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Smallville: Check your parental baggage at the door

"So what if I stole it from Krueger? For chrissake, Hollywood is on the fourth Spider-Man flick in nine years, I'm hardly the worst offender.

We think this is the fastest Smallville has ever moved. No seriously. With this being the final season, gone are the weeks of prolonged waiting for the right words to be said. Now it's full speed ahead trying to tie up loose ends and unanswered questions. We go from Clark coming out of the closet one week, Lois and Clark consummating the relationship the other, and Clark meeting the parents last week. This week we're at the "Lois and Clark move in together" part, with a dose of nostalgia thrown in for good measure.

Lois comes across a series of VHS tapes that her mother pre-recorded during her five weeks in the hospital before she died. Teri Hatcher, aka Lois's mom, gives her sage advice from the grave (don't let my absence in your life influence your life) and Lois has a good cry in the process. The problem here is that this Hallmark moment sends Lois on a trek all her own to bridge the divide between Clark and Jor-El. Because, according to Lois, she and Smallville can't move on with their relationship until he resolves his daddy issues. That's right. It's not enough that Clark resolved his concerns with his adoptive father, now he needs to do it with his biological papa. As Watson to Clark's Sherlock Holmes (her words people), Lois wants to create a thaw in the Cold War between Clark and his dad. So of course that means heading to the Fortress of Solitude on her own to confront a virtual, nonexistent father figure. And she finds the key to the supercave in seconds flat. Great. Lex, Tess, and countless others have looked for the key, but Lois finds it in moments. The Scooby mojo is strong in this one.

So Lois gets to the Fortress of Solitude and has a one-on-one with Jor-El, telling him his absence is hindering Clark's potential as a hero. Jor-El is not hearing any of that. Lois must be taught a lesson and is zapped with a blue beam. It's not until Clark comes to her rescue that she is released and Clark sees the virtual voicemail his folks left for him before they sent him away from Krypton. Mom and Dad El admit they sent him to Earth with all their knowledge, and none of their ego or regrets. Here's the moment we all have been waiting for, Jor-El admits he's never lost faith in him, even among all the trials he put him through. Both 'rents tell Clark they are confident that he will become Earth's greatest savior. How did Clark not see this message before now? This sounds a lot like the message he would have heard in his tiny spaceship as a baby. I guess we're not supposed to think about that.

Instead we're supposed to be focused on the backstory of Tess Mercer. Come to find out she's really Lutessa Lena Luthor (alliteration much?) Yes, folks, Tess is the bastard child of Lionel and sister to Lex (which is a little odd, because didn’t she try to date Lex at one point? Correct me if I'm wrong, fair readers). In any case, Tess is having nightmares of being tortured while in a home for children. She tries to run away, but keeps being pulled back in. Tess thinks it's all just a dream, until she wakes up to find a music box in the mansion, playing a familiar tune from her night visions. It's a birthday gift from the matron of the orphanage in which Tess was raised, a sort of calling card sent to call Tess home to the St. Louise Orphanage to fulfill her destiny as an integral part of a sleeper cell led by Granny Goodness. Yes, Granny is an old-school freak who gets her jollies from wiping out the memories of her wards in a painful way. She warps their past, so she can mold their future as leaders and tough-as-nails powerful women. Granny holds these children hostage for brainwashing purposes thanks to her telekinetic powers. Young choir members of the orphanage eventually grow up to be Amazon warriors who fight with meteor rock weapons. It’s like "Misery" meets Wonder Woman's twisted sisters who are dressed like Lara Croft meets Mad Max with a Freddy Krueger glove. (There are no original ideas out there, people…)

Anywho, Tess discovers she's Goodness's favorite. And as such, she will be the most valuable, powerful soldier who will help her team, whether she wants to or not. Which team we're not privy to yet, but at least now we don't have to wonder why Tess is so messed up. She never had a chance with a childhood like this. Meanwhile, in the basement, Clark is being tortured by Granny pants herself. She lays hands on him and threatens to take away his memories, but Clark breaks free and saves Tess from a hanging death. All in a day's work. Come to find out Granny Goodness is a part of an unholy trinity serving Darksied--Granny clears their minds, another breaks their spirits and still another minion binds their bodies. Between Checkmate, The Darkness, young Lex 2.0, Tess discovering she's a Luthor, Rick Flag tagging superheroes, Chloe gone and Green Arrow on the lam, I don't know what problem is more pressing. But I guess we'll find that out before it all comes to an end. Maybe next week at this rate! Either way, we now know that Clark will be popping the question soon, so we're getting closer to Valhalla. Did I predict it, or did I predict it? Can't wait!


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