BaltAmour

Questionable quote of the day

2008-07-08T15:17:07Z

Funky Brown Chick's friend on finding the right guy:

“You want too much and you don’t act like you’re looking for a longterm relationship. Every other woman in the world has figured it out except you. You gotta ‘date down’ if you want it to last. That’s the secret. The guy has to be less hot than you. Stay away from the attractive boys. Go for the good guys.”

“What about the attractive boys who are good guys?” I ask optimistically. “I know guys like that.”

“No you don’t. They don’t exist. You only think they’re nice because you don’t know them that well.”

I'm all about not having pie-in-the sky ideas of your mate, but i'm not sure beauty and kindness are mutually exclusive.

Your thoughts?

(Cartoon courtesy of Mr. Oblivious)

When not keeping it real goes wrong

2008-07-08T13:53:58Z

I ran across clips of Man Stroke Woman, a British sketch comedy, on YouTube a few months ago. And last week's talk of settling into relationships made me think of this clip:

I got you babe Friday Five

2008-07-07T14:54:30Z

There was an abundance of suggestions for last week's "you're in a relationship" Friday Five. But one BaltAmour reader, Carey, took umbrage with the direction of many people's comments:

This discussion makes me think of how people change to present themselves in a slightly better light in the first few months of a relationship. (Then kinda give up or revert to old ways after it's official)

Personally, and this may sound corny, but I try to be myself at all times. I'll tell you anything you want to know on a first date (if asked). I cannot stand to go more than 2 days without shaving, whether I'm single or not. I haven't worn granny panties since I was 10. I've worn old sweats and a tank top to bed the second time a guy's spent the night. And I'll pee in front of just about anyone if I gotta go bad enough. On the other hand, when dating someone I make sure I save fun stuff (lingerie, etc) for later on too. Gotta keep it interesting ;)

And while Cary makes a good point, I think that holding off some behavior until you're in the thick of things is natural and OK. It's not as if you are hiding children, the fact that you love ribs, even though your girlfriend is a vegetarian, or that you were arrested five times in one year. It's more comfort than deceit.

For example, one big thing that came up was toilet matters -- using the loo with the door open, letting one loose, etc. That is a big sign of comfort, no matter whether it's your boyfriend or your best friend. We all know everybody poots. But for politeness sake, you don't let one go in the middle of an important meeting or with people you just met. (Well, most people do not.) When you can do that sort of thing in front of your significant other, it's for keeps.

At any rate, here's a list of signs that you're in a relationship:

]]> + The door stays open. Gone are the myths that you smell like roses every day, all day. Bathroom doors are no longer means for private time, whether you like it or not. "Granted, I like the "settling" part of a relationship, but this is not enjoyable," writes R. "Must be a guy thing."
Except it's not. Not only does the door stay open, but for some people, it also extends to bathroom conversations, such as "When you realize you are having a conversation comparing your bowel habits and neither one of you finds it disgusting or odd," lists Melissa.

+ When you make sacrifices. You will give up your favorite show to spend time with them, or not eat as much meat to have culinary harmony with your vegan S.O. Or, in the case of the Dredded One: "You know its over when you are sitting on the couch in the Macy's women's shoe department with bags galore surrounding you. Simulatneaously, you're alma mater is playing it's rival on tv, and you ain't watching it."
Willchris adds another example: "And when she gets sleepy you turn off the TV or close your magazine and turn the light off even though you are not tired."

+ When you hold them responsible. When you start trusting them with parts of your life, from the mundane (Pick up my dry cleaning for me because I'm busy today) to the emotional (Help make me feel better because I've had a horrible day.) Or even your dreams. "You know you're a couple when you find yourself having to answer for her bad dreams," write BaltAmour reader J.

+ When you can act like children together. This doesn't necessarily only happen when you're settled in, but it's definitely a requisite for committed relationships. When you can act like silly and stupid around your S.O., you know you've reached the comfort zone. Such as with Amadeo and his girl:

When you openly fart like little kids. Not just willing to fart, but when you do stuff like....
"Hey Baby"
"What"
"Fart" (I couldn't think of a fart noise.)

+ When keeping it real gets realer. I personally think toilet-related matters are the pinnacle of keeping it real in relationships, but there's other matters, such as wearing your oldest, grimiest T-shirt ("Me wearing my slightly stained Planet Hollywood tanktop from 1997," writes JTK. "It is horrendous and glorious. Bask in the glory.") or cheering for your favorite sports team. "Dating ppl cheer for each others' team. You know it's committed coupleship when your real team allegiances show," writes lisbet. "i'm a ravens girl married to a steelers guy ... it also shows up in college football, as i'm umich and he's penn state."

(Photo by vranarc at stock.xchng)

Cleaniless next to godliness?

2008-07-03T14:39:02Z

In light of my new obsession, Clean House, I've started to wonder if a clean house reflects a healthy relationship.

On Clean House, Niecy Nash (of Reno 911 fame -- she's off the chain) and her crew come into a house, help a family clear their clutter, sell some of it in a yard sale, and then use the proceeds to redecorate their formerly cluttered rooms. However, amidst all the cleaning, there's often a layer of domestic discord that is revealed as the root of the problem. One man, a clutterbug, said he didn't clean up the house because that was his wife's job. (By the way, she worked outside of the house and took care of their two kids, too.) There was another woman who had a shopping habit out of control and had started to resent her neat-freak husband because he vacuumed at least once a day. (And had two vacuums!)

And don't get me started on the owners of the "messiest house in the country" -- this woman would not urge her husband, who has limited cleaning ability due to an injury, to get rid of clutter or stop him from bringing more crap into the house because she was standing by her man. OOH, she made me mad.
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What do you think?

(Photo by bies at stock.xchng)

Baltimore love, sex marathons and the economy

2008-07-01T19:45:37Z

Who says Baltimore is bad for relationships? In today's Sun, there's the story of a Denver couple, so down because they had to move away from Charm City, that they embarked on a 100-day sex-a-thon. Then, as it seems everyone does these days, they wrote a book about it, Just Do It.

According to the article, Annie Brown and her husband Doug saw the experiment as a way to wake up their marriage and lift their spirits. From Doug:

We were just kind of bummed out when Annie handed me this idea, and I said that it might be kind of fun and put some spark back in our lives. Baltimore was the kind of place that generated its own spark. We wanted to see if we could do the same in what we began to call our sensory-deprivation chamber.

It's a funny correlation -- no more Baltimore, let's have sex to make up for it -- but intriguing. And also familiar. Remember that story about the couple who had sex for 365 days straight? Or the couple who did the do for 100 days? What's with all these books all of a sudden about people having sex marathons?

Joe Burris has an answer for that too, which I think is even more interesting than the books:
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"Recession is good for relationships," he said. "People don't want to go out so they can cocoon, and sex can be fun for many couples. It beats the hell out of Monopoly. ... Reclaiming the spark of romance is always a timely subject."

Do you think this is true? Have you been spending more time with your honey since the economic downturn? Staying in to save gas money? Embarking on a sex marathon of your own? Has anyone felt closer to their sweetie since money got funny, or are you ready to kill them?

Wrong-headed quote of the day

2008-07-01T18:50:07Z

"It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man – a black man – in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."

-- Usher, in the July edition of Vibe.

Right? Wrong? Misguided? So true it hurts? Feel free to discuss. I'm gonna keep mum for now.

The spinster myth

2008-07-01T17:50:17Z

According to psychologist Pam Spurr, any single woman who says she's happy is lying to herself.

Do you believe any single woman over 30 is being honest when she claims to be happy that way? I don't.
What's really going on behind that confident demeanour and fulfilled exterior is crushing loneliness and desperation.
Single women become adept at playing the isn't-life-grand game.
They have to do it around men so they don't appear desperate.

What is it with these attacks on single 30-something women? ]]>
When I was single, I was happy to be so. I enjoyed my freedom. Perhaps because of how I was raised, I've never been desperate to pair up. If someone caught my eye, I'd "pursue" them, but other than that, I was happy to be on my own. And I know there are plenty of women who feel the same way. (OK, one of those examples isn't single anymore, but that's beside the point.)

That is not to say that I didn't get lonely. Particularly at times when everyone else in the world seemed paired up and all you have is yourself. But EVERYONE gets lonely -- men, too! Which is why these "single women are miserable" proclamations just burn me up. As Rachel Sukert of Slate asks, where are the stories about sad single males? Can we please get rid of the spinster myth already?

(photo by scottsnyde at stock.xchng)

Challenging the 'all or nothing' of monogamy

2008-06-30T16:17:06Z

An intrepid new commenter came onto the scene last week, named JK, who was sprinking interesting comments throughout this blog. The most thought-provoking comment, IMO, went beyond the spelling debacle in last week's polyamory post and linked it with the famous settling debate sparked by Lori Gottleib a few months ago.

Non-monogamy could make sense, JK says. If Gottlieb says "The One" is fiction, why doesn't she consider multiple people to fulfill each need? Why the focus on one person?

I think it's interesting that, despite Gottlieb's continual references there to miserable marriages and the troubled plunge she herself took into single parenthood, and despite all her talk of spouse-as-business-partner-in-childrearing, the idea of a voluntarily nonmonogamous parenting relationship was not even HINTED at anywhere in that article. It seems non-monogamous relationships are still widely viewed by women as a fate worse than settling or single motherhood.
... if you're having trouble finding The One person who can fill all your needs (for sex, for companionship, for co-parenting), why shouldn't you try to find multiple people who can do so collectively? Divorced parents who still share custody have essentially done just that: they've decided they couldn't be everything to each other but they still maintain a childrearing relationship. And most couples do a little bit of this all the time anyway, insofar as they have friends/relatives besides just their partner who serve companionship needs, and sometimes even help fill in some parenting gaps.

Why does your relationship with a person with whom you have sex need to be an all-or-nothing affair?

He has a point. Nobody can ever be everything for someone else. A well-balanced support system -- friends, family, S.O. -- is necessary for a healthy life. You have to diversify your relationshippal portfolio, so to speak.

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What do you think?

(Photo by NatsPhotos at stock.xchng)

Yeah, you're a couple.

2008-06-30T15:03:58Z

I took Boyfriend shopping with me Saturday; I wanted to buy a pair of shoes that I originally passed on, but have been obsessed with ever since. I also tried on some clothes elsewhere (we were already there!), and as I came out of the dressing room, Boyfriend, was smiling.

"I heard the funniest thing," he said.
"What?"
"A guy was sitting next to me in the man chair, and his wife comes out to ask him about something. He was frowning, and said, 'Why do you mistreat me? I'm hungry and you said we'd eat an hour ago.' I told him, that's why you eat first."
I agreed. It makes it easier for everyone involved when you start with a full belly.

Boyfriend pointed them out when we got in the checkout line. They seemed to be a pretty happy couple. And then ... I looked down. Homegirl had a scary amount of hair on her legs. Like Chewbacca hairy.

Now, I am not one to judge -- my legs are in dire need of maintenance, too -- but I couldn't help but laugh. Right there were two signs that you're in a well-established relationship, both were types of honesty: verbal (I'm hungry, stop dragging me around to stores) and visual (You know my legs get hairy, live with it).

Which brings me to this week's Friday Five:
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We all eventually let our guard down (although I had one friend who said he thought his girlfriend was hairless for months, years even, before he found out that she was just quick with the razor), get comfortable. What are the signs that you or your S.O. are settling in? I'll post my favorites on Friday.

(Photo by winjohn at stock.xchng)

Give me the hookup Friday Five

2008-06-27T19:43:24Z

OK, folks, this week's list of places to bag a cutie was hard. With limited knowledge and help, I stumped my brain on this one. However, I've put together a list of places, purposely flawed, so that you guys can correct me. (How's that for reverse psychology? :-D)

Without further ado, here are five places to get your non-committal groove on in Baltimore:
]]> + Cross Street Market. BaltAmour reader aeb doesn't give details on why this is a great spot for meeting -- specifically, on Friday nights after work, she says -- but you can kinda figure it out yourself: It's in the middle of Federal Hill, surrounded by bars that are surely to be packed with other people ready for Happy Hour and the weekend. So much happiness has no choice but to end in hookups.

+ Grand Central. It's tried and true or tired and true, depending on who you talk to. But regardless of your thoughts on the place, it is the best place in town for a gay man's hookup, both the ones you brag about and the ones you try and pretend never happened. (Or so I hear.) Either way, Central on a Saturday night is hardly a wash. It's a great place for anyone and everyone to dance your cares away, hook-up or no.

+ Brewers Art. Though my girlfriends and I struck out last weekend, I still standby this place as a prime spot. "I would agree on Brewer's Art for the girls looking for guys that aren't glued to the tv set watching a game," writes BaltAmour reader Dredded One. "I hate the place because I consider it a Helmet Fest." I'm not quite sure what a Helmet Fest is, but he does nail it on the head. There are no TVs (and thankfully, no more smoke), so more chance to get him to keep his eye on YOU.

+ Ottobar. I'm stealing this one from the City Paper, but they're actually right on target: Loud music, cheap drink specials and a lack of other options that are walkable at night are a recipe for disaster magic.

+ Sappho's. I am listing this place, mostly in jest, because I am convinced there is no great place to find some lady love in town. You can slum it at Coconuts over by Maryland General or you can get your dance on at Grand Central and then head upstairs to Sapphos, the newest lesbian spot that was opened after Charm City's lesbo mecca, Gallagher's, closed in Canton last year. At very least, it is a nice chill spot to have a beer, shoot some pool and talk, and there's a smallish dance floor to get your dirty dance on with your Miss Right Now.

(Photo by CraigPJ at stock.xchng)

Shut your brain off.

2008-06-27T19:40:13Z

After yesterday's post on making the move, I figured this comic was appropriate:

(From xkcd.com)

Making the move

2008-06-26T19:00:40Z

What do you do when the person you're with is preparing to move away? Here's a situation posted on Sex & Moxie:

Woman and man date each other for six months, exclusively. Man mentions he's considering moving to cheaper place to start own business. Takes woman with him to scout potential new town. A short while later, he announces that he is going to move at the end of the summer. But:

There has never been any talk of a future between us nor there was any last night. We kept the conversation pretty short. He was also distant. didn't try to get "busy" and was less affectionate than his usual self. This is after not seeing each other for a whole week.

So- my question is: Do I have a talk with him about the whole where do we stand - or - should I just start to distant myself from him... for example, we have a date on Friday night (which is really the whole weekend). Should I just bring up some excuse and cancel?

]]> This girl is acting like a fraidy cat -- she needs to go ahead and have The Move talk. But her situation does highlight a valid issue. There's nothing like change and uncertainty to make people take a look at their lives and relationships. I know I haven't been the only one to play the "what if" game with my S.O. "Would you move to Hawaii with me?" one of my friends joked with her boyfriend the other day.

But it's a very serious question. At what point is it reasonable to want (or expect) your significant other to move with you (or stay around)? And how do you make a decision?

(Photo from jynmeyer at stock.xchng)

How NOT to make a girl like you

2008-06-26T18:00:39Z

A friend told me this story last night and it was just so crazy that I had to share it.

Girl is out at the club, runs into a guy. He's feeling her, but she's not feeling him so much. He asks for her number, she says no. His response? Pull out a gun and ask her again.

Because that's totally how you win a woman over -- through threats of violence. My friend said she learned from that incident to be friendly to all potential suitors, even in your rejections, because you never know how they might act.

I agree, to an extent. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and a lot of times, a guy can accept a smile and a "no" better than a head toss and a walk away. As my friend said last night, you can say no in a nice way that still leaves their pride in tact. But harassment is unacceptable, whether it's on the streets or in the club.*

____
* Surprise, surprise -- it wasn't in Baltimore. It was D.C.!

A ride in the way-back machine

2008-06-26T15:04:34Z

Over at The Diva's Random Thoughts, she mentions a friend's daughter's Sweet 16:

... several times I noticed that the boys stood on one side of the floor while the girls stood on the other. I don't think they once intermingled enough to dance with each other.
I looked at one of my girlfriends that were there and said, "Look at them! Were we ever like that?"
Her answer "NO!"
I've been trying to remember back to the dark ages when I was their age and wondered if we were like that. Scared to interact and dance with one another. Too shy to really get too close to the opposite sex.

Ah, high school. I honestly don't remember being 16 and afraid to dance with boys, either. Dancing was fun! And I'm actually a little surprised that the youngin's at her party were afraid to dance with each other. I thought teens these days weren't shy about booty dancing and such. (My theory: They were shy about doing it in front of adults.) That's one of the lessons we learned in high school, after one of my friends was dancing a bit too provocatively and was ushered off the dance floor by her father: Don't let them know you know too much.

There were other more valuable romantic lessons learned in high school:

]]> + If there isn't a spark, don't try to force it, no matter how perfect your friends say y'all are for each other. (A valuable lesson: All my dates for major events came out after high school. None of them were surprises.)
+ If you like someone, say something. Don't sit and wait for them to catch the hint.

What lessons did you learn in high school?

Swinging and polyamory, oh my!

2008-06-25T18:40:10Z

I'm running behind today, folks. First day back at work is always a little hard, sloughing through the piles of e-mail, catching up with co-workers... but you don't want to hear the excuses! You just want the news!

Well, speaking of inbox messages, Liz Kay of the lovely Consuming Interests blog, forwarded me an e-mail press release about LoveVoodoo.com, which is billed as "your adult lifestyle dating site." Aimed at people who are interested in everything from swinging to casual dating to fetish to bukakke (I had to look that last one up; I'll refer you to Wikipedia for that one. I'm blushing just thinking about explaining it.), the makers of the site are pressed to assure you that swinging was not just for your hippie parents in the 70s. Swinging is alive and well.

Non-monogamy does appear to be on the minds of many lately, perhaps with the start of CBS' show called Swingtown. Psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich wrote about polyamory over at the Huffington Post, where she questioned our assumptions about monogamy. "Does a monogamous marriage equal a good marriage?" she asked:

]]> I talked about this with Neil Cavuto on Fox TV, who sneered at my answer that "it's better to have a truthful relationship, where both people are happy, and that is not monogamous, than one that is supposedly monogamous but is full of lies and guilt." Or a monogamous relationship that is bored and resentful but, gosh darn it, we are the emblem of a successful marriage even if we haven't had sex with each other since World War I.

Hmm. Interesting thought. That is probably one of my biggest fears about monogamy -- becoming so mired in routine and other real-life stuff that you become bored with each other. Like I've said before, that's a lot of fried chicken. But I question whether you're trading one difficulty -- keeping your monogomous relationship fresh -- for another: Juggling loving your partner and others, and negotiating all of the emotions involved therein.

I'm curious to hear others' polyamory stories. Have you ever dipped your toes in the multiple-lover pool? Are you interested but never tried? If you are, here's a couple local starting points: The Chesapeake Polyamory Network offers support and activities for interested parties, and there are a few polyamory Meetup groups. (The closest one appears to be in Laurel.

(Photo by jonnyberg at stock.xchng)