I wonder if I'll see you this Tea time. I bet you will ignore me like you did all my texts. I'll ignore you too - but, I'll know you're there. I need to save some face. I heard you have a girl now and that you are even living together. I'm happy for you. I hope she doesn't [expletive] up like I did. You deserve a good girl. Just know that no other girl has ever made me think "What if" or kissed me the way you kissed. I doubt you will read this but if you do...
Howe I miss you.

And here's one titled, "In the Awkward Aisle at IKEA Friday Night":

We ran into each other again, this time at IKEA. Too awkward, as we were both with other people. Last time it was in the Metro station. How many times do we have to drop into each other's laps before you ask me for coffee/lunch? Don't be shy; I'll say yes.

Missed connections is an interesting cross-section of love and life in Baltimore. But I'm curious: Does it ever work? 

Posted by Maryann James at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Music is (for me) the make or break subject when it comes to dating. It doesn't matter how other things may attract me to a woman, if she listens to Yanni or Elton John i'm not going to be interested. I usually try to get a drift of what she is into before i ask her out. Some people might think this an odd trait to base my dates on, but music is a HUGE part of my life, so my significant other needs to be compatible there.

I can understand this to a fault. With one ex, I knew there was no future when she fell asleep during one of my favorite movies, a movie I'd made a big deal about watching. Our constant battles over the radio station also put one more tick mark in the negative column for our relationship. My friends rag on me about this all of the time, but taste does matter!

That said, I can't go as far as Don and say it's the end-all be-all. It's nice to have standards, but a lot of those are meant to broken for someone you really like.

Heather, 29, says that she thinks that music taste accounts for something -- "I think it's an extension of a person's personality," she says. "It hints at what's underneath." -- but you can't base all relationships on that.

"I think if you're really attracted to that person," it won't matter, she says. For instance, she's not really into country, but if she met a great guy, "You'll make yourself like it."

I'm with her. But we're also self-described "flexible" women. What do you think? 

Posted by Maryann James at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Guy asks girl out. She agrees, seems interested, tells Guy to call her
at the end of the week to set up time, place, etc. Guy does so, leaves
message. Girl does not call or text back. Guy waits a couple of days,
tries again, again nothing. Guy waits until following week, texts
girl, still no response. Guy is now perplexed and frustrated.

I am told this is the "freeze-out," which is this context means, "I
know I said yes, but now I'm saying no, and I don't have the balls
and/or interest to explain to you why."

It makes no sense to me, however. Seems to me that from the get-go,
Girl is interested or she's not, and says yes or no accordingly. But I
claim no insight on the feminine mind. And I am sure men do this as
well (but not me). Perhaps you could shed some light. Thanks.

Now, I've had men ask me (and my fabulous substitute blogger, Anica) before, so I figured I'd nip this in the bud.

Here's my two cents:

1. Sometimes a girl can be somewhat interested, but then figures out that she isn't (or she isn't as mad with her boyfriend anymore). However, if that's the case, she should have the courtesy to tell you she's not interested.

2. Sometimes a girl just says yes to a date to get you off their back. Then when you call, they don't answer because you didn't get the signals before that she really just wasn't interested. 

Either way, everybody just needs to get a clue. Men, i know it's hard sometimes, but pay attention. The nonverbal clues of no interest are there if you just look. And women, if you're not that interested, let him know and he'll stop calling you in the middle of dinner. You don't have to do much, a simple text message would suffice.

Perhaps I'm being too simplistic. Am I missing something?

Posted by Maryann James at 8:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
                    

While I was out the other night at a happy hour, the conversation inevitably turned to Baltimore's dating scene. And almost everyone I talked to said that the Baltimore dating scene is dead.

One of the problems, one of the men said, is that there are too few single women in Baltimore. And those who are single don't know how to date. That they just want to jump straight from first date to boyfriend. In L.A., it's totally different, he says.

Well, I won't argue that Baltimore is no L.A. (And that's not necessarily a bad thing.) But I refuse to believe that the Baltimore dating scene is the nation's worst. I will admit the scene is a little depressing at times, but I swear I've seen plenty of singletons out there. And few women I know are relationship harpies, latching onto the first viable candidate they meet. Either way, me and L.A. Lover have made a bet: On any given Saturday night, if you do a survey at a local bar, you will find that no more than 20 percent of the visually available (meaning women without rings) are actually available.

I think he's wrong. But perhaps I'm just optimistic.

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When it comes to love songs, there are the standards -- "At Last," Etta Jones; "Unchained Melody, "Righteous Brothers," anything by Sade -- but everyone's taste is different. (Take this EW list of the best love songs of all time. I think it's mostly all wrong.)

Jeff Buckley's "Lover, You Should've Come Over " would probably be on my list; so would Jill Scott's "He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat)." That's just off the top of my head. 

What are your favorite love songs of all time? Bonus points if you have a story.

Posted by Maryann James at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
                    

Say you put together a playlist/mixed CD for one significant other, can you down the line recycle some of that music in another playlist/mixed CD for a completely different person? Can I get a ruling on that? Is that bad form?

I'm a little wary of that. You're running the risk of the new date really liking one of the songs that the old flame liked, and it becoming "your" song. Then awkwardness ensues, and that situation could get way too close to calling new flame by old flame's name. I know it's a long shot, but it's an icky enough possibility for me to say no. Also, I'd have to say that I'd feel a little offended if I found out that a date's playlist made me is a bit of a rehash of an old date's playlist. It's like regifting with an ex's gift.

However, I must admit that I have fallen in gray area with that before -- I put a song ("Dos Gardenias," by Buena Vista Social Club), introduced to me by an ex, on an apologetic playlist for another S.O. It wasn't "our" song, but it was definitely a special song at some point. I think that's not completely right either.

But what is the line? If you date a lot of people, eventually you'll run out of (good) songs to use, right?

Posted by Maryann James at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

When my college ex and I started dating, we traded mix CDs. I remember I would spend hours on the CDs, arranging and rearranging, making sure each song flowed into the next, spending hours on the cover artwork, agonizing over the lyrics of each song, making sure that each song in some way described how I felt.

The CDs we traded back and forth were another way of getting to know each other. That first CD reflected the random mishmash of music I was into at the moment -- Bjork ("I Miss You") and the Beatles ("Julia") are just two that come to mind. She was into Dave Matthews and questionable soft rock that was cute at the time because we were at that stage when everything is adorable. (Even if they blow snot bubbles.) And now, years later, there are still songs from those tapes that I hear and am immediately transported back.

The mix tape, done well, can show a lot about a person. But because the mix tape has so much power, you have to be careful. If you're just starting dating, you can't put anything too sappy. And if you're dating, you can't put anything too angry or negative -- unless you're trying to send a message. And that's on top of all of the basic mixtape rules!

What about you? What's the best playlist/mixtape/mix CD you made for a paramour? Is it part of your dating strategy? (One date gave me a mix CD on our second date.) And has anyone had any mixtapes go wrong?

Posted by Maryann James at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

I was out at Babalu Grill at Power Plant Live Saturday night for a friend's going-away party. On top of them running out of mint at 10 p.m. (no mojito ingredients at a Cuban spot on a Saturday night?), the mix of people there was the weirdest I had ever seen anywhere: cougars, fratty boys, bachelorette parties, young things in little shorts in high heels, men sporting questionable sparkly collars, groups of 20-something women out for girls' night out and middle-aged men doing peculiar dance moves.

It was weird.

However, the highlight of the night was on the dance floor. I get plenty of comments, e-mails, etc. from men who say it is hard to tell when women are interested or not. Well, one particular man has prompted me to issue a public service announcement for men, on dance floor signals and etiquette:

1. If you want to dance with a woman, do not take the "sneak attack" approach -- Abruptly moving behind the woman and dancing as if you were already there. At very least, make eye contact first.
2. If her friends are making funny faces, that is not a good sign. Also, just because she takes your picture does not mean she likes you. She could be preserving your image as proof for a crazy story later.
3. If the woman disappears for substantial lengths of time, she is not interested in dancing with you again. Take the hint and move on.
   

Posted by Maryann James at 3:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

One of my favorite movies of all time is High Fidelity. Aside from my love of John Cusack (yes, he plays the same person in every movie, but he does it well), I love how music plays such a huge part in his thoughts and actions. For him, a life without music would be akin to changing to black-and-white after living in Technicolor.

But it's not like that is particularly unusual. Music affects us all. It's the soundtrack to our lives. And it seems it plays loudest in the prime moments of our love life. When you're first dating, your taste in music is usually one of the first subjects broached. When you're in love, all the happy songs sound like they're tailored to you. When you're together, you have a song. When you break up, those same songs you loved before seem to taunt you.

So, what better end-of-summer topic than love and music? How has music colored your love life?

Posted by Maryann James at 1:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

This week's guilty pleasure is related to Wednesday's excursion: cruising the self-help section of the bookstore. And since this is a practice, and not a link, I'll make this week's guilty pleasure a how-to. You're bored on a Sunday? Here's what to do.

For this to work, you have to go with a friend -- for deniability -- and this can only be pulled off when nobody else is in the section.

With friend in tow and the coast clear, plop yourself down into the self-help section and let your fingers do the walking. Cruising the titles is great fun (one of my favorites from Wednesday: Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need Shoes) but the don't judge a book just by its cover. Delve inside! There are tons of tips and ideas on the pages (see: chapters on hygiene) that will give you at least a good 15 minutes (depending on the size of the section) of enjoyment.

Now, this is not to say that the self-help/romance section is worthless. You may stumble upon some good books, too. But like every section of the store, there are five billion bad books for every good one. And the topic of romance and dating just ups the stakes for hilarity.

Try it out this weekend. Maybe you and your friend will bump into a cutie and their friend seeking out to do the same thing. 

Posted by Maryann James at 1:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Yesterday, I chatted with dating coach Toni Coleman of consum-mate.com for my column this week on first dates. And while I had her on the phone, I asked her about the curious bit about hygiene tips in dating manuals.

From her experience as a dating coach, she says it's most definitely necessary. It seems that I was unaware of this because I was focusing on the wrong gender.

"I hate to say this, but I think boys are more of the problem," Coleman said.

She said she's heard horror stories from people (mostly women) who come to her for help. An example in one of the books I skimmed on Wednesday told of a guy who came to a first date with dried food stains all down his shirt. Coleman says that's not as uncommon as you would think (or hope).

But that's no excuse. Especially on a first date.

"I don't care what you do. Clean up," says Coleman. "Don't have holes in your shirt. Not on the first date."

Although my roommate says that there's some grody girls roaming the streets as well. 

Either way, as a public service announcement, please take a shower, wash your hair, brush your teeth, clean your ears and put on some nice, clean clothes without holes or stains when you're going out with someone new. Even if you're a slob, at least give your date a chance to fall in love with the person underneath the layer of dirt first.

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According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, people experiencing the first blush of love are not completely sane.

A group of Swiss researchers studied 107 teenagers, 60 of whom said they'd recently fallen in love. (The rest were in established relationships or single.) The teens who were still basking in the glow of new love slept less, and noted less sleepiness during the day and better concentration. Researchers concluded that new love is similar to a "hypomanic state," or mild mania.

We needed a study to tell us that people who are in love aren't in their right mind? :)

(Kudos to Great Mate Debate for the tip.)

Posted by Maryann James at 8:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

I was out at Brewer's Art Saturday night when I met a nice guy at the bar.

We got to talking, and once I told him that I wrote about dating and relationships, he couldn't stop raving about a workshop his girlfriend had just taken in Manhattan. The class, "Celebrate Your Man, Pleasure Your Woman," teaches how men and women's brains work, how they communicate, etc. Once you've got that down, the class gives you tips on how you can excel in the bedroom, too.

I tried to find it, but to no avail, though I did find a class offered by Moxie in the City, that sounds similar:

Ever wonder why they say women decide if they`re interested in you in under 5 seconds?

Don`t you want to know why some men can`t seem to tell you`re upset, hurt or angry?

Men and women approach relationships differently. They just do. Ever wonder why?
That`s what we`ll be talking about this evening.

This workshop is to let you into the mind of the opposite sex. One part workshop, one part mixer, one part open discussion.

Moxie in the City has a base in Washington, too, but it seems the classes there are not as diverse as in New York. Anyone want to take a trip to New York City? Anyone know of a similar setup here in Charm City?

And happy guy from Brewer's, if you're out there, care to clarify on the class?

Posted by Maryann James at 7:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

It seems Baltimore blogger Jon and I were on the same wavelength Friday. He didn't go so far as lining out a laminated list, but he still picked two celebrity crushes: Zhang Ziyi and a favorite of BaltAmour reader Courtney's and mine, Salma Hayek.

I got to talking about laminated lists over drinks this weekend. One friend listed hers and I named mine, but when it came to my other friend, he insisted that he did not have a laminated list of celebrities; he preferred a list of people he could possibly hook up with, in real life. (The girl I work with sometimes, the girl down the street, the cute girl at the lunch counter, etc.)

We eventually badgered him into naming some celebrities he thought were hot, but his initial response stuck with me. He said that if he had a girlfriend, and it came up, he would be upfront about his real list. (Which is very good of him.) But how would you respond if your significant other had a laminated list of "real" people? With celebrities, there's a nice barrier of improbability to make it fun. When the list contains the girl who you see getting mail every day, not so much.

Alternately, BaltAmour reader Allan feels iffy about laminated lists of all kinds:

I'm not a huge fan of this myself. It'll sound stuffy and tight laced, but honestly however unlikely the situation may be, the idea just doesn't sit well with me. I'm not trying to make a slippery slope line of argumentation, but it sounds like the kind of thing you talk about after you've been married for about 15 years, not dating for 2.

But that's just how we feel. What do you think?

Posted by Maryann James at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

My friend S went out a few nights ago to catch up with an old friend. He hadn't seen the woman in a while, and even then, they weren't very close. He went over to catch up, but also, in the back of his mind, to get a feel for whether this girl could be dating material.

Apart from lack of chemistry, she effectively killed any possibilities by going into the danger zone: She talked not only about politics, but about religion, too. And not only did she talk about both, but she ignored all attempts by S to steer the conversation away from said topics. It was bad. Especially considering that S did not share her views.

Apart from the occasional first-date conversation about the life-altering effects of anime, I've had pretty safe first meet-up conversations. But what about you? And are politics and religion really no-no topics on a first meet-up? I'd love to hear an argument for getting down and controversial on the first meet.

Posted by Maryann James at 7:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
                    

I was originally going to post this last week as part of the rock of love conversation, but some wires got crossed. Better late than never, eh?

You can't talk about celebrity crushes without talking about the laminated list:

A laminated list, sometimes called a freebie list, is a short list of celebrities agreed on by a couple as so attractive to one partner that he or she has standing permission to sleep with any of them if the opportunity, however unlikely, ever arises. The idea was popularized by the TV series Friends, and has since become a larger trend ...

I know, I got it from Friends (speaking of guilty pleasures). But it's a fun conversation starter. And sometimes, if you're not careful, the list can be a source of contention. It's all fun and games until somebody gets a little too excited about their No. 1 celebrity lover.

I also love the hubris that comes with the laminated list -- in real life, even if you were to run into, say Angelina Jolie (yes, she's on my list) or Brad Pitt (he's been on my list since 10th grade), what are the odds that they would want to sleep with you? It's fun to talk about the laminated list as if it's some magical golden ticket that gets you passage anywhere.

Who's on your list? 

Posted by Maryann James at 7:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
                    

A Washington blogger who goes by the pseudonym Golden Silence has a blog she started as a response to many catcalls she would get on the street in D.C.

I went to college in D.C., so I've been privy to many encounters with men who just won't take a no (Howard Homecoming weekend is probably the worst), but I don't think that the streets of D.C. are any worse than New York, Miami, or even our beloved Baltimore.

But I digress.

In a post last month, a friend, Avocado in Paradise, compared two incidents with men, one that she said bordered on harassment, the other which landed in the confines of acceptable flirtation. I'll direct you to the page for the full story, but the CliffNotes versions is: Guys who ask a lot of probing questions up front without seeming to volunteer their full info and follow you off the train = harassment. Guys who compliment you and stick with small talk = flirtation.

I think that her two examples are iffy, given that mood can certainly color how your perceive something. On a day you feel ratty, a guy's compliment could uplift you; on another day, that same compliment could piss you off. Either way, I think Avocado is right about one thing: the difference between flirtation and harassment can totally depend on whether a guy pays attention to a woman's cues:

Just have normal conversations when both parties feel like it. It builds up both people's ability to be attractive and engaging, and eventually you'll meet a woman who wants to have coffee with you. She'll send off signals and will either ask for your email address, or pause dramatically before leaving hoping you'll ask for hers. She'll appear reluctant to leave when it's time to go, and I think that's the real signal to ask for her digits or email. I didn't project that in either of these situations. One guy noticed, the other didn't. You definitely don't just immediately ask for our numbers and then follow us around. Yuck yuck yuck.