Yes, I ingested some of your brother's fluids, but it was completely platonic.
Well what an interesting week with cliffhanger on The Vampire Diaries. So the ritual sacrifice grows nearer, and Klaus is ever the chess master, setting everything in place. Even when our fair Mystic Falls crew thinks they're playing one game, he shows them up for the amateurs that they are. Really well meaning amateurs though.
Poor Damon. He can't help being in love with Elena. Which means he can't help doing rash things like giving Elena his blood so that if she dies, she'll come back as a vampire. He didn't really mean it! It was a spur of the moment decision, and he immediately regretted it -- we think. He should have just trusted in the magical witch potion with no expiration date.
Read on!
Have we ever mentioned how fond we are of Matt? We heart him and his ability to reason for himself. Good for him for noticing that Caroline is just Caroline, and that's she's not a monster. We love that he went looking for her after she didn't show back up. We're also feeling a little charitable towards Sheriff Forbes, who, unlike the last time she found out Caroline was a vampire, is being sentimental about her daughter who has become a vampire. We're keen to find out how that will play out
Back in ritual sacrifice land, our fave peeps aren't used to their adversaries having backup plans. So Klaus grabbed Caroline, Tyler, and had his main witch guarding them...we think that they were really just decoys all along. We think that the real plan was to use the alternates anyway. We felt a little silly for not realizing sooner that the chick witch was Luka's sister...we guess we expected her to be held against her will rather than being a willing player. As for turning Jenna into a vampire so he could kill her as part of the sacrifice...that was a dirty trick, Klaus, and we do not applaud you. Boo, even. And she was being so cool about the whole vamp thing. Seeing Jules captured was no treat, either.
What will be Elena's fate? Will it be revealed in the next ep? How can the Salvatore men keep it from happening? Where's Bonnie, or Elijah, for that matter? We're sure they've got an ace up their sleeves. Um, right?
Lots of bodies were dropping this week on Nikita …all in the name of domestic bliss. Although our girls both have their eye on that prize, they know the time isn’t right. But one former Division guardian, a certain Dana Winters, wasn’t willing to wait any longer. She decided to hang up her gun and head for the white picket fence. To keep Division off her tail, she planted her tracker on some unsuspecting local. Everything was blissful for the past two years…she was living with her sheriff boyfriend and his son in some small town in Pennsylvania but recently, Percy has started getting itchy. With Nikita’s latest takedown of two of the boxes, he decided it was time to make sure that all of his remaining stash was in good hands.
To get the job done, Percy turned to his number one man, Michael. And since Michael is playing for both sides, he shared this news with his newest number one gal, Nikita. He told her to head there first, sniff things out, and then he would come along and act like he was taking care of business. Unfortunately for Winters, Nikita quickly discovered that she had left her post and was living a secret, happy, home life.
Read on for more spy-flavored hijinks!
Hooking a Guardian
In order to protect a former guardian who wants to live a normal life, you first need to get her permission. Nikita, as we know, can be bold, so she decided to make her move head on. She and Michael posed as newlyweds and interrupted Winters’ family dinner (pot roast anyone?). Although Winters was unpleasantly surprised, she let them in. After a few tense table moments, the two ladies finally headed to the bathroom for a little heart to heart (and a few kicks and punches).
When things calmed down, Nikita gave her the lowdown…she said hit the road with your brood before Division rolls up. She also explained her Division takedown plan regarding the black boxes. After Winters agreed to get on board, the ladies then decided to break the news to the boyfriend and stepson. This proved to be a little tricky. The boyfriend started yelling and the kid took off. Not a good thing when it’s time to go into hiding.
Nikita, though, knew how to get them back on track. She headed to the bank for the box while Michael kept his Division honchos at bay. Winters and her boyfriend then pounded the pavement to look for the kid.
Hiding a Guardian
With box in hand and Division henchman hanging around, Nikita knew things were gonna get messy. Berkoff even got in on the game and was able to have eyes on everyone in town. This caused a few snags. He nailed down Winters’ location in no time, while she was on her runaway search, and gave Michael the tip. In order to keep his cover as a loyal soldier, he and the Division strike team headed over there to cut her off. Winters quickly spun some story about stopping Nikita and that seemed to work.
Then, Berkoff gave Michael a lead on Nikita’s location. He said she was hanging in a hardware store with some kid (yup, the runaway stepson). Michael and the group followed the lead and soon, Nikita was barricaded inside the store with the kid. Because there was no way out, she sent out the kid thinking he would be safe. Unfortunately, one of the strike team members decided to play tough guy, grabbed the kid, and threatened to shoot him. This got everyone riled up, especially Winters. In a flash, Winters grabbed her gun, blew away all the Division strike team (except Michael), and the nightmare was over.
To ensure Winters’ freedom, Nikita destroyed her tracking device. Michael then reported to Percy that Guardian Winters was MIA and that Nikita had nabbed another box. (Uh oh, we know he didn’t like that news). But what he doesn’t know will really tick him off. In order to find out the scoop about some upcoming, covert mission called Operation Sparrow, Nikita and Michael plan to use the box’s content to get the details to stop it. This will really send Percy over the edge.
Alex’s Dilemma
Things also got messy for Alex in her happy home. While arguing with Nathan, she lets it slip that she works for government assassins. This doesn’t sit well with the nosy neighbor (he thinks she’s really giving him the run around), and he tells her it’s over. Then, she gets an unexpected visitor…Jaden. Yikes, what else could go wrong?
Jaden comes in and is acting all chummy until Nathan pops back by and makes some snarky comment about government assassins. Uh oh, J girl doesn’t like the sound of that! She tries to make a call to Division to report the pesky guy and soon the girls are going at it. Both are throwing blows and in a flash, Jaden goes down with a gunshot wound to the chest. Wait, what? That’s right…Nathan got in on the action. He pulled the trigger. Now, it’s time to clean things up.
In a panic, Alex calls Nikita who tells her to get on the horn to Division, and they will send a cleaner. She does and things seem a-okay until she sits down with Amanda. While setting the story straight for Ms. Inquisitor, she gets a huge surprise. She learns that Amanda has been keeping super close tabs on her by using a cochlear implant. She even recorded her latest phone call to Nikita. Uh oh, cat's out of the bag. Can Nikita save Alex or are her days numbered?
America's Next Top Model: Camels and monkeys and cobras, oh my!
Molly tell the movers to be careful with her dinette set.
The cast of America's Next Top Model heads to the scenic Marrakesh, Morocco where they get a taste of the food, the culture and a close encounter with the local wildlife. How jealous do the eliminated models feel when they see this destination location?
Read on!
You can’t possibly be angry in Morocco
On the drive from the airport the girls soak in the new country they are visiting. But Molly is busy reaching, trying to explain why she has anger problems. She is suddenly playing the adoption card -- she has abandonment issues. Wha? This is all news to us. We think it’s just because she’s a cranky bitch.
They are dropped at an amazing, bustling, colorful marketplace and they are clearly not in Kansas anymore. Monkeys roam around and cobras line the streets. At the trailer park where Brittani comes from, when you see a snake you kill it, you skin it and you eat it. We’re guessing that they taste just like chicken.
The Jays arrive at the marketplace and they tell the models that they get to tour the place on their first day in order to truly soak up the atmosphere and to get some Moroccan inspiration. They enjoy a traditional lunch at a local restaurant. From there, they are taken to a magical place called Villa Amir where they are greeted by André Leon Talley and famed and Moroccan designer, Noureddine Amir.
The girls are given couture outfits to model but fiercely real Kasia has a difficult time finding something to fit her. What is she, a size 4? But it seems that all the dresses were created for the size 2s in life. She’s humiliated and yet she didn’t let it show when she went out and walked for André and Noureddine.Plus she packed her high heels in her carry-on so she had that over the barefooted others. Molly’s dress is gorgeous and very long. Whoops! Things didn’t go perfectly, so she’s sour. And it shows.
Next up, the girls get to see their awesome new home. Naturally, Molly hates the sleeping arrangements.
Not over the hump just yet
The next morning the models trek off into the dessert. If it smells like animals and hay, Brit feels like she’s right at home. The photo shoot this week is atop a camel. Mr. Jay points out that camels are grumpy. Well, at least we know that they’ll get along well with Molly.
Famed photographer Michael Woolley is on hand and it soon becomes clear that posing on a camel is harder than it looks. However, Brittani tries hard and Mr. Jay claims that she’s got her mojo back. Molly went with it and Jay is also impressed with her. Kasia struggles because she was too concerned about how her body was looking during the shoot. And Alexandria can’t pull the Woolley over our photographer’s eyes. He sees through her phony act, even though the judges seem to be totally snowed. Hannah rides the camel like a bull and really connects with the animal. She finally is able to show some personality and we’re thinking she’s the one who has grown the most lately.
A pitiful panel
No one wants to be the first one to make that long trip home from Morocco, but someone’s got to do it. Guest panelist this week is Franca Sozzani—Editor-in-Chief of Vogue Italia and she’s tough to please. Kasia’s one good shot made her come off like a mad tourist and Franca is not impressed with her as a model at all. However, she really likes Molly so we know she’s a bad judge of character.
Molly gets best photo this week. Brittani gets runner-up and Alexandria and Kasia sit at the bottom two. Ultimately, Alexandria’s talent is spotty and the judges aren’t sure they can trust her demeanor on set. Kasia’s talent is also spotty and she lacks the consistent confidence that models need. So Kasia is sent home. And we’re a little disgusted. Why continue to bring plus-size models on as contestants if they won’t give them a real chance?
One Tree Hill kept the flashbacks to a minimum and doled out some plot this week -- imagine our surprise! We were less surprised by the revelation (or at least strong implication) that Ian was the drunk driver who nearly killed Brooke and Jamie, but the potential loss of the River Court was a bit of a shock. Do you think it will happen?
Goodbye to the River Court?
The River Court has been a huge part of this show since episode one, but apparently its days are numbered. The hoops are gone, and a sign proclaiming it the future home of the River View Condominiums looms. Will it really be torn down? Mouth suggests that Millie do a story on the court (hopefully not dressed as a chicken this time), which, again, duh -- why have a TV reporter on the show if you can't do an elegiac piece on this show's spiritual home?
We're guessing the court's survival depends on whether the show returns. But who knows? We could be wrong.
Read on for more surprises, after the jump!
Nathan's crusade
Nathan brings Jamie to class so he can surprise Kellerman with veiled accusations. Kellerman invites Nathan back to his office, and originally tells Nathan that it's not what he thinks -- he hit a deer the night of the storm, nothing more. Nathan isn't buying it.
Later, Kellerman finds Nathan at the River Court to confess -- and apologize. I was drunk, I was an idiot, and in compensation I've resigned from the university and will pay restitution, he says. Kellerman would prefer that the authorities not be involved, but he tells Nathan to do what he feels is right.
So it's all good, right? Well, no -- when Julian confronts Kellerman, the prof reveals that he lost both his wife and son. Wait, does he mean a son besides Ian, or is he talking about Ian himself? And later, when Ian meets Clay and Nathan to toast to his upcoming showcase, he reveals that his drink of choice -- actually, the only thing he drinks -- is Phidian's bourbon, which is the bottle Nate found in the car. Could it be that Ian is the one responsible, not the Prof?
Yes. Yes it could. And we're pretty sure we called that in a podcast weeks ago.
Brooke and Julian
Brooke is still depressed about how the adoption fell through -- and we can't blamer her. Also, they seem to have a metric ton of baby equipment in the house, so she's not exactly able to move on, you know?
Then Brooke gets a phone call -- the new owners of Clothes Over Bros want her back. They're offering her a bucket of money, complete creative control, and her old apartment in New York. Will she come back?
Victoria tells her she'd be stupid to turn down the offer. Julian says that he'd be happy to move (which, duh -- it's a lot easier to be a filmmaker in New York that in North Carolina. Just as Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Spike Lee...) Will she leave? Again, we're guessing the answer depends on whether the CW picks up the show for season 9.
Everyone else
Haley is happy at home with baby Lydia, and is still able to check in with Tric via webcam. Awwww. Quinn books a band and gets Alex to open. Alex does well, and she and Chase flirt. Clay attempts to wear a cowboy hat, but mercifully discards it before he's seen wearing it in public. Chester the bunny is offended that Lydia's middle name honors some long-dead cat rather than a live bunny. Mouth hates airports. The end.
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Wait, so Nathan can just bring strangers into Kellerman's house? After the dognapping, you'd think that the Prof would have increased security.
Brooke: Maybe it's good that the River Court will be gone. When we see it it just reminds us of what's gone. Who we thought we'd be someday.
Wow, it really sounds like Brooke has given up, doesn't it?
Why was Quinn wearing sequined shorts and a sweatshirt? WHY?
Chase: How are we doing on the booze-and-boys front? Alex: Well, I don't know how you're doing on the booze and boys front considering you gave my job to Mouth after he tied a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue, but I'm doing quite well, actually.
When Kellerman finishes packing up his office, he's left with framed pictures of his son and his dog. He takes the picture of Dogust, but leaves the one of Ian. We have to admit, we like the dog better, too.
Mouth's airline rant makes us wonder if he's working on a career in observational comedy.
So what do you think? Is the River Court dooooomed? With Brooke and Julian leave Tree Hill? Will Nate turn in his star client? And will the show get picked up for a ninth season? Talk about it in the comments!
We just hope they're as accepting of Brittany's crazypants hat as they are of Rachel's nose.
Image can be a tricky thing, especially when it comes to self-image. The way you view yourself is rarely ever the way others view you, and the disconnect can make for some interesting storytelling. Or the premise of an entire show, in this case.
After an unfortunate smack to the face during rehearsal, Rachel is confronted with the possibility of getting a nose job, which lands the glee club in an image-centered debate big enough to overwhelm the typical hour-long slot.
The healing power of T-shirts
With the gleeks in a dual spiral of self-doubt and self-empowerment, and Emma still held fast in the clutches of her OCD, Schue turns to Lady Gaga. The club will work on a rendition of "Born This Way" and make T-shirts stating what they are the most ashamed of. Emma leads the pack with her example, but comes up short when her T proclaims merely that she is a ginger. So Schue finally tells it like it is: That Emma uses her profession of helping others' issues to avoid tackling her own. Somehow Emma finally hears reason in this and goes to seek medical help. She gets a new bottle of prescription meds and a new hangup emblazoned on her T-shirt.
Read on for the painful realities of being Lebanese.
Model citizen
When considering getting a new schnoz, Rachel turns to the beauty queen in residence, Quinn Fabray. Quinn accompanies Rachel to the plastic surgeon's office to have model photos taken and the doctor mocks up some images of Rachel with Quinn's nose. We get a lovely little mash-up (holy hamstrings -- how long has it been since we've had a mash-up on this show?) of "Unpretty" and "I Feel Pretty," in which we think the two girls are having a moment of clarity, but it seems we're mistaken. Quinn and Rachel are the only ones on board the S.S. Rhinoplasty, and Quinn's comments about physical beauty become more rage-inducing as the show goes on.
Though Finn can't seem to talk some sense into his image-obsessed girlfriend, he can sing a bang-up version of "I’ve Gotta Be Me" with charming partner choreography from Mike Chang. We can't tell if it's the auto-tune, but Finn really rocked this one.
Blackmail, espionage and G. Gordon Liddy
It seems the struggle to be pretty, or at least recognized as attractive, brings out the ugliest aspects in the gleeks. Santana's lesbianism-heightened gay-dar alerts her to Karofsky's problem, and thereby gives her a solution to being stuck on second fiddle after the immaculate Quinn. She proposes a deal to Karofsky: Fake-date her and help her rid the school of bullying, thereby bringing Kurt back to McKinley and getting thankful accolades in the form of prom queen votes. We don't see how just the votes from New Directions will get her the tiara, but whatever.
Karofsky agrees, but Kurt and Burt still have their reservations, and Kurt squirrels out the truth. Instead of outing Karofsky and Santana's plan, Kurt proposes a compromise: The two will establish a PFLAG chapter at McKinley and Karofsky can learn about being gay without having to actually come out. This results in the dearly missed Kurt Hummel's triumphant return to McKinley, an oddly-chosen goodbye song from the Warblers (but we stopped caring about the song choice once Blaine started playing the piano) and a beautiful rendition of "As If We Never Said Goodbye" from Kurt. We love it when he gets to play around in that glamorous, old Hollywood style of singing, and this was a fantastic example.
Meanwhile, Zizes is fighting dirty in her own battle for the prom queen crown. She digs into Quinn's past and finds out that "Lucy Quinn Fabray" wasn't always one of the beautiful people. The thought of a 14-year-old getting a nose job is kind of unsettling to us, but not nearly as much as Zizes' cruel wallpapering of the school with Quinn's old yearbook photo and nickname, "Lucy Caboosey." But the evil plan backfires, and Quinn is lauded as a heroine who lifted herself above physical restraints. Damn. We wanted a score one for Zizes.
Flash mobs always improve your self worth
Dedicated to talking Rachel out of her nose job, Puck -- who has been an amazing, female-empowering dude this week -- enlists the help of Kurt, a few dozen flash mobbers, and Barbra Streisand. Unless it's the mere mention of Barbra's name and overall cheeriness of the scene, we're not entire sure how some random dance moves motivate Rachel to love herself more. In any case, she ditches the surgery plans, gets "NOSE" printed on her themed T-shirt and rocks it out for the final number, "Born This Way," despite doctor's orders.
Meanwhile, Brittany is still urging Santana to come out and even made her a lesbian T-shirt...sort of. Though Santana does don the shirt, she abstains from taking the stage, instead hiding in the back row with Karofsky.
The final number finally addresses Schue's (and our) issue with the lackluster dancing of late. Maybe it's the joy of having Kurt back or embracing their unique qualities, but the gleeks really looked great up there in the final act. And now we really want a "LIKES BOYS" T-shirt.
What did you think, readers? Was the extra half hour beneficial, or could they have cut some scenes? Are you happy Kurt is back? Wish Santana combined her shirt slogans to say "LEBANESE BITCH"? To the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Santana: I hear Rachel has a bit of a shnoz, which I wouldn't know because like Medusa, I avoid eye contact.
Santana: I'm sure Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not even using them anyways.
Santana: Maybe Rachel likes having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to break hard seeds.
Santana: I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch. Which means I have awesome gay-dar.
Emma: According to recent legend I have no soul.
Santana: You really need to check your leering.
Karofsky: I didn't, I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.
Santana: Like that's any less gay.
Santana: It's when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they're gay. Like the Roosevelts.
Puck: After their 16th birthday the girls at my temple start showing up looking slightly different, and even though its easier to make out with them without constantly getting stabbed in the eye, they're not as hot.
Schue: You know what I think Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection.
Emma: Is that a new shirt?
Kurt: Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you're gay, you've got to know who that is.
Puck: My permanent record is three volumes. I don't remember doing half of this stuff.
Kurt: Only I can lead this Barbravention.
Rachel: Is she here??
Kurt: This is a mall in Ohio.
Santana: Legend has it that when I came out of my mother I told the nurse she was fat.
Final Thoughts
Santana's inner monologues are quickly becoming our favorite thing about this show.
How could Quinn have a warped sense of how nice people are when she's spent her entire high school career with Sue Sylvester breathing down her neck?
We are so glad we only got one Gaga song out of this episode. One fully-Gaga themed ep is enough, and it made room for so many other great songs. Except Blaine's. Seriously, what WAS that?
Puck's shirt was by far the best of them all. If you don't remember it, go watch the episode again. It's true glory cannot be re-related here.
Each week the Hellcats become less like cheerleaders and more like Broadway performers, and this time Coach Vanessa even gets into the act at a benefit for breast cancer. An old “friend” returns to town and is certain to be trouble for Red and Vanessa. We finally see the kiss we would have never seen coming if it weren’t on the previews. And when it comes to cheating, Marti really knows what’s up—so she’s the gal we can count on to represent.
If you can’t be an athletic supporter be an athletic director
A new, interim athletic director has been named—the trustees wanted a new “Yes Man,” so in steps Mr. Laverne, someone they can easily control. And he's kind of a geek. He uses terms like “tasty moves” when it comes to the Hellcats’ routines. After their star quarterback got sent up the river, they have a little image problem and the Hellcats are now the face of Lancer. Dan and Marti sit on the sidelines and make fun of the new athletic director while the practicing Hellcats snicker and raise their eyebrows. So, let’s get this straight…we hate the athletic director who disses us and we also hate the athletic director who wants to work with us. So confusing.
And then for some reason, Laverne is very interested in how Red Raymond’s marriage ended. He asks Vanessa but she’s not about to fess up. Turns out that the NCAA hired someone to do opposition research on Lancer and they hired one of the premiere sports litigators in the state—Red’s ex-wife, Emily. And yes, she still holds a grudge.
Meanwhile, Lewis does fess up about cheating and getting a paper written for him in his freshman year. But he won’t defend himself even if it means getting suspended and his squad being short a base. We’re thinking this is a clear case of the dude covering for someone else about now. Honor Court waits but Lewis won’t talk about it. But Marti isn’t letting him go down without a fight—she’ll act as his student council, and guess who is the faculty advisor for the Honor Court? None other than Julian Parrish. Then there’s Alice, who is feeling guilty and wants to help. This storyline really makes us miss snarky and sarcastic Morgan.
Turns out, the paper that Lewis bought was on the topic of evolution, but he wasn’t taking a biology class at that time. Hmm…suspicious. So it becomes clear that Lewis is covering for someone else. After seeing him argue with Savannah a couple of times, Alice feels she has enough ammo to call her out on it—in front of everyone. And this time she’s right. Lewis is taking the fall for Savannah. Apparently being at a secular school was just too much for her and the topic of evolution was too hard. Forget that there’s the internet at her disposal, a library, tutors and all that craziness. So Lewis suggested buying a paper from Betsy—and he helped her. And rather than let Lewis go down for it years later, Savannah decides to come clean and asks Marti to defend her at Honor Court. But not before it’s made clear that BFF Dan knew about the whole thing earlier, but Savannah made him keep her secret…and he did. Marti is a bit miffed that her friend chose his gal over his pal. We’re reminded of the maxim about bros and ho’s, but aren’t sure it really applies here.
Marti represents—and then some
Marti argues Savannah’s case in front of the judges, and even though her soliloquy is mostly about herself, she preaches “positive outcomes only” on behalf of her friend. We would have used the whole "religion made her crazy" argument but that’s just us. Luckily, the judges are lenient. Lewis gets probation. But Savannah has to be punished. However, given her significant contribution to the Lancer community and the circumstances under which she violated the student honor code, they let her go with a slap on the hand. She’s given a failing grade in the class.
Everyone celebrates by hugging and/or kissing a loved one. Marti feels lonely, so she goes to see Julian to thank him for believing in her. A truly lame excuse. And before she leaves his office they share a super hot kiss. Then, as they pull away they both act awkwardly. But we know there’s something there. After all, she did nibble on his French fries.
CW next season: Top Model All-Stars, plus the return of Gossip Girl, 90210, The Vampire Diaries and Supernatural
OK, CW fans, you can exhale now. The network announced early pickups of some of its top shows today, and we think you're going to be pleased.
First off, America's Next Top Model will return with an All-Stars edition, featuring previous model hopefuls who were "breakout characters" and who "had the most memorable stories from past cycles." Our question: Does that mean they'll be bringing back the girls who had the most potential to make it in the modeling world? Or will they concentrate on the people who brought the most drama? We're pretty sure it will be the latter...
In other, not-at-all surprising, news, the net announced it would be bringing back hit shows "The Vamprie Diaries" and "Supernatural." We couldn't imagine them dumping "Dairies," which is the network's most watched show. "Supernatural" not only survived the move to Friday nights, it thrived in what could have been a death slot. We're thrilled it will be back.
Finally, the CW confirmed what we'd already guessed -- buzz-bait shows "Gossip Girl" (which is not only the net's second most popular show with its key demo but is also a key provider of magazine-cover starlets) and "90210" (which wins big when DVR data is taken into account) will be back.
We're also interested in what's not in the announcement. TV Guide reported that Bethany Joy Galeoti and Sophia Bush had both signed on for another season of "One Tree Hill," but so far the network has remained mum. Then there's newbie dramas "Hellcats" and "Nikita" -- will they stick around? We'll let you know as soon as we hear anything!
"Wait, you want me to TALK to her about my suspicions? That's not how we DO things on the Upper East Side!"
Miscommunication reigned supreme on this week’s episode of Gossip Gossip Girl. Charlie had the right idea when she proposed that Serena actually talk to Blair about the alleged kiss with Dan instead of cyber stalking her whereabouts, but that would just be too easy. And, somehow, Charlie’s common sense-filled, Floridian upbringing faded faster than you can throw away $1,000 on a pink tie as she put on her metaphorical trench coat and dark sunglasses to do Serena’s bidding. Lily traded in an orange jumpsuit for a stylish ankle bracelet and a nine-month sequestering in her fancy pad. Raina included Chuck in her ill-fated first attempt at finding her mother and Vanessa finally got the boot. Here are some other thoughts:
Most obvious: Blair rejected an outfit from Serena’s closet saying it screamed, “let’s skip dinner and make a sex tape.” Isn’t that a characterization fit for the entirety of Serena’s wardrobe?
Most vain: Lily’s trying to find clothes that will either hide or match her ankle bracelet. Oh when will she learn?
Most outrageous request: Nate’s mother destroys Lily’s party and then has the nerve to ask if she can have the food Lily ordered sent to the new venue.
Most surprising move: Rufus will do anything for love, even condone blackmail.
Continue reading to find out who Dan cut out of his life.
Most unlikeable: Is it just us or does Charlie rub you the wrong way? Is she just trying to fit in or does she have an ulterior motive?
Worst plan: Blair’s plan to stage a fake kiss with Dan so her prince’s advisor will think she’s not interested in nabbing a spot on the throne reeked of failure from the starting point. Usually Blair is more on the ball.
Biggest mistake: Serena sends Charlie over to flirt with Dan. It’s not surprising then when she shows up unannounced at the loft later that night.
Biggest hypocrite: Lily has not treated others’ past transgressions with compassion or forgiveness, so she can’t be expected to remain at the top of the social strata now that her reputation has been compromised. What goes around comes around.
Oldest argument: Blair and Serena get into another fight about Serena always stealing the spotlight from Blair. Didn’t we do this in Paris and wasn’t there a fountain involved? These two need to get over themselves and each other.
Most redeemable moment: Charlie tells Dan about Vanessa’s phone call to Serena.
The door slam heard around the world: Dan tells Vanessa to beat it. Finally!
Moment of truth: It appears Thorpe was telling Chuck the truth about the fire and Raina’s mother. And there’s a tape to prove it.
Blair and her prince throw caution to the wind and step out in public to display their affection, but what about Chuck? Just last week Blair realized she wanted to spend her life with Chuck and now she’s head over heels for a prince. Serena’s got bigger things to worry about than Blair with Charlie running around the city and now versed on the workings of Gossip Girl. What did you think?
Seriously, this would not be that bad if she didn't match it to her shirt. Right? Right?
It seems a lot of the West Bev folk were driven by their phobias, brain chemistry and baser emotions this week on 90210. You might be saying to yourself, "Well, isn't that what always happens?" To which we say yes, but this time a few of them are definitive medical and psychological issues as opposed to just "baggage."
Hey Annie, it's called FAFSA
So we can't even pretend that we watch 90210 for its original plotlines. But when a fully predictable story is lifted from "Family Guy," we've got problems.
Annie apparently can't afford to go to college -- something she's worrying about a little late in the game, frankly -- girlfriend should have been looking into student loans months ago. Anyway, on her hunt for a job she meets Marla, a crazy old hoarder who lives in Beverly Hills and needs someone to help her "get her affairs in order," or basically organize her junk. In her daily tasks Annie discovers that Marla was a movie star in the 60s and then gauchely refers to Peter Fonda as "that guy from 'Easy Rider.'"
Marla might have been a big star, but it's clear she feels her best days are behind her. Still, she takes Annie under her wing and tells her about old Hollywood and John Cassavetes, then buys her lunch at glamorous old hot spots. Unfortunately, Marla has memory issues (Alzheimers? Dementia?), as she can't remember Annie after she returns from taking a phone call. Marla eventually gets a grip, but is shaken by the incident. Back on the job, Annie finds assisted suicide pamphlets in Marla's desk. So this episode is definitely skewing toward the darker side.
Read on for the horrible wrath of Naomi! Again!
Trickery may not be the best intervention approach
Raj and Ivy are growing closer, until Raj signs her up for a surf invitational without her consent. The little surfette is miffed that Raj took such liberty, but seems over it when she sets up a picnic for them at the beach. Unfortunately, Raj executes a not-so-clever drowning act to lure Ivy into the water and subsequently finds himself deeper in the doghouse, quite rightly.
Despite Ivy's fireworks after Raj's performance, she shows up to the surf meet anyway and takes first place, not a speck of rust on the surfboard. We find out that Raj has been missing post-chemo checkups, but he's ready to get back on the examining table after being inspired by Ivy's courage. So we guess his evil little plan actually worked? Damn, we hate when the boys are right.
From blue skin to green eyes
Naomi and Max are still keeping their tryst on the down-low, something we thought they kind of got over last week when it was established that they really liked each other. Oh well, we won't pretend to understand kids these days.
With an academic invitational on the horizon, Max is having a hard time making space to hang out with Naomi, which she takes with good enough grace, until she sees his late-night study partner Alex is a really cute girl.
Naturally, Naomi spies on the little nerd, hears about the wild after-party the academia crowd throws every year at the invitational, and succumbs to irrationality. She tails Alex and Max to their hotel room before bursting in like an angry parent at a high school kegger, terrifying Alex to the point of tears. Alex bails on the invitational and, as the only West Bev girl in town, Naomi has to take her spot on the team. The competition comes down to one final question (predictably) and team captain Max has to choose between Naomi's suggestion and his nerd squad's. In the day's second act of irrationality, Max goes with Naomi, who is, obviously, wrong.
Despite her lack of knowledge on indigenous Caribbean languages, Max is still on team Naomi and decides to take the relationship public. And now we really want that "Geology Rocks" T-shirt.
Run, Silver, Run
We don't care what medication Silver is missing out on, she would NEVER dance around her place to "Walking on Sunshine." We just had to say that.
But let's move on the problem at hand. Unwittingly off her meds, Silver is bouncing around Beverly Hills like an unhinged and but much less debauched Charlie Sheen, dying her hair bright red and considering wearing leopard print to an NYU interview. We personally don't see anything wrong with the red hair (coughwehadthesamecolorinhighschoolcough), but her over-the-top-I-might-be-on-cocaine attitude should be sending off a lot of alarm bells for her friends, who already know she has bipolar disorder. Then again, that requires thinking.
Despite her manic behavior and showing up late to the interview after running there, Silver's cinematic brilliance shines through and she manages to impress the interviewer. Unfortunately, she leaves him oodles of voicemails throughout the night, calling his cell every time she's struck by an idea, which is veering back into her stalkerific behavior. Hopefully someone will intercept her placebos soon and initiate a lawsuit against Adrianna, because at this point she totally deserves to get sued.
What did you think, folks? Will people accept Naomi and Max? Will Annie be able to help Marla? Was Silver's hair THAT bad? Comments, ahoy!
Notes n' Quotes
Max: It's nice.
Naomi: It's not nice, it's Gucci.
Navid: She's brilliant. Like, a bona fide genius.
Naomi: Not when it comes to fashion...
Annie: This place is very interesting.
Marla: Interesting. Well, that's an interesting choice of words. It's a mess.
Silver: (Gestures to her hair) What do you think?
Naomi: She did it to herself on purpose...
Annie: She makes the "Grey Gardens" chicks look like Martha Stewart.
Naomi: Frankly, I don't even understand gravity. I pretend to, but I don't.
Annie: You ate with Bette Davis?
Marla: No. How old do you think I am? Don't answer that.
Chris: You ran?
Silver: Nearly a mile, I felt like I was in "Run, Lola, Run."
Chris: You certainly have the hair for it...
Final Thoughts
Ivy would never wear heels to school, no matter how charmingly hippie-esque they are.
Annie should probably not wear skirts that short to job interviews. It's not like she knew Marla was off her rocker before she showed up.
Dipping back into the recycled plotline theme, Glee did the fish-out-of-water-trivia-teammate thing last week. Okay, okay, it was only last week and hence impossible to be copied for this week, but COME ON. Get some original ideas.
Hey Silver? There are these new things all the kids are using when they get stranded and can't drive somewhere. It's called a taxi.
What is Annie drinking that is non-alcoholic and still has an olive in it? Gross, dude.
Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!
We were tempted to splice in a bunch of clips from old One Tree Hill podcast and call it a day, but in the end, we're professionals. (Also, we decided that would take too much work.) Instead, Darcel and I rail against the overuse of flashbacks, then wonder what it takes to be on the OTH writing staff, because they obviously got to take a lot of time off. Why don't WE have the sort of jobs where we just have to come up with one decent line about pandas and then we can call it a day?
Until Schwahn hired us (which is looking less likely by the minute), we spend our time dissecting the few new bits of this episode, express our frustration at fickle birth moms, and wonder just what the heck was going on with that whole cracker-eating scene. Seriously. What was that?
We're not sure the folks on Glee understand quite what "neglected" means. How else do you explain people performing songs by Aretha and Adele? Those ladies are many things, but neglected is not among them.
We were hoping that the neglected members of the cast (cough, Tina, cough) would get a chance to show off, but apparently we needed to spend the time on Gwyneth (who really shouldn't attempt Adele) and Mercedes (who should sing Aretha all the time.) Plus, the had the thoroughly ineffective Legion of Doom, a strange diva-demands subplot, and either Gwyneth or Ryan Murphy pitching out a plea for people to stop being mean to them on the internet. Dudes, you're famous and fabulously wealthy. The "hatahs" come with the territory. Suck it up.
Gossip Girl Podcast: "The Kids Stay In the Picture"
Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!
Why oh why is Vanessa even on Gossip Girl anymore? She apparently just pops in to muck about in the Upper East Siders' lives, and to annoy the crap out of us. Come on, Vanessa, don't you have a commune to join somewhere? Please?
In other news, Serena's long-lost cousin Charlie shows up, and she's got a secret! Chuck's plan to get Blair back backfires, and we're not entirely sure why. Blair's Prince Charming arrives in New York, so Chuck may have bigger problems than misplaced scheming. Dan wavers between pining over Blair, then apparently transferring his affections to the new girl. (Fickle, fickle Dan...) Plus, Lily tries to distract herself form her impending jail time with a celebrity photo shoot (as you do...), and we learn that Lily's sister, Carol, wasn't the free-spirited bohemian we thought. Also, Raina is making booty calls to Nate's place, which gets awkward when she runs into Chuck. Maybe it's time to look into getting your own place, Nate...
"Is it just me, or do these glasses make me MORE sexy instead of less?"
It's been two days after the episode and we're still at a loss for the overall theme. Can someone help us out on this one? Or perhaps there was no overall issue, just an hour of entertainment that shows off the virtues of the "Man of Steel" just because. Kind of a nice reminder on why we joined this "Smallville" journey 10 years ago...hmmm, we think we'll go for that. Clark is a hero after all inside and out, and he still finds time to help others reach the hero in them, even while he's trying to figure out his new, clumsier persona.
Read on...
Coupledom seems to be evolving ever more between the Daily Planet duo, and this week, Lois is all about "dorking up" her man so he becomes invisible to the naked eye. According to Lois, "they (the populace) need to look down at Clark, so they can look up to the Blur." Now, we know the history, but we gotta say in keeping with the bullying theme, why should anyone have to be less than they are to deflect greatness on someone else? But there we go getting too philosophical again, perhaps...
At any rate, Clark still can't get used to his clumsiness and Lois continues to be his biggest cheerleader -- even going so far as to put up "Man of Steel" billboard ads to promote the Blur in light of recent developments that include a new superhero in town: Booster Gold. Gold, a former football player from the future, has come back to Metropolis to one-up Kent/The Blur in the eyes of Metropolis and the world for no other reason than to be put in the history books as the greatest. Of course, Booster Gold makes it look easy since he can fly, has a stereotypical superhero suit, an 800- number for people to call if they're in need, and backup dancers. (FYI...anyone who knows us, knows that backup dancers make everyone look better!)
Clark is worried that since the Blur has been incognito as of late, people might forget what a real hero does -- avoid the spotlight in favor of the common good. Booster Gold, on the other hand, is all about the fame, glory, and fans. Booster can't be bothered with humble pie when the public, including Cat Grant, is salivating over him and he's out for the key to the city. Gold throws down the gauntlet to Clark to step up and show the world he is better than him. How? Why, by tracking down a dangerous weapon called the Scarab (a blue beetle that bites it's host and transforms him/her into a metallic covered villain with other-worldly powers).
Gold is confronted by the poor teen who has been taken over by the Scarab, only to be turned away for his other adoring fans. What ensues is an onslaught of fire-power from the teen in Scarab form that almost takes out Booster AND Cat Grant (who's doubling as a fly-girl backup dancer to get Gold's story for the Daily Planet). Luckily, Clark is there to save Cat from a direct hit (after he goes into a prop phone booth to change from mild-mannered to the leather-clad Blur).
This received the slow clap from us, because we finally got to see where the phone booth staple came from! Can we just say a quick aside here? THIS is why Smallville rocks. All of the details that make Superman who he is have been revealed at their own time and place that doesn't make it feel forced. OK, off of soapbox...
What follows is Cat finally gets a clue as to what a real hero is...and Booster Gold has a "be careful what you wish for moment" after he talks the teen, turned Scarab weapon, down off the ledge of killing himself and others. Of course, this happens after Clark has a talk with Booster saying "the suit doesn't make the hero, but the hero is made in moments and decisions he makes and why he makes them."
In the end, Booster gets a conscience and learns the adoration of people is not all its cracked up to be. The bullied teen learns he can control his life and Lois gets the promotion over Cat. But perhaps the best quote/event of the night? Booster tells Clark the "Blur" moniker sounds like a roller coaster. "A name should start with "super" and then brand it."
Ahhh, "Smallville" writers...to quote another pop culture mainstay: "We love it when a plan comes together."
"No, these aren't Halloween costumes! Why do people keep asking that?" "We will take some candy if you've got it, however."
The boys go back in time to visit the Old West this week on Supernatural, and it turns out that a lifetime of memorizing every Clint Eastwood movie does not, in fact, prepare you for the realities of 1861. Sorry, Dean! At least you got to live out your Western fantasies with minimal scarring!
Meet the MacGuffin
A perusal of the Campbell Family Library reveals that you can kill the Mother of All with the handy application of Phoenix Ash. Problem: The last recorded sighting of a Phoenix was in 1861, when Samuel Colt's Gun That Can Kill Anything (except when it can't) brought one down in Sunrise Wyoming.
Fortunately, Dean says, they know a guy who can make that handy-dandy time-travel thing work for them -- no DeLorean needed! After a brief interval with a less-than-amenable angel named Rachel, the guys get Cas to agree to send them back. The catch: They've only got 24 hours, or they'll be stuck in the past forever.
Read on for more Wild West Winchesterism!
I love the smell of authenticity in the morning…
After a quick shopping trip, the guys are ready for their Western sojourn. Dean has studied the era extensively through the oeuvre of one Mr. Clint Eastwood, so he thinks he's got this assignment licked.
Unfortunately, the real Old West turns out to be dirtier, germier and less fashion-forward that he expected. The saloon girls sport running sores and questionable dental hygiene; the whiskey tastes like gasoline; and men who wear clean clothing are looked at askance. Plus, Dean's Eastwood-appropriate serape is roundly mocked. Poor guy!
The guys arrive in time to witness the hanging of Curtis Finch. Soon after that, things start getting weird: The judge who hanged Curtis Finch (and who snaked Dean's saloon girl) gets burned up by the touch of Finch's hand. The sheriff is the next to get barbecued -- and he asks Finch to forgive him. Finch declines.
Sam rode a blazing saddle, Dean wore a shining star…
In the face of this weirdness, the boys split-up -- Sam rides off to find Samuel Colt (who's busy building that giant Devil's Trap out of railroads) wilderness shack, while Dean gets drafted as the new sheriff. He's obviously thrilled. He tracks down the last surviving member of the hanging trio. Turns out Deputy Dumbass forced himself on Finch's wife, and then killed them both when he was caught. Only problem is that Finch, as a phoenix, doesn't stay dead. Now he wants his revenge.
Dean is smart enough to realize that Finch the Phoenix can't touch iron (those iron cuffs he was wearing during the hanging prevented him from fleeing), so he locks Deputy Dumbass in jail. He is not, however, smart enough to realize that a bullet can kill just as easily. Finch proves Bob Marley wrong by shooting the deputy but missing the sheriff as Dean flees.
Sam tracks down Samuel Colt, who takes the arrival of a "giant from the future with some magic brick (a.k.a. a cellphone)" without getting the vapors. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to follow this future-giant into harm's way. Instead, he reluctantly gives Sam the Everything-Killing (Except When Not) gun and sends him on his way.
Meanwhile, back in the future…
Bobby and Cas aren't kicking back with a cup of Earl Grey while the boys are in Frontierland. Nope, Cas is fighting his deputy Rachel, who accuses him of some annoying vague wrongdoing. Rachel, skip phrases like "dirty little secret" and give us some specifics, OK? Alas, she doesn't survive long enough to heed our suggestion -- instead, she and Cas go at each other with smitesitcks. Cas kills Rachel, but she manages to wound him severely. Cas retreats to Bobby's to convalesce.
Unfortunately, Cas' wound means he's too weak to bring the boys back. He needs a boost -- the sort of boost you get by tapping into the unfettered energy of the human soul. Bobby agrees to let Cas grope his soul in order to get the boys back, even though the slightest slip-up on Cas' part means Bobby will explode. The guys better make it worth it!
High Noon
Sam gets Dean the gun in time for the climactic shootout. Of course Dean kills Finch, and the phoenix is reduced to a pile of ash. Unfortunately, the guys were cutting it close to the time limit, so Dean's moment of basking in his own glory was ill-advised. He drops the Colt and lunges toward Finch's ash-heap corpse to get the vital ingredient, but before he can fill a bottle with Mother-Killer, the guys are dragged back to the present.
It's looking grim for the Winchester boys (and, you know, humanity), when there's a knock at the door of Bobby's house. A delivery guy has a package that's been sitting around the office for 150 years -- a package from Samuel Colt. Seems he went to town to check out what Sam was talking about and found the gun, the bottle and the ashes. He found Sam's address through is magic brick, and sent a care package full of monster-killing ash. Go, Colt!
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Once again, the show rocks the theme episode. Even the credits -- a burning map, the old-timey font for "Supernatural" -- were great. Plus, we got a kick out of this descriptor: "48 hours earlier (and 150 years later)."
"Candygram for Mongo!" For that line alone, this episode was everything we hoped it would be. (You HAVE seen "Blazing Saddles," right? RIGHT?)
Actually, between this and "The French Mistake," someone is showing off their love of Mel Brooks. We approve. Now, can we get a "Spaceballs" reference in there somewhere? Maybe some "History of the World: Part I" love? Heck, we'll accept a shout-out to "Robin Hood: Men in Tights"!
We loved the guys geeking out over Samuel Colt's real-life journal. They're such fanboys!
Speaking of fanboys… Sam: Look just because you're obsessed with all that Wild West stuff… Dean: No I'm not. Sam: You have a fetish, Dean Dean: Shut up, I like old movies! Sam: You can recite every Clint Eastwood movie ever made, line for line. Bobby: Even the monkey movies Sam: Yeah. Especially the monkey movies. Dean: His name is Clyde.
Bobby: Either of you jokers ever hear anything about a phoenix? Dean: River, Joaquin or the giant flaming bird?
Dean: We'll Star Trek 4 this bitch. Bobby: I only watch Deep Space Nine. Dean: It's like I don't even know you guys anymore. Star Trek 4, save the whales!
About your plan? You only have 24 hours Sam: What? Why? Castiel: Well, the answer to your question can best be expressed as a series of partial differential equations. Bobby: Yeah. Aim lower.
Dean even fanboys the fake names this time out. He called himself "Marshal Clint Eastwood," and introduces Sam as "Walker… he's a Texas Ranger."
Dean: You know me, I'm a posse magnet. I mean, I love posse. Make that into a t-shirt. Sam: You done?
We get it, Dean. You're 12. Sigh.
Dean: Iron shackles. Iron bars. Iron nail. See a pattern? Don't worry, most creatures I meet can't get it up for iron. It's a common monster problem. Finch: You're a Hunter? Dean: Slash, sheriff.
Dean: You know what this means? Bobby: Yeah, I didn't get a soulenoscopy for nothing.
So what do you think Cas' dirty secret is? We're guessing it has something to do with a Soul Arsenal. Whatever it is, we're wondering how the boys will take it when it comes out…
We're impressed that Sam managed to ride 20 miles out to Colt's place without getting bucked off of breaking the horse.
We’re not always a fan of his everything-killing-except-when-not gun, but we loved Samuel Colt.
What did you think? Were you impressed or distressed? Did you catch any great movie references that we missed? Does this episode make you wish that Kripke got his Western pilot off the ground? Talk about it in the comments!
It was mission time again for Alex this week on Nikita. Good news…she got to be top agent. Bad news…she had to work with Jaden, and as we know, putting these two babes together in the same room can lead to some messy squabbles. Luckily, the girls were able to suck it up and work together like a dynamic duo.
Unfortunately, Alex had some other struggles to deal with. She had to decide whether to complete the mission or save her own butt. Which did she choose?
The Mission
This week’s mission had the girls posing as models at a huge bash thrown by Kalume, the son of a foreign president. This guy, as Michael casually described, “Looked like a prince and partied like a rock star,” but he was no charmer. In fact, he was major bad news because he had created some deadly nerve gas in a lab hidden under his mansion. The gas was kept in a small resin plate and could be easily transported by using fake diamond jewelry. With the push of a cell phone, he could distribute the deadly poison and kill its target (which he demonstrated on a rebellious bodyguard). The girls, therefore, needed to blow up the lab and destroy the deadly nerve toxin before Kalume could use it for evil purposes.
Problems, Problems, Problems
To complicate things a bit, Nikita, Michael and Alex also decided that this mission provided the perfect opportunity for Alex’s departure. She could just fake her death while annihilating the lab and then she’d be a free woman. Sounds simple, right?
Well, unfortunately the girls ran into a few snags. First, Kalume had an unexpected visitor stop by named Anya. Anya took some of the toxin and planned to use it to kill Kalume’s dad and other leaders while they gathered at a summit meeting. Next, Kalume figured out that Jaden and Alex were more than just pretty faces, and Jaden became next on his list for a poison cocktail.
So, how did the girls get out of this mess? With Nikita’s help, of course. Despite Michael’s resistance, Nikita made her way to the summit gathering. Although Anya had already planted the toxin, Nikita was able to take her down and retrieve the substance before it was distributed.
Alex also did some saving but not of herself. Instead of completing the mission and hitting the road, she decided to head back to rescue Jaden. After a major gunfight with Kalume and his boys, the girls were able to escape unharmed and blow the lab to smithereens. Alex felt so good about her contribution that she decided to stick around and continue to fight the good fight.
Jaden, on the other hand, took a different route. After she returned to Division headquarters, she brought along a little present for her new pal Percy. Turns out she had nabbed the resin plate with the toxin instead of letting it be destroyed. Percy was so delighted with her work that he promoted her to full agent. Yikes, that Jaden is tricky. Watch your back, Alex!
Some Snippets of Snappy Dialogue
“Michael I love you. I just hate where you work.” (Nikita to Michael)
“I’ll call you after I take this bitch down.” (Nikita to Michael when talking about Anya.)
“I know what your gun is making up for.” (Jaden to Kalume.)
“Not bad for a couple of cover girls.” (Jaden to Alex after they successfully completed their mission.)
The Vampire Diaries: Klaus, the wannabe Werevampire.
That's right, I'm sexier than Edward and Jacob combines
This week's The Vampire Diaries had a whole lot of gracious Elijah. Whom we like, so we're glad he's back. Elena likes him too, but the brothers Salvatore? Not as much. Stefan's willing to put tentative trust in him, but Damon's a no-go.
So Elena removed the dagger that killed Elijah, and got Elijah back on her team with a little coaxing. Good thing, too, since he had the info that the curse was really about, and that neither Elena nor Bonnie would have to die to kill Klaus. What the curse is really about...(this is for you, all you Underworld fans)...is that since Klaus's father was a werewolf, and his whole family turned into vampires, he's got the makings of a super destructive Werevampire who can make his own race of baddies to be unleashed on the world, but some witches place a curse on him to repress his were side to prevent this. And Klaus is eager to break the curse and be fully demonic.
Poor Jenna's in on the whole vampire thing now. We feel sorry for her since she's afraid and probably feels like a chump since everyone, literally everyone knew about it except her. Didn't help that Alaric's body was inhabited by Klaus, who for some unknown reason showed up at Jenna's house to antagonize her??? We mean, he has a bunch of work to do, but he chooses to spend time messing with his host body's girlfriend? For what reason? We don't know. But now Jenna's scared.
Klaus regained his body this ep in a way that totally looked like a magic show. Big person-sized trunk on its end. Alaric, standing next to the trunk, crumples, then the big trunk opens slowly...and out emerges Klaus! Let's have a big round of applause everybody! The only thing it lacked was a scantily clad magician's assistant.
Things are coming to a head on our favorite show. We're almost beginning to feel the pangs of emptiness of the summer hiatus since it seems like things are wrapping up for the season. Next week we've been promised something big...we'll see.
America's Next Top Model: Behind the scenes of crazy
"Do you guys ever just feel trapped?
Next week on America's Next Top Model we’ll rejoin the five lucky remaining contestants as they hit Morocco. But this week marks our very favorite episode in each Cycle—the behind-the-scenes, goofs, gaffs…and well, all the freaky stuff.
Getting groovy with the girls
We always knew that Hannah was a hippie but even we were surprised to see her pendulum-tracking chakras thing going on in the house. We’re so out of touch with all that stuff that we thought chakras was a hairy, hunchback character from Land of the Lost. But we digress. Then they all had a field day waving the pendulum over Jaclyn, who it seems, was the resident virgin.
We also watched the girls celebrate Jaclyn’s 20th birthday—which was very sweet. But then we saw another, weird side of America’s sweetheart who had some serious housekeeping issues. Making her bed was a very traumatic occasion. At least Jaclyn had the smarts to create a “swear jar” in the house. The girls may be pretty but their language is downright hideous. With all the insane potty mouth activity, the lovely virgin from Texas made herself a nice little bundle before she got the boot.
Sara is a vagina kicker
It’s always interesting to see the girls interact at the house. We knew Sara was weird—that rat tail she was sporting when she arrived was our first clue. But we were unaware of the unusual antics, strange finger wagging gesture and her odd comments. Then, when she was called out about being crazy she responded by telling one of the girls that the comment made her want to kick her in the vagina. Say what? And while we’re on the subject of body parts, our favorite quote of the night belongs to Monique who told us that, “Having a booty…is just kind of stressful.” We like to use ours for sitting on and for general balance. No stress.
We also discovered that good skin is not to be messed with. Not only is Kasia a “fiercely real” model, but clocking in at an ancient 26-years-old, she’s also the oldest model in the competition. Naturally, she takes very good care of her skin, drinks tons of water, exfoliates, uses eye cream, vitamin E oil. Still, everyone is jealous.
Getting star struck in Hellay
In a very unusual bonding moment between Brittani and her arch nemesis, Alexandria, the girls jumped around and threw themselves on the ground after running into Usher and P. Diddy in their very own lobby. We’re just thankful that Alexandria didn’t bust out a killer wrap for them right then and there. And where are the cameras when we need them? That footage would have been priceless. We vote that next Cycle, one model is tasked with a helmet cam so we don’t miss a minute.
And speaking of Hellay, it may be where the stars come out to play, but we’re not so certain even they can find their way around. We discovered that Tyra is as sick of watching the models not getting to their go-sees as we are, so this time she figured that hiring drivers to get the girls where they needed to go would do the trick. She was wrong. Maps are confusing with all the streets and words and stuff.
All in all it was a fun recap of the Cycle so far. We were reminded of all of the ghastly events, like the horrid trouble in the bubble fashion show, the difficult bee shoot and posing in garbage, but nothing from behind the scenes this time around really made our jaws drop. Again, we’d like to suggest the helmet cam…or maybe a Nigel cam—one that follows him everywhere. Could be enlightening.
Catching up with Ann
The highlight of the recap was finding out what is going on with Ann Ward. Last Cycle’s winner is living the high life—traveling to Italy and Paris for photo shoots and living the model life in NYC. We’re so happy that she’s living her dream and it makes us wonder who will be doing the same this time next year. Who do you think will be able to make her dreams come true this Cycle? Tell us in the comments.
Nothing says "doom" like a pink cape. That's why we own three.
Is it possible for something to be boring and over-the-top at the same time? If you watched last night's Glee you would have found that yes, it is.
Going nowhere much too fast
So we've come to expect a certain amount plot points constructed simply to house and shuffle-off the constantly rotating cast of guest celebrities on Glee. It was completely worth having censors come talk to Sue in the Rocky Horror episode simply to get Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick on screen. But the plot hoops the gleeks are jumping through for Holly Holiday are more than a circus poodle can handle.
On a show that clearly wants the viewer to be very emotionally invested in the characters, introducing Gwyneth Paltrow as a love interest is just insulting our intelligence. Ryan Murphy continually wants his pal on the show, so the writers have Schue fall for her and vice versa. But since she's an Academy Award-winning actress, celebrated chef and author, blogger/guru of sorts and a mother living in London with her rock star husband, she has a limited schedule, so they make her character emotionally unavailable and afraid of commitment. How convenient. Matthew Morrison didn't even seem that sorry to see her go, it was that much of a forgone conclusion.
Granted, along with "Landslide," this was the only other singing performance from Paltrow that we were truly impressed with. "Turning Tables" was a perfect choice for her vocal range, and it's hard to leave a good impression on a song originally sung by the immaculate Adele.
Unfortunately, all this was overshadowed by Ryan Murphy allowing Paltrow to use his show as a soap box. Because really, when she started preaching about online criticism and insensitivity, was anyone thinking about poor Tina anymore? No. We were thinking about GOOP. Also, stop talking like a gansta. That insults our intelligence, too.
Read on for more neglectful behavior and another cameo.
One celebrity's a party, two's a crowd
We also got to see Charice again as Sunshine Corazon, who we must admit we love. "All By Myself" was predictably amazing, and Charice really is like a little bite-sized sunbeam. But again, her entrance and exit were extremely contrived. Hopefully we'll see her at nationals, where she can actually have an organic cameo on the show.
Of COURSE Brittany would be a cat prodigy
We forgot to mention why little Sunshine is back at McKinley: the gleeks need money for their trip to New York, and the until yesterday unheard-of academic decathalon team The Brainiacs, comprised of Artie, Tina, Mike and Brittany, need money for nationals in Detroit. Since selling taffy seems a bit unrealistic to reach their goal of more than $5,000, Holly comes up with the idea of having a benefit performance featuring neglected artists, or a "Night of Neglect." Sick of being alone at the top and still unrecognized, Sunshine wants in on the performance to get a little spotlight for herself, and is prepared to invite all 600 of her Twitter followers.
The Brainiacs thing was kind of a bizarre little twist, but we did get to see Brittany slam the competition with her unparalleled cat knowledge and Artie light up like a Christmas tree when the category "White Rappers" was announced.
We want character development, not caricature development
Throughout the benefit preparations, Sue is gathering a "League of Doom," consisting of Sandy Ryerson, the Vocal Adrenaline coach, and Terri "Honey Badger" Delmonico. Sandy is comic gold as usual, as he's charged with being lead heckler at the concert, but Sue's evil ways have just become a joke. We miss the Sue that was both evil and human -- the Sue that could rant on the evening news about how scaring children is healthy and then go home and play a pick-up game of checkers with her sister. We at least hope she can dispatch Terri with better effect than her other two minions, whose massive failure was just a slap in the face to the diabolical genius that is Sue Sylvester.
Mercedes could use a Snickers
Because that's what got Aretha to stop acting like a diva in that commercial. Actually, we could use one too. Someone get on that.
Fed up with Rachel's limelight monopoly, Mercedes decides to take Lauren Zizes' advice and diva it up. This results in a hilarious Lady Gaga Grammy egg reference and (probably) Zizes finding her true calling as a manager. Her ice-cold demeanor while handling the plebes was awe-inspiring.
Rachel eventually comes to the rescue, telling Mercedes that center stage comes at a price: She doesn't care how many people she steps on -- and consequently hate her -- to get what she wants, and Mercedes is just too damn cool to act that way. When Mercedes finally does go on, her little tantrum is worth it. We are of one mind with Sandy, who can't heckle because he is simply too moved by the performance. Because this is what we love about Glee and that gets continually overlooked -- that the original cast is comprised of uniquely talented, honest-to-goodness performers, and Amber Riley is the creme de la creme of that team. It seems that "Night of Neglect" was a little too on-the-nose, as Glee has been neglecting any valuable development of its core characters lately.
What did you think, readers? Has the show fallen from grace, or are you still on team Glee? Do you wish you could have seen the rest of Tina's performance (because the opening was pretty damn awesome)? To the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Zizes: I'm so trying to remember his name right now.
Sue: I'm sure you're all wondering while I called you here in the dead of night when I'm usually out bow hunting for hobos.
Dustin Goolsby: I'm not gay.
Sandy: I don't care. You're hunky and I'm what you call a "predatory gay."
Terri: What kind of a meeting doesn't have bagels or something?
Sue: You strike me as a bit of a tool who likes playing mind games with his opponents.
Rachel: You're a terrible spy.
Artie: Seriously, with your size you could hide in air vents for days.
Holly: Tomorrow were going to do Catherine the Great and her pet horse Fred, so come early!
Dustin: Admit it: I'm handsome, I'm good-looking and I'm easy on the eyes. Oh, and I'm gorgeous.
Holly: I'm dating Will Schuester
Dustin: Let me tell you something about Will Schuester. He has tiny baby hands.
Santana: I have razorblades hidden in my hair. Tons, just all up in there.
Finn: What's that saying, the show's gotta go all over the place or something.
Holly: I spent three years sending hate mail to Debbie Gibson until she wrote me back saying the stress of my insults gave her alopecia.
Blaine: You're a really terrible person, you know that?
Sandy: You sound like my court-appointed therapist.
Sandy: It's drug money, but you know, it's actually a fantastic way to launder it.
Final Thoughts
We hate Holly's gansta talk, but we did love the Wallace Simpson shout-out. Because who doesn't love British monarchy history with a Nazi-sympathizer-smear thrown in?
Oh, Emma is getting an annulment, if anyone cares.
Mike Chang's dance was amazing, but how is Jack Johnson a neglected artist?
"Jamie, did I ever tell you the story about..." "Yeah, mom, you did." "Shut it, kid -- Roll flashback!"
One Tree Hill brings on the flashbacks as we await the arrival of Naley's and Brulian's respective babies. This mostly served to remind us how much Nathan and Haley have to flash back to, and it made Julian, Clay and Quinn seem like Hillers-come lately. And yes, Brooke got a little bit of high-school-era flashbackery, but we could tell the show was really reaching to get her a scene that didn't mention Peyton or Lucas. Sigh.
The waiting
When we broke off weeks and weeks ago, both Haley and Chloe were going into labor at the very same time. What are the odds? OK, on this show, those odds are 1-1, but we will maintain the fiction that it was a shocking development. Brooke decides not to tell anyone that she and Julian are there to get their little bundle of joy, so as not to steal Haley's thunder.
Everyone passes the time by either (1) gazing in on all the newborns and voice-overing philosophically, or (2) telling stories or otherwise flashing back to The Good Old Days. The ostensible reason for this is Jamie wants to make an instruction manual for Lydia so she can keep up with who everyone is. Sure, why not.
Read on for our thoughts on... well, the very little that happened this week.
Brooke and Julian
Brooke and Julian are adorable waiting to meet their new baby, and are happily trying to come up with names, remembering high points of their past, the usual. And you know, Brooke has been though so much lately, so the show couldn't possibly make her suffer any more, right? Right?
Yeah. Sorry about that -- it turns out Chloe reconsiders giving up the kid when she sees her boyfriend is there to... look at newborns? Come on, Chloe, you're still thoroughly unprepared to raise a child, and you haven't even told your parents you were preggers. Sigh. Cue the waterworks from Brooke. We get it, show, she's a very good crier, but please, give the girl a break!
Nathan and Haley
Blah blah baby, blah blah long relationship, blah blah flashback to when Nathan's hair was shaggier and Haley was still TutorGirl. Plus, Dan sighting! Hi, Dan! Sorry we only get to see you in flashback, but hey, we'll take what we can get.
Everyone else
Jamie is predictably adorable. Quinn and Clay are goofy, and they say romantic things to each other. They talk about having a family some day. We smell a plot point of season 15!
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
When we discovered that the show had given us three flashbacks in the first eight minutes, we realized we'd only have so much to recap this time out. Sorry.
Jamie provided much of the Lucas-style voiceover this week. We feared that it would get a bit treacly, but fortunately Jamie hit us with this deep thought: "I guess out of everyone who's ever been born, probably the most famous birth ever is Jesus. But people make a big deal out of pandas, too."
Jamie's in, what, second grade? Third? Should he really be able to calculate how many babies are born per hour and per minute based on knowing how many babies are born in a day?
Brooke and Julian run into the hospital and approach the nurse at the front desk
Brooke: Hi! We're having a baby!
Nurse: Honey, you do understand it takes about nine months?
We discover that Haley's middle name is Bob -- and that said name was inspired by the family cat. OK, we sort of can see that... but we have no idea why Haley would inflict the same middle name on poor Lydia.
Haley and Nathan reminisce for Jamie:
Haley: Do you know that by the time [Lydia is] your age, you're going to be in high school?
Jamie: And when you and dad were in high school you had me?
Haley: That's right. You're not allowed to do that.
Haley: I remember the night I told your dad that you were going to be you. That he was going to have a son.
Jamie: Remember that dad?
Nathan: Yeah. I had six turnovers at the time. You're not allowed to do that either.
We kind of loved the flashbacks of Haley being a badass. For the good girl, she does seem to get into quite a few knock-down-drag-out brawls.
Can you, in fact, eat six crackers in a minute? Are you allowed to have water and eat more than one at a time? Because under those circumstances, we're pretty sure we could pull it off. Granted, that whole thing was in there just so we could see Quinn and Clay spray cracker crumbs, but we still dispute the logic.
Seriously, show, when are you going to allow Brooke more than 2.5 seconds of happiness? WHEN?
What did you think? Were you happy with the return, or do you wish there was more there there? Talk about it in the comments!
