"Do I really have to solve this mystery? I'm off the show in a few episodes, anyway..."
Thanksgiving traditions took a backseat to Serena’s destructive behavior on this week’s episode of Gossip Girl. Left by Juliet in a cheap motel pumped up with a mixture of drugs and alcohol, Serena managed to call for help and bring together those she alienated (thanks, in part, to Juliet, Vanessa and Jenny’s evil plot) for the holiday, albeit in the waiting room of a hospital. Despite futile efforts to convince her family and friends that she did not purposely go on a bender resulting in her overdose, Lily made the hard choice of shipping her off to a treatment facility against her will. With only Dan believing her story, the two break out of rehab only to make a pit stop at the one place everyone would look for them first (the loft) and just like that their two-for-the-road, buddy movie plans were squashed. Nate convinced his mother to stow away the divorce papers for one afternoon to visit the old man in prison where he wiled her with his charms. Blair and Chuck tiptoed around their fizzled romance and while they were able to share the same airspace for a day, the sense of yearning between them was thicker than last year’s fruit cake. Here are some other thoughts:
Worst dressed: Jenny is taking Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s hobo chic look too far.
Biggest backstabber: Vanessa plays innocent and blames the entire plot to destroy Serena on Jenny. Love makes people do crazy things, but Vanessa’s actions are unforgivable.
Sweetest moment: Blair sending Chuck a pumpkin pie after they’ve both agreed that spending time apart is for the best. Some traditions never die.
Biggest psycho: Juliet. Even her brother thinks she’s gone overboard. Messing with someone’s life is one thing, but nearly killing them is another.
Continue reading after the jump to find out who Blair teams up with to take down Juliet.
Best deal: Juliet almost kills Serena and still manages to bribe Lilly into financially supporting her every month with a giant check. Some people have all the luck. But, why not just get a job?
Most gullible: Nate has won this title before and he’s at it again. He thinks his father has changed, but realizes he might be mistaken when he finds out dad is up for parole in a few weeks and it looks better to the parole board if the family remains intact.
Most festive: Blair was the picture of Thanksgiving in her pumpkin-colored dress, which oddly she wore the entire episode. This might be a first.
Cutest sidekick: Dorota’s got her hands full with Blair, so it’s good she can just strap the baby on while she deals with the housework and the drama.
Best team: While we would prefer Blair and Chuck go after Juliet, we’re excited by the prospect of Blair teaming up with Dan to bring her down.
Serena doesn’t remember her crazy night out and, obviously if you’ve been drugged, putting together the pieces of an evening surely would be difficult. But when Juliet posts a pic on Gossip Girl of a fake Serena snorting cocaine, why can’t the real Serena tell that it’s a different girl? If anyone can point out an impostor, wouldn’t it be the actual person? How many times do you look in the mirror a day? If you’re Serena that number is tripled. Also, how many pictures do you view of yourself regularly? In this day and age of Facebook, it’s on a daily basis. Why does Serena blindly assume the woman in that picture is her? What do you think?
90210 recap: Who likes being ugly and happy anyway?
"Ouch! It was worth coming to this for the slapstick value alone!"
Moving on can be hard. Most of the 90210-ers are learning this in one way or another lately. Naomi is still struggling to get over her rape, Debbie is struggling with finding a new man, and Navid is struggling with -- well, everything.
Get back on that horse before it kicks you
The only thing more awkward than online dating is having your kids do it for you. Concerned that Debbie will shrivel up into an old crone, Dix and Annie sign her up for Match.com or the like. After a few creepy rejects, Debbie decides on lunch with a doctor that looks remarkably like a beardless Rick Bayless and has the oddest conversation skills we've ever witnessed. Naturally, the show was going to send in someone unsuitable so Debbie could later un-suit Matthews (in the bathroom! ON HER DATE!), but this guy's back-centric dialogue is just...bizarre. Not creepy, not lecherous, not gross, just bizarre. We're weirded out. But we did laugh at Debbie coming back from her unexpected bathroom rendezvous with a sex glow. Score!
One point to note: Dixon, you're a teenaged boy. You know the implications of posting a photo of your mother eating a banana on a dating site. You, of all people, should know better. Now go eat your pork and think about what you've done.
Read on for beach house shenanigans and life slapping you in the face with a surfboard.
A rip-tide is the next best thing to a cold shower
Naomi is starting to feel frisky again, which is pretty much like saying a cat wants to play with mice again -- it's the natural order. Ivy's surf stomping grounds make the perfect setting to ogle tightly-clad men, and Naomi makes up some BS story about her surfing skills when she's introduced to one of Ivy's cute mates.
The two set up a "surf date," the "date" portion of which Surfer Dude has to be blissfully unaware, by virtue of being a dude (for them, sports and dates don't typically mix). This leads to Naomi trying to borrow a wetsuit from Ivy with cleavage (Obligatory Man In The Room: "Oh my God, girl, you don't have any cleavage!") and then getting whacked in the face by her board when she tries to take on the waves. This was completely predictable and yet still hilarious.
In the end, it's Oscar that comforts the be-bandaged Naomi. He's feeling awfully low after a scolding from Laurel for hurting Ivy and he's trying to be a better person. His solution to feeling low? Guacamole. What a coincidence, us too! However, It must be noted that that's also our solution to feeling hungry, not that hungry, angry, happy, confused and drunk. Point being, we like our guacamole.
I'll use you if you use me
Navid is still having a hard time dealing with his family issues and Ade has completely left the reservation. She's busy calling the paparazzi on herself and referring to everyone at West Bev as her "non-famous friends." Per usual, Navid turns to Silver, who is finding herself questioning the nature of their relationship more and more.
Despite his anger at Ade for being a self-absorbed toerag, Navid is sticking by fidelity, technically at least. He's confiding everything in Silver and offering no emotional support in return while still dating i.e. hooking up with Ade. One more reason to steer clear of those emo guys. Meanwhile, Ade asks for Silver's help in making her neglect up to Navid, and like a good friend, Silver obliges.
Feeling a bit rejected, Silver turns to Teddy after Ian tells her they've made up. But when she goes in for the kiss, Teddy doesn't return it. There's someone else, he says, while eying Ian significantly. We end this little love pentagon with Navid somewhat resistively making out with Ade, Teddy cornering Ian in a beach house and making out with him (OMITR: Someone is going to see them!! Crystal, or whatever her name is!!!), and Silver alone and emotionally used-up. Sometimes that heart of gold is more trouble than it's worth.
When the company ink wants to be dipped
Throughout all this, Liam is resentfully carting Laura all over town, who is determined to get a date out of these shenanigans. Liam finally snaps and tells her he doesn't now, nor ever will like her like that, to which Laura (and/or actress Amelia Rose Blaire? Sorry honey, but you've got to work on those emotions) responds with the phoniest crying we've ever seen. It was embarrassing to watch.
When Laura tells Liam that she's been rejected a lot, notably by her thug ex-boyfriend, Liam relents and offers to take her to dinner. Way to take one for the Empowered Women's Team, Laura. Later, at a big luau on the beach, Laura runs into her ex and has a complete meltdown. Liam says not to worry, he'll pretend to be her beau and she won't have to worry about What's-His-Face. Unfortunately, Liam does, since What's-His-Face and his thug friend jump him when he's alone and warn him to stay away from Laura. That daily grind is getting tough for Liam.
What did you think, readers? Should Debbie and Matthews throw caution and their skivvies to the wind? Will Teddy ever fully come out of the beach house? Will Navid forever play James Brolin to Ade's Barbra Streisand? Comment away!
Notes n' Quotes
Ryan: She is full-on frightening and I think that's just because she looks like Christopher Walken.
Debbie: It's uncanny!
Silver: Man, that's all kinds of crooked.
Naomi: I feel like it's time to rip off the bandage with something tall, dark and waterproof.
Naomi: Ivy can teach me to surf in a couple days.
Ivy: Oh yeah, and water ski and windsurf, too.
Dixon: Mom, no offense, but this is how people your age date. (Ouch!)
Laura: He's got Robert Downey's soul with Zac Efron's body.
Ade: You can't understand what it means to me to have normal, non-famous friends.
Debbie: He's a podiatrist. That's weird and gross.
Naomi: There are plenty of guys out there that think I can cook, clean, and pack my own bags.
Naomi: Why the hell do surfers attach their boards to their legs when all it does is hit them in the face when they wipe out? It's like a weapon!
Dixon: Why didn't you tell me? I don't eat pork!
Liam: I just wanted to wait because I thought it'd be funnier. And it was.
Dixon: This girl has you whipped and you're not even getting laid.
Liam: Yeah, it's almost like dating Ivy! Too soon?
Laura: I know I should've worn my platforms, I feel like a short loser!
Naomi: It's hard looking so good and feeling so bad, isn't it?
Oscar: We'll who likes being happy and ugly anyway?
America's Next Top Model: Giving thanks for an ANTM rewind
"I am so sick of this mentor/photographer thing. Can I just go back to being a model already?"
Nothing says Thanksgiving like an America's Next Top Model behind-the-scenes flashback show. This is one of our fave eppies every Cycle because of course, we are privy to all the backstage shenanigans and we get to take a moment to remind ourselves what is so fantastic about our favorite show and all of the little things we’re so thankful for…
Models behaving badly
Don’t double-dip! Seriously…you might be pretty but it’s still so nasty! Apparently, the uber-thin Anamaria loves her some no-calorie salsa so she happily digs into the jar with her spoon (eeks—can’t spare the calories of a chip or a rice cake!) and then digs in again. That’s called double-dipping and definitely a house no-no. Thankfully, she was excused early in the Cycle.
It’s hard enough to deal with the day-to-day Top Model stress, but imagine leaving a baby back at home in order to follow your ultimate dream? Some of the girls suffer this fate but Jane wasn’t do worried about babies, instead, she calls home to secure the Justin Bieber concert tix. A girl has to have her priorities. Though, we figured an Ivy League gal like Jane would like real music.
Models with alter-egos
We originally watched how weird and uncomfortable the BBQ with the male models was but we never knew the real reason why it got so creepy…until now. Apparently, a chick named Myrtle crashed the party. Yes, Chris has a really strange, kind-of-Jim Carrey alter-ego she calls Myrtle. Myrtle came out to play at the party and sent the boys running. It wasn’t a total loss, however, we did notice how the fellas took their burgers to go!
A room with a view and fried Oreos
Being located on the shore of Venice Beach means there will be some great eye candy…and some serious weirdness. One particularly fantastic afternoon, the models reveled in the freak show that was a naked guy frolicking on the beach and then they sat back and enjoyed some of Ann’s fried Oreos. Yes, the thinnest person we’ve seen since Anamaria left the show has terrible, vile eating habits. Luckily, Karolina Kurkova arrived on the scene with some fruits and veggies and made the models some smoothies. Though, Kacey admits that she’d rather eat fried Oreos. Who wouldn’t?
Who will claim top prize next week?
As much as we love the high fashion highlights we hate to see this Cycle come to an end next week. The competition is tough. We think it was about the closest final four we’ve seen in a long time. Chelsey knows her modeling stuff and she never buckles under pressure. Ann is awkward but seems to be blessed by the modeling (and metabolism) gods. So who do you think will take the ANTM prize next week? Tell us in the comments!
Gleecap: Furt -- because it needs no embellishment
"Enjoy it, buddy. You are the luckiest piano player in the world."
Well folks, this week's episode of Glee seemed to be a bit...all over the place. We volleyed back and forth between marzipan-sweet wedding plans and bullying terror watches in the halls. Oh, plus Carol Burnett. We hate to put the immaculate Carol in an add-on like that, but sadly, that was all she seemed to be.
Couples are adorable, even when they're not really couples
We absolutely loved the one-on-one interactions this week. Sam and Finn's honesty with each other about their roles on the football team and as the "big men on campus" was rewarding to see, but maybe that's just the nature of male relationships. Teenage girls just use underhanded comments to make each other feel insecure. Unless you're Santana. Then you just say it to the bitch's face.
Sam and Quinn and Rachel and Finn were even cuter than usual, but of course the crowning glory goes to Burt and Carol, who are finally tying the knot.
Read on for more about the Glee-tastic nuptials!
Honestly, we could not have hoped for a more adorable wedding for Burt and Carol. Kurt offers his services as wedding planner and signs on New Directions to be the evening's entertainment. And since it would be an injustice for Burt and Carol to stuffily march down the aisle, they danced instead. "Marry You" was pitch perfect -- not too sweet and bursting at the seams with jubilation, and it somewhat reminded us of what Polyphonic Spree might be like at a wedding. Carol looked simply stunning and we don't think we've ever seen two people happier to be together...you know, on TV.
Of course the best couple was the titular Furt. After feeling ashamed for not participating in an organized confrontation with Karofsky, Finn finally re-assumes the discarded mantle of strong and kind-hearted leader. From here on out, he tells Kurt, "you're my brother, no matter what." He proves it by putting together a New Directions performance of "Just The Way You Are" for the reception. We're going to ignore the fact that a wedding is about the two people getting married and just accept the beautiful gesture.
Glee takes a Sex and the City theme a little too literally
When Carrie sent a getting-married-to-myself wedding invitation to her friend who undermined her lifestyle, it was more of a subtle self-assertion. Sue was taking her own inter-personal union quite a bit farther with her track-suit gown and gobs of invitations. Is this more awesome or just terrifying? It's hard to say.
In any case, it led us to Mama Dolis Sylvester, who has finally finished her Nazi-hunting just in time for her daughter's "wedding." As two giants of improv comedy, the "Ohio" medley of harmonized song and on-stage banter was perfect for their talents and a fantastic nod to their impressive histories as hilarious women in entertainment. The resentment Sue displayed was sizzling with years of disappointment in her mother, but other than that, the relationship fell a little flat. The Nazi joke storyline was overused, and someone as funny as Carol Burnett should have been given some meatier material. Sue irrefutably has the best lines on the show, so it should follow that her mother have some scalding bon mots, particularly since she's supposed to be the meaner and more callous of the two. Pretty much the most rewarding thing about this plot line was Sue's dress and the introductory clip of Sue's Corner.
Sometimes Glee means the opposite
Unfortunately for our gleeks, the double-edged sword frequently wielded by the Glee writers is always poised ready to strike. No sooner is Kurt happily immersed in nosegays and an autumnal wedding palette, than stuff gets real. Karofsky is looming ever closer, this time engaging in hallway stalking that is both threatening and sexual (again, that kid can ACT!). Kurt and Schue go directly to Principal Sue, who offers her condolences and regret that there's nothing that she can do as principal. Instead, the football team wives rally their men to lay down the law on Karofsky. Finn skips out with some excuse that Karofsky won't protect him on the field, so Mike, Artie and Sam do the honors. Sam ends up with a black eye and Karofsky ends up in the principal's office with his father and the Hummels. It finally comes out that Karofsky threatened to kill Kurt, and Sue expels him on the spot.
The wedding then goes off without a hitch and results in those of us at the CW Source falling madly in love with Schue during his rendition of "Sway." Do that thing with the microphone stand again, Will! Sigh.
But the post-wedding euphoria disintegrates when Kurt learns that the school board has reversed Sue's decision with Karofsky. Sue resigns as principal in protest, but it's basically so she can stalk Karofsky like an animal. We love that we get this magnanimous gesture from Sue; she's at her best when she's both ruthless and genuinely caring. But Kurt still feels threatened, and the newly-wedded Hummels give up their honeymoon fund to send Kurt to Dalton. So despite their unfaltering support of their besieged gleek, New Directions loses a valued member and possibly gains a rival. Whether or not Kurt will side with the Warblers is yet to be seen.
We're still experiencing a bit of whiplash from being shuttled between Himalayan highs and Andreas Fault lows in this episode, but then, life can be that way. It wasn't completely unrealistic, but it lacked a certain cathartic satisfaction that Glee usually provides. Perhaps we were just underwhelmed by Murphy's role for La Burnett. What did you think? Tell us in the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Kurt: I have a trunk-full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme!
Sue: Which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy. So shine on you urban campers, you smell like adventure!
Rod: Not to worry, ladies. It's an open marriage.
Finn: Are you sure we should release 300 black doves indoors? Won't that get kind of messy?
Kurt: That's why we feed them glitter, Finn.
Kurt: My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations they were like Fleetwood Mac.
Kurt: You know, when you call me Lady, that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.
Sue: I'm sorry, I thought that was your name. As an apology I'll let you choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface.
Kurt: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.
Sue: Damn, totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface.
Quinn: Personally, I think you just set the feminist movement back 50 years.
Santana: I'm dating Puck.
Quinn: You're getting naked with Puckerman
Tina: You're dating Artie?
Brittany: Deal with it. ...whenever you fooled around did he just, like, lie there?
Santana: You're so on my list, dwarf.
Carol Burnett: Good news Suze! We finally caught the last Nazi!
Carol: I said no, no, no! She's a perfectly okay child. She'll grow into her looks, and you know what? I believe you still might.
Finn: Karofsky is my right guard, if he gets pissed at me I'm going to get sacked more times than Jay Cutler. (As Bears fans, may we just say: Ouch.)
Carol: Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
Finn: I had a feeling considering how much of a prude you are with me...
Carol: One of you saved me from my wardrobe. The other one just saved me.
Finn: Today a new union was formed: Furt!
Sue: By the power vested in me, by a website, I pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.
Sue: You are welcome to sing "The Sound of Silence" in your hotel room, right now.
Sue: I miss my office, this room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.
Definitely noticed that it took 20 minutes to get to the first musical number.
We loved Sue's Match.com-esque profile: "Extreme taxidermy, Tantric yelling, Poking the elderly with hidden pins." HA!
What is Santana's game? Does she want Finn or does she just have it out for Rachel? Or does she just thoroughly enjoy stirring the pot? She is a Sue protegé...
We now want Ribbon Dancers at our second wedding
The girls were adorable in the episode, particularly Rachel impulsively running toward Finn during "Just the Way You Are" and Quinn breaking into Sam's locker to get the promise ring.
Our three outcasts hatch a plan to ruin Serena on Gossip Girl, and, wonder of wonders, it seems to work. We're going to overlook how Dan and Nate didn't realize it wasn't Serena kissing them, or that no one noticed three identical costumes floating around, or that Serena put on her mask to leave for no apparent reason, or... Look, we don't care. Because Nate and Dan made their bromance explicit, and Blair and Chuck broke our hearts. That's enough to overlook a lot, you know?
It's Thanksgiving on One Tree Hill, so that means it's time for everyone's dysfunction to come out to play! Victoria is released from the hoosegow, and Sylvia invites her to turkey day, which causes Brooke to drink heavily. Alex and Sam spar over Chase, which no one understands. Skills accidentally acquires a live turkey, which Jamie loves to kid him about. Nathan learns he'll have to go back to school, Haley is a domestic goddess, and Quinn returns with an interesting new plot twist. We know -- we were surprised too
Smallville goes under the sea in search of Omega mind
Look upon my abs, you mighty, and tremble!
The funniest thing about this episode of Smallville is that the show starts off with a rant about the greatest threat to liberty and freedom are superheroes.Yes, the government is upset that said white knights will swoop in and help people in times of sadness only to be hailed a hero. This is bad, why? Oh, right…trust doesn't lie in the Oval office anymore, but in a new breed of hero--wait, was that a dig on behalf of the Tea Party?
There's more after the jump -- read on!
This week, we finally get to marvel at someone else's glorious torso, aside from Clark's. Halleleujah…Aqua Man is back and he's demolishing oil rigs that double for superhero prisons with the help of his wife, Mera. With Flag and Lois' dad out of the picture, your friendly neighborhood military member is being played by General Slade this week. He's moving forth on the Vigilante Registration Act (VRA)--the plan for the government to take superheroes under control. At this point, I'm even seeing the benefit of Rick Flag and the freedom fighters, and apparently, Oliver is too. But Clark reminds him that the public doesn't know Flag's group exists, so the world thinks superheroes are behind the drastic measures against evil. So what better way to prove heroes are the good guys than to have one of them register as a vigilante? Oliver decides to fall on that sword. The purpose: If no one registers, the government will come after all of the heroes. That and the team has to find out what happens after one is registered.
Lois is against it, of course, but she's more upset that Clark didn't tell her about his volunteering for the chance to register, until Oliver lets it spill. At least Ollie tells her point blank--just because Clark doesn't tell you everything, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with your relationship. Enough dwelling on relationships, Lois tracks down Slade to find out what he's planning for the VRA. She gets some blueprints of the underground prisons after kissing major brass. But she can't find Clark to tell him the news. Luckily, the Watchtower doc is coerced into helping her. In the meantime, Oliver has registered as a vigilante and taken off the grid by the military, only to be put into a very "Rocky-sque" exercise montage to test his abilities. Oliver relays to the general the superheroes are the good guys, but Slade is not hearing it. That's why he captured Arthur Curry, aka Aqua Man, and has him tethered for torture under heat lamps in Alaska. (Again, another Tea Party reference? Really? So sue me, the last election still has me reeling.)
Lois finally finds Clark in Miami, only to stumble across Mera with the probing question: "Why would powerful men choose a companion of lesser ability?" Lois gives as well as she gets from the 'Little Mermaid' until she stumbles into a Skype session between Tess and Clark about the prisons. As Lois puts it to Clark: "We practically share a desk chair, but I'm still not the real work wife?"
When Lois shows the group the blueprints to the prison, Mera and Clark go to the rescue. Slade gets away, but not before Clark sees an Omega sign imprinted on the skull of the general. It seems that the Darkness has invaded the general and has left its stamp. Almost like the mark of the beast in revelations, Omega is the sign of corruption, a mark that shows someone's been compromised. Clark finally comes to this realization and tells the team if we don't stop it, it will infect everyone. Huzzah, Clark knows the undercurrent of the Darkness. Now we dance! (Oops, sorry. Got a little excited!) Another point for the Boy Scout that is the Blur. In the end, Clark questions how he can protect the world, if he can't protect himself from the darkness? But Lois reassures him, they can do it together. So Lois is finally out of the protected bubble that Clark keeps her in, and in the game for real. Because as AC said: "If anyone can handle you and what you do, it's Lois." Now Lois is clued into Watchtower's existence. Can't wait to see what happens next…
Supernatural: The X-Files meets the Brothers Grimm
Dean attempts to wrestle a plot point into submission.
This episode of Supernatural seemed to be less about the plot than the interaction between the brothers. That's not a bad thing: we happily chortled our way through the episode, and wrote down plenty of lines. But it's not one that's going to stick with us, you know? What about you?
The Truth is … on another show, actually
Let's dispense with the plot quickly: After a young man is taken from a cornfield in a burst of light, most of the town is convinced that aliens are at large. The boys know better, of course -- the last time they encountered UFOs, it was the work of the dearly departed Trickster -- but their assumptions are shaken when Dean himself is snatched. He experienced a bright white light, beings that were too incandescent to look at, the sense of being drawn toward a table of some sort… what else could it be?
Well, resident crazy lady suggests this is the work for fairies -- you know, Tinkerbell and her ilk -- but the boys dismiss this out of hand. Then Dean himself is assaulted by a tiny, glowing, bewinged, naked lady that no one else can see. Maybe this fairy thing isn't so weird after all.
We've got deep thoughts and great quotes after the jump -- read on!
After getting some info from Crazy McFairychick (you can strike a deal with fairies by offering bowls of cream, they like snapping up firstborn sons, they don't like iron or silver, then tend to be OCD when confronted with anything countable) Dean realizes he's being stalked by a fairy and Sam goes to confront the likely source of the fae infestation. Dean is tricked into committing what looks like a hate crime (helpful hint: beating up a guy while screaming "take that you fairy!" is not the way to go), and Soulless Sam is left to take care of the banishing the bad guys. He's briefly tempted by a leprechaun who promises he can get his soul back, but he prevails, and the guys go their merry way. The end.
The real story, however, is how Soulless Sam acts now that he's no longer trying to pass as Old Sam. All of a sudden, he's reminding us of all those a-little-bit-off characters on TV today -- Brennan from Bones, Goren from Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Monk, House… the list goes on. But it's pretty darn funny, so we'll ignore the similarities for the moment.
Soulless Sam doesn't self-censor -- he tells Crazy McFairychick that she's bonkers, and we appreciate it. When Dean calls and screams that he's in a potential alien-abduction situation, Sam doesn't panic -- he warns Dean that there may be "a butt thing" in his future, then orders another beer. And after he does as much as he can to find Dean, he decides that sitting in the dark angsting isn't the way to go, so he picks up a hippie chick and gets busy. Hee!
Dean decides that he has to be Sam's conscience, since Sam is completely out of touch with what's appropriate. But here's the thing -- when Sam is left to his own devices, and encounters the leprechaun who tells him he can get Sam's soul back, Sam declines to make the deal. He says it's because he realized that deal-making never works out well, but we're not so sure. On some level, does he still know right from wrong, and even if he's not ruled by emotions, does he care about Dean? Dean fears it means Sam is going back on wanting his soul again, but we prefer our happier interpretation.
But Sam does set up an interesting conundrum -- does having a soul mean suffering? And that's good…. because? We're not sure he's convinced that getting his soul back is the way to go. Heck, when he puts it that way, we're not sure we want a soul sometimes. It sounds a lot like Damon's explanation that being a vampire means you get to flip the switch that makes you not care. Sometimes, that sounds like a good thing. And let's face it, Damon seems to have a lot more fun than Stefan, and Sam is currently having a lot more fun than Dean.
This wasn't a plot-heavy episode, but they didn't skimp on the quotes. Some of our favorites:
Crazy McFairychick: Of course it's not UFOs. It's fairies! Dean: Fairies. OK, well thank you for your input. Sam: What, flying saucers not insane enough for you? Crazy McFairychick: What newspaper did you say you worked for? Sam: If you want to add glitter to that glue you're sniffing, that's fine, but don't dump your whackadoo all over us. We'd rather not step in it. Dean: OK, we're done Sam: The only thing you're missing is a couple dozen cats, sister!
Sam: What do you want me to do, fake it? Dean: Yes. Absolutely, fake it. Fake it 'til you make it. Sam: What happened to you wanting to be all honest? Dean: Hey, you want to be a real boy, Pinocchio, you've got to act the part. Sam: I was faking it, Dean. Ever since we got back on the road together. It's frickin' exhausting! Dean: All right, but until we get you back on the soul train, I'll be your conscience. Okay? Sam: So you're saying you'll be my Jimminy Cricket? Dean: Shut up. But yeah, you freaking puppet. That's exactly what I'm saying
Dean: But do not engage with, maim or in any way kill Brennan. In fact, I don't want you making any judgment calls all together.If anything happens, call me. Sam: You know, Jimminy, I was on my own for a whole year. I did fine without you. Dean: I don't want to know your definition of fine.
Dean: Holy… UFO, UFO! Sam: Whoa, dude, stop yelling. You're breaking up. I didn't catch that last part. Dean: Close encounter! Close encounter! Sam: Close encounter? What kind? First, second? Dean: They're after me! Sam: Third kind already? You better run man, I think the fourth kind's a butt thing. Dean: Empathy, Sam, Empathy!
Sam: So, you've been hunting UFOs for over three decades and you have no concrete data and zero workable leads. Have you considered the possibility that you suck at hunting UFOs?
Patchouli girl: What were they like? Dean: They were grabby, incandescent douchebags. Good night. Patchouli girl: Too soon, ok.
Dean: I was abducted and you were banging patchouli. Sam: I didn't think she smelled that bad.
Dean: I had a close encounter Sam… and I won.
Sam: You're on the case, and your brother gets abducted by aliens. Dean: Then you do everything you can to get him back. Sam: Right, you do. But what about when there are no more leads for the night? Are you supposed to just sit there in the dark and suffer, even when there's nothing that can be done in that moment? Dean: Yes! You sit in the dark and you feel the loss. Sam: Absolutely, but couldn't I do all that and have sex with that hippie chick? Dean: No! Sam: It would be in the dark. Dean: No you couldn't, because you would be suffering, and you can't just turn that off for the night. Sam: Why not? Dean: Because if you had a soul, your soul wouldn't let you. Sam: So you're saying having a soul equals suffering. Dean: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Sam: ...So you're saying suffering is a good thing. Dean: I'm saying it's the only game in town.
Sam: Everyone on the planet believes in UFOs, and they will not stop writing books about it. Dean: (looking at a blog) Yeah, well, at least books have punctuation.
Dean: It was a little naked lady, okay? It was a little glowing, hot, naked lady, with nipples and...she hit me Sam: I'm not supposed to laugh, right? (Dean punches the wall.) Right, okay, sure.
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Nice X-Filesian opening credits!
We love how no one understood exactly what the boys were getting at when they talked about "hunting" UFOs and "forcefully interacting" with fairies.
We know that Sam is now unencumbered by regret, angst, and other things a soul brings. But does that really mean that his libido is in overdrive? Why is he suddenly checking out everything in a skirt? Why is he suddenly being so season-one Dean?
We loved Dean frying the assaulting Tinkerbell in the microwave. We were less thrilled with him leaning in to ogle her nipples. When a small, glowing, flying lady is hovering in front of you, commenting on her unclad bosom seems like missing the forest for the trees.
"Pewterific" may be our new favorite adjective.
Mr. Brennan, the original abductee's dad, summoned the fairies, and is feeding them gallons of cream. If his grandmother told him enough stories to gamble that fairies were real, he also should have paid enough attention to the stories to realize that dealing with fairies rarely works out well for the mortal.
Nice touch, having the crazy UFO hunter being the leprechaun who started the whole thing. However, we're not sure we're ready to buy that leprechauns are the crossroads demons of the fae.
We loved that a Redcap was stalking Dean. If you know your fairy lore (and of course we do), you know that these guys are bad-ass enforcers that shouldn't be crossed.
We also liked how Sam was able to improvise, spilling the salt to distract the leprechaun long enough to complete the banishing incantation.
Being able to pronounce Latin is one thing, but being able to pronounce Gaelic? Impressive!
Were we the only ones thinking that the writers really seem to enjoy poking the bear this season? Having Dean yell about fairies -- and having it be justified -- seems like a direct response to criticism among some fans that the guys don't deal well with homosexuality. Or are we over-thinking it?
What's your take on the ep? Talk about it in the comments!
"All my dreams are elaborately choreographed. Aren't yours?"
Marti has some really vivid and well-choreographed Dirty Dancing dreams. Nobody puts Marti in the corner. Not only is the entire Hellcats cheer squad involved but Dan is there and they are kissing and…luckily it’s all a dream. But she’s still disturbed by it when she wakes and she tells Lewis that she was having a bad dream.
Vanessa misses Derek. He’s too busy to bother with her because he’s so busy working. Looks like Red’s scheme is working out just as planned. Later, Red just happens to be there when she needs a coffee and a little conversation—she even confides in him that she and Derek are fighting. They get a little playful and even almost end up kissing but she tosses him out of her office before it happens.
As it turns out, Derek is taking dance lessons from the cheerleaders and he’s the whitest black man ever. And it’s all part of a big setup for Derek’s big, extravagant popping of the question, complete with dancing cheerleaders and plenty of pelvic thrusting. He ends up bustin’ a pretty good move before he gets down on his knee and proposes. Naturally, Vanessa says yes but that night she dreams of Red.
Nudie pictures of Alice are making the rounds on campus. She sent six very sexy photos to Jake but his story is that someone stole his phone. Turns out that Damian, a fellow football player, took Jake’s phone and sent out the photos and because he’s a big football star no one will do anything about it.
Luckily, fellow cheerleader Darwin knows a little fact about Damian. He tells Alice that Damian is gay and she’s ready to out him. She wants to punish him but everyone talks her out of it—instead, Vanessa and Red convince her not to ruin the guy’s career. They tell her to enjoy some frontier justice. Alice and Darwin confront him with what they know and trade their silence for a few favors. He’ll be the model in the nude figure studies class and take other women’s studies classes that are sure to enlighten him. And a deal is struck.
A very John Grisham moment
You can’t pull anything over on Julian…for too long. Mr. Overton is complaining that Marti and Morgan have harassed him and he is considering legal action against the school so Julian kicks Marti and Morgan off the three strikes project for sneaking around behind his back. Marti can’t risk visiting Travis again. But she does anyway and of course, Julian catches her. But in a surprising move, Travis fires Julian and hires Marti. Too bad she’s not a real lawyer. And then Marti drops Julian's class because she thinks he’s lost the lawyerly faith. Luckily, he has an “a ha” moment and realizes that he’s been putting results ahead of justice and he lets Marti and Morgan stay on the team.
Sleepless in Memphis
Dan can’t get over the whole make out sesh with Marti even though she wants to just move on. And after all kinds of ruminating Dan tells Savannah that he needs some space and that she deserves someone far better than he. He may be trying to do the right thing here but did he really have to wake the girl up at the crack of dawn and pull her out of bed to break up with her?
America's Next Top Model: We go from four to the final two
Don't cry, Chelsey - you've got one more chance to beat Ann!
This week we’ll cut the number of America's Next Top Model contestants in half and two models will be sent home, but not before we pay a visit to Vogue Italia, catch André Leon Talley in what could be the worst getup in ANTM history, and gaze at some pretty cool renaissance art.
And the Oscar goes to…
Okay, none of the final four will ever have to worry about making their Oscar acceptance, but we find it strange that so much emphasis is being put on personality when there clearly is such a lack of it in the first place. Acting coach Barbara Terrinoni arrives on the scene in order to help show the girls more expression and emotion and “be a lions” on stage.
Read on for motion editorials, ridiculous outfits, and the world's most boring vodka party.
Their acting lesson is an important one, one that will prepare them to meet the most important person ever to appear on ANTM. The girls are taken to Vogue Italia and they walk into the office of Franca Sozzani, the Editor-in-Chief of Vogue Italia. André is there too, dressed like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, but with a sparkly cape and weird, stormtrooper hat. How is THAT not Drek, eh, dude? André watches the meetings from the sidelines. Kayla is nervous but not a disaster. Chelsey talks the woman’s ear off but presents herself professionally. Ann tries to come out of her shell but still ends up saying very little and Jane is pretty much forgettable.
The winner of the challenge will accompany André to a private viewing of the original portrait of The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci and she’ll get to choose bring a friend to bring with her. Chelsey wins and brings Kayla with her. At the viewing, Chelsey is moved to tears but Kayla can’t be bothered.
Back at the apartment, Ann and Jane have their own Last Supper party with vodka. The saddest part is that even drunk those two aren’t any fun.
Where for art thou, talent?
Verona is the setting for Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet and it’s where this week’s shoot is to take place as well. And you can bet there will be drama. This time it’s not going to be just a still shoot, Tyra will be directing the models in a motion editorial. And it’s announced that two contestants will be going home at the next panel. Pressure!
While it seemed like it was going to be more difficult than your average shoot, the models did pretty well. Ann moved well and looked comfortable—they loved the head snap but we didn’t see it. Jane got into it and looked beautiful. Kayla showed who she was and Chelsey did great.
Two for the price of one
At panel they show the raw footage of each shoot and it’s easy to see which girls did the best. Chelsey shows diversity in her shoot. The camera loves Jane but she isn’t fluid. Ann is so unique and the judges continue to gush over her. We personally think she looks like she could use to eat a burger—but after what we’ve already seen, she probably eats burgers and whatever else she wants and is still rail thin. Kayla is realistic and photogenic but she needs to watch her angles.
It’s clear that all of the girls have come so far but two must be sent home tonight. We’re kind of shocked when Ann is selected first. After a painfully long rundown of the remaining contestant’s skill sets, Chelsey is finally, finally selected second. Tyra explains that Kayla needs to figure out how to work the angles of her face and Jane needs to get herself a personality. We’re so confused about how they continue to nail Jane for lacking a personality when it appears that talking to Ann is like carrying on a conversation with a wax houseplant.
What did you think about the judges’ ruling? Do you think that Kayla and Jane deserved to be sent home? Tell us in the comments.
"You should see what I can do on top of the piano..."
We seem to be getting to the bottom of Lux's problems in school on Life Unexpected this week, but not her problems with telling the truth. Seriously, girl. You need to just fess up if you were abused.
We also get to see Tasha in an adorable homecoming ensemble and Lux in a not-so-adorable homecoming ensemble. Plus, a Jordan Catalano doppelganger!
Sometimes, it actually helps to date a teacher
Due to Daniels' singular interest in Lux, he gets to the bottom of her learning disability, dysgraphia. Since it can be caused by brain damage, Lux, Baze and Cate troop over to the hospital where Lux gets an MRI and we learn that she had a stroke as a child. Apparently, this happened due to the coupling of Lux's heart condition and some kind of severe injury. When the doctor asks Lux if she can remember getting any particularly bad knocks or bumps in junior high, Lux puts on her terrible lie-face and says no. Should Baze and Cate be able to recognize this face by now?
Read on for high school dance weed breaks and general aggravated assault after the jump.
Keeping secrets must be genetic
Despite his help on the learning front, one of the many areas in which Daniels cannot be there for Lux is at homecoming, so the couple plans a date at Tasha's that Lux will sneak out to during the dance. Daniels tries to homecoming-it-up with balloons and streamers, which is pretty darn adorable.
Meanwhile, Cate is still suspicious of Lux's response at the clinic and asks Tasha whether she knows anything. She doesn't, but she thinks her old foster mother Valerie might, and hands Cate the address. Looks like Cate is going to be putting on her investigator hat.
Bringing home the bacon
With a whole new slew of bills coming in from Lux's diagnosis and treatment, Baze decides to kick his career up a notch. He suggests going to a benefit with Emma that's being thrown by a potential client. Emma has been chasing this woman's trust fund for years without success, but Baze is convinced he'll triumph where Emma has failed. The one snag in the plan is Sam, Emma's charming son, who cannot be left alone in any home that regularly keeps pharmaceuticals on hand. Since Lux is going to homecoming alone, Baze shoves Sam on her and takes off for the benefit, and Lux's date with Daniels is off.
At the benefit, Baze charms the wild child heiress Candy with his Vanilla Ice piano stylings and flirtatious ways, much to the chagrin of Emma. BTW, are we the only ones who see an uncanny resemblance between Candy and Maryann from "True Blood"? Weird.
Anyway, Baze's whorish ways win the day as well as Emma's ire, and the two end up having a falling out at the benefit. Really professional, guys.
You can't handle the truth
Cate shows up at Valerie's door asking questions about Lux's injuries and doesn't like the response she gets. She learns about Lux and Tasha tagging Valerie's house, Lux and Valerie's previous close relationship and that Lux hit Valerie's husband. According to Val, Lux was a violent young girl, and now, at least to Cate, a compulsive liar too.
As if to add icing to that cake, Cate gets a call from the school: Lux and Sam are in trouble.
Jordan Catalano was a lot of trouble, too.
Lux has her hands full trying to keep Sam from going off the deep end at the dance and spying into her frequent calls from Daniels (code name: Minnesota), but fails miserably when he scores some pot. As soon as Lux snatches the joint to throw it away, the principal spots the two and calls Cate to pick up her daughter.
Shaken from her meeting with Valerie, Cate tells Sam to wait in the car and confronts Lux about her past. She doesn't believe Valerie, Cate says, she just doesn't know who to believe. Then, in typical CW teenager fashion, Lux makes no attempt at explaining herself and storms out to the car. On the way, she tweaks out on Tasha for spilling the beans and drives off in a rage, Tasha and Sam in tow.
You can't go home again
Lux drives immediately over to Valerie's to confront her about her little interview with Cate. But things take a scary turn when Valerie's husband comes storming out of the house and grabs Lux by the hair. Tasha reacts without thinking and whacks him over the head with a shovel, and the teens drive off into the night, terrified. Confusion and screaming ensues, Lux crashes Cate's car, and calls Ryan for help, proving that nothing is more dangerous than an emotional teenager (Hey, those Allstate commercials are right!). He comes to pick up his semi-adopted daughter and we're in love with perfect Ryan all over again.
Back home, Cate demands an answer from Lux, who is in no fit mood to give one. But Sam unexpectedly chimes in, saying he stole the car and it was all his fault. Wow, Lil' Catalano's got a bit of a chivalrous streak! Either that, or he wants something to hang over Lux's head. If it's the latter, he need'nt have bothered -- he gets another little nugget when he transfers to Lux's school and finds out Daniels is from Minnesota, and is therefore Lux's secret boyfriend. That knowing smile is going to cost you, Lux.
What did y'all think? Is Sam going to be a good or bad addition to the Life Unexpected crowd? Should Lux just have come clean? Wish you could play "Ice, Ice Baby" on a baby grand? Comment away!
Notes n' Quotes
Baze: You know the term buck-naked? I always write down butt-naked. Which is actually true, butts are naked.
Baze: She has more money than god. I Wikipedia-ed it, "More money than god."
Cate: Lux, that dress is adorable. It's totally high school.
Lux: I'm changing.
Lux: Well, I guess we'll just have to make the best out of it.
Sam: Agreed. Mind if I peruse your mom's medicine cabinet?
Well, it was only a matter of time before poor Schue was subjected to more visits from Terri (You can't get rid of Jessalyn Gilsig that easily. She's too amazing).In fact, we were so happy to see her that we forgot all about La Paltrow's cameo on this week's Glee until she dead-panned across the voiceover. Which was actually amazing.
Full disclosure: We do not now, nor have we ever liked Gwynnie that much. For further explanation watch "Spain: On the Road" or read GOOP. But we will do our best to be impartial.
With McKinley High on flu-alert Sue has become the interim principal. Oh, and she doesn't like Schue anymore.
There's no more virulent disease than a crazy ex-wife
With Will stuck at home with no wifey to care for him, Terri comes over to vapo-rub his back, take his temperature in disturbingly intimate places and play "sick baby," which has now made us sick with that creepy baby voice. It's clear Will doesn't want her back, but since Terri can pretty much smell vulnerability, she keeps circling, waiting for Will to drop. Then she makes the mistake that too many women make in life: Trying to get a man back with sex. Which, thankfully for Schue's sanity, fails.
Read on for the antics of Ms. Holly Holiday and proof that tater tots were sent down directly from the heavens to bless humanity with their greasy, golden goodness, after the jump.
Learning is FUN-damental!
We've been anxiously awaiting what eccentric character Ryan Murphy would pour Gwynnie into, and now we know: Holly Holiday, one of those teachers that tries to make learning cool. We do have to say, we'll never mentally erase the image of her as Mary Todd Lincoln, so...success? Due to her I'm-down-with-the-cool-kids vibe and amazing rendition of Conjunction Junction, Kurt recruits her to cover for Schue as glee club director. The gleeks love her loose style compared to Schue's set list micro-management (those little asides about Journey were knee-slappers), except for Rachel, who can never quite seem to let go.
In any case we get one of our favorite new tunes as means of introduction with Cee-Lo's "Forget You." We do miss the original adult language and are pretty sure Holly flashed the glee club a little when she was sitting on the piano, but this number was pretty great. What was even more great? Holly telling Rachel she sucked. Because let's face it, a lot of the time, she does.
Throw-backs have never been quite so...thrown back
Despite Holly's affinity for modernity, we got some rather old material on Glee this week. Schue dreams about performing "Make 'Em Laugh" with Mike Chang, which was disjointed, but adorable in it's own right. Did Will really do that back-flip? We'd like to think so. We're mostly just happy for finally wading into Singin' In The Rain territory. That musical is incredible and deserves some attention on a series about show-choir.
Meanwhile, Holly is trying to embrace what the kids want to do in glee club, and it seems Rachel's dearest wish is to sing "Nowadays" from Chicago. Um, shenanigans. Rachel's dream pick would NEVER be a duet.
The number could have used a little more oomph, but we really want one of those fur-trim coats (Not to wear out, just to swan around our apartment). Again, this is another musical we're happy Glee has tapped.
Despite the older material, the Glee kids are happy for some change and it seems, so is Sue. When Schue comes to check in on the club at Rachel's bidding he finds an unsympathetic Holly has usurped him and he's ousted at McKinley...permanently.
I need someone to talk to, just not you
Mercedes is feeling a bit left out in the cold as Kurt gets closer to Blaine. Kurt says he needs someone to talk to that has been through the same struggles and Mercedes tries to understand, but instead funnels her frustration into a cause. Principal Sue has banned tater tots and all manner of unhealthy foods in a powerful stroke that would put Jamie Oliver to shame. And since Mercedes needs those delicious tots to drown her feelings, she stages a protest. TOTS FOR ALL!
This takes a dangerous turn when Holly encourages Mercedes in her plan to plug the exhaust of Sue's Le Car with tots (By the way, we checked -- the Le Car is completely real. And it is ugly). However, since Sue is now the commander in chief of McKinley High, she has the power to suspend Mercedes, which she does.
That was fun, but...
After Mercedes gets into serious trouble, Holly starts to feel that while she tries her best to get kids to learn, she's not the best teacher. She goes to Will for advice, despite the fact that she just swiped his job, and gets the typical Schue sympathy. He's such a softy.
When Terri walks in to check on Will and possibly wheedle more sex out of him, she reverts to her old jealous ways and tries to drive Holly off. Instead, Will unceremoniously kicks Terri out, but not before she threatens him with a truly disturbing "You'll regret this."
In the end, Holly goes back to being an ordinary substitute. Will tries to instill some much-needed appreciation for Singin' In The Rain in the gleeks, but it seems golden-age MGM is beyond their comprehension. So Schue calls on Holly for one last encore with a "Singin' In The Rain/Umbrella" mash up that was visually stunning and a great musical revisiting for Broadway alum Matthew Morrison.
So, we do have to say that we loved Paltrow's clueless-yet-cool substitute teacher portrayal. While she isn't the most musically gifted guest to cross the Glee threshold, her acting was spot-on and her very-good-but-not-great voice made her character all the more believable. And believability is something this show sometimes forgets.
What did you guys think? Will you miss Holly Holiday? Will Mercedes get a boyfriend? Is your skin still crawling from the Terri/Schue sex? Comment!
Notes n' Quotes
Sue: A particularly virulent strain of monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud bisexual primates not unlike your very glee club.
Schue: I thought we were friends.
Sue: That got boring.
Mini-Santana: Lookin' good Puckerman, someone's been eatin' their Wheaties.
Mini-Puck: These guns are fully loaded!
Kurt: You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.
Finn: Puck, what are you doing?
Puck: Kurt got us a substitute so I'm buttering the floor.
Holiday: Should we toke up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish...
Puck: Mr. Schue can we do that new Cee-Lo song Forget You?
Schue: Uuuuuhh, no. C'mon guys there's got to be a Journey song we haven't done yet!
Sue: Becky, take a memo. I'm banning po-tater-tots.
Sue: "Hoarders" is great but...
Paltrow: "Animal Hoarders" is bettah!
Brittany: They look like deep-fried deer poo.
Sue: Like Richard Nixon, I'm obliged to tell you this conversation is being recorded.
Sue: When I showed this to Brittany earlier she started to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of Gummi Bears lived.
Holiday: Rachel, you suck! Oh my god you are such a drag, has anyone ever told you that?
Puck: I have.
Holiday: I used to be just like you trying to be so right, hanging on so tight.
Rachel: What happened?
Holiday: I got punched in the face.
Mercedes: Coach Sylvester is only serving pre-digested food now to give us more energy. Do I look like a damn baby bird?
Sue: Go home, rest, watch some TV, die -- doesn't matter.
Kurt: Oh my god I opened my mouth and a little purse falls out!
Holiday: I wanted to do this in person and I heard you have expensive beer.
Holiday: Hi, I'm Holly Holiday.
Terri: Are you a porn star or a drag queen?
Kurt: You're going to get thrown in prison!
Mercedes: So? You know what they have in prison? Tots!
Sue: You make the underflaps of my breasts burn.
Brittany: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped at M and N. I thought they were too similar and got frustrated.
Sue: I suggest you start selling yourself on Craigslist under the heading of "Men seeking men with butt-chins."
Holiday: Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay and I'm bipolar which makes me yell things like "That teapot is spreading lies about me!" or "That can't be my baby because I don't love it!"
Santana's Latina explosion when Rachel tries to assume the Glee throne was incredible.
This has to have been one of the most expensive episodes ever. Let's tally: Gwyneth Paltrow as a guest + a really huge light installation for the Chicago Number + an on-stage rain machine = a lot of friggin' money.
Mercedes' internal characterization of Kurt and Blaine's dinner conversation was hysterical: "Gay, gay gay gay, gay. Gay, gay gay!"
The Lil' Gleeks were adorable. We want to take Mini-Mercedes home.
Can you picture any of these people binging on turkey and stuffing?
One Tree Hill reminded us that we have plenty of reasons to be thankful this week: Chiefly, no matter how fraught our family Thanksgivings may be, they won't be half as crazed that the one that Naley, Brulian and the rest lived through this year.
Everyone seems to be planning a lavish T-day this year -- Haley has cooked enough for an army, Brooke is working her butt off in the kitchen, and even Skills has ordered a farm-fresh organic bird for the table. Unfortunately, only Haley's plans work out. Brooke's turkey sets off the smoke alarm, so Mama Baker douses it with a fire extinguisher. Skills' farm-fresh turkey is still alive. Oops!
So everyone (with one exception) repairs to Stately James-Scott Manor for the festivities. In addition to Brooke, Julian, Sylvia and Skills, Naley and son play host to Mouth, Millie, Mia, Alex, Erin, Clay, Quinn, and, oh yeah, Victoria, who apparently completed her prison sentence on Turkey Day. Good thing Stately James Scott Manor is so freaking huge, because it's one heck of a full house!
Read on for more holiday hijinks after the jump!
Breaking bread -- and bones
The group takes up traditional Thanksgiving activities, like stealing bits of food, playing increasingly violent games of football, sniping at each other, and making the foreign guest say things with her cool accent. (That's not traditional in your house? Huh.) Mia and Alex start fighting during the football game and need to be separated. Brooke greets Victoria's appearance with horror, and takes to chugging wine straight from the bottle to deal with the pain. Victoria and Sylvia get their drink on, while Skills hits on Sylvia. Jamie fishes for info on Erin, and she actually sort of tells him some stuff (but she refuses to say "turducken" with an Irish accent. Curses!)
The only bright spot: Quinn returns from her safari and gets Clay to take her home, so they avoid all the angstiness in favor of getting reacquainted, naked-style. Wise choice, guys! Also, Chase is the sole member of the group not at Naley's -- he keeps the bar open for lost souls who have no where else to go, but he's apparently the only lost soul. He takes to tequila, which sort of sounds like turkey, so… yay?
The reason for the season
After some uncomfortable and/or ugly scenes, Haley gives an impromptu speech about reasons to be thankful -- they're surrounded by friends, living their dreams, and no one else's mom has died, so what do they have to complain about?
We wish that was enough to get people acting like rational adults, but Alex and Mia's crazy keeps on coming. When they fight over a pie as a proxy for Chase, Julian finally says what we've been thinking: "Seriously!?!" Then he laughs and laughs. Hah! Plus, he's got the answer to who Chase prefers -- on tape, no less! The girls settle in to watch, but surprise! Chase pulls a Donna Martin and chooses himself -- both girls did him wrong, so he needs to be alone for a while.
Sylvia admits that she's the one who invited Victoria -- she thought that Brooke would want to be with her mom, and that Victoria would want to be with her daughter. Nope! Bitchtoria's still bitter about Brooke giving everything away, and she seems to be incapable for admitting that she was wrong. Brooke isn't ready to let things go either, and she tells Sylvia that maybe she shouldn't spend so much time trying to fix things and make everyone happy. She produced Julian, and that's happiness enough for everyone, right?
We're thankful for plot points
Clay tells Nathan that in order to be an official agent and get the Official Agent Decoder Ring (or something), Nathan needs to take a test (true) get licensed (also true) and submit his transcript as proof that he has a college degree (not so much). Nathan freaks, because he never graduated, and he was never good at school. We sense a wacky Community College subplot coming on!
Erin confesses to Haley that she's not in touch with her parents at all because they didn't believe in her music and tried to crush her dreams. Haley tells Erin they'll have to prove them wrong.
Quinn's extended safari apparently went stateside for a while, and she was stalking a different kind of dangerous animal. In addition to pictures of zebras and elephants, she's got a whole bunch of shots of StalKatie in her natural habitat. Looks like the Stalker has become the Stalkee!
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Quinn seems much happier after her African sojourn, and hey, who wouldn't be refreshed after a nice safari? However, we're slightly confused about why she just doesn't swear out a complaint against Katie and get her arrested, rather than stalk her. That can't end well.
Mama Baker needs to back off on the apple crisp criticism. If she doesn't like it, she can cook her own damn pie!
We're slightly appalled on Haley's behalf that everyone just assumed they could drop in on a major holiday and invite their friends as well. Meals like this take planning, and it's seriously rude to just show up, even if your friend is apparently a domestic goddess!
And for future reference, if you ARE going to crash someone's T-day, call first to see what they need. Otherwise, you end up with approximately 18 different jello salads.
Thanks to Mama Baker, we now know that when "a lady gets out of the big house, she deserves a big glass of Riesling." Now we know the perfect "Congrats on getting out of jail" gift!
Of course Victoria and Sylvia bond. They both disapprove of Brooke, they both enjoy the finer things in life, they both drink like fish….
Julian's Thanksgiving gift to everyone is a day free of filming. There was much rejoicing.
Our favorite exchange of the episode: Haley: I'm thankful I have more wine in the kitchen. I'll go get some! Nathan: I'm thankful my wife needs help. Julian Please come back!
Our second favorite exchange: Julian: They're fighting over a pie? Brooke: They're fighting over Chase. Julian: [Laughing] Seriously? Haley: The pie made more sense, right?
And our third favorite exchange: Brooke: I'm thankful you're such a good friend. Haley: I'm thankful I got to watch you chug wine out of a bottle. Classy!
What did you think? Did this episode satisfy you like a juicy turkey dinner, or disappoint you like an overcooked bird? Talk about it in the comments!
"Don't worry, babe, I believe you that they're not extensions..."
This week's events on 90210 have taught us yet another valuable lesson: One good turn deserves a slap across the face. Despite Navid's honorable intentions, his big mouth landed Papa Shirazi in the hot seat with the Feds, resulting in his departure for Iran. Meanwhile, Teddy is testing the waters of gay culture and finding it a bit too hot for his liking.
Annie, Naomi and Charlie
Annie finally meets Charlie's roommates (in his IMMACULATE house. We live in a one bedroom walk-up and we have real jobs. Life is unfair), one of which turns out to be his ex. The two banter like Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, so naturally Annie is feeling a little threatened. When she tells Naomi about how she's feeling, Naomi's predicable yet nonetheless hilarious response is to have sex. Lots and lots of sex. With crotchless panties. Or edible ones. And pasties (which we really don't understand, but this is perhaps not the best venue to discuss the appropriateness of boob stickers during intercourse).
Annie finally agrees about the sex part, and strips down to her skivvies in Charlie's bathroom when they're having a quiet evening in. When she jumps out, however, she finds they're not alone. The entire house is home, including Charlie's ex. After shrieking and running back into the bathroom, Annie admits later that she was feeling uncomfortable about the ex and Charlie says they should share everything if they're in a relationship. To kick off the sharing, Charlie confesses is that his scar is from his and Liam's abusive uncle, who was a "mean drunk." We take back that part about life being unfair.
Annie is glad to know the truth and the two seem closer than ever. (Obligatory Man In The Room: "Aaaaaaaaaand, sex." ). We're actually starting to get on board with this relationship, mostly due to the lack of Shakespeare and French, which is frankly just nauseating.
Read on for gay bars and the consequences of single dad-dom after the jump.
Teddy and the boys (take that to mean whatever you want)
Dixon, Liam and Navid are a little stand-offish with their pal Teddy due to his attempt to drive home stoned, but Teddy is quick with an apology and the guys forgive and forget. But ol' playboy Teddy is still not quite himself, evidenced by the dismissive attitude towards a hot waitress at the clubhouse who is throwing out more signals than an MLB catcher. Clearly distracted, Teddy leaves his pals and heads for a bar with a very vibrant rainbow-colored flag in the window. Truth be told, it's a very ordinary and low-key bar, and Teddy is more or less left alone. When someone finally tries to strike up a conversation, Teddy spooks and asks for the check. One problem -- he left his wallet at the clubhouse. Since he doesn't want the guys to know his little secret he calls the only person in on his sexual preferences, Ian.
Ian spots Teddy the cash and offers him some advice: If Teddy has been experiencing these feelings for a while, chances are they're not going anywhere. Unfortunately, this isn't what Teddy wants to hear, and he bids Ian a hasty good night.
Debbie, Matthews and Jack
With mother-of-the-year Jen out of the picture, Debbie is helping Matthews find a decent nanny for Jack. They hire a grand-standing girl who gives a lengthy speech on the honor of being a nanny, and then dumps Jack on Matthews in the middle of class to audition for CSI. Lesson number one in raising a child in Hollywood: Don't trust actresses.
Debbie comes to the rescue so Matthews can finish up at school, and invites him to stay for dinner when he comes to pick up Jack. Debbie's bolognese, loneliness and what was probably a hefty sexual drought leads to some counter-top making out and then...well, you know.
Navid, Ade and Silver
Things are worse than ever at the Shirazi manor. Navid's counselor has gone to the principal, who in turn has alerted the authorities regarding Mr. Shirazi's hiring practices, and his business is now under investigation. Naturally, Navid is a little upset by the news, and Ade is no help whatsoever. Instead of listening to Navid's problems, she prances off to an interview with Ryan Seacrest with a promise of dinner the next day. Seacrest may have his own show, but c'mon, Navid is much cuter.
When Navid goes to apologize to his father he doesn't get the forgiveness he'd hoped for. Instead, Mr. Shirazi is pinning all the family's troubles on Navid, despite the fact that he's one who is technically a child pornographer. Meanwhile, Navid and Silver are trying to weed through the confusing sexual tension from the previous episode, and come to the conclusion that all friends at one point or another almost kiss. Um, no. This is not "When Harry Met Sally." Not every guy/girl friendship is meant to end in attraction. That's either just you, or your raging teenage hormones.
The two over-achievers get pushed even closer after Ade once again neglects her boyfriend. When she meets her publicist and stylist and some other hanger-on at their dinner date, she puts up no resistance to their offer to join them, and Navid is subjected to a conversation where every other word is "fabulous" and no mention is made of his family problems. When Navid gets a text from his mother he leaves Ade with her fabulous friends and goes home to see what's up. What's up is his father has fled the country. Possibly indefinitely. With no one left to talk to, Navid shows up at Silver's in the middle of the night. Let's just hope this doesn't end in pity sex.
What did you guys think of the episode? Is Mr. Shirazi getting what he deserves? Will Annie and Dixon be facing the possibility of having a teacher for a stepfather? Are you equally disturbed by Naomi's pasties suggestion? To the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Ivy: Just so you guys know, I'm not really big on...tanning...
Ade: Me neither. I'm not supposed to freckle.
Navid: I paid for your dinner! Bam!
Dixon: That was to repay me for updating your lame-ass music collection. Bam.
Navid: Whatever. I don't care.
Ryan: What happened to "Whether rain nor sleet nor gloom of night?"
Nanny: It's for "CSI: Miami."
Naomi: He's a college guy, if you want to lock him down you have to give him the key! ...to your...
Annie: I got it!
Liam: Sometimes hot girls go for ugly guys so they can have the upper hand.
Dixon: Look who's funny today.
Annie: Where's the underwear part?
Naomi: They're crotchless!
Naomi: Mrs. W! Hey, those aren't awful shoes!
Naomi: Oh, it looks like you've got a little spit-up on your shirt. No...that's just the pattern...
"I'm getting OPI's 'Lincoln Park After Dark.' I suggest you choose a complementing shade for our date."
Juliet knows no bounds when it comes to taking Serena down. She’s not above lying, stealing, cheating or kidnapping to get what she wants. On this week’s episode of Gossip Girl Juliet enlisted the help of Vanessa and Jenny to accomplish her mission of getting Serena expelled from Columbia, alienated from her friends and family and physically helpless in the face of great danger. We don’t know what Juliet plans on doing with a drugged and unconscious Serena, but let’s just hope she doesn’t plan on sticking her in a hole in her floor and fattening her up. Even her cohorts in this evil plan seem unaware of just how far Juliet is willing to go. It’s all fun and games when it comes to pitting Dan and Nate against each other to win Serena’s affections, but true destruction takes someone who’s off their rocker, and Juliet fits the bill. We’re often critical of Serena, but this utter and complete annihilation at the hands of her so-called friends made us nauseous. Here are some other thoughts:
Best bromance: It’s so cute how Dan and Nate miss each other. Boys, never let a woman come between such an exquisite friendship.
Best academic lesson: Who knew those Venn diagrams would come in handy for real-life affairs of the heart? One of these days everyone is going to realize Eric is the smartest of the bunch and take him more seriously.
Best liar: Jenny looks Lily straight in the face and pretends like she’s not part of the plot to destroy Serena. Has she no shame?
Best accessory: Juliet’s giant corkboard of destruction. Even Vanessa commented on the serial killer connotations of the display. Juliet was pitch perfect in answering, “I just like visual aids.”
Best aphrodisiac: A masquerade ball. Something about donning a mask and attending a party incognito just makes everyone want to twist tongues.
The scheming continues after the jump.
Biggest double standard: Nate’s mother basically declares Blair a harlot for attending the same party her son is a guest at and for dating the same man her son calls his best friend. It’s a man’s world.
Most pathetic: Vanessa seems out of place in the trifecta of evil. Her character isn’t cut out for this level of malice and we pity her.
Most useless character: Instead of checking in on his children, Rufus spends his days as a kept man cooking.
Worst insult: Serena tells Eric he’s just not enough when it comes to proving her self-worth. Ouch!
Best celebrity comparison: Chuck using Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as models of a powerful, successful couple he and Blair could emulate.
Chuck uttered those three little words in the throes of passion that every girl desires to hear and in a surprising twist, not only did he mean them, but he actually admitted the truth to Blair. Unfortunately for these two star-crossed lovers, Blair feels she needs to prove herself to the world first before she can stand by her man. What do you think? Is Blair smart to walk away from Chuck or just crazy?
Smallville: Check your parental baggage at the door
"So what if I stole it from Krueger? For chrissake, Hollywood is on the fourth Spider-Man flick in nine years, I'm hardly the worst offender.
We think this is the fastest Smallville has ever moved. No seriously. With this being the final season, gone are the weeks of prolonged waiting for the right words to be said. Now it's full speed ahead trying to tie up loose ends and unanswered questions. We go from Clark coming out of the closet one week, Lois and Clark consummating the relationship the other, and Clark meeting the parents last week. This week we're at the "Lois and Clark move in together" part, with a dose of nostalgia thrown in for good measure.
Lois comes across a series of VHS tapes that her mother pre-recorded during her five weeks in the hospital before she died. Teri Hatcher, aka Lois's mom, gives her sage advice from the grave (don't let my absence in your life influence your life) and Lois has a good cry in the process. The problem here is that this Hallmark moment sends Lois on a trek all her own to bridge the divide between Clark and Jor-El. Because, according to Lois, she and Smallville can't move on with their relationship until he resolves his daddy issues. That's right. It's not enough that Clark resolved his concerns with his adoptive father, now he needs to do it with his biological papa. As Watson to Clark's Sherlock Holmes (her words people), Lois wants to create a thaw in the Cold War between Clark and his dad. So of course that means heading to the Fortress of Solitude on her own to confront a virtual, nonexistent father figure. And she finds the key to the supercave in seconds flat. Great. Lex, Tess, and countless others have looked for the key, but Lois finds it in moments. The Scooby mojo is strong in this one.
So Lois gets to the Fortress of Solitude and has a one-on-one with Jor-El, telling him his absence is hindering Clark's potential as a hero. Jor-El is not hearing any of that. Lois must be taught a lesson and is zapped with a blue beam. It's not until Clark comes to her rescue that she is released and Clark sees the virtual voicemail his folks left for him before they sent him away from Krypton. Mom and Dad El admit they sent him to Earth with all their knowledge, and none of their ego or regrets. Here's the moment we all have been waiting for, Jor-El admits he's never lost faith in him, even among all the trials he put him through. Both 'rents tell Clark they are confident that he will become Earth's greatest savior. How did Clark not see this message before now? This sounds a lot like the message he would have heard in his tiny spaceship as a baby. I guess we're not supposed to think about that.
Instead we're supposed to be focused on the backstory of Tess Mercer. Come to find out she's really Lutessa Lena Luthor (alliteration much?) Yes, folks, Tess is the bastard child of Lionel and sister to Lex (which is a little odd, because didn’t she try to date Lex at one point? Correct me if I'm wrong, fair readers). In any case, Tess is having nightmares of being tortured while in a home for children. She tries to run away, but keeps being pulled back in. Tess thinks it's all just a dream, until she wakes up to find a music box in the mansion, playing a familiar tune from her night visions. It's a birthday gift from the matron of the orphanage in which Tess was raised, a sort of calling card sent to call Tess home to the St. Louise Orphanage to fulfill her destiny as an integral part of a sleeper cell led by Granny Goodness. Yes, Granny is an old-school freak who gets her jollies from wiping out the memories of her wards in a painful way. She warps their past, so she can mold their future as leaders and tough-as-nails powerful women. Granny holds these children hostage for brainwashing purposes thanks to her telekinetic powers. Young choir members of the orphanage eventually grow up to be Amazon warriors who fight with meteor rock weapons. It’s like "Misery" meets Wonder Woman's twisted sisters who are dressed like Lara Croft meets Mad Max with a Freddy Krueger glove. (There are no original ideas out there, people…)
Anywho, Tess discovers she's Goodness's favorite. And as such, she will be the most valuable, powerful soldier who will help her team, whether she wants to or not. Which team we're not privy to yet, but at least now we don't have to wonder why Tess is so messed up. She never had a chance with a childhood like this. Meanwhile, in the basement, Clark is being tortured by Granny pants herself. She lays hands on him and threatens to take away his memories, but Clark breaks free and saves Tess from a hanging death. All in a day's work. Come to find out Granny Goodness is a part of an unholy trinity serving Darksied--Granny clears their minds, another breaks their spirits and still another minion binds their bodies. Between Checkmate, The Darkness, young Lex 2.0, Tess discovering she's a Luthor, Rick Flag tagging superheroes, Chloe gone and Green Arrow on the lam, I don't know what problem is more pressing. But I guess we'll find that out before it all comes to an end. Maybe next week at this rate! Either way, we now know that Clark will be popping the question soon, so we're getting closer to Valhalla. Did I predict it, or did I predict it? Can't wait!
Janine and I narrowly avoid coming to blows when she utters the unthinkable in our Glee podcast. How can you be tired of Kurt, I ask you? HOW? Once that particular situation is defused, we talk about Puck's return, Artie's offer, Beiste's own heartbreak, and yes, Kurt's first kiss. Oh, the heartbreak! Ryan Murphy, you totally Kripke'd us! Plus, we discuss making Katie Perry palatable, Puck's way with the ladies, Mike's emerging awesomeness, and the impending arrival of Gwyneth.
The One Tree Hill cast is speaking words of wisdom this week... well, except for Chase, who is still dithering about Alex vs. Mia. It's gotten to the point where even his friends can't pretend to care anymore. Chase, sweetie -- they're both out of your league. Move on!
Fortunately, Nathan, Haley, Julian and Mouth all have some pretty impressive things to say, some lessons that we coud all stand to learn. And Brooke may not be dispensing zen koans, but she is dispensing a much-needed smackdown to Sylvia, which, in our minds, is better. Plus, there are water balloons! And Jamie deals with braces. So that's where he was last week!
I've got to level with you here: We kind of go off the rails at the end of this Gossip Girl podcast. I blame the episode, which made so little sense that transitioning into talk of ligers and Bob Dylan clones and pretty dresses in Antarctica was almost inevitable. OK, not inevitable, but not that insane.
ANYway. Vanessa and Juliet go completely bonkers and lust for revenge against Serena, for no reason that we can fathom. Nate and Dan are tormented about Serena again, for no reason that we can fathom. Chuck and Blair indulge in lots of dirty hate sex, for no reason... ok, that part we understand. Also, Rufus makes far too many waffles. Remember when Rufus used to be fun and do things? Sigh.