Posted by Maryann James at 11:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
                    

Posted by Maryann James at 1:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

In honor of National HIV Testing Day, I'm putting out a PSA to remind you all to go out and get tested.

Even if you've always been in monogamous relationships, have only been with two people in your lifetime, etc., etc., it doesn't hurt to go get tested. You can get tested for free at many places (such as at city health clinics and Chase Brexton in Mount Vernon, to name a couple), so the only cost would be your time.

It can be nerve-racking -- when I got tested for the first time, even though I knew I was low-risk, those 15 minutes between the test and results were the longest 15 minutes of my life -- it is worth knowing your status for sure.

In a similar vein, while driving in Virginia yesterday, a radio DJ asked listeners whether they would stay with their S.O. if they found out they were keeping their HIV status from them. The answers ranged from "stand by your man" to "The neighbors will have to call the police." I'm not a violent person, but I'm not sure if I could forgive, either. What do you think?

Posted by Maryann James at 7:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
                    

Posted by Maryann James at 6:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

I'm a slut (is there a less loaded way to say "slut?") when it comes to making out, but am actually very reserved when it comes to anything below the belt. ... I don't know the first names of every girl I've kissed, while I know the middle names of every girl I've gone farther with.

Besides, it's all about order. How can you get to home without hitting all the bases? 

Am I off base? I've only heard from one PWR user so far. What do you think, dear readers?

Posted by Maryann James at 12:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Hi, it's Anica, back for one more quick guest post. I came across this interesting concept in meeting people for the sporty set this weekend and had to share. From the Baltimore Running newsletter:

"Federal Hill Runner's first ever "Traffic Light Run" is going to take place on Monday, June 25. What is a traffic light run, you ask? The concept is simple, it's a social thing to encourage some interaction. Wear something green (a shirt is best) if you are single, wear yellow if you are maybe possibly looking, and wear red if you are taken. Or don't play at all - the choice is yours! Then you'll know who to chat up after the run. At the very least we'll be colorful."

I asked the organizer for more info and here it is:

"The Federal Hill Runners group meets every Monday at 6:30 in front of Fed Hill Fitness (39 E. Cross St). Tonight's run of course is the Traffic Light Run, which we are expecting to be a fun time. We run rain or shine, and most people get there a few minutes before 6:30 to stretch, we do announcements and introductions, etc. The course that we run in the summer is generally along Key Highway to Lawrence, left on Fort, to the Fort and back down to Charles (4.5 miles). People will add a mile on by going around the Fort, and some of us add on a few more miles. There are runners of all paces, from 6 minute miles to 10+."

So, if you're up for running 4.5  miles tonight, and want to meet other available runners, check it out!

Posted by Anica Butler at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

She said some guys will mess around with girls but refuse to kiss them, saying they've reserved that intimate act for serious relationships. ...

You may recognize this scheme as first voiced by Julia Roberts in the modern-day Cinderella movie Pretty Woman. Did it not seem questionable then, even as a loosely veiled plot device?

Posted by Maryann James at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)
                    

Like my formerly gorgeous, now-dead mystery flowers, all good things must come to an end.

(Not saying that my blogging was any good, but I sure had fun doing it!)

The time just flew by -- I never even got to most of the topics I'd hoped to write about,
like dating in the workplace, the fuzziness of brand new relationships, really bad dates, and, well, other stuff too.

But thanks for reading these past few weeks and thanks also for all the advice and feedback. I hope I at least entertained you, since, I think we've all figured out that I don't have any advice to give! (But why wouldn't you tell me your stories?)

Anyway, at least I don't write really lame advice like this:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Dating-Advice---12-Summertime-Tips-For-Meeting-Men&id=608416

It could be the lamest advice ever, or it could just be the lame way it's written. I mean, why even bother to look for an S.O. when you can just "visualize" one???

OK, I'm signing off, then. The lovely and talented Maryann James will be back this week.

Happy Dating!

Posted by Anica Butler at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Want to test the strength of your relationship? Just play Apples to Apples with a group of other couples. I've personally witnessed one meltdown and was involved in another. (OK, nobody got divorced, or even broke up, but tension was high!)

I played it recently with two other couples and my current S.O. and we still seem to be fine (though I dream of beating him in a rematch!).

Seriously, it is an easy party game and is SO MUCH FUN.

Here's a link to Amazon where you can buy the game:

http://www.amazon.com/Apples-to-Party-Box/dp/B000246MQU

I chose this link, because you should scroll down and read the "Spotlight Reviews". They have expressed, much better than I ever could, why Apples to Apples might be the Best. Game. Ever!

It just occurred to me though, that if you're looking to end a relationship, maybe joining a game of Apples to Apples is just the thing! But, it can also make your relationship stronger. Don't ask me how, though. You just have to play it.

Posted by Anica Butler at 1:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
                    

Finally, Dancing Monkey sent me her enzyme theory, which may at first sound complicated (I did a little head-scratching at first, too), but keep reading and it totally becomes clear. It's really great and makes so much sense. (And relates to my opinion that the best way to meet people is through other people.)

Posted by Anica Butler at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Do people really ever hook up at the gym?

I can't help but feel there is something really wrong about trying to find a date among the sweating masses. (People are exercising...)

Although, I guess that knowing what someone looks like sweaty and *almost* naked before you ask them out could be considered an advantage. I suppose.

But still.

Anybody ever meet someone in a gym? I'm just curious.

Posted by Anica Butler at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

I'm not totally down on the idea that random meetings of strangers can morph into true love, despite my amusement by this earlier comment. But I suppose I'm just more pragmatic at my age. (don't ask.)

I also got this message earlier this week from GGIRL (who, like me, is not 21):

meeting people in bars:  i go to bars.  i can be met.  i think i'm a good person.  so i deduce that it is possible to meet good people and have healthy relationships with someone you've met in a bar.  also, i have friends & relatives who have met their spouses in bars. ...

recently, i've started dating online.  ...  this weekend, i'm off to a wedding of friends who met on eHarmony.  ....

 My best friend also met her husband online - so I know it can work out, even though I'm totally not into it for myself. And, I'm also personally (and only recently) down on meeting people in bars. And while I think that playing sports, taking classes, joining clubs, volunteering and all that stuff are great (and obvious) ways to meet potential dates, the number one way of meeting people, IMHO, is the old-fashioned way.

Back to that wacky Record story. Here's another quote from the story, a paraphrase of the USC sociologist:

"until recently, most people made love connections through friends and family. This low-tech way allowed you also to check out the prospective mate's reputation through your match-makers, she said."

And here's more from GGIRL:

"my best resources for meeting people:  people.  going out and making friends with all sorts of people always leads to meeting more people.  and if i make it more about meeting & creating community, then the relationship part comes much more organically."

Yay! I feel the same way, GGIRL.

My friend told me this awesome thing about people and enzymes. It sounded really cool, I promise! When she has time to explain it to me again, I will share. (unless she just wants to post a comment, hint hint ; )

In the meantime, anybody got a great story of meeting somebody? Or a horror story? It's almost the end of the week, so now's the time to share!

Posted by Anica Butler at 3:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

I got this story sent to me in response to my earlier post on online criminal background checks:

It's about a California man who was convicted by a jury for shooting his wife. Free on bail while he appeals the decision, the dude posted a dating ad on Yahoo Personals.

Ick!

It reminds me, too, of a story that The Sun covered about the two people who met on MySpace, where the guy ended up brutally killing the woman on their first date.

That case was different, because the convicted, John C. Gaumer, didn't have a criminal record beforehand, but it just exemplifies the pitfalls of dating people you don't know.

I don't want to make light of the issue, but the story from The Record's Web site has a funny quote from a USC sociologist on online dating:

"Sometimes people leave out important details - like I'm married or I killed my wife."

And it's true not just for online daters, but anyone who comes into our lives as a total stranger. 

Which is why, I found this comment, sent to me earlier this week by a 21-year-old (according to her MySpace) to be amusing and op:

"Personally I would recommend a public event to meet people. Such as festivals, art exhibits, shows, concerts- so at least that way you know you two have at least one common interest. Or hell go to the Inner Harbor"

Maybe it's because I am older and a tad bit jaded (maybe) that I tend to frown on the serendipitous meeting of strangers who later fall in love. But I know it can, and does, happen.

Much more on that later.

Posted by Anica Butler at 2:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

Even though I've strayed from this week's topic of finding a date in Baltimore (I don't know how Maryann does it!) here is something you that could be helpful when you're dating someone new:

In Maryland, you can check court records online:

http://casesearch.courts.state.md.us/inquiry/

You know you cyber stalk your dates anyway, so why not look up something that might be useful? And, I can say from personal experience, that people who are seemingly nice and normal can be pretty bad people. (Or at least guilty of yucky crimes.)

Even though I did once meet a woman (a public defender) at a party who told me that a person's past criminal background wouldn't deter her from dating someone,  I think most people would at least want to know if their new S.O. spent time in the pokey, or pleaded guilty to a felony or a really gross misdemeanor.

Not the kind of thing people usually tell you on a first date ...

Posted by Anica Butler at 8:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

No - I am not the "inconsolable" person that I wrote about earlier, thanks for asking. And, it's actually not even one person. (I may have amalgamated a few people into one.)
 

And, I'm not so mean that I think people shouldn't be sad. Of course, people are sad after breakups! And the amount of time for the sadness to last varies for everyone. I know that. I also believe that wallowing - for a time - can be helpful...

BUT -- I also believe that at some point, you just have to decide to feel different. You do this by acting differently, even if you still feel sad and broken inside. You change how you act and then, eventually, how you feel changes too.

BaltAmour reader (and my friend) Manisha said this:

"I heard this thing once... if you're upset about something, to allow yourself a window of time to feel sorry for yourself, but also after that window is over you have to move forward. That helps me get through things sometimes and it might help your friend..."

I like that idea very much.

Bottom line is, I do feel compassion, and even a measure of empathy for those who are in breakups. To my friends: I will listen to you talk and complain, I will drink beers with you and tell you how great and wonderful you are and that I am CERTAIN that you will find someone better. (and I won't be at all exagerating.) But the thing I can't do, the thing that nobody can do, but you, is change how you feel. I will try to understand that it might take you some more time...
In the meantime, I will also try to blog about something happier.

Posted by Anica Butler at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
                    

Topic: Addiction hurts everyone. (And, I need your advice again, so please keep reading...)

Dear readers:

Have I been slacking off as your dating blogger this week? I admit, I have. But I have a good reason:

On Sunday, I quit smoking.

While there are many undisputed benefits to quitting, I've been dealing with one unforeseen negative side effect - extreme crankiness.

Since Sunday afternoon, I've been pretty much non-stop irritable. (It's really, really unattractive.) But, I'm going to try to power through, be positive, and blog happy thoughts about dating! I promise to try, anyway.

But, for the moment, I'm seeking your advice again.

My question today is: How does one console the inconsolable?

I have a friend who has been going through breakup recovery for more than a month. (The breakup was unequivocal. No faking-up this time.) The friend is still not doing well, as in, is still, in some ways, acting as though it happened yesterday. I hate to put a time limit on emotional recovery, but I feel like this has maybe been going on for too long. I mean, I understand that it can take more than a year to get over a breakup (I've been there) but how long should it take before a person is outwardly OK, as in, able to go through the motions of life?

Unfortunately, I'm cantankerous this week and am afraid of saying something inappropriate. And it's true, I'm not known for my sensitivity. So, does anyone have any advice, either for me or for the broken-hearted? How do you get over the hurt in the immediate term and get on with at least acting normal? How do you tell a friend that it's time for them to suck it up and try something different? Am I being a jerk? Is there a magic moment when people just wake up and are OK after a breakup, or should I cut the friend some slack, and offer them some (more) positive words?

Seriously, I need some help here.

Posted by Anica Butler at 8:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
                    

I work really early.

I am supposed to be at my desk at 6 a.m.

Maybe that's not early for other people (um, like teachers), but for me, it's rough.

I bring this up for two reasons:

1. I watch the Today show in the morning while I work (to keep me awake), which means I am learning a lot about relationships from Al Roker and Dr. Gail Saltz, among other "experts" (yes, I'm joking ... sort-of.)

2. My work schedule has had a HUGE impact on my dating life.

But more on that later. First, I want to mention something I saw on Today this morning.

plentyoffish.com, is Canada's top dating Web site, according to Today, and No. 5 in the U.S. It's a free site, and the founder, CEO, one-man show makes his millions from advertisements. The guy behind the site, who's name I didn't catch (and it's not on the Today site yet) strikes me as one of those dorky-but-sweet, obviously very smart and business savvy, but clearly-not-hot dudes. At the end of the segment, he and the interviewer are sitting on a balcony.

Interviewer: "So, is there someone for everyone?"

Sweet but dorky dating web site dude says earnestly: "I think there is. Don't you?"

Awww. so sweet.

So, that brings us to the topic at hand -- meeting your someone(s).

As promised yesterday, I'll tell you about what I *thought* would be my new favorite way of meeting people in the city.

Baltimore is super-sporty. There is beach volleyball at Rash Field, the Baltimore Sports and Social Club, the Kickball League of Baltimore, rowing, sailing, indoor rock climbing, and I'm sure more stuff that I am forgetting.

I joined a kickball team this spring, and, even though I totally punked out (it was a cold spring and I am a weather wimp. I can't help it) I still totally advocate playing a social sport as a way to meet people. If you don't meet any date-worthy people, you will at least make new friends, who may have friends that you do want to date. Plus, playing social sports beats going to the gym any day!

OK, so I *thought* that would be a good idea, but a friend who is in the midst of a breakup made me realize the pitfalls. If things go badly, then you've got to make the choice of continuing to play sports and seeing that person and potentially reopening the wound every week, or quitting your team, at least temporarily. But, I suppose it's no more risky than anything else, right?

Later I'll post some of your responses/thoughts on the questions I asked yesterday.

Posted by Anica Butler at 11:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
                    

I think I bummed myself out last week with all the breakup talk. So this week, let's  talk about beginnings.

A few years ago,  I rented out a spare bedroom to a summer intern. One day she asked me: "How do you meet people when you're not in college anymore?" I hadn't been out of college long myself, and had no idea how to answer. (I think I offered a feeble "You just do.")

Since then, I've done online dating, speed dating, blind dating, met people in bars and parties, been set up by friends and dated co-workers. I have even been picked up at the grocery store. But even at this point, I fear I still may have more questions than answers.

Is it true that you'll never meet anyone good in a bar? Is it always a bad idea to date co-workers? Are there any foolproof methods for finding eligible dates? What are the Baltimore hot spots for singles looking for love? Let's discuss this week.

And, as always, I'm open to your thoughts and ideas for topics. Also, please share your own dating stories!

I promise to reveal later my new favorite way of meeting people in the city!  

Posted by Anica Butler at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
                    

NBC has a new reality dating show. The first time I saw the commercial, I nearly spewed the juice I was drinking out of my nose.

It's that shockingly tasteless.

I think all dating shows that make people "compete" are pathetic. But this one takes the cake:

Age of of Love, set to debut Monday, features a 30-year-old bachelor choosing from among a group of 20-somethings and a group of 40-somethings. Ick.

I can't find the promo online right now, but I seem to remember that it included at least one of the younger *ladies* dissing the older ones. Huh?

I'd like to say to her: If you're so freaking great, how come you're on a REALITY DATING SHOW?! One day YOU TOO will be 40!!

Anyway, now that I'm all angry about it, of course this means I'll have to check it out at least once.

But haven't Demi and Ashton settled the age debate already?! Geez.

Posted by Anica Butler at 1:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
                    

One of the best things that can happen at work (short of a raise) is the receipt of a beautiful bouquet of lovely springtime-colored roses on a gloomy day. And flowers that arrive with a blank card totally up the office curiosity level! 

Posted by Anica Butler at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)