One of the hardest things about sharing my home (and bed) with someone is getting up. I'm a copy editor, so I usually work nights, but I usually try to get up at a reasonable hour during the day to blog for you guys and get other things done.
After living together, however, I noticed a change in his behavior. It became cool, aloof, overly critical. I reacted as any normal woman would, "What did I do wrong?" I began to overanalyze every little thing I did. We began to argue more and more, even though I was trying to "fix" things. I asked him what was wrong? I gave him his space, encouraged him to go out with his buddies. All I asked for was to be treated like he gave a damn. I felt he had changed, he had said he wasn't sure he could handle my personality and habits now we were together 24/7 and he saw "how I lived."But that's one of the points of moving in, right? To test out the waters. To see if you can handle being in each others' space all the time, dealing with their dirty clothes slung all over the place, sharing household chores and realizing that, when your lovely angel is at home in their element, they don't chew food like a regular person -- they're loud and smacky and gross; THEY CHEW LIKE A COW.
I've been talking to dating-site Web geeks all week, so Arm Jerker J's post on Single is the New Relationship seemed particularly timely:My latest match.Would you like to know what he is most thankful for?
PatienceWell that’s nice.For having lovely familyWell isn’t that sweet? But I think he may have meant loving.HelathYes ladies and gents. Helath. Which I can only guess means health.Guess where he likes to spend his leisure time? The library and the book store. Did you just spit out your favorite beverage after reading that? Well I did. I’ve got water all over my keyboard. Pass down the paper towels.
I asked, you gave, I laughed and made a list.
After hours of engaging in a Very Scientific Analysis, I have selected the worst five break-up lines, culled from suggestions brought in by dear readers of BaltAmour. As I compiled this list, the ones that stood out were those that were amazingly cruel or over-the-top.
Without further ado:
It seems we got a little sidetracked on the do-you-like-me note yesterday, myself included, so I'll try again: How can you tell (or find out) if someone likes you?
Let's break it down to verbal and non-verbal signs. Let's tackle non-verbal first.
According to David Givens Ph.D., there are four bits of body language that point to attraction and likeitude:
+ lifted shoulders -- makes the person soft, cute and nonthreatening;
+ turned-in toes -- the body's equivalent of a smile;
+ the palm reveal -- basically, they, well, advertise their vulnerability by showing their palms;
+ the forehead bow -- the typical head tilt and upward look.
I'm not gonna argue with the man, but I think I've probably only done one of those moves (the last one) when I like or have been attracted to someone. Perhaps I've done them subconsciously, but if they're mostly subconscious moves, how will the most dense dolt pick them up? What are some more obvious moves?
I would say that casual touches are a big sign that someone likes you. Granted, if the person is touchy-feely with everyone, that rule is out the window, but if they seem to make a concerted effort to touch your elbow, your shoulder or even play-hit you -- as evidenced by the note, sometimes we do revert back to grade-school tactics -- it's possible they like you.
What do you think?
This week's topic may seem a little elementary for some of you, but I figured it'd be nice to go back to the basics during the rush of the holiday season. (Anyone else not feeling in the spirit yet?)
Long gone are the days of grade school, when you could pass a note or find out through a friend. But that still doesn't mean that connecting with people gets easier when you're older.
So, before the first date, before the kiss, the booty, all of it -- How do you know if someone is interested in you? What are the signs? What are the best ways to do love interest reconnaissance? And what are the best ways to avoid confusing friendly interest for romantic interest?
The holiday season is officially in high gear. The annoying radio stations playing Christmas music 24/7 are on the air, Santa Claus is everywhere you look, and you can't escape commercials for toys, cars and other goodies.
Which brings us to this week's topic: gift-giving.
Money has never been an object for me, so I've often just followed my heart when it comes to giving. When my college girlfriend was still in school, and I was newly flush with first-job cash, I bought her a laptop, because her old one died on her. I got a spatula. And a new sweater.
The laptop was a cheapie and the sweater was cashmere, and she was still in college. Either way, I never felt self-conscious about my purchases or hers (despite my friends' incredulous looks): We bought within our means and feelings. (That's not to say I don't curse my purchases post-break-up, but that kind of regret comes with the territory, along with declarations that you'll never date again.)
How about you? What are the rules when you're dating? What about when you're casually dating? Is there such thing as giving too much? (Or too little?) What happens when there's an obvious imbalance in gift exchange? And are there ways to offset the awkward moments?
photo from stock.xchng
For Saturday's column, I'm writing about bringing S.O.s home for Thanksgiving dinner. It's funny how some people can see it as nothing major at all, while others see it as a huge deal, so much so that they would rarely ever do it.
I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, so instead of bringing my boyfriend home, I'm bringing the family to us. I think bringing someone home is a bit of a big deal, only because you're exposing your boo to the family crazy. It's kind of like that phrase, if you want to know what she'll look like in 30 years, look at her mother, except worse. In my case, that means a by-the-Bible grandmother, add a dash of family drama, and Boyfriend's father, who is very off-the-cuff. My cousin has already asked where the alcohol is stashed.
Just to give you an idea, here's a picture of my family back in the day:
I finished an interview this morning with two dating coaches in New York City who I armed with the task of convincing me that the whole pick-up community was not sleazy.
Jordan Harbinger, co-host of Pickup Podcast, says that the strategy he and his friends teach is based on one cardinal rule: "Leave her better than you found her."
I think they may have convinced me. But I still have a nagging question: Did they run game on me?
I guess that's my main issue. We all run game in some sense or another; I think I am simply uncomfortable with pulling back the curtain on social interaction. Let me have the illusion.
Either way, they seemed pretty nice. I think.
What's the difference between knowing what you want and being picky? (When it relates to mates, of course.)
I'd say that I'm very particular when it comes to naming characteristics of my ideal mate, but in reality, my criteria is more in line with CD's:
I used to be a bit picky, now I have very few requirements, primarily that I'm attracted to her (indefinable I've found), she isn't stupid, and she is honest. My other criteria have been shot to hell when I've met women who I've fallen for who totally didn't meet them and I learned not to focus so much on those things. Sometimes the things I thought I wouldn't like taught me patience and I learned to appreciate differences.
However, my Seinfeld tendencies will reveal themselves when a relationship is on the rocks (see: break-up, falling asleep during High Fidelity). And I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who will not compromise on certain personality and physical traits. Anyone have strict criteria for their mates, or does time eventually wear everyone down to compromise (or settle, depending on who you talk to)?
This study by University of Vermont nursing professor Sharyl Toscano makes the case for friends being somewhat involved in your relationship (it's dry, academic reading; if you want the abridged version, check out the press release). Toscano talked to 22 Massachusetts high school girls about their dating experiences and friendships and found that friends help keep friends from bad relationships, particularly when it comes to abuse.
Girls' social circles set the tone for their dating relationships, she says, provide feedback on whether a relationship is bad, and also provide a means for getting out.
I chatted with her this morning about her study, and she says that this behavior tends to phase out as women get older; high schoolers' fragile personalities and confidence lend to need for intense group reassurance. Besides, as Toscano points out, high schoolers start with little to no experience in dating. How else will you learn, unless you watch others?
As she's living on campus housing, she says she notices students usually only revert back to the group model when it comes to Internet dating, possibly because they know so little about the person on the other end of the interwebs.
But surely there are those late bloomers and those people who didn't quite get past the high school stage. Anyone know anyone who relies a bit too much on their friends' opinions, especially when it comes to relationships?
This week's topic: How much weight should friends have on your relationship?
Friends were always an issue in my most substantial relationship. Most of my friends were not huge fans of my ex; they put up with her because I did, but there was always tension. And, in retrospect, I see that some of their concerns were valid ones.
BaltAmour reader JTK had a similar situation with his girlfriend and his pal:
I once had a girlfriend who made a nonchalant comment towards one of my friends that he, to this day, references as his reason for not liking her and having a negative stance towards here. That stuff tends to get in your ear and stay there. Friends and family opinion is a harsh mistress.
But friends (and family) aren't everything. When we have this friends/boyfriends conversation, my good friend M is wont to tell me that her mom's friends didn't like her dad before they got married. And they've been together for years.
So, how much stock should you put in your friends' opinions of your beau?
I originally was going to respond once again, in depth, to L.A. Lover's comments on Friday's post, but I have decided that it is no use. He firmly believes that there are no single professional women in Baltimore, and even if I am armed with oodles of evidence to the contrary, it is likely not be believed.
I would still love to get opinions from you, my lovely Baltimoreans, about your view of the city's dating scene -- I want to eventually write a column with a State of Baltimore Dating-type theme -- but I'm going to tone down the back-and-forth with L.A. Lover for now. We're about LOVE here. And constructive discussion!
And speaking of columns and constructive discussion, perhaps you guys can help me out this week. I have a few topics on the backburner this week, but
