Today's column is about a public affairs guy named Steve Sapp who works for the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency and seems to love his job. He's also a gift to journalists sick of slogging through boring press releases that clog e-mail accounts and usually end up in the electronic version of the circular file.

I mean, what would you rather read? "Just Announced: Collaboration Within Government Training Workshop" or "Dutch Goose laying Heroin Pellets" (picture at left from U.S. Customs and Border Protection).

Here's Sapp's opening paragraph: "BALTIMORE – A Dutch traveler who arrived to Baltimore-Washington International Airport on Friday from Europe wasn’t the golden goose and he wasn’t laying golden eggs, but what he did pass got him into serious trouble – about 1.2 kilograms of heroin worth of trouble."

The customs agency's web site is full of great reads -- most of them not up to Sapp's style -- but good nonetheless. There's "Cheesy Concealment Nets Border Patrol Stash of Heroin" about how somone baked 11.79 pounds of heroin into two blocks of cheese and hid it in a Mazda in California. And there's "Texas CBP Officers Find Female Hidden in Backseat Speaker Box."

That one comes with a picture of, you guessed it, a woman trying to sneak into the country by hiding in a speaker box of a Honda Odyssey in Brownsville. Even when they're not trying to be funny, they are. According to the press release: "CBP officers routinely find narcotics hidden in a vehicle but in this case it was the driver's wife."

For more like these, visit the U.S. Customs and Broder Protection website. Here is the official, unfunny, complaint from U.S. District Court in Baltimore describing the latest heroin bust at BWI Marshall Airport: