Here's a question I can only ask a lesbian (or you). How do you feel about who pays for the date? I just hate the moment when the check comes. So I prefer to just pay for dinner and have it be over and done with. I'd be uncomfortable with the other person paying and I feel like if just one person pays then it's more of a date - so that leaves me to pay. But does that make a person uncomfortable? What do kids do these days?

Ahhh. The age-old question of who pays. It's age-old because nobody knows.

I think there is no hard and fast rule. When I was dating men, I'd generally let them pay. (Of course, that was mostly in high school/early college.) When I was dating women, I'd generally split the check, at least on the first date, though it still would be a little awkward when the check came. After the first date, I'd go by the rule of who asked whom out.

Now, being a fuddy duddy in a relationship, it doesn't really matter anymore, though I kinda still go by the who asked whom out rule. I think that rule works out best in all situations. But that doesn't account for other factors -- male or butch egos, people's comfort levels, finances, etc.

Help my friend L out. How do you negotiate the situation when the bill comes?
 

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The [crappy] thing about dating, I've learned, is that sometimes you just don't get that much sought after closure that you'd like. You have to understand...nobody likes to deal with confrontation. Nobody likes to have those uncomfortable conversations. And many, many people are just not invested enough in other people's happiness or well-being to care enough to provide that closure. So you have to give it to yourself. You do that by assessing the situation, seeing where you went wrong, acknolwedging it and moving on.

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I was once in a relationship with a guy who had a shoddy family health history. He was an athlete, and physically he was in great shape, but his cholesterol was high and he'd already had an operation on his heart. To make matters worse, his father and grandfather both came down with serious diseases early in life. As I imagined the possibility of spending the rest of my life with him, I couldn't help but worry that the future we'd have together could be cut short.

Marissa makes the point that anyone's health can go any time, but pondered if pre-existing health conditions could be a sign that you need to drop him.

Apart from obvious comments about genetics and survival of the fittest, is it really that serious? Mr. Perfect volunteers at the soup kitchen, but his grandmother has diabetes. He's out. Miss Lovely totally gets me but she has high cholesterol and a family history of hypertension. Since when did dating become akin to applying for health insurance? Perhaps we are becoming too choosy.

Or do you disagree? Do you think Marissa has a point?

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1. Got curves? Curves has become the nice way to say you're not rail skinny. In other words, you're fat. And since you're fat, we're going to give you a list of tricks ("fixes") that will cover up your pounds of blubber.

2. Finding your happy weight. Since we've already established that you're fat, we're gonna tell you how to be OK with your weight. Even though it's not. Think we're wrong? Look at our models!

3. Dating now. Dating is harder. You might as well give up now.

4. Jennifer Garner. Now that we've established that you're fat and dateless, you can read about a celebrity who already has a nice body, is ambitious and has "tamed" her man. You want to know how to tame your man, don't you? That is, if you can find one now that dating is so hard.

5. 99 pages of beauty. So you know what to buy and wear so you can trap your man.

6. Test your sex IQ. You have to know can how good or bad you are in bed. That way, you singletons can catch a man and tame him like Jennifer Garner did to Ben!

7. Bags & Shoes. Because you can fill the void of your singleton loneliness with pretty material goods.

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You're walking down the street with your sweetie and a particularly tasty piece of eye candy walks past. Your boo gives a look as Tasty McYummy walks past.

Is that a punishable offense?

I say no. I'm wont to glance at eye candy too. If I can look, why can't my S.O.?

According to David Zinczenko over at Mysteries of the Sexes Explained, Men's Health recently did a survey on whether men will ogle when their significant other is there. According to the survey, he says:

+ 53 percent say that if the opening's there, they'll take it
+ 28 percent say they'll do it only in extreme cases, or if wearing sunglasses
+ 19 percent say they'd never do it, because they'd like to keep their parts properly attached

I'm with the 53 percent. You're not dead to everyone else when you commit to someone; the fact that you chose to be with this person over other viable candidates is what makes commitment so special. And if other people can turn your head, you might as well acknowledge it openly. Not stop-in-your-tracks-howl-at-the-moon-catcall acknowledge it -- that IS a punishable offense, on many levels -- but a look, a glance, is fine by me. We're human.

I know that part of the fear of those who take offense at an S.O.'s wandering eye is that the rest of their boo will eventually wander too. But as Zinczenko points out on his blog, there are other factors that are better predictors of infidelity than a stare. Like past history. Or your sweetie's interaction with people they see every day.

And when it comes down to it, it's all about trust. If you are secure in your relationship and know that your sugar won't stray, a look means nothing, right?

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"If a relationship is based on authoritarian control, keeping one
person on top and the other underneath, it gets old pretty fast — for
both partners, really," said Ogden, a Boston sex therapist who
surveyed 3,810 people for her book "The Heart and Soul of Sex."
       "In an egalitarian relationship, there is more flow of give and
take," she said, "and that's the romantic tension. That tension — the
sexual desire — is in that space between you where you're able to flow
back and forth."
       In her experience, said Ogden, "where there's caring, sharing,
openness and honesty, sexual satisfaction increases. It not only feels
good now, but it is likely to get better and better as you age."

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Michaelle (pronounced like Michael) grew up in West Baltimore and was raised by her dad.

"It was just the two of us, till he got married," she says. "...I'm my daddy’s baby."

Possibly because of their close bond, he dad is a tough nut to crack, especially for would-be suitors.

"Nobody met my dad until my boyfriend before my fiance," she says. "My dad was always really strict, and my friends thought he was so mean until they got to know him."

Name, age, status:
Michaelle Weaver, 24, engaged.

Where she calls home:
downtown/Gay Street neighborhood.

How she makes a living:
She works for Baltimore City child support.
Michaelle's also studying business management at Catonsville Community College. 
She says she eventually wants to "own her own business and perhaps open up her own homeless shelter."

How he proposed:
Michaelle and her fiance met in the military -- they're both Marines. They've been together two and a half years and have a 14-month-old son. Her fiance proposed on Father's Day.
"We were actually home, getting ready for church and we were kind of having a falling out," she says. "...I was upset. And he was like, ‘Well, I was gonna wait...’" 
She says that the argument had started over gifts -- she didn't get a Mother's Day gift.
"It was Father’s Day morning, and I had given his gift and stuff and I had just gotten upset," she says. "He was gonna give it [the ring] to me on Mother’s Day. Of course, I didn’t know, and the day didn’t go as he had planned."

Best date:
Her idea of a fantastic date is simple, she says:
"I just like it when we have some time to ourselves, we’ll see a movie, have something to eat, those are good dates."
But, when it comes down to it, she says she's not really the dating kind, never has been.

Is dating dead?
Just because she's not a dating person doesn't mean she thinks the whole practice is a lost art. "I think dates are still pretty popular," she says. "...It’s easy to just say 'Hey let’s go see a movie, get something to eat.'"
 
Her ideal mate:
Educated.
Has a job.
Someone who's financially stable: "Nothing like being rich, but at least somebody who’s not in debt terribly."
Attractiveness is essential too: "Of course, good looking. I want something nice to look at," she laughs.
Also: "Someone who can definitely hold a conversation. And someone who’s definitely into family."
 
Has her fiance changed her vision of her ideal?
"I think he has changed it a bit. I used to be into guys taking me out and giving me things."
She says he has changed her views of what's important. "When you get into a more serious relationship, it’s not about going out all the time and getting things," she says. "It’s really a partnership and how you work for each other and with each other."
Her current relationship has made her less selfish, she says.
"It’s not about me. Before, I was like, 'I wanna go here and do that' and 'Can you get me this and that' ... Now it’s more of a partnership, it’s 50-50. You make up where he lacks, he fills where you lack."

Opinion of the Baltimore dating scene?
"I don’t think it’s that good," she says.
People's priorities are off, she thinks.
"The people are just completely different nowadays. The women are into what kind of cars they drive and how they dress. ...And some of the guys are just into who they can get with."
But she says it's not limited to Baltimore.
"I think it’s more of a generation thing," she says. "That’s anywhere."

Best place to meet people:
"I think Fells Point is a pretty good social area. Definitely anywehere downtown, [like] the harbor, where you can walk and pass people and stop and talk."

Favorite neighborhood:
"When I lived in Bolton Hill, that was probably my favorite," she says. "It's just so pretty."
From the big brick houses to the brownstones and grassy spaces it was a nice area to live in and ride her bike, she says. "I love it."

Deal-breakers?
"I don’t like laziness at all."
Chatty Chads are a no-no for her, too.
"He can’t talk more than me,"she says. "... I like to get the last word."
Men who don't have a sense of self are also thrown quickly into the reject pile.
"I don’t like somebody that’s not independent," she says. "... A friend used to have, he was just ... sometimes I felt like his mother." 
And clean man is the way to her heart.
"I don’t like anybody that’s not clean and looks nice and smells good."

Best thing about being with someone:
"Always having somebody around."

Worst thing about being with someone:
"Cleaning up after somebody. Even if it’s just something little, like washing extra dishes. When it’s just you, everything can be in place and they way you like it."

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Lauren is a Cali girl, from San Francisco. She got a bachelor's in political communications  -- "Nothing you can get any kind of job with," she says -- then trekked across the country to study nursing.

After working with a nurse practitioner who dealt with a lot of women's health and gay rights issues, she decided that that was her career path. She found her focus at the Baltimore Juvenile Justice Center: young people.

"The kids were amazing," she said. "I think that's the whole reason to do it. They're so much fun. They're good kids that have made bad choices."

Ultimately, she wants to run her own teen clinic, preferably in the inner city.

"Baltimore was a great move for me," she says. "... I'm the only person who would say I wanted to come here for the crime, and I wanted to come here for the STDs."

Name, age, status:

Essentials for an ideal mate:
1. Smart.
2. Funny.
3. Good listener.
And there's some other key elements, too: "An overall good guy who's just willing to understand certain ideas -- hold the door open for old people, give up your seat when somone pregnant or old is standing up on the bus. Just normal things," she says.
"But really, it's just intelligent, can make me laugh and be there for me. And good to his friends."

Thoughts on the dating scene:
She dated a for about a year before she met her fiance.
"I learned not to meet guys at bars because that's where I met a lot of the guys I dated," she says. "And not to meet somebody at work. I dated a guy at work, and that was not good. Not a wise move."
She says she learned it's best to hold off on office romances, "unless it's gonna work out. But if it doesn't work out, it just gets really awkward. And even if it does -- I know people who date at work -- it's just awkward. They're always around.
Because I'm a nurse, you see a lot of nurses dating doctors. And the doctors are constantly around."
She doesn't completely knock picking up people in bars: "I know so many people it works for, it's just, for me, I'm not one of those lucky people. Guys I met at the bar are not what I would call the best men in the world. Some of them are great guys, just not for me."

How did she meet her fiance?
Playing intramural inner tube water polo.
"It was the day -- I love this story -- It was the day I took my boards for nursing, and I was just in a bad mood, I didn't think I did well, and my friend, who's also in his program, said, 'Well, we need a girl to play this, maybe it'll make you feel better,' and I met him.
"And the funny thing is, when I met him, he was wearing a fraternity shirt, and I was like, 'Oh, this is a dumb jock, whatever,' and he took off his shirt and I was like, 'He's attractive. Dumb, but he's attractive,'" she says. "And then I got to talking to him and I was like, 'He's not stupid.'
"So, I can't say it was love at first sight. I'm sure he can't say it either."

Best way to meet people:
She says through friends. Through school isn't a bad way either, though as a nurse, your options are limited. "It's a little bit harder when you're a nurse and all you are around is girls," she says.
But a lot of nurses she knows end up going the co-worker route.
"I work in the ER, so I meet a lot of nurses who are dating firefighters or medics because that's who you interact with who aren't at the hospital constantly.
"That way they're not really there. And in the hospital, it's OK to date somebody in the hospital, just not on on your floor. It's kind of like when you were in college, there was dormcest? It's the same thing in the hospital. Just don't date somebody on your floor. No patients either."
She's also still a proponent of dating friends, but they have their downside too.
"Ideally friends, but then if things don't work out, then friends have to choose sides. ... There's never a good answer for that. of cheese."

Deal-breakers:
"Some of them are kinda ridiculous," she says.
"Someone who is anti-choice," she says. "Someone who's racist or homophobic or anything like that."
Idiots need not apply too, she says, and there's also one other thing: "And no goody-goodies. Never smoked, never drank, never did drugs, that's just too good. And not that I'm a huge freak or anything. ... those are kind of the ones I stay away from."

On Internet dating:
She says she thinks it works if you're really committed to it and go in with the knowledge that people aren't going to be completely truthful.
"There was a guy on there who said he was 5'4." And I was like, I'm 5'2", 5'3", no big deal," she says. "This guy was not 5'4". I was taller than him."
And men aren't the only cuprits, she says. "You'll have the women who say 'I weigh 100 pounds.' And even if you're thin, you're not 100 pounds. Just be honest."

Best thing about being with someone:
"On a bad day, he's always there for me. I've had a couple of bad days and I'll come home -- we live together -- and he'll have dinner prepared, and flowers. It's just really nice to have that. Or somebody to cuddle with. ... Even when you're lonely and you're sad and when you're happy he's there."

Worst thing about being with someone:
Losing friends.
"It's hard," she says. "I had a friend that was single for a while. And she'd always be like, 'You talk to him all the time. You hang out together all the time.' And now that she's dating, she's doing the same thing. 'You were right, I understand now.'"
To counteract that, they try to include single friends, invite everyone out. But it doesn't always work out, she says.
"It's hard for single people no matter what you do. You guys are sitting across the room from each other and they're like, 'Oh I just feel like a third wheel.' ... I think that's an issue with you and not reality."

And lastly, if she could date anyone in history:
50 Cent -- "I think 50 Cent is so hot. I would just love to go out with him for just a little bit. He seems like he's smart. I'm gonna go with that." -- or Bill Clinton: "Because he just seems like he's got some weird sex appeal and he is smart."

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There are two types of women that men hang with. The ones they'd screw but never date, and the ones they'd date openly in public. You're the former, for this guy at least. They only "date" a certain "type" of woman. But for sex? They aren't as picky. Not sure who does this more - men or women. I've heard a story hear or there about women who do this but I've mostly only heard of men who do it. Usually it's because the woman isn't as attractive as they think she should be, or she's not from the same social class or soemthing like that. Whatever it is, she's not someone he wishes to hang with in public.

A few guy friends have explained this to me before, although one friend of mine said that a lot of times, it's not a matter of someone you'd want to be seen in public with; it's usually more of a matter of how the relationship started. If it started as a sex-based relationship, it cannot then transfer to a more-datey, non-fling situation.

And, according to these guys, the problem comes up when some women try to "get in" through sex and then transfer into long-term girlfriend. They'll meet a successful, upwardly mobile cute guy who is hoing around, sowing his wild oats, hook up with him and then try to stick around until he's ready to settle down, they say. It doesn't work that way, they say.

I'm a little grossed out by this logic. But I can also see their point a little bit -- If the offer is for a limited time only, you can't haggle it into a lifetime offer.

What do you think? And is it just men who do this or think this way? I suspect not.

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For Saturday's column, I'm writing about bringing S.O.s home for Thanksgiving dinner. It's funny how some people can see it as nothing major at all, while others see it as a huge deal, so much so that they would rarely ever do it.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, so instead of bringing my boyfriend home, I'm bringing the family to us. I think bringing someone home is a bit of a big deal, only because you're exposing your boo to the family crazy. It's kind of like that phrase, if you want to know what she'll look like in 30 years, look at her mother, except worse. In my case, that means a by-the-Bible grandmother, add a dash of family drama, and Boyfriend's father, who is very off-the-cuff. My cousin has already asked where the alcohol is stashed.

Just to give you an idea, here's a picture of my family back in the day:

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