If Miss Slade-Lee's experiences at IEP meetings are at all like mine, then she has been through hell. And her victory is indeed bittersweet.

When you have a child with a disability, everything about you and your child is scrutinized by the schools.My son had a pre-school teacher who made it very clear that the biggest thing wrong with my child was me. One of her screening questions was if my then 3 1/2 year old served himself at the table. He didn't but only because our custom was to serve from the stove, rather than the table. The silence that met this reply was deafening. Arguing that this was a cultural norm and not a developmental milestone was to no avail.

Mind games are par for the course, too. No IEP meetings have ever started on time. We have always had to cool our heels in the lobby while the school staff has a chance to situate themselves in the conference room. We get the seats that are left.

I've been to an IEP where I sat on a preschooler chair surrounded by at least 10 school staff members, including a Central Office administrator who got the big teacher's chair.

In my naivete, I started out going to the meetings by myself. When I complained to my husband that the school officials talked down to me, he went to the next IEP. Guess what? They fawned all over my husband and went to great pains to explain everything in great detail to him.

We have had a principal at our neighborhood school lie to us and say they couldn't accommodate our son at her school. Even though, as we found out later, under federal law he is entitled to go to his neighborhood school and have all the supports and services brought to him. We asked in that same meeting about a one on one adult aid to be with him in the classroom. Every staffer said this was a very bad idea and not recommended. Imagine our ire when we found out another child with a disability got 2 paid adult aids that very same year that they couldn't accommodate my son. Why? Because her parents knew enough to get a lawyer.

We have had a superintendent of special education instruct our son's principal and teacher to lie to the parents of all the students who got Extended School Year and tell us there was no bus transportation to school. We had to call Maryland Disability Law Center for help. The lawyer from MDLC had to tell the superintendent that if the children received special transportation during the regular school year that they must also receive it during the Extended School Year(summer school).

For the school, the whole IEP process is about containing costs which means trying to keep you from getting all the services your child needs. You, on the other hand, have to go to the wall over and over and over again, fighting for your child. Imagine how it feels to have people look you in the eye and say "Your child will receiver 1/2 hour of direct speech therapy services per week", and your child can't even make himself understood.

Oh, and you have to know all the jargon, too. Direct speech therapy means therapy by a therapist to a group of students. If one on one is not specified, then it's always a group setting. So, actual therapy then whittles down to about 10 or fewer minutes per week!

I've had a parent tell me that her child's teacher was leaving at the end of school year and so she was candid with the mother that the school was not giving her child all the services she/he was entitled to and told her to seek legal help on behalf of the child!

I hear from parents from different school systems how their children are denied services - amazingly, it's always the same way: your child doesn't need XYZ service. I suggested to a school administrator that a good lawyer could probably make a case for racketeering or collusion against every public school systen in America for denial of services. I mean, what do they do: have seminars at the education conventions -"How to contain costs by denying special education services 101"?

You have to steel yourself for every IEP meeting. You have to read all the progress reports and drafts of the IEP. You have to see through the cheery little bones they throw you on progress and cut to the actual data. You discover that your child is cute and accommodating but still can't function at the level of a kindergartner even though he's just finished first grade. You have to go a meeting where the teacher, each therapist, the principal, the assistant principal, and several administrators from the Central Office are arrayed like prosecution lawyers to dissuade you from your mission of procuring appropriate services for your child. And then you have to go in there and basically beg them to do the right thing -give your child the appropriate education he needs.

Why won't they just do the right thing? Because of the budget. So the school system has to act like a health insurance company that doesn't want to pay its claims.

If you bring a lawyer, you must notify them ahead of time, so the school system can send their lawyer. Her job seems to be to make you regret hiring a lawyer. By keeping the meeting going on for hours with endless nitpicking, the school system lawyer can cause you to pay a small fortune to your lawyer who is likely to bill by the hour.

I know exactly how Ms. Slade-Lee feels. I too had to fight for my seven year old down syndrome son and he was granted a non-public private placement ...finally! Last year in the public school system, he did not receive the services he needed to progress. He only received group speech and no OT. They couldn't understand why he continued to have discipline issues. It was found he also had sensory issues and needed a sensory diet along with motor breaks. What seemed like discipline issues were in fact my son asking for help in a non verbal way. Because he was not receiving the servcies necessary for him to move forward in the class room, he was falling behind his classmates, and therefore causing him greater distress. He is now in a private setting just approved this week. Unforunately, this is his first official day of school this school year. He has been at home since school started as they didn't offer me another option except to homeschool him or place him back in the school that did not meet his needs. Last year's school experience for him was one of unhappiness and stress...so therefore he received no academic progression, therefore it is like it did not ever take place. We had IEP's, a FBA and BIP...it was crazy. I did hire an advocate to assist in the matter and thank God for her! I had to fight for the school I wanted my son to go to...the special ed department wanted him to go to a school that was not even geared for down syndrome children...it was for autistic children. I am sure it is a great school for children with that diagnosis, but down syndrome and austistic children have many different needs and respond differently to teaching techniques. I finally got approved for the school that would meet my son's needs, but then got the run around by the transportation department. But the fight was worth it...however...emotionally I am a wreck. I hope that this battle will help the administrators see that they need to view children as individuals and uphold their IEPs. Take the dollar sign off of their foreheads and just meet their needs...isn't that why we pay taxes?