Speak English, or else
The city of Taneytown, Md., a municipality of something more than 5,000 people located 35 miles from Baltimore, is considering making English its official language.
If the council proceeds to enact this measure, then I say it is time to stop trifling with half-measures. I am prepared to move to Taneytown to serve as municipal English magistrate, and I am drafting provisions to put teeth into the ordinance.
Using it’s for its.
First offense: a godly admonition.
Second offense: a stern warning.
Third offense: a tattoo of the letter I on the forehead, for Illiterate.
Sounding the t in often.
Fine of $5.00 per occurrence.
Pronouncing nuclear as nucular.
Fine of $10 per occurrence.
Pronouncing mischievous as mischeevious.
Shunning.
Failure to make a subject and verb agree, as in the sentence on Taneytown’s Web site saying that “the City and surrounding area is rich in historic landmarks.”
One hour at noon in the stocks in front of the town hall.
Allowing annoying typos into print, as in the mayor’s State of the City report on the Web site: “He has come to use with some new ideas and some of those have already been put into action” (emphasis added).
This is a serious offense because of the presumption that no copy editor has been employed to vet the text.
Dismissal of appointed officials, impeachment of elected officials.
Saying between you and I.
Forfeiture of driver’s license for 30 days.
Using whom when the pronoun is the subject of a subordinate clause.
Spend the night in the box.
Saying or writing the obnoxious pleonasm safe haven.
One week at a re-education camp shoveling pig manure.
As H.L. Mencken wrote, “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.” So let the people speak. Provided their English is acceptable.
Comments
Only individuals who have no idea of the intent of this Resolution, spew such ludicrist comments. Please feel free to email me personnally so I can enlighten you on why an Elected Official would actually be pushing forward what his Constituents are asking for and what the actual intent is for such as measure. By the way did you see the results for Arizona? 79% of White Americans / 80% of African Americans / 48% of Latino Americans & 51% of Others actually Voted for English as the Official Language for their State. Notice it is not ENGLISH ONLY!
Posted by: Paul Chamberlain | November 9, 2006 8:59 PM
I'm from Ohio. I read this entry yesterday with a morning cup of coffee, and I enjoyed it immensely. I don't think you were "spewing," and I certainly don't think the points you made were ludicrous. Thank you ever so much for hosting this blog; it's a joy to see each new entry.
I do want to say, however, that I thought the third penalty for "it's for its" offense wasn't quite in keeping with the tone of the rest of your entry. Rather than a tatoo on the forehead, how about a scarlet letter "I" sewn on the person's chest? I don't think Nathaniel Hawthorne would mind.
Posted by: Scott Meyer | November 10, 2006 8:55 AM
>
Ummm, so, Mr. Magistrate is not going to go so far as to employ the Anglo-Saxon himself?
Posted by: c o'donnell | November 10, 2006 9:54 AM
"Saying or writing the obnoxious pleonasm safe haven.
One week at a re-education camp shoveling pig manure."
Dear Mr. Magistrate: the comment box ate part of my note. Really.
I meant to quote you, but obviously guillemets don't work.
See: French Style Guide (Nova Scotia Department of Education)
Voici un exemple. Dans son ouvrage sur le style, Guillaumet déclare:
Il faut absolument tenir compte de la ponctuation à l’intérieur des guillemets lorsqu’on veut présenter un texte de façon lisible et agréable à l’œil. Il arrive souvent, en effet, que la ponctuation à l’intérieur des guillemets et la ponctuation à l’extérieur des guillemets soient redondantes. Dans ce cas, c’est la ponctuation intérieure qui
l’emporte. (Manuel de stylistique, p.45)
An aside .... I'm very confused by "Guillaumet" expostulating upon "guillemets."
Oops. That op.cit. isn't English!
Posted by: c o'donnell | November 10, 2006 10:01 AM
Paul Chamberlain: Please note that in English we do not capitalize random words in the middle of a sentence.
Posted by: T Berger | November 10, 2006 11:50 AM
If I can thank you for nothing else, John McIntyre, at least I'll now always have pleonasm at the vocabulary ready.
Posted by: Tim Windsor | November 14, 2006 8:50 AM
Please note, Mr. Chamberlain: YOU are the only one who asked for this resolution. Not one person addressed Council requesting this. You simply claimed that you talked to 500 of your neighbors. Where are these alleged 500 supporters?!?
Taneytown is in Maryland not Arizona. Not one time in 20 years in Taneytown has someone come to town to do business or speak to Council that could not do so in English. Unlike Arizona, Taneytown has less than 2% immigrant population and only 37 people who do not speak English "very well."
AND, to become a citizen (if not by birth), one of the requirements is "an ability to read, write and speak English."
During the time you wasted, you, Mr. Chamberlain, ignored other issues that residents did propose to Council, but those issues wouldn't get you as much attention, which you needed for your political run for state senator, as this has garnered. Accept the fact that everyone sees this resolution for what it is: an election-year ploy. You lost in this year's primary and I'm looking forward to whoever may be your successor after the next election.
Posted by: KND | November 14, 2006 4:31 PM
This was wonderful, and I never knew sounding the 't' in often wasn't correct.
Posted by: C. Hernandez | November 25, 2006 4:24 PM