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90210 recap: Why is there a monologue?

"I only had two lines in this episode, but at least I was shirtless."

The opening of 90210 this week had us utterly bewildered. There was a monologue, which surely meant that someone was messing with the format, and WE DON'T LIKE CHANGE (Obligatory Man In The Room: "Is this Gossip Girl?").

Oh wait, it's okay, though, because we find out at the end that it's Annie reading her college application essay. That was scary.

No, it's still scary. Dixon has alienated Ivy from her friends, Navid's father from all appearances seems like a corrupt Los Angeles jerk, and Jacques/Jack is wearing leather pants and falling off his changing table. If there are any Beverly Hills representatives out there in the CW Source Cosmos, can you please verify that most people in your neighborhood are not this insensitive/depraved/irresponsible? K, thanks.

Annie and Dixon
While working on college applications at home, Annie and Dixon "accidentally" open divorce papers sent to Debbie. Since Debbie still wears her wedding ring, the kids assume she still has hope left for her marriage, and the Bobbsey Twins set off to talk to their father. They get a bit of a shock, however, when his "friend" answers the door, a gorgeous woman the kids have never seen or heard of, and appears to have moved in already. Annie and Dix are flabbergasted and run home and tell Debbie what they saw. Debbie tells them that she knows already, and that they should try to be happy for Harry, making her the coolest operator we've ever seen. And that's saying a lot -- we watch Gossip Girl.

We later find out that Debbie didn't know about the other woman and passed it off as though she did, thereby making her even more incredible. It's no wonder Annie writes her "Who is my hero?" essay about her single, hard-working mom, and we were shocked to find that we were actually touched by a moment on 90210. Well done, writers.

Read on for porn industry hijinks and birthday-suit swimming excursions after the jump!

Ivy, Naomi and Oscar
Ivy has become a social pariah after Dixon tells the guys that she slept with Oscar. We're really disappointed in the distance the guys are showing -- everyone knows there's two sides to every story, and Ivy is practically one of the boys -- and Ivy is clearly upset. Naomi does her best to comfort her with a compact to cover up her splotchy face, but Ivy isn't one to accept moral support via (product-placed) Almay.

Meanwhile, Oscar is pursuing Naomi like a hyena dogs an injured wildebeest and worms his way into Adrianna's magazine release party. When Ivy witnesses the exchange between Oscar and Naomi she warns Naomi to stay away from him because he's "evil." We wouldn't go that far, but then we weren't the ones who lost our v-cards to our mother's manipulative lover.

At the party, Naomi seems to have abandoned her party line of "I'm Too Good For You" completely, and lures Oscar out to the pool with a promise of skinny-dipping. As Naomi struggles with her strappy sandals and Oscar dives in au naturel, it's fairly obvious where this is going, though no less satisfying. Naomi pulls Oscar's discarded clothes away from reach and Ivy comes triumphantly strolling out of the party, demanding that Oscar grovel. Ivy's exaltation in Oscar's misery is almost Blair Waldorf-worthy. We like this newly empowered Ivy, it suits her yes-I'm-a-girl-but-don't-call-me-girly attitude.

Jen, Matthews and Jack/Jacques
Ever the socially-gifted relationship maven, Jen decides she needs to make friends with other mothers through baby fashion. Yeah, we don't get how this works either, but that's what makes Jen Jen. Naturally, the other mothers look askance at Jacques' leather pants and Jen's off-color breast feeding remarks and are downright terrified when Jen leaves with the wrong baby. What a typical rookie mistake...oh wait, not really.

Jen is beginning to doubt her abilities as a mother, which reaches a fever-pitch when Jacques falls off the changing table while her back is turned. She has a complete meltdown and tells Ryan that her own baby liked the other mothers better than her, to which he responds with very good advice that actually turns out to be very bad advice. Matthews says that as Jacques's mother, she will have the most profound influence on who he turns out to be, which seems comforting until we see that Jen takes it as a sign to bail.

Naomi comes home from the magazine party to find Matthews alone with Jack (since Jen's gone we can switch it up) and a note saying that what's best for her baby is her absence.

But what about US Jen?? You are HILARIOUS and possibly the best character on this show. WE CAN'T CARRY ON WITHOUT YOU. Please come back and make more poor people jokes!

Navid, Ade and Silver Woodlove
Navid is still reeling from finding out that his dad employs underage girls for his films, and decides to confront his father. The talk goes well, and Mr. Shirazi says he's glad his son told him and he's going to address the matter right away. But when Caitlin comes up to Navid in a huff saying she got fired and it's all his fault, he discovers that his father knew she was underage, and there are more girls just like her. Wow, who didn't see that coming?

When Navid goes to talk to his father again, he gets chastised for interfering and told that he has no business questioning the privileged life he's been given. On top of all this, Ade tells Navid that he can't be her date for her magazine launch -- Vic has roped in Joe Jonas to be her publicity-approved arm candy.

Not one to stand idly by without a really stupid plan, Navid enlists Silver to audition at his father's studio and find out if he really is employing underage girls. Silver is really getting some investigative journalism experience under her belt, she's like Nellie Bly incarnate...only, you know, dressed like a porn star. We get the necessary information and some excellent porn star banter out of the investigation, and Navid is forced to see his father in a new light. He goes to the school advisor and asks to withdraw his essay praising his father from his Stanford application, and when she asks why he blurts out that his father is a child pornographer. That's probably information that shouldn't be spread around, since it's immediately related to the principal.

Silver tries to comfort Navid at the magazine party, which leads to an almost kiss and some very uncomfortable, significant eye contact. Ordinarily we'd cheer this union on, until Adrianna shows some spine by ditching Joe Jonas in front of the press and introducing her real boyfriend, Navid. Vic is furious, but Ade says she's realized all these people are here for her, and she's going to make a lot of money with or without him. Aw, isn't self confidence great? And all it took was some encouragement from a Jonas brother. He should tour high schools. 2

Still, we can tell this was a stupid move on Ade's part. Vic is a wily, slippery music agent and probably knows a lot more about one-upping his opponents. Plus. Adrianna hasn't exactly proven herself to be a powerful intellect.

What did you guys think of the episode? Will you miss Jen? Do you see the beginning of a beautiful friendship between Ivy and Naomi? What will happen to Shirazi Productions? Where will Beverly Hills get its porn??? Make like a tree and leaf some comments!

Wow...that was terrible.

Notes n' Quotes

Naomi: People love me for my honesty and candor.
Silver: Who are these people, exactly?

Ade: This is really not a good time.
Vic: Why? I'm not busy.

Matthews: Why does our son look like a miniature Robespierre?
(He looks more like Oliver Twist, Ryan. We thought you of all people would get literary references correct.)

Annie: Have you thought about where you want to go yet?
Dix: Yeah, somewhere with beachfront access and a women's mud-wrestling team.

Navid: I saw some of your movies, your work movies.
Mr. Shirazi: Is this about masturbation?

Liam: Talking about rich girls is like talking about LeBron James. The more you do it, the more pissed off you get.

Jen: They were boring and gauche and dressed their babies off the rack.

Silver: I'm actually really nervous about something.
Holly Woodlove: Oh, don't worry. They take girls with small boobs, too.

Ade: Hi, I'm Joe Jonas. Oh, no I'm not....

Naomi: Hos before bros!
Ivy: Yeah, we should make a t-shirt...

Naomi: C'mon, don't leave me hanging!
Ivy: Whatever it takes to shut you up.

Final Thoughts

  • We are finally convinced that Charlie is a good guy. Who else would read college application essays? They are the most insipid bits of prose on the planet.

  • We're having a hard time believing Annie and Dixon's reactions to their father's new "friend." At least one of them would be considerably angry, especially since they never see their father.

  • Oscar would be able to sense that Naomi's 180 degree shift towards him was motivated by more than activated pheromones. He is a master of deception, he's smarter than that.


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