at a major D1 game on Friday evening where the students were continually yelling profanities directed at the other team, the referees, and anything else that came to their drunken minds. It was not only embarrassing that they represented this particular school, but many of us had our youth in attendance (since it was a Friday evening and didn't conflict with regular weekend games) and our kids witnessed the most extreme case of poor sportsmanship on display. We want our kids to see good lacrosse being played in person, but at the same time we don't want them hearing such terrible language being hurled randomly at the other team for no other reason than they are the opponnent for the night. By the way, this same D1 school has a history of student profanities at their basketball games too - maybe it's a pattern...
Posted by: Steve | April 7, 2008 11:12 AM
I often imagine to parents / players that the term REF refers to someone who will call fouls in your teams favour. My take on on " ref " is the guy that keeps fights from breaking out between the players
nothing to do with the parents.
The same phenomena applies to hockey up here in Canada.
The " ref " is supposedly neutral. Really that is all you can ask of the REF. Neutral doesn't mean good / bad for your team.
Posted by: freeline | April 7, 2008 3:51 PM
The problem is compounded by the fact that most parents have never played the sport and know little to nothing about it. Its one thing to be loud and abusive, its even worse to be loud and abusive and ignorant.
Posted by: Jim | April 7, 2008 5:03 PM
I'm now on my 3rd (and last) high school athlete, and will not miss it at all. It used to be men's lax was bad but now the women's crowd is just as foul. It has gotten to the point where I won't sit any where near my teams fans (I guess I'm looked at poorly by other team parents). They usually start right after the opening face off. That's a draw in the the women's game and there is a difference!
The thing I've noticed is, with the women's game in particular, the people with the loudest mouths know the least about the game!(if they ever played at all) They scream and holler about rules applying to Rec. teams at high school and even college level games. LEARN THE GAME and you will enjoy it so much more.
Posted by: bwe2854 | April 8, 2008 11:17 AM
As a ref I can tell you that there is direct correleation between the borish behavior of parents and the unsporstmanlike behavior of players. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I can't tell you how many times people have gone apoplectic about a call when they absolutely have no idea what the rule is. If I had a dollar for every time some idiot yelled "warding" when a defenseman lifts an attackers glove I'd be typing this from my private island in the South Pacific.
Here's a clue for all of you. We don't have a dog in the fight. We don't care who wins. All we want to do is get some exercise and give a little back to the game we love so much.
By the way, contrary to one of the comments above, lacrosse is the only sport I know where the guy reffing your kid's youth game might just be a Division I official.
Sorry for the rant.
Posted by: Ref | April 8, 2008 1:53 PM
If parents really cared about their kids, they'd behave themselves for fear of embarrassing or humiliating them with their rude and abominable behavior. They'd leave them and their coaches to fight the battles on the field. The fact is these parents are both thoughtless & selfish, thinking more about themselves than the overall well-being of their team and its players, and setting a bad example in the process. I was proud of my father and looked up to him. More importantly, I respected him for the way he lived, behaved and treated me with respect. If my father had behaved like I see parents today, I would have been both ashamed and humiliated. Maybe it's time the kid's let their dad's know it time to grow up and make them proud, and to start acting as role models for their kids instead of loud-mouthed arrogant sideline bullies.
Posted by: Steve Boland | April 8, 2008 4:47 PM
Referees are the most maligned group of folks out there. An average day on the job just isn't acceptable to the players/coaches/crowd. It's why there are more than 2 refs on college games and big HS games. It is also why so many good refs leave the game. The game is faster than ever. The players get an edge every chance they get and push the envelope and not every call will get made because they DO push the envelope.Add to this the fact that the number of superior athletes as a percentage of overall athletes in schools that are playing lacrosse is increasing and you get skill sets and abilities that seem to be above the age of the players. That being said, the challenge for the referee is to carry themselves well and fairly officiate the game and be in the right place when the ball crosses the line. On every call, you are right to the folks looking on 50% of the time. Many who question the ref have never played and having been a player, coach, dad and ref, in my house, the official was the first one to read the book cover to cover.
Posted by: Skip Murray | April 8, 2008 5:12 PM
Anyone watch Princeton v. Penn last night ? Coach Tierney is up by 6 goals and is still screaming at the officials, and accumulates 2 Unsporstmanlike penalties doing so. Sometime the fans will emulate the example on the field. As a side note, Coach T. is on the rules committee and you would think he would be a role model for this.
Posted by: Ref | April 9, 2008 12:23 PM
As the game grows, so does the uneducated fan base. and money (TV) coming into the picture only worsens the situation. The NLL with its hockey-like violence is not helping keep the game sportsmanlike, especially seeing dads (and moms) misbehaving at youth games.
Posted by: Bruce Warren | April 11, 2008 9:57 AM
I say put all the parents in glass enclosed enclosure and let the kids play and have fun. As a coach some the parents are nuts and know nothing of the game, I tell them take it to baseball if you want to act like that because if you played like you act on the side line you be out of the game.
The best yet I hear a youth coach stopped at a home Depot bought 20 trolls of duct tape for his parents. Man give him a gold star.
Posted by: laxxer | April 11, 2008 7:14 PM
Freeline, summed it up perfectly. How can we expect these parents to give back to the game - when they have never experienced the benefits derived from it. I think it is all just rooted in ignorance - not knowing what it's like to be on that field not seeing first hand how fast the action is moving. And most importantly - the laziness involved with not even bothering to learn the game.
Yes, like all of us that love the game - they also want to give back to the game what they got out of it. Nothing.
Posted by: mdl7 | April 12, 2008 7:32 AM
I'm a coach of a new high school program and it drives me insane how little time parents have taken to learn the game. Some of the things that I hear come out of their mouths is so out of left field that it makes me want to schedule away games and only give directions to the bus driver. To me this is completly unacceptable especially in this day and age where they are less than 2 minutes away from doing a wikipedia search and geting a basic understanding.
Posted by: Coachmatt | April 25, 2008 11:40 PM
Great Post Mr. Weaver - nicely said
Posted by: Lou Corsetti | April 29, 2008 2:12 PM