Ok, so this was waaaaaay back in my sophomore year of high school.

To set things off on the right foot, let me say that I was dating my friends ex, who had broke up with him, no less than 2 weeks ago.

She was a nice girl, very top heavy, which obviously appealed to my sensible 10th grade interests, so we started dating casually. Mind you this is still the 10th grade, so dating consisted of us telling our parents we were going to "the mall", and then meeting in the shoe dept. of Macy's. We were secret agents like that.

Anyways, things are going as well as they could for 2 months or so, until I heard that she had gone to a party without me and made out with an ex of hers.

That’s pretty much a deal breaker as it is nowadays, but back then, it was as if she had literally time traveled, got her surgical degree, and cut my heart out.

But what’s a heart broken 10th grader, not in the most rational mindset to do? Call her and break up of course. So I called her house, and got the answering machine. A rational person would've hung up and tried again, but not me, my sorrow knew no bounds.

So I left a message. "Hey (name withheld) I just wanted to let you know, that I heard what you did with Mark, and it's over. I guess I finally got the smoke out of my eyes. We're done."

Smoke out of my eyes? It was as if I was channeling Faust himself.

After I was done, I obviously felt fantastic about what I just did, and I went along my merry way. It didn't hit me until about an hour later that I was now equal to, or greater than Attila the Hun in terms of cruelty.

Did I regret it? Of course. Did I try and apologize? Good lord, no. As luck would have it, this all happened over the summer, and she went to a different school the next semester.

So that, is probably the absolute worst thing I’ve ever said to someone while breaking up with them.

Dear Baby,

Welcome to Dumpsville.

Population: You.

Three simple words: I am gay.

And conversely, if you are in a homosexual relationship...

Three simple words: I am straight.

Or...

I must leave you. Why I cannot say. Where I am going you cannot know. How I will get there I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name... . And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages.

I like this one:

"I'm pretty damn cool, but you suck and you're bringing my stock price down."

Better yet.

"It's you cause it damn sure ain't me."
or
"Everyone with a boyfriend raise their hand...not so fast you."

Oh the line I hate and shamefully have used before: "I need some space. Okay I need a lot of space, for an undetermined amount of time."

Poor Sap: Do you think we'll get back together?

"You know, I think we shouldn't rush that. We should date other people and see how things work out."

I've used the "I think God is delivering me from Homosexuality" line before. I've also used "When I look at my future I don't see you in it"

I'm married to the sea.

hee hee ... bryanintimonium wins!

I don't remember the first few words, but a guy I dated broke up with me over instant messenger. The next line entered was a frowny face.

Heather, did you date Sam Sessa? :(

The contest is over...bryanintimonium gets it.

"as your waistline grows, my love thins"

I have also used the "I need space"... and then changed my phone number.

I have also been known to pick on things that are unchangeable in other people so that there is no hope of reconciliation.

example: "I know that I am really shallow, but I just don't see myself ultimately committing to a man who is shorter than six feet. I'm sorry."

Also: "I can't be with a man whose butt is smaller than mine."

Is that wrong?

After over a year of exclusivity, a friend found my BF's profile on a dating site (where I had first met him). When confronted, he said, "I didn't think you would mind if I looked around a bit." Then later, "My therapist can't explain it...you're wonderful and I should be very happy." I had to break it off myself. Scary that a former Marine didn't even have the balls to do it himself.

Oh, and then there was the guy who left a note on my door 2 days before Christmas that he had met someone else. Not happy at the time, but I definitely prefer his honesty.

hah, winner:

I think I'm falling in love with you and then we'll have to move in and get married and have kids and I don't even know if I want kids. I can't do this.

Runners up:

I'm married.

I'm just not boyfriend material.

I'm moving to [faraway country].

Not telling which of these I'm guilty of...