An inanimate object attacked my dog as he slept Saturday night.

I'm not sure how, or why, but sometime around midnight Ace, who is about 120 pounds, got tangled up with a chest of drawers weighing at least that much.

I was dozing off to a Saturday Night Live repeat downstairs, when I heard the commotion -- a bang, then the sound of furniture being dragged, then some smaller slamming sounds.

By the time I got upstairs, Ace was quivering in fear, and the dresser, as well as the mirror that rests on top of it, had been moved a good three feet from the wall. A couple of years worth of change, which had been in a tray on the dresser, was scattered across the floor. Ace was limping as he went downstairs and got into the doorless dog crate that serves as his security blanket.

Upon investigation (of Ace and the dresser), I made the following discoveries. One of the knobs on a lower drawer was bent upward. Ace's bandana, though still around his neck was stretched out. Apparently, Ace, in his sleep, had managed to get the bandana wrapped around the knob, and when he awoke, for whatever reason, he found he couldn't move and panicked. In other words, the dresser started it.

Ace pulled and tugged hard enough to move the dresser and almost topple it. The crashing of the change to the floor must have scared him even more. Either out of fear, or from exerting himself, he projectile pooped, spraying the bedside table, bedspread and sheets as he sought to free himself from the dresser's clutches.

Still coming out of my own grogginess, I grabbed a role of paper towels and a can of what I thought was Pledge to clean up the mess. As I headed upstairs, it was brought to my attention that the yellow can in my hand was actually Raid. I got a more proper cleanser, wiped up the mess, moved the dresser back and then checked Ace again, who was still panting and exuding that sweaty fear odor he emits when scared.

He spent the whole night downstairs, and still hasn't returned to the bedroom, or even the second floor of the house.

The morals of the story: Take your dog's bandana, or collar, if it's loose-fitting, off at night. Replace your dog-level drawer pulls,if they're the kind they can get snagged on. And one more, which can also save you from such embarassing errors as putting Preparation H on your toothbrush or hairspray on your armpits: Make a pledge to always check what you're spraying or squirting before you spray or squirt.