Do you believe any single woman over 30 is being honest when she claims to be happy that way? I don't.
What's really going on behind that confident demeanour and fulfilled exterior is crushing loneliness and desperation.
Single women become adept at playing the isn't-life-grand game.
They have to do it around men so they don't appear desperate.

Continue reading "The spinster myth" »

Posted by Maryann James at 1:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)
                    

I'm running behind today, folks. First day back at work is always a little hard, sloughing through the piles of e-mail, catching up with co-workers... but you don't want to hear the excuses! You just want the news!

Well, speaking of inbox messages, Liz Kay of the lovely Consuming Interests blog, forwarded me an e-mail press release about LoveVoodoo.com, which is billed as "your adult lifestyle dating site." Aimed at people who are interested in everything from swinging to casual dating to fetish to bukakke (I had to look that last one up; I'll refer you to Wikipedia for that one. I'm blushing just thinking about explaining it.), the makers of the site are pressed to assure you that swinging was not just for your hippie parents in the 70s. Swinging is alive and well.

Non-monogamy does appear to be on the minds of many lately, perhaps with the start of CBS' show called Swingtown. Psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich wrote about polyamory over at the Huffington Post, where she questioned our assumptions about monogamy. "Does a monogamous marriage equal a good marriage?" she asked:

Continue reading "Swinging and polyamory, oh my!" »

Posted by Maryann James at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
                    

So just normal looking guys are not suitable for impromptu make out sessions? And what is the criteria for being a "hottie"?

Posted by Maryann James at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
                    

Continue reading "The power of three" »

Posted by Maryann James at 4:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

According to the AP, Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons has gotten into romantic and political trouble -- over texting. Gibbons, who is in divorce proceedings, was called out by his wife for sending more than 860 text messages to a married woman that she says he's infatuated with and who he says is just a friend. Why the political trouble? Because he sent them on a state phone.

Apparently he missed the same memo that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick missed: Texting can come with a price.

I just wrote about how a certain cell phone can help your love life, but there's also a dark side. Texting can get us in a lot of trouble, especially when it comes to relationships, possibly because it's so easy. It makes it easy to arrange for a hook up, it makes it easy to break up and it makes it easy to say those things that you otherwise may feel so awkward saying. It's the electronic version of Dutch courage.

And Lord help you if you've had the alcoholic version of it too.

I have a friend who went out with a guy, went home, and then suffered through text message after text message of him trying to convince her to come over and watch a movie, share a bottle of wine, etc. She eventually ended up ignoring him. That would never happen on the phone or in person.

Perhaps that b commenter was right: Maybe cell phones do wreck relationships.

(Photo by buzzybee at stock.xchng) 

Posted by Maryann James at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

cell phones have really destroyed some relationships. they allow people to conduct whole lives without the other even knowing it. Cell phones are evil — i tell you:)

 

Posted by Maryann James at 1:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

One of my friends was planning to go to a bachelorette party this weekend, in which there were plans to go to a "male revue." Every time she would mention it, I couldn't help but giggle. Male revue -- it sound so old-fashioned, the complete opposite of nearly naked men gyrating their hips and dancing all up on you.

This is to say that I've never been to a male strip club. I've been at parties where there were male strippers, and I've been to strip clubs before where women take their clothes off, but I honestly don't really care to go to either. Male strip clubs just seem so over-the-top and, frankly, really funny. Female strip clubs are, at times, interesting (I didn't know people could bend like that!) and sleazy.

But not everyone feels as I do, which brings me to my question(s) of the day: What is your position on strip clubs? Do you go? Do your friends do? Does your significant other? And if so, are you OK with that?

Posted by Maryann James at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
                    

Posted by Maryann James at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

You're a social phenomenon.

What you say, you ask?

According to Helena Echlin at Chow, your dinner party will be better off if you invite at least a few (it must be more than one) single people. Coupled up people are boring old fogeys who lose that special something she calls "single person energy" when they pair up:

Continue reading "Another reason it's cool to be single." »

Posted by Maryann James at 11:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
                    

The other night, while out with friends the other night, we got into a somewhat heated conversation about flirting.

It started because I mentioned that Boyfriend is a Flirty McSmiley, to which he begged ignorance. He's just a friendly guy, he said. Ignorance or no, his friendly behavior -- mostly to people in the service industry -- comes off as flirty, I said, which I find hilarious to watch. (He swears he's not a smoothie, but it's so funny to watch him pour on the charm.)

But then the tables were turned, which is when it got interesting: Sure, he may flirt to smooth the edges with the lady at the front desk or the waitress who's serving his food, but it's still low-grade compared to women, the men of the group said. What about women? Women are way more confusing, because they flirt for a number of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with the man you're flirting with. Among the reasons:

Continue reading "What's my flirting motivation?" »

Posted by Maryann James at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

So, a few days after the chat with my mom, when I found myself downtown drinking tea with my friend Steven, I asked him what he thought about dating. He has a long-term girlfriend, and I was curious how he viewed their relationship.

“The main thing,” he said, “is I don’t mind if she sleeps with other people. I mean, she’s not my property, right? I’m just glad I get to hang out with her. Spend time with her. Because that’s all we really have, you know? I don’t want her to be mine, and I don’t want to be anybody’s.”

I sucked my teeth and looked over at the next table, where two men sat opposite each other. One looked over his shoulder and gave me a closed-mouth grin.

Steven explained that it’s not a question of faithfulness but of expectation. He can’t be expected not to want to sleep with other people, so he can’t expect her to think differently. They are both young and living in New York, and as everyone in New York knows, there’s the possibility of meeting anyone, everywhere, all the time.

I'm sorry, this is crazy to me. When I was in college, though there were plenty of swinging singles who preferred to stay that way -- especially men, who had their pick at a school where they were outnumbered by at least 2:1 -- but there were also plenty of people who were willing to stick with one guy or girl. And that didn't mean just until they saw someone else who caught their eye.

Of course, perhaps my perspective is a little skewed. At that point, I was dating mostly women (I know the old lesbian joke: "What does a lesbian bring on a second date?" "A U-Haul.") and perhaps much has changed in the four years I've been out of school. (At least one person in Baltimore seems to agree with the fuzzy logic on monogamy.)

Am I old and out of touch? Is monogamy passe among college kids? (Or even older folks?)
 

Posted by Maryann James at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
                    

I received some more environmentally friendly tips from BaltAmour reader dirtdigger2006, who claims some expertise in the subject (rumor is she's studying to be an environmental engineer):

+ Candles serve a double purpose. "Use candles to create a mood, but also to save energy," she writes. "There are lots of candles made out of more earth-friendly products such as soy or beeswax."

+ Use earth-friendly condoms. She points to Birds 'n Bees vegan and cruelty-free condoms (shown at left). I'm still not completely sure how a condom CANNOT be vegan or cruelty free, though this site claims to examine how a variety of "green" condoms measure up.

+ Alternative massages. "Instead of buying massage oils, you can create skin-healthy, natural products from things in your kitchen," she says. Just throw together some nice smelling herbs, some corn or safflower oil and some essential oils. From my cursory research, here are some examples: "Naturally Native Massage Oil" from Massage Magazine, and a list of massage oil recipes from Glenbrook Farms Herbs n Such in Florida.

+ Natural 'Bed Toys.' "Some 'bed toys' are made from plastics which contain toxins or PVC which in the past have been found to cause irritations and release hormone-disrupting chemicals," dirtdigger writes. "The natural products are said to be safer in those aspects." Grist's green love article mentions this in passing, but here's a link to another article that talks in depth about good sex toys.

Posted by Maryann James at 12:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

(Photo by André F. Chung / Sun photographer)

One benefit of being single: A sweet home.

That's what a Sunday article about singles and real estate seems to suggest.

Lack of romantic attachment seems to afford a measure of financial freedom for some of the city's singles, from bachelors in their mid-30s such as Christian S. Johansson to divorcees such as Lorraine Jacobs, who can afford swanky harbor-view condos that they can decorate as they wish. (Sidenote: I enjoy the word divorcee. It seems to denote a bit of glamour, danger and freedom that few words do. I'm crazy, I know.)

According to a study by the 2007 National Association of Realtors, which is quoted in the article, some 32 percent of homes were sold to single women in Baltimore, and single men made up 9 percent.

It's not a huge surprise; as people delay settling down, it makes sense that people wouldn't want to have to wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right to own their own place. And if you don't have the girlfriend tax, logic would follow that you'd have more money to spend on your digs.

Still, it brings up some interesting issues, one of which is: When you do meet that special someone, do you give up your wonderful all-about-you digs, or do you make room for the new person?

Posted by Maryann James at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
                    

Is the person you are with, the type of person you imagined yourself ending up with? Does there come a point in life when you finally realize that what you need to make you happy is staring you in the face, you’re just too scared to make the leap?

Posted by Maryann James at 12:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
                    

Continue reading "Again, with the kids!" »

Posted by Maryann James at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
                    

A couple of years ago, I accepted a blind date with a widower because the friends who set it up SWORE to me that after 7 years widowed, he was "ready". We met at Red Brick Station in White Marsh where he jumped right into the details of his wife's death and life without her. He cried. Really. Tears ran down his face and dripped off his chin. For the entire meal. The poor waitress wanted to help. I kept waving her off. I skipped dessert and coffee. ("Wow! Is it 7:30 already? Got an early morning!") He called a couple days later to ask me out again! Did he honestly think that I wanted to repeat that experience???

I think this highlights two BIG date no-nos -- and this can qualify for any kind of break-up.
1. Make sure you're ready to date again before you go out. If you still go into crying jags thinking of your ex-girlfriend's stuffed bunny, perhaps you need to sit this date out. Or: Go talk to a professional. That's what they're there for -- to help us heal and find unseen paths through emotional trauma.
2. DON'T talk about former relationships on a first date. Or, more accurately, don't go into major details. "Sam and I had a good and bad times. We were together for five years." STOP.

Also, in response to Mary's comment, for those who are interested, here's a link to a New York Times story about finding love after a spouse's death, involving, incidentally, a former Sun colleague.

Posted by Maryann James at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
                    

At Slate, writer Mark Gimein applies game theory and economics to the dating world -- specifically, to the eligible bachelor shortage: you know, the common -- almost cliched -- comment by women that there are few eligible men out there.

If there are eligible women, there should be an equal amount of eligible men, right? Not necessarily, Gimein says. Just as in auctions, in the dating market, there are "high bidders" -- those who are confident that they will have many opportunities -- and "low bidders" -- those who are not so sure. And those who believe they have more to lose (the low bidders) will bid more aggressively for the man (or 500-year-old vase) that they want.

So, in short, the good men have gone to the low bidders, who have likely pounced on the eligible men when they first came onto the market.

This whole theory, which is based on the idea that women choose men, not the other way around -- is an interesting application of market theory to dating. And while seems to be a good explanation for why things are the way they are, I share Gimein's warning about trying to convert it into your own dating strategy. If anything, I think the best strategy is to remain a high bidder and wait: Some of those eligible men -- and low bidders -- will likely realize some of the pitfalls of marrying young.*

(Photo by jansun at stock.xchng)


___________
* This is not to say marrying young is a bad thing; I know quite a few couples who've married young and seem to be very together and well-suited for each other. But I also know quite a few instances where couples weren't quite so suited for each other, either -- young love does not always lead to the best decisions.

Posted by Maryann James at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)
                    

Posted by Maryann James at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)
                    

Snippets from an conversation last night:

Friend: I am watching the 5th Element. It's a classic. Hilarious
Me: I don't think I've seen all of that movie in one sitting
Friend: Don't tell me it's your version of "the run down"
Me: What?
Friend: OK, abbreviated version, if I don't make it though a movie, it's typically for a reason
Me: Ohh, I thought that's what you meant. No, it's not my rundown movie. My rundown movies have been Pulp Fiction -- it's hard enough to keep track of anyway -- and High Fidelity -- i've seen it enough times :)
Friend: Pulp Fiction, I could see that. But it's a great movie
Me: Yeah, both of them are great movies! Thus, a perfect rundown movie. They're not obvious. If you call someone and are like, 'Hey, let's go watch Blankman,' you know what's up

Though I had never heard it called the "rundown," the concept of the rundown movie is hardly new. It was big in college, especially: If a friend told you that they were going over to watch a movie, alone, with someone, you knew that it was a high likelihood they weren't going over to watch a movie. It was just the excuse to go over there to hook up -- or mess around or whatever vague phrase you want to use for sexual contact.

After last night's conversation, I was curious: Is the rundown movie a college phenomenon, or is it a tried-and-true method in the real world too? And what's your best rundown movie? 

Posted by Maryann James at 2:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
                    

According to researchers at Durham University in Great Britain, people can tell whether another is looking for a short-term or long-term commitment simply by looking at their face.

This seems to fly in the face of previous research I've mentioned on this blog (also volunteered by BaltAmour reader Charles; perhaps he's trying to make up with his guy friends? ;D). If guys can't tell when a woman is hitting on them or being friendly -- of which I have anecdotal proof of such things -- how can they tell when a woman is interested in a one-night stand or a prelude to a lifetime of crappiness, er, happiness?

What do you think? Is the hookup an unspoken thing? What are the cues for a fling? Men and women report. Let's compare notes.

Posted by Maryann James at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)