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July 17, 2008

The draw of drama

There's one blog I read, Dating Really Blows, that I check out simply because of the drama. It frustrates me at times, because this man has gone from breakup to back together to moving in to moving out to breakup and reconciliation to back to breakup again. All with one woman. When do you say enough is enough?

Nonetheless, I keep coming back to see what happened next.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that we've all been there at least once in real-life: That one relationship that's full of some kind of drama -- two friends in competition for the same guy or girl; the on again-off again relationship; the unfaithful relationship. And even though we know it's bad, it's hard to say enough is enough. But why?

A few months ago, the folks at Baggage Reclaim did a series on Drama Reduction, how to get it out of your life. However, the first post focused on the Why of drama. According to NML, it's about the attention and the adrenaline:

Continue reading "The draw of drama" »

Posted by Maryann James at 10:53 AM | | Comments (3)
                    

July 11, 2008

The beginning of the end

When one of my friends finally decided to break it off with her intended, one bit stuck out in my head.

"I knew it was going to be difficult sometimes, but it's not supposed to be this hard," she said.

I said the same thing when I finally ended a relationship that didn't last half as long as hers. It's a universal: If you feel as if you're working too hard to keep a relationship together, it's likely time to say goodbye.

What are other signs your relationship is on the outs?

Continue reading "The beginning of the end" »

Posted by Maryann James at 4:01 PM | | Comments (0)
                    

July 10, 2008

Who's responsible?

One of my swinging bachelor friends has been a little more glow-y lately. He's met a girl.

She's cute, they really like each other, they have a good time together. But there's one hitch:

She still has a boyfriend.

When one of our friends found out, she gasped. "You're a homewrecker!" she teased. "I have a little bit less respect for you now!"

He says he's technically not a homewrecker -- they don't have a home together -- but our friend wouldn't budge on it. She has very strong ideas on infidelity. No cheating, no way, no how.

Continue reading "Who's responsible?" »

Posted by Maryann James at 1:21 PM | | Comments (9)
                    

June 25, 2008

Swinging and polyamory, oh my!

I'm running behind today, folks. First day back at work is always a little hard, sloughing through the piles of e-mail, catching up with co-workers... but you don't want to hear the excuses! You just want the news!

Well, speaking of inbox messages, Liz Kay of the lovely Consuming Interests blog, forwarded me an e-mail press release about LoveVoodoo.com, which is billed as "your adult lifestyle dating site." Aimed at people who are interested in everything from swinging to casual dating to fetish to bukakke (I had to look that last one up; I'll refer you to Wikipedia for that one. I'm blushing just thinking about explaining it.), the makers of the site are pressed to assure you that swinging was not just for your hippie parents in the 70s. Swinging is alive and well.

Non-monogamy does appear to be on the minds of many lately, perhaps with the start of CBS' show called Swingtown. Psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich wrote about polyamory over at the Huffington Post, where she questioned our assumptions about monogamy. "Does a monogamous marriage equal a good marriage?" she asked:





Continue reading "Swinging and polyamory, oh my!" »

Posted by Maryann James at 2:40 PM | | Comments (5)
                    

June 16, 2008

More macho movie messups

I've found another film to put in the messed-up movie files: The Godfather. I was watching the movie yesterday with Boyfriend and a friend who had never seen it before. I love the movie. The drama, the strategy between crime bosses, the funny phrases -- yes, even the violence -- it's riveting. However, I'd seemed to have forgotten how Michael Corleone treats Kay Adams like crap!

What do I mean? Let me break it down for you:

Continue reading "More macho movie messups" »

Posted by Maryann James at 12:15 PM | | Comments (5)
                    

June 12, 2008

The joy (and confusion) of text

According to the AP, Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons has gotten into romantic and political trouble -- over texting. Gibbons, who is in divorce proceedings, was called out by his wife for sending more than 860 text messages to a married woman that she says he's infatuated with and who he says is just a friend. Why the political trouble? Because he sent them on a state phone.

Apparently he missed the same memo that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick missed: Texting can come with a price.

I just wrote about how a certain cell phone can help your love life, but there's also a dark side. Texting can get us in a lot of trouble, especially when it comes to relationships, possibly because it's so easy. It makes it easy to arrange for a hook up, it makes it easy to break up and it makes it easy to say those things that you otherwise may feel so awkward saying. It's the electronic version of Dutch courage.

And Lord help you if you've had the alcoholic version of it too.

I have a friend who went out with a guy, went home, and then suffered through text message after text message of him trying to convince her to come over and watch a movie, share a bottle of wine, etc. She eventually ended up ignoring him. That would never happen on the phone or in person.

Perhaps that b commenter was right: Maybe cell phones do wreck relationships.

(Photo by buzzybee at stock.xchng) 

Posted by Maryann James at 12:01 PM | | Comments (3)
                    

June 11, 2008

The NRA argument

cheating via cell phone?My ever-so-cool friend Sam, of Midnight Sun, was trolling the b Web site today and sent me a link to the comments on LaDawn Black's Love Chronicles. In one story, a girl found out her boyfriend had bought a second cell phone (for his friend, he said) and was using that phone to cheat and talk to other women.

From commenter Greta:

cell phones have really destroyed some relationships. they allow people to conduct whole lives without the other even knowing it. Cell phones are evil — i tell you:)

 

Well, I hate to mangle an NRA slogan, but: Cell phones don't kill relationships, people kill relationships. Ever since man began walking upright, men (and women) have found ways to cheat, sneak and otherwise be unfaithful. Whether they have the Internet, carrier pigeons or cell phones, if someone wants to cheat, they will. Stop blaming the technology and blame the person.

I'll get off my soap box now.

(Photo by zizzy0104 at stock.xchng)

Posted by Maryann James at 1:51 PM | | Comments (0)
                    

May 28, 2008

On sex and rejection

In the past couple of days, I ran across two Web sites about sexual experiences, one thoughtful, one funny.

The first, The Virginity Project, is a blog run by a woman from California, who collects people's how-I-lost-my-virginity stories. At first I thought it was interesting how religion was a part of many of the stories on the blog, but it makes sense -- hellfire and damnation is probably one of the only things that could possibly make hormonal teenagers pause about doing the do.

Religious influences aside, it's an interesting indirect commentary on how such a big deal is made of virginity, when in reality, many first-time experiences are not as huge of a deal. (There are exceptions, of course.)

I found the second site, How Not to Get Laid, from the previous site. There are lots of good stories on people not getting any loving, from the woman who tried to do a striptease for her husband and ended up injuring him, to the woman who had to deal with dirty baby talk.


Posted by Maryann James at 3:00 PM | | Comments (1)
                    

May 19, 2008

An alternative to crying at your desk

According to the Telegraph over in the U.K., a Japanese PR company is offering a new form of bereavement leave: breakup leave.

Every year, you get one day of leave after a breakup in your early 20s, two days in your late 20s and three days from 30 and beyond. The theory is that the time off will make employees better, less-distracted workers in the long run.

According to the paper, the company spells out its policy on its Web site:
Many companies have maternity leave and claim they are kind to women because of this… People may take sick leave, yet not for heartache. But people would find it harder to be at work in such a situation, making simple mistakes, doing strange things.
It's a nice idea, but it seems that this company is already a little leave-happy -- they also have biannual shopping leave for workers, so that they have a chance to cash in on sales. And everyone handles breakups in different ways, but I'm actually happy to go to work after a breakup. That's the one place I don't really have reminders of the wreckage of my love life.

Posted by Maryann James at 2:49 PM | | Comments (4)
                    

Hopelessly devoted to leaving you


A friend of mine sent me a gem of a Web site on Friday: Reasons why I dumped you.

It appears to be a pretty new blog (there are only entries for May) and completely based on, well, readers' stories of why they dumped someone.

Some of the highlights:


Continue reading "Hopelessly devoted to leaving you" »

Posted by Maryann James at 11:45 AM | | Comments (12)
                    

May 15, 2008

Relationshippal time machine

I forget where I first caught wind of this film, since it has yet to come out in the U.S., but its subject piqued my interest.

It's a documentary made by a Brit, Chris Waitt (that's that guy to the left), titled A Complete History of My Sexual Failures. In the film, homeboy basically takes the High Fidelity route and goes back to see why every girlfriend he's had has dumped him. (It seems like an OK movie -- You can read a Sundance review over here, if you like.)

I think it's a nice idea, but in reality, not a good one. You can't go back in time, you will not get "closure," and you also run the risk of opening old wounds. (So I guess my answer's no.) Call me a pansy if you want, but I'm keeping it real.

But that's me. What about you? If you had a chance to go back and talk to all your exes (dumped or not) about where/why your relationship went wrong, would you?

(Photo of A Complete History of My Sexual Failures from Filmmaker magazine)

Posted by Maryann James at 12:25 PM | | Comments (1)
                    

May 7, 2008

Break-up victory

The other day, I read a post that struck a nerve. Newmie, over at The World According to Newmie, wrote (with a bit of colorful language) about running into an ex. In their brief encounter, she remembered all the reasons they broke up and left wondering why she was so silly to love him in the first place.

It made me smile, because I've been there. Heck, we've all been there.

Single Maryann, for the most part, is a piner (read: scaredy cat). I was particularly good at this in college, where I would dream and sigh and, well, pine, for someone who (sometimes) had no idea I was into them. When I finally would reveal myself, it often ended up disastrously, mainly because silly Maryann had built up the relationship before it happened. (And because, the other person sometimes, believe it or not, didn't like me in that way.)

At any rate, I treasure those moments when I can see someone I used to *die* over and can now see them without the glow of infatuation, just as a regular person who is not worth flinging myself over a bridge for. Those "Why did I think you were the best thing since sliced bread" moments are priceless.

I try not to think about people who have those moments over me. :)

But how about you? Anyone have break-up victory stories?


(Photo by ademkader at stock.xchng)

Posted by Maryann James at 11:08 AM | | Comments (2)
                    

May 1, 2008

My exhibit

Catherinette volunteered her exhibit for our own virtual Museum of Broken Relationships, but it seems everyone else is a little shy.

I'll offer my exhibit: A mix CD.

Music was a central part of my brief relationship with Jem. The first time I broke up with her, I offered her a mix CD with apologetic songs as a makeup gift. Our only road trip was to New York to see an Ani DiFranco concert I dragged her to. Many of our minor power struggles were over music -- I would screw up my face when she turned the radio to crappy (IMO) popular hip-hop radio; she'd turn the dial when I wanted to listen to my indie public station. And one of our best moments was during the aforementioned road trip, driving home on that July evening, listening to old-school Madonna, sharing stories and memories spurred by "Like a Virgin."

Music was also part of our end. When I broke up with her -- for real this time -- she tearfully handed me a stack of CDs containing Middle Eastern music: one of the few things we had agreed upon.

Posted by Maryann James at 11:19 AM | | Comments (0)
                    

April 29, 2008

Heart art

Inspired by the Museum of Broken Relationships, I thought it would be neat if we shared our stories, created our own virtual museum, right here at BaltAmour. In the sense of fairness, I'll post something too (I'll take photos tonight and post mine tomorrow).

As a refresher, the museum accepts artifacts from previous relationships, along with a brief story/descriptor. Objects range from a broken garden gnome that was thrown at an ex's car, to a glass horse, given as a gift, that now holds the memory of a happier time.

BaltAmour reader Eve kinda got the ball rolling last week.

If you had to contribute one thing, what would it be?

Posted by Maryann James at 11:45 AM | | Comments (1)
                    

April 21, 2008

Catharsis as art

Two Croatians, who broke up after being together for four years, have started a Museum of Broken Relationships. Olinka Vistika, one half of the team, said they got the idea when they broke up.

"When we were deciding to split up, every time people do that, it's connected to something ugly, something awkward," she said on NPR's Weekend Edition. "So we didn't like that way of dealing with our own past, which was once really beautiful. We got this idea, maybe, it would be a great idea to have a museum where you could store your emotional heritage."

One exhibit, a Murano glass horse from Venice, Italy, was contributed by a woman from Maribor. She tells this lovely story of the day she and her husband visited Venice and he gave her this horse (shown at left). Though the marriage dissolved, she still has this sweet memory to hold on to.

BaltAmour reader dancing monkey tipped me on to this museum. "It almost seems like that would be the most ultimate, wonderful catharsis, to get over [the relationship]," she said. "It's the place for the things that are special and meaningful, yet not in your house, and you don't have to see them everyday."

I agree. I have a box of keepsakes from old relationships sitting in storage, such as love notes written on scrap pieces of card stock by my architecture-major girlfriend. Perhaps it would be good to share them in a public space.

What would you contribute to the Museum of Broken Relationships?

(Photo from brokenships.com)


Posted by Maryann James at 12:35 PM | | Comments (2)
                    

April 7, 2008

Neat and discreet

There's been buzz all weekend about Jay-Z and Beyonce -- did they or didn't they get married?

I was kinda slow on the whole thing -- I know, I know, I promise I do work for a news organization -- but if they did get married on Friday, I think they did it in a really cool way. They've always been very hush-hush about their relationship in the public, and I like that they'd keep their nuptials the same way.

I obviously can't say that I do the same thing. Being that my job is to talk about relationshippal/love things, I'm not exactly mum on my love life. Even if I they don't read this, half the newsroom probably knows about the ins and outs of my relationship, due to my loud mouth. :)

How about you? Given the likelihood of office gossip, does anyone else have a no-relationships policy at work? (And I'm just talking about discussing relationships, not engaging in them; that's another post.)

Posted by Maryann James at 1:15 PM | | Comments (4)
                    

April 3, 2008

Getting down and dirty about clean breaks

A few days ago, I asked about people's break-up strategies, and JTK offered the excellent advice, imo, of deleting the ex's number from your phone.

However, aside from removing the immediate temptation, what are some good ways to distract yourself and/or ease a clean break?

All suggestions, from pottery classes to hanging with your good friend Jack Daniels, are welcome, but creative and constructive ideas get bonus points.

Posted by Maryann James at 2:54 PM | | Comments (6)
                    

March 31, 2008

Wanna help your fellow man?

I asked folks about their break-up style on Friday, and commenter Chris posed a related question:
What if you live with her like I do and are completely miserable living together and the lease isn't up? Help!
One commenter, Lee, basically said suck it up and just do it. Which is a good, straightforward answer. Anyone have any other suggestions? Perhaps on how to make the transition easier, if it's possible?

Posted by Maryann James at 12:08 PM | | Comments (5)
                    

March 28, 2008

What's your break-up style?

My friends and I were talking about break-ups the other day, and I mentioned how proud I was of a friend who opted for the clean break. She had said that she felt really crappy, and that she missed being able to talk to her ex, but that deep down, she knew it was the best move.

"I'm all for the clean break," my friend Meta said.
I agreed.

"Well, we know you're all about the clean break," Indiana replied.

Guilty as charged. I had a prolonged break-up with my first major romance -- first we went on a break, but we still talked every day, and then I went to visit her and I realized things weren't there and officially broke it off. I tried for the friendly exes immediately after, but conversations eventually devolved in talks about the past. I  figured out then that the clean break is best. I just haven't figured out how to stop my exes from being mad at me for instituting it. :)

We also talked about breaks, which we all agreed are just a ruse -- a break is only the first step to break-up. It's instituted because someone isn't brave enough to just go ahead and say it's over. Breaks rarely end with a reunion, my friend Fidelity said.

What do you think? Anyone have successful "break" stories? Anyone have a fool-proof break-up strategy?

(Photo by woodsy at stock.xchng)

Posted by Maryann James at 12:09 PM | | Comments (4)
                    

March 20, 2008

Fierce competition

I just finished hastily putting together my bracket for the NCAA basketball tournament. March Madness is the only time I watch basketball, mainly because (1) I typically don't do sports; (2) Though my alma mater is awesome in many ways, it doesn't really do sports; (3) I don't so sports.

However, I like doing picking brackets and competing against friends and, most importantly, trash-talking. And seeing as my school is never in the tourney, I have few emotional attachments. But I know there are plenty of fans out there for schools that are in the tournament, so I raise the question(s):

Are there dating/relationship rules for March Madness?
Is it like politics? No talking about team allegiances during Madness?
Is it good time to pick up men/women (game excitement --> raises adrenaline --> makes people more attractive)?
What about couples who went to rival schools?

Posted by Maryann James at 1:17 PM | | Comments (1)
                    

March 14, 2008

Just. Stop. Doing that!

I wrote about dealing with annoying habits the other week in the column, but I neglected to mention it here. Then, someone in the office reminded me of my biggest pet peeve:

I hate the sound of someone eating. Smacking, chomping, slurping, sipping, I hate it all. It just gets under my skin and gets louder and louder until I want to take the food from the offender and keep it away from them for all eternity.

Sigh.

I feel better now.

It nearly broke apart our happy apartment, back when Boyfriend and I were just roommates. He used to smack his lips when eating ice cream. However, after a few sharp looks, he calmed it down for the sake of good roommate relations.

What's your pet peeve?

(Photo from coolchrisc at stock.xchng)

Posted by Maryann James at 5:13 PM | | Comments (9)
                    

Do you stay or do you go?

Everyone's