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July 3, 2008

Cleaniless next to godliness?

In light of my new obsession, Clean House, I've started to wonder if a clean house reflects a healthy relationship.

On Clean House, Niecy Nash (of Reno 911 fame -- she's off the chain) and her crew come into a house, help a family clear their clutter, sell some of it in a yard sale, and then use the proceeds to redecorate their formerly cluttered rooms. However, amidst all the cleaning, there's often a layer of domestic discord that is revealed as the root of the problem. One man, a clutterbug, said he didn't clean up the house because that was his wife's job. (By the way, she worked outside of the house and took care of their two kids, too.) There was another woman who had a shopping habit out of control and had started to resent her neat-freak husband because he vacuumed at least once a day. (And had two vacuums!)

And don't get me started on the owners of the "messiest house in the country" -- this woman would not urge her husband, who has limited cleaning ability due to an injury, to get rid of clutter or stop him from bringing more crap into the house because she was standing by her man. OOH, she made me mad.

Continue reading "Cleaniless next to godliness?" »

Posted by Maryann James at 10:39 AM | | Comments (1)
                    

July 1, 2008

Baltimore love, sex marathons and the economy

Who says Baltimore is bad for relationships? In today's Sun, there's the story of a Denver couple, so down because they had to move away from Charm City, that they embarked on a 100-day sex-a-thon. Then, as it seems everyone does these days, they wrote a book about it, Just Do It.

According to the article, Annie Brown and her husband Doug saw the experiment as a way to wake up their marriage and lift their spirits. From Doug:
We were just kind of bummed out when Annie handed me this idea, and I said that it might be kind of fun and put some spark back in our lives. Baltimore was the kind of place that generated its own spark. We wanted to see if we could do the same in what we began to call our sensory-deprivation chamber.
It's a funny correlation -- no more Baltimore, let's have sex to make up for it -- but intriguing. And also familiar. Remember that story about the couple who had sex for 365 days straight? Or the couple who did the do for 100 days? What's with all these books all of a sudden about people having sex marathons?

Joe Burris has an answer for that too, which I think is even more interesting than the books:

Continue reading "Baltimore love, sex marathons and the economy" »

Posted by Maryann James at 3:45 PM | | Comments (2)
                    

June 30, 2008

Challenging the 'all or nothing' of monogamy

An intrepid new commenter came onto the scene last week, named JK, who was sprinking interesting comments throughout this blog. The most thought-provoking comment, IMO, went beyond the spelling debacle in last week's polyamory post and linked it with the famous settling debate sparked by Lori Gottleib a few months ago.

Non-monogamy could make sense, JK says. If Gottlieb says "The One" is fiction, why doesn't she consider multiple people to fulfill each need? Why the focus on one person?

I think it's interesting that, despite Gottlieb's continual references there to miserable marriages and the troubled plunge she herself took into single parenthood, and despite all her talk of spouse-as-business-partner-in-childrearing, the idea of a voluntarily nonmonogamous parenting relationship was not even HINTED at anywhere in that article. It seems non-monogamous relationships are still widely viewed by women as a fate worse than settling or single motherhood.

... if you're having trouble finding The One person who can fill all your needs (for sex, for companionship, for co-parenting), why shouldn't you try to find multiple people who can do so collectively? Divorced parents who still share custody have essentially done just that: they've decided they couldn't be everything to each other but they still maintain a childrearing relationship. And most couples do a little bit of this all the time anyway, insofar as they have friends/relatives besides just their partner who serve companionship needs, and sometimes even help fill in some parenting gaps.

Why does your relationship with a person with whom you have sex need to be an all-or-nothing affair?
He has a point. Nobody can ever be everything for someone else. A well-balanced support system -- friends, family, S.O. -- is necessary for a healthy life. You have to diversify your relationshippal portfolio, so to speak.

Continue reading "Challenging the 'all or nothing' of monogamy" »

Posted by Maryann James at 12:17 PM | | Comments (6)
                    

June 26, 2008

Making the move

What do you do when the person you're with is preparing to move away? Here's a situation posted on Sex & Moxie:

Woman and man date each other for six months, exclusively. Man mentions he's considering moving to cheaper place to start own business. Takes woman with him to scout potential new town. A short while later, he announces that he is going to move at the end of the summer. But:
There has never been any talk of a future between us nor there was any last night.  We kept the conversation pretty short.  He was also distant. didn't try to get "busy" and was less affectionate than his usual self. This is after not seeing each other for a whole week.  

So- my question is: Do I have a talk with him about the whole where do we stand - or - should I just start to distant myself from him... for example, we have a date on Friday night (which is really the whole weekend).  Should I just bring up some excuse and cancel?

Continue reading "Making the move" »

Posted by Maryann James at 3:00 PM | | Comments (2)
                    

June 25, 2008

Swinging and polyamory, oh my!

I'm running behind today, folks. First day back at work is always a little hard, sloughing through the piles of e-mail, catching up with co-workers... but you don't want to hear the excuses! You just want the news!

Well, speaking of inbox messages, Liz Kay of the lovely Consuming Interests blog, forwarded me an e-mail press release about LoveVoodoo.com, which is billed as "your adult lifestyle dating site." Aimed at people who are interested in everything from swinging to casual dating to fetish to bukakke (I had to look that last one up; I'll refer you to Wikipedia for that one. I'm blushing just thinking about explaining it.), the makers of the site are pressed to assure you that swinging was not just for your hippie parents in the 70s. Swinging is alive and well.

Non-monogamy does appear to be on the minds of many lately, perhaps with the start of CBS' show called Swingtown. Psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich wrote about polyamory over at the Huffington Post, where she questioned our assumptions about monogamy. "Does a monogamous marriage equal a good marriage?" she asked:





Continue reading "Swinging and polyamory, oh my!" »

Posted by Maryann James at 2:40 PM | | Comments (5)
                    

June 17, 2008

Vacational ettiquette

Don't forget to contribute your romantic staycation ideas for this week's Friday Five.

Also, while we're talking about vacations, anyone going on fun trips with their boo this summer? What are some definite no-nos for a two-of-you trip? At what point is it OK to go on a trip with someone you're dating?

Arm Jerker J. at Single is the New Relationship, says that you should beware going off on a vacay too soon. Read: A month in.

What do you think?

Posted by Maryann James at 12:32 PM | | Comments (1)
                    

June 16, 2008

The anti-bride

BaltAmour reader (and frequent commenter) Carey H sent me a link to this story about the anti-bride.

"I thought this was very funny (especially since I fall into this category lol)," she wrote.

What's an anti-bride, you ask? Someone who isn't all about the big dress, the huge guest list and the "it's all about me" mentality of marriage.

I totally dig it. Though I have admitted a love for the Whose Wedding Is It Anyway/Bridezilla genre of reality TV, I have to say I enjoy them because they are so far from reality for me. I don't have a scrapbook of ideas for my wedding, I don't understand spending $10,000 on a fete, and really, I'd be just fine with 20 people, a nice dress and a really tasty cake (I love food). I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one. (Thank for validating me, Carey. :-D)

The anti-bride stands in stark contrast to the people in this Newsweek story about extreme weddings. From lessons for a choreographed dance to bars made of ice to bridesmaid prenups (you gain weight, you drink too much at the reception, your don't keep your hair just right, you're legally responsible), people take the wedding waaaay too far.

Any other anti-brides (and grooms) out there? Anybody who's pro the big to-do?

(Picture from indexed) 

Posted by Maryann James at 1:15 PM | | Comments (9)
                    

More macho movie messups

I've found another film to put in the messed-up movie files: The Godfather. I was watching the movie yesterday with Boyfriend and a friend who had never seen it before. I love the movie. The drama, the strategy between crime bosses, the funny phrases -- yes, even the violence -- it's riveting. However, I'd seemed to have forgotten how Michael Corleone treats Kay Adams like crap!

What do I mean? Let me break it down for you:

Continue reading "More macho movie messups" »

Posted by Maryann James at 12:15 PM | | Comments (5)
                    

June 12, 2008

The joy (and confusion) of text

According to the AP, Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons has gotten into romantic and political trouble -- over texting. Gibbons, who is in divorce proceedings, was called out by his wife for sending more than 860 text messages to a married woman that she says he's infatuated with and who he says is just a friend. Why the political trouble? Because he sent them on a state phone.

Apparently he missed the same memo that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick missed: Texting can come with a price.

I just wrote about how a certain cell phone can help your love life, but there's also a dark side. Texting can get us in a lot of trouble, especially when it comes to relationships, possibly because it's so easy. It makes it easy to arrange for a hook up, it makes it easy to break up and it makes it easy to say those things that you otherwise may feel so awkward saying. It's the electronic version of Dutch courage.

And Lord help you if you've had the alcoholic version of it too.

I have a friend who went out with a guy, went home, and then suffered through text message after text message of him trying to convince her to come over and watch a movie, share a bottle of wine, etc. She eventually ended up ignoring him. That would never happen on the phone or in person.

Perhaps that b commenter was right: Maybe cell phones do wreck relationships.

(Photo by buzzybee at stock.xchng) 

Posted by Maryann James at 12:01 PM | | Comments (3)
                    

June 11, 2008

The NRA argument

cheating via cell phone?My ever-so-cool friend Sam, of Midnight Sun, was trolling the b Web site today and sent me a link to the comments on LaDawn Black's Love Chronicles. In one story, a girl found out her boyfriend had bought a second cell phone (for his friend, he said) and was using that phone to cheat and talk to other women.

From commenter Greta:

cell phones have really destroyed some relationships. they allow people to conduct whole lives without the other even knowing it. Cell phones are evil — i tell you:)

 

Well, I hate to mangle an NRA slogan, but: Cell phones don't kill relationships, people kill relationships. Ever since man began walking upright, men (and women) have found ways to cheat, sneak and otherwise be unfaithful. Whether they have the Internet, carrier pigeons or cell phones, if someone wants to cheat, they will. Stop blaming the technology and blame the person.

I'll get off my soap box now.

(Photo by zizzy0104 at stock.xchng)

Posted by Maryann James at 1:51 PM | | Comments (0)
                    

June 10, 2008

Finding time for lovin'

Kate Shatzkin over at Charm City Moms yesterday raised the question of parent nookie -- how do you fit adult playtime in?

She points to two interesting articles, one from the New York Times about two married couples who embarked on sex marathons (one couple did it for 365 days straight, give or take a few days; the other did it for 100 days straight) and a blog post about strategies for getting loving in when you have to worry about the childruns.

Hey, you remember the story about the married couple who bought the sex chair that ended up being a toy for their kid? This is why I say YOUR life is over when you have kids.

I highly recommend sharing your having-sex-even-though-we-have-little-hellions tips over on Kate's blog. However, I also thought she also raised a question that covers most long-term relationships, kids or no:

Continue reading "Finding time for lovin'" »

Posted by Maryann James at 10:14 AM | | Comments (1)
                    

June 9, 2008

Stripped

Yes kids, that is a stripper pole.One of my friends was planning to go to a bachelorette party this weekend, in which there were plans to go to a "male revue." Every time she would mention it, I couldn't help but giggle. Male revue -- it sound so old-fashioned, the complete opposite of nearly naked men gyrating their hips and dancing all up on you.

This is to say that I've never been to a male strip club. I've been at parties where there were male strippers, and I've been to strip clubs before where women take their clothes off, but I honestly don't really care to go to either. Male strip clubs just seem so over-the-top and, frankly, really funny. Female strip clubs are, at times, interesting (I didn't know people could bend like that!) and sleazy.

But not everyone feels as I do, which brings me to my question(s) of the day: What is your position on strip clubs? Do you go? Do your friends do? Does your significant other? And if so, are you OK with that?

Posted by Maryann James at 12:11 PM | | Comments (4)
                    

June 4, 2008

Love on a (invisible) leash

A few weeks ago, the New York Times wrote a story about a couple of Buddhist teachers who live in a yurt in the Arizona desert, are in a spiritual relationship (no nookie, thank you) and are never more than 15 feet from each other.
"It forces you to deal with your own emotions so you can’t say, ‘I’ll take a break,’ ” said Mr. Roach, 55, who trained in the same Tibetan Buddhist tradition as the Dalai Lama. After becoming a monk in 1983, he trained on-and-off in a Buddhist monastery for 20 years and is one of a handful of Westerners who has earned the title of geshe, the rough equivalent of a religious doctorate. “You are in each other’s faces 24 hours a day,” he said. “You must deal with your anger or your jealousy.”

Continue reading "Love on a (invisible) leash" »

Posted by Maryann James at 4:00 PM | | Comments (2)
                    

June 3, 2008

Scoring at the stadium

Josh Alper at FanHouse reports that a certain lesbian who's currently on skanky Tila Tequila's A Shot at Love on MTV, Sirbrina Guerrero, was censured at a Seattle Mariners game because she enjoyed a quick smooch with her girlfriend during the game.

From DList magazine:

"And he (the security guard) goes 'there's a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.' And I said 'well, we weren't making out, but we were kissing and I'm not going to stop,'" said [Sirbina] Guerrero.

Guerrero says the only reason she was called out was because of her sexual orientation.

"(The security guard said) the mom doesn't want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing. So I said 'well, I'm not going to stop, so you'll have to kick me out. So he said 'so I suggest you leave then,"' she said.

Hmm. Surely if they have a problem with a brief homo peck in Seattle, they'd be chasing women with pitchforks and stakes here. Guerrero says that they took pictures of guy-girl pecks at the stadium, just to prove that it was a double standard.

This brings up a few questions:

Continue reading "Scoring at the stadium" »

Posted by Maryann James at 12:26 PM | | Comments (3)
                    

May 29, 2008

A Wii saved my love life

Boyfriend and I recently agreed to stimulate the economy with a Wii. We'd been plotting on it for months; the prospect of "free" money made the plans that more real.

It's here, it's awesome. I kick Boyfriend's booty in bowling most of the time, though he has focused a bit more since I whomped him in our first game. Like in real life, I'm horrible at baseball. He tried to teach me how to perfect my swing. We team up our racers to fight the computer in Mario Kart. We reminisce over the retro games you can download on Wii.

Which has me thinking -- is it true that the couple that plays together stays together?



Continue reading "A Wii saved my love life" »

Posted by Maryann James at 12:42 PM | | Comments (7)
                    

May 28, 2008

On sex and rejection

In the past couple of days, I ran across two Web sites about sexual experiences, one thoughtful, one funny.

The first, The Virginity Project, is a blog run by a woman from California, who collects people's how-I-lost-my-virginity stories. At first I thought it was interesting how religion was a part of many of the stories on the blog, but it makes sense -- hellfire and damnation is probably one of the only things that could possibly make hormonal teenagers pause about doing the do.

Religious influences aside, it's an interesting indirect commentary on how such a big deal is made of virginity, when in reality, many first-time experiences are not as huge of a deal. (There are exceptions, of course.)

I found the second site, How Not to Get Laid, from the previous site. There are lots of good stories on people not getting any loving, from the woman who tried to do a striptease for her husband and ended up injuring him, to the woman who had to deal with dirty baby talk.


Posted by Maryann James at 3:00 PM | | Comments (1)
                    

May 22, 2008

Anti-weddingstravaganza, pro-Venn diagram

Why I'm against big weddings, enclosed in a neat little Venn diagram. Oh, perfection:

The picture is from one of my favorite blogs, indexed.

Posted by Maryann James at 5:00 PM | | Comments (0)
                    

May 15, 2008

Back to the future II

I stumbled upon a blog where the author, Marne, does her own relationshippal time warp. (It seems I've been doing a lot of stumbling lately, I know -- What of it?) After finding a journal written by one of her ex-girlfriends, she talks about how they met, how they got together, and how she cannot remember much else about her romance with her first girlfriend.

It's quite a long post, but as she works through her past and into the present, you can kinda see a bit of value in the whole revisiting-the-ex thing, whether it's face-to-face or just in your memories: Ideally, you learn a little more about yourself and yourself in relationships, but as Marne notes, sometimes you just learn that you still have no clue at all:
I am befuddled (yes, befuddled) by the fact that I can’t come up with any other reasons why other people seek out and stay in relationships, because I can’t imagine any other reason working for a very long time (a brief list of the other reasons I have been in other relationships, all of which have been significantly shorter: you’re hot. you make me feel smarter. you need to get laid. i need to get laid. you laugh at my jokes. people think we’d be good together.  why not?). The only other reason I can come up with is being scared of being alone and dying alone, but once you get past the whole one day I’m turning into grass thing, all you’re left with is that feeling of wishing someone else was watching out for you.  How do people make monogamy work and still feel like an individual in the long term?
Your thoughts?

(Photo by djhalo at stock.xchng)

Posted by Maryann James at 1:09 PM | | Comments (3)
                    

May 14, 2008

Another reason it's cool to be single.


You're a social phenomenon.

What you say, you ask?

According to Helena Echlin at Chow, your dinner party will be better off if you invite at least a few (it must be more than one) single people. Coupled up people are boring old fogeys who lose that special something she calls "single person energy" when they pair up:

 

 

Continue reading "Another reason it's cool to be single." »

Posted by Maryann James at 11:56 AM | | Comments (2)
                    

May 9, 2008

What's my flirting motivation?

The other night, while out with friends the other night, we got into a somewhat heated conversation about flirting.

It started because I mentioned that Boyfriend is a Flirty McSmiley, to which he begged ignorance. He's just a friendly guy, he said. Ignorance or no, his friendly behavior -- mostly to people in the service industry -- comes off as flirty, I said, which I find hilarious to watch. (He swears he's not a smoothie, but it's so funny to watch him pour on the charm.)

But then the tables were turned, which is when it got interesting: Sure, he may flirt to smooth the edges with the lady at the front desk or the waitress who's serving his food, but it's still low-grade compared to women, the men of the group said. What about women? Women are way more confusing, because they flirt for a number of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with the man you're flirting with. Among the reasons:

Continue reading "What's my flirting motivation?" »

Posted by Maryann James at 10:21 AM | | Comments (3)