Swinging and polyamory, oh my!
I'm running behind today, folks. First day back at work is always a little hard, sloughing through the piles of e-mail, catching up with co-workers... but you don't want to hear the excuses! You just want the news!
Well, speaking of inbox messages, Liz Kay of the lovely Consuming Interests blog, forwarded me an e-mail press release about LoveVoodoo.com, which is billed as "your adult lifestyle dating site." Aimed at people who are interested in everything from swinging to casual dating to fetish to bukakke (I had to look that last one up; I'll refer you to Wikipedia for that one. I'm blushing just thinking about explaining it.), the makers of the site are pressed to assure you that swinging was not just for your hippie parents in the 70s. Swinging is alive and well.
Non-monogamy does appear to be on the minds of many lately, perhaps with the start of CBS' show called Swingtown. Psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich wrote about polyamory over at the Huffington Post, where she questioned our assumptions about monogamy. "Does a monogamous marriage equal a good marriage?" she asked:
I talked about this with Neil Cavuto on Fox TV, who sneered at my answer that "it's better to have a truthful relationship, where both people are happy, and that is not monogamous, than one that is supposedly monogamous but is full of lies and guilt." Or a monogamous relationship that is bored and resentful but, gosh darn it, we are the emblem of a successful marriage even if we haven't had sex with each other since World War I.
Hmm. Interesting thought. That is probably one of my biggest fears about monogamy -- becoming so mired in routine and other real-life stuff that you become bored with each other. Like I've said before, that's a lot of fried chicken. But I question whether you're trading one difficulty -- keeping your monogomous relationship fresh -- for another: Juggling loving your partner and others, and negotiating all of the emotions involved therein.
I'm curious to hear others' polyamory stories. Have you ever dipped your toes in the multiple-lover pool? Are you interested but never tried? If you are, here's a couple local starting points: The Chesapeake Polyamory Network offers support and activities for interested parties, and there are a few polyamory Meetup groups. (The closest one appears to be in Laurel.
(Photo by jonnyberg at stock.xchng)
Comments
I know that you're blogging, and that the Sun keeps cutting staff. But could you at least run a spellcheck and see that the correct words are "monogamy" and "monogamous"?
Even if you were guessing, based on how _polygamy_ was spelled, you'd have had a reasonable chance of spelling it correctly.
[sigh]
Posted by: LF Velez | June 25, 2008 5:44 PM
LF, as a blogger, I stand corrected. And as a copy editor, I stand ashamed.
However, give a girl a bit of a break. Ever have those words that you always misspell? Monogamy is one of those words for me. (Perhaps that's signs of a deeper trouble? :-D) And though I do remember to check behind myself 98% of the time, I am fallible.
Consider my wrist slapped.
Posted by: maryann | June 25, 2008 6:41 PM
Is that the best this post can draw?!? A spelling tutorial?!?
I hold the belief that if it doesn't happen twice w/ the same person, then its not cheating. We all experience urges and desires outside of the regular, why resist that natural temptation?
Just make sure both parties are in agreement before taking up this philosophy.
Posted by: MP | June 26, 2008 11:24 AM
I agree with MP. I don't know if I've ever read a post critiquing (oh wait..did I spell that right?) spelling errors. You've gotta (I KNOW I spelled THAT wrong) be kidding me.
Couple HAVE to remain mongamous because any disparaging outside influence is going to be a bad one. I seriously doubt there are any healthy flings that can exist out side of a monogamous relationship.
Posted by: Dredded One | June 26, 2008 12:44 PM
Remember that article on settling? I think it's interesting that, despite Gottlieb's continual references there to miserable marriages and the troubled plunge she herself took into single parenthood, and despite all her talk of spouse-as-business-partner-in-childrearing, the idea of a voluntarily nonmonogamous parenting relationship was not even HINTED at anywhere in that article. It seems non-monogamous relationships are still widely viewed by women as a fate worse than settling or single motherhood.
But from a purely rational standpoint, if you're having trouble finding The One person who can fill all your needs (for sex, for companionship, for co-parenting), why shouldn't you try to find multiple people who can do so collectively? Divorced parents who still share custody have essentially done just that: they've decided they couldn't be everything to each other but they still maintain a childrearing relationship. And most couples do a little bit of this all the time anyway, insofar as they have friends/relatives besides just their partner who serve companionship needs, and sometimes even help fill in some parenting gaps.
Why does your relationship with a person with whom you have sex need to be an all-or-nothing affair?
Posted by: JK | June 26, 2008 1:16 PM