Calling moles "the Taliban of mammals," and describing a campaign of military proportions, "Arthur" of Connecticut is the winner of Sweeney's third annual "I hate moles because ... " essay contest.

In his essay, "Shock and Awe," he writes.

"Hamstrung by local ordinances against gunfire, explosives, exotic carnivores, and illegal uses of electricity and propane gas, occasional thoughts of going "rogue" turned into full time fantasies."

Soon, his wife is spreading "Critter Ridder" on his side of the bed. Neighbors are putting up "For Sale" signs. His lawn becomes a barren waste land.

See how this story ends, and read the runner-up essays.

By the way, "Arthur" earned a $500 gift certificate from Sweeneys.

No word yet on whether it can be used to pay the security deposit on an apartment.