PineappleBabble asked: "Why does my infant always nap so well at daycare and so poorly on the weekends?! Srsly - there must be a medical reason."

Kim West, the "Sleep Lady" of Severna Park, had some suggestions: 

"That is not an unusual comment! I find the answer is often twofold: First your baby is happy to see you and prefers spending time with you over napping. Pick connection time (touching, playing, nurturing) over errands and house cleaning -- do those things during nap time. Ask your daycare provider what time your baby naps, how long, and most importantly how they put him/her to sleep or back to sleep if she awakens from a short nap. If the daycare nap schedule is consistent and at reasonable times then aim for the same times at home. Include a soothing pre-nap ritual. Important side note - make sure your baby knows how to put him/herself to sleep independently at bedtime, which will help with naps."

(Photo courtesy of chimothy27's Flickr stream via Creative Commons)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

BBC Mom asked for help redirecting her 5-year-old's anger. "His instinct is to hit, but I'm having trouble coming up with an alternative that clicks with him -- blowing out a deep breath, saying, "Pickles!" or "I'm frustrated" -- none of that seems to stick," she wrote.

Susan Parks, director of Kennedy Krieger Institute's Behavior Management Clinic, sent this reply:

"Answering the question of how to re-direct a 5-year-old's "rage" may seem simple and straight forward on the surface, but in fact could be complicated depending on the severity and intensity of the behavior and how well-established the pattern.  Unlike "tantrums," which are developmentally typical among 2- and 3-year-olds (where a child becomes easily upset and show anger by crying and striking out) behavior labeled as "rage" may indicate a more intensive expression of anger and could even be associated with more severe mood dysregulation. 

"Developmentally, we would expect to see 4- and 5-year-olds beginning to exhibit better control of their emotions than younger toddlers.  Hence, "rage" episodes at age 5 that are intensive, lengthy, and include high rates of disruptive behavior (such as physical aggression, property destruction, hard crying and screaming) may require professional advice and counsel. 

"If on the other hand, such events are mild in nature (e.g. short lived, minor disruptions) parents should attempt to discern the underlying function or purpose of the behavior. Does the child want attention, access to preferred items or wish to escape from unwanted demands? The parent can then respond accordingly, ignoring disruptions fueled by attention, withholding tangibles in the face of disruptive behaviors, and preventing escape from directives following crying jags.

"Instead, caregivers should consistently remain calm, wait quietly until the child regains composure, specifically label and praise desired behavior, and redirect and attend to appropriate behavior or suitable alternatives (e.g. self-quieting, using words rather than lashing out physically). Physical aggression, specifically, may require other planned interventions (e.g. time-out) and may require consultation with a child mental health professional to assure the procedure is implemented appropriately."

Photo of child hiding her face courtesy of Mel B's photostream on Flickr via Creative Commons

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

MomofBeans asked: "How do you break a toddler of a biting habit, when she isn't doing it at home, but is doing it at daycare when other children get in her personal space or attempt to take a toy from her?"

I called Margo Sipes, executive director of Downtown Baltimore Child Care, who previously advised us on easing transitions from house to day care. Here's what she recommended:

--First, remember that biting, though distressing, is common among toddlers. "Toddlers are still very oral," she said. "They learn and solve problems through their mouths."

--Don't be surprised if biting happens in a center rather than at home, because the center is where peers are -- and where conflict naturally arises as young kids interact. "Oftentimes the biting happens because there is a conflict over toys or the teacher's lap or one square foot of space in the classroom."

--Have the child shadowed. The best way to solve the problem, Sipes said, is for an adult at the center to be in charge of "shadowing" the toddler -- being close by him as much as possible -- to gently intervene when a bite is about to happen. "Someone right there who can put their hand and redirect (the child) to a more socially acceptable response." It's important for the adult to validate the child's feelings, by saying something like, "I can see you want that toy. Tell him you want it. Say, 'Turn please?' Or, 'Play with this while you’re waiting.'"

--Don't punish. If you do, the child will learn only that he's "bad," but not how to be good, Sipes says. Instead, the center should work on validating feelings and teaching him better ways to express needs. Also, be low-key about the biting. A big reaction may prompt the child to see if he can get the same reaction by biting again.

--Be patient. Breaking the biting habit could take a while -- maybe 4 to 6 weeks, Sipes says.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: Babies and Toddlers, Child Care, The Monday Consult
        

Today, as promised, we turn to contest winner Tigressreow's comment about helping a kid be more independent as he or she goes off to college. I asked Michele Borba to tackle the question. She's an educational psychologist, a Today contributor, and author of the upcoming The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. 

Here's what she wrote:

"After all the test-taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance-waiting, the big event is almost here: dropping your child off at college. But is your teen really ready to handle life away from home sweet home? 

"If you're suddenly realized that your same high school grad who passed those SATs with flying colors,can't change a light bulb or balance a checkbook, believe me you're not alone. Many parents are dealing with those same anxiety pangs. The good news is there are still a few weeks left before those final goodbyes. Here are four steps you can use to help your college bound teen really be ready to handle life solo style.

"Step 1. Identify “away from home” needs. Over the next days tune into your teen and determine which life skills he can and can't do without your help. Then create a list of what your teen needs to learn like changing a tire, making a doctor's appointment, using a microwave, paying a bill, using a fire extinguisher, writing down appointments, balancing a savings account, or doing laundry. Keep adding to that list.

"Step 2. Make a realistic plan. Next, look over that list and prioritize what your teen really needs to learn and what is realistic to teach in the time you have left. Get your teen involved by asking what she feels she lacks in the “handling life” department. Then use a calendar to create your teaching plan. Write a different life lesson you plan to review before your teen leaves home for each week. 

"Step 3. Teach skills for independence. Zero in on one area each week before those college doors open. The goal is to ensure mastery so your teen can do the task without you. First teach by going through the task together and explaining each step so that she knows what to do. Only use real life examples. For instance, if you're teaching her to write a check, go to the bank and set up a real checking account, then require her to use that checkbook from now until school starts. Finally supervise to ensure that she can handle the job solo.

"Step 4. Start backing off. Once your teen knows how to do the task alone, then back off. No more rescuing. Instead, begin to teach another skills. Your new parenting mantra to follow is: “Never do for your child what he can do for himself.” This is also the time to slowly start expanding that curfew and his responsibilities.

"Of course, the real secret is not waiting until that move out day to teach these critical life lessons. So roll up your sleeves and start in. There's a wonderful Navaho proverb that says, “We raise our kids to leave us.” Turn these next weeks in parenting to achieve that goal."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Tigressreow, who wants to know how to coax a college-bound 18-year-old into greater independence. The question will be answered in an upcoming Monday Consult, and the commenter wins a copy of Dede Wilson's "The Birthday Cake Book."

Congratulations, and happy baking!

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's that time again. Make a comment below that asks a question about parenting that you wish an expert could answer, and you'll be entered in a contest to win "The Birthday Cake Book" by Dede Wilson. It has 75 recipes to celebrate birthdays, including a "Hairy Caterpillar Cupcake Cake."

I'll choose a winner at random by noon tomorrow, and announce the lucky commenter here. But even if you don't win, your question may be answered in a future Monday Consult.

Good luck!

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 4:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Today's question is one I didn't even know I had, until I read The Parking Lot Rules, a book by Tom Sturges, a California dad who coaches and mentors kids. The question is, what do you do when your kid is crying and in distress over what you think is a minor injury, especially in public? How do you help without making it too big a deal?

Here's his answer, the subject of today's Monday Consult: It's called "taking the pain away."

He describes a birthday party in which the birthday boy was hit by a swinging pinata stick. (Ah, pinatas. A subject for another day.) Sturges had the idea to help by getting all the kids to "take away" the boy's pain by taking it on themselves. He urged them all to lay hands on the boy's injured arm, and on the count of three, he said the "pain" would be shared among everyone. All the kids went along with this and began grabbing their arms. The birthday boy was so distracted and amused by this that he seemed to feel better.

"By taking a few minutes to take the pain away, we gave Cole a chance to be respected for his pain, to recover from his injury, to be the absolute center of attention for a little while, and to have everyone at the party care very much that he felt better," writes Sturges.

It's an interesting idea. Do you have other techniques that work? 

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 9:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Michelle, our contest winner, asked about feeding her 1-year-old daughter soy milk instead of cow's milk as she makes the transition from drinking formula.

Julie Yeh, a pediatrician at Greater Baltimore Medical Center, says it's OK. Here's her answer:

"It is traditionally recommended that infants are breastfed as long as possible, ideally until 1 year of age. When the time comes for the baby to be weaned off the breast, an iron-fortified formula is recommended until age 1. In an otherwise healthy infant, there is no advantage in using a soy-based formula vs. a cow's milk based formula.

"After 1 year of age, the recommendation is to introduce whole cow's milk. If there is a large concern for obesity or cardiovascular disease in either the infant or the family, then a low-fat milk can be substituted under the instruction of your pediatrician. If preferred, soy milk is a healthy alternative to cow's milk after 1 year of age and provides nearly equal amounts of calcium and is more iron rich.

"Soy milk is lower in fat content, which may be beneficial in those at risk for obesity. However, in infants in whom poor weight gain or nutrition is a concern, the use of soy milk under age 2 should be discussed with your doctor.

"Children who continue to demonstrate a cow's milk protein allergy after one year of age often do well with soy milk. Both whole milk and soy milk are not recommended under a year of age. After age 2, children can continue on either low fat cow's milk or soy milk. So, in this case, it is perfectly fine to use soy milk as an alternative to cow's milk, especially if there is adequate dairy intake through cheese and yogurt."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Since Memorial Day is coming up next weekend and swine flu is still on some of our minds, I thought I'd use some tips from the Mommy Docs for today's Consult.

They recommend that before you travel or even head to the beach with kids, you pack these three things:

--Hand sanitizer will help your kids keep their hands clean when there's no sink handy, the Docs say. But if it's available, scrubbing for at least 20 seconds with water and soap is the best way to clean your hands.

--Thermometer. The Docs say temperatures should always be taken rectally with a digital thermometer for infants under 3 months. For older kids, they recommend the Braun ThermoScan ear thermometer, which they say is very quick.

--Nasal aspirator. That's the little blue bulb that often comes home from the hospital with new moms. Keep it handy; babies have a hard time clearing their own noses and can use its gentle help, say the Docs. I've found it can help older children, too.

Have we left anything out that you find indispensable for travel?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Recently, Jim wrote:

My 6-year-old daughter is very outgoing with small groups of friends. However, put her in a situation with a larger group, even w/friends, and she gets shy to the point of tears.

For example, after dropping her off at a recent birthday party, with all friends she knew, she became completely overwhelmed. I had to come back with her stuffed bunny and spend a few moments helping her work her way back into the group.

By the end she had fun but never warmed up completely.

My wife finds this very concerning. We want to find activities for her this summer (day camp, etc) but past experiences have not worked as she clings to the counselor or won't even get out of the car?

Suggestions?

I asked Brad Sachs, a Columbia psychologist who recently gave us advice on how to tell your kids you've been laid off, to tackle this one. Here's his answer:

Continue reading "Helping a sometimes-shy 6-year-old -- The Monday Consult" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Now that we have official word of the first death from the swine flu in the U.S. -- and, unfortunately, the victim was a toddler -- I'm throwing in a special consult to answer Ilana Bittner's timely question about swine flu. She wanted to know how to help kids guard against it without scaring them or making them seem "antisocial to their friends."

Pediatrician Daniel Levy, who's given us advice before, wrote back the following to answer Ilana's question:

Continue reading "Swine flu death: How to prepare kids" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 11:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: Health, The Monday Consult
        

Recently, Gracy Young asked: "My son (who, she says, is almost 2) begins to hold the food in his mouth while he is having supper or lunch." She says she can't make him swallow. "What can I do to help him eat?"

Pediatrician Charles Shubin says, in short: Don't help him eat.

Dr. Shubin, director of pediatrics at Mercy FamilyCare, a division of Family Health Centers of Baltimore, suspects that what's going on here is a classic battle over eating. The child doesn't want to eat what he's given, so he holds it in his mouth to resist and get attention. If the mom is pushing the boy to eat -- something many of us feel the need to do -- she should back off and simply provide him healthy foods to eat on a regular basis.

The boy will eat when he's hungry, Shubin says, especially if his parents hold firm in continuing to give him what they're eating, resist the temptation to put out junk food, and recognize that kids eat less regularly than adults. "Step one is to understand is as children pass their first birthday, growth slows by about 50 percent," he told me. "That means there's a significant drop in calorie need. We all notice kids eat more when they're growing. ...They also eat on a different basis. They eat when they're hungry."

If the boy is holding food in his mouth in the meantime, his parents should ignore that -- but one trick Shubin likes, to give him guidance, is for the parents to talk about him to each other, instead of directly to him. For example, they could say to each other: "If David doesn't like what's in his mouth, he doesn't have to swallow it. He can spit it into his napkin." Then, when he does eat nicely, they should praise him for his good behavior, without drawing attention to the bad.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

You'll remember that Jenn asked for help dealing with stares and intrusive comments she sometimes gets from both children and adults when her special-needs son acts out in public. For today's Consult, Mary Snyder-Vogel, a licensed clinical social worker who is assistant director of social work at Kennedy Krieger Institute, offers these tips:

"--Take a couple of deep breaths to steady yourself.

"--Try not to assume the worst about why a person is staring, meddling or giving advice. You could say: “My son has special needs and we are getting professional help. Please don’t make judgments about us. We are doing our best.”

"--Use the interaction as a 'teachable moment.' When stares or comments come from children (or adults), encourage them to ask questions. You could say: “I noticed that you were staring at my child. I know that sometimes people don’t know what to say, but do you have a question? I’d be happy to try to answer it.” Tell them a little bit about your son’s diagnosis.

"--Keep your sense of humor and concentrate on the positive gains your child makes. Tell everyone about them, even strangers. The more you can keep a positive perspective, the better you’ll feel.

"--Get to know other parents of children with special needs. Include them in your support network, share your experiences and learn other ways of coping with these situations."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

During the Passover seder, the youngest child at the table traditionally recites four questions about the rituals of the service. The rest of the year, though, parents often ask the questions.

I invited Donna Kane, a consultant on parenting, child development and adolescent issues for Jewish Community Services in Baltimore, to muse about what the Passover questions teach us about communication with our children year round. Here’s what she wrote:

“How often do you ask your child a question and hear, “I don’t know” as the response? I hope a lot of you are rolling your eyes in exasperated understanding, or are mumbling ‘all the time’ under your breath. I probably hear ‘I don’t know’ (from here on referred to as IDK) at least once a day. Sometimes my questions are conversational, so I accept the IDK. But there are other times when the answer is important and IDK is not acceptable. Whether your child is 4 years old or 20, there are times when it is reasonable to expect an answer.

“So now, with me anyway, the inner questioning begins. What does IDK mean? Does it mean: I don’t want to talk about it now, I don’t want to give you information, I felt uncomfortable asking my teacher the question, I forgot to ask, I asked and I forgot the answer? I admit there are times when I am too tired, distracted, and yes, even overwhelmed to pursue the meaning behind IDK.

 “Every year when the youngest in our family asks the Four Questions of Passover, I wonder what would happen at our seder table if I, with practiced indifference, just answered IDK. To be honest, chaos would most likely ensue, with all the children asking and answering the questions. But the emphasis here is on the questions.

“The seder offers an opportunity to teach children to ask -- to question and learn. What a wonderful teaching tool. Perhaps there is something in that approach for adults to learn from as well. Maybe we need not only to encourage our children to ask questions, but also to model for them how and when to ask a question.

"For example, how many of us have asked a question in anger or asked a question when our child (no matter what age) knows we already know the answer? And here is a scenario I am very guilty of: how many of us start asking questions as soon as our child walks in the door from school? My guess is that we all may be contributing to the IDK’s.

“Whether or not you celebrate Passover, you can use times like the seder, when families gather around the dinner table, as opportunities to ask questions and to engage in discussion. There is a lot for all of us to learn from this dialogue."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

OK, unfortunately I'm not giving away tickets to the White House Easter Egg Roll. But I do have a lovely coffee-table style book on animal migration -- great for engaging kids and researching school projects -- for a lucky commenter who submits a question for the Monday Consult.

If you're new to the blog, you may not know that each week I find an expert to answer one of your questions (this week, it was about no-gift birthday parties) and post the response on the blog (and in our You & Your Health section in the print newspaper).

I'll choose a comment that has a parenting question at random for the prize. Please include your e-mail address on the comment form when you post so that I can contact you in case you win. Don't worry; I won't share the e-mail address with anyone else.

Good luck!

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A Twitter follower asks: "How (do you) encourage friends and family to give to charity in lieu of gifts at a kid party? We're racking our brains for a polite, workable way to do this. We hear people do both when asked, which doesn't solve the issue."

I sent the question to Bill Dougherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, and one of the people behind Birthdays Without Pressure, a Web site (and group) that discusses how costs and expectations have gone up for children's birthday parties. (The site has ideas for simple birthday-party games and alternatives to gifts.)

Dougherty writes: "It doesn't work well to ask people to give to a charity in lieu of gifts--not for birthday parties. Here is what seems to work: Say in the invitations, and repeat when guests arrive with gifts, that you will give presents to a children's charity. That way, when people bring gifts, they know where they are going, and they don't have to do it themselves. They get to be generous to the birthday child and to the charity simultaneously."

He had another thought: "Consider present-free parties like the Obamas do (and other parents we've talked with). Children get plenty of presents from family. Why not make the friends' party just for fun. In that case, the parent can say "please, no gifts, and if you decide to bring one, we'll be donating it to charity."

"If gifts arrive, say thanks and move them out of view."

(Photo from Ron Chapple Stock)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

As spring approaches, I thought we'd do a fun Consult with the folks at McCormick & Co. on things you didn't know you could do with food coloring. Here are a few things kids 7-12 might enjoy creating. (McCormick, of course, recommends using McCormick Assorted Food Color):

--Funny Putty. Start with a cup of white glue in a plastic container. Add 1 cup liquid starch a little at a time, stirring constantly, along with any color of the food coloring, until the mixture is rubbery. Store in an airtight container.

--Homemade play dough. Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 1 cup salt, 1 cup water and 1/4 cup cream of tartar with about 20 drops of food coloring in a medium saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly for about 5 minutes. Cool on wax paper, then knead slightly until dough is smooth. Store in an airtight container.

--Goofy Goo. Mix 2 tablespoons white glue with 2 tablespoons water in a paper cup. In another cup, mix together 1/4 cup water, 3/4 teaspoon borax laundry booster and about 10 drops food coloring. Spoon about 2 tablespoons of the borax mixture into the glue mixture and stir well.

--Water colors. Instant paint! Combine 1 tablespoon white vinegar with 2 teaspoons baking soda. Slowly add 1 tablespoon cornstarch and 1/4 cup glycerin. Pour 1 inch of the mixture into 6 to 8 paper cups and let dry overnight. Once they're dry, add the food coloring, making sure to use a lot, as the color isn't as deep when it dries. To use, dip a paint brush into some water, then into the paint.

We can talk about food dye and Easter eggs a little later. By the way, if you are interested in learning how to dye Easter eggs the natural way, check out this post from last year.

(Photo of play dough courtesy of McCormick & Co.)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: Food and Recipes, The Monday Consult
        

A Twitter follower asks: "What do you do when you see your kids pick up your bad habits that you don't want them to have?" (That question could cover a lot of ground, so the follower agreed to narrow it down to something like biting your nails.)

I asked Molly Brown Koch, a local parent coach and author who has answered questions about kids using public bathrooms and about dealing with a young hitter, to tackle this one.

She wrote back that the solution -- and the adults may not like this -- is for the grownup and the child to have a talk and agree to kick their bad habit together. Even a child as young as 3, she says, can help brainstorm solutions if asked.

"Children are little 'strangers in a strange land,' they study us to find out how to be, what to  do, how to do it, and because they love us so much, we are their most important role models," Koch writes.  "If the child is old enough to understand, you can explain that you have been doing something for a long time and are ready to get it under control.  A brainstorming session about ways for you to stop the habit can be both enlightening and fun.  Let the child be part of the solution, and be partners in both your efforts to end the habit.

If it's not so easy for the child to give up the habit, don't point out his failures, Koch writes. "Nothing works as well as praising children for their efforts, for their persistence, for their strength of character, and celebrating with them when they succeed, day by day," she says.

It's appropriate to offer a reward to the child for finally kicking the habit -- but make it a special outing with you, Koch advises, rather than a toy.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you're considering parting ways with your pediatrician.

I asked Owings Mills pediatrician Dr. Daniel Levy, who's answered a number of our Consults, to give us some things to think about when the relationship isn't working. Here's his post:

"Most parents go to some trouble finding the "right doctor," for their child, but as hard as they try, sometimes things just don't work out.

There are lots of reasons why families switch the care of their kids to new pediatric practices in a community, but courtesy and humanity in going through the process will help tremendously. Regardless of your reason for leaving, remember that all pediatricians are hard-working, have given your family much of their care and expertise for free, and are usually compensated well below what they charge. More importantly, doctors for kids are always about what they think is best.

When you're weighing leaving a practice, here a few things to consider:

--Why are you leaving? Is it a personal disappointment, or was there a medical error? Was it your doctor's lack of caring or inattention to detail, or are you feeling guilty that you didn't follow through on good advice? Make sure you're clear, sleep on it, run it by trusted advisors, then act. Never make a hasty judgment.

--Let your doctor know why you're leaving. She/he can't profit from the experience without your communication.

--Be clear about what you want in a pediatric office, and make sure your needs are realistic.

--If your pediatrician has been conscientious, affable, knowledgeable and available, maybe she/he deserves a second chance. Talk it out with her, and let her know your concerns. Some of the best professional relationships are cemented that way. We're all busy, but the best of us are never too busy to listen. Your pediatrician is ready to help 24/7, and deserves your honesty and best intentions."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Sign of the times: A reader asked for help in telling her kids she'd been laid off. I asked Brad Sachs to respond. He's a psychologist in Columbia who's written books on parenting including The Good Enough Child, The Good Enough Teen, and When No One Understands.

He gives us six ways to approach a layoff with your family...

Continue reading "Laid off? How to tell the kids" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Kayris asked how to go about researching kindergartens for her child. I consulted Richard E. Bavaria, senior vice president for education outreach for Bal timore-based Sylvan Learning and author of DrRickblog.com, a blog for educators and parents. He offers an equation: “A squared + C Squared = Good Choice. The As are ‘Atmosphere’ and ‘Adults.’ The Cs are ‘Curriculum’ and ‘Children.’

--Atmosphere: Visit the school, Bavaria writes. “Are you greeted warmly? Do the children appear to be enjoying themselves and learning? Are the children playing and learning together? Is there children’s art work on the walls? If the weather’s nice, are there kids out on the playground? Does the playground appear safe? Trust your Mommy and Daddy instincts – does the place “feel” right? Relax. If your child senses you’re stressed, she will be, too.”

--Adults. Does there seem to be a good teacher/ student ratio? Recommendations vary, Bavaria says, but a good rule of thumb is that there should be a teacher or a trained assistant for every three or four children. “Do these adults seem to be genuinely devoted to the children? Do they seem to like being there? Do they take an interest in each child? Do they read books to the children regularly, enthusiastically, and frequently? What do other parents say about the school? Does the school communicate regularly and concisely with parents?”

--Curriculum. Bavaria recommends looking for a good balance of academic and social skills. “Yes, you want kindergarten to be nurturing the “whole child,” but you also demand the beginnings of the 3 Rs,” he writes. “These earliest school days are when healthy attitudes and values about learning are set. Do there seem to be accommodations made for lots of different learning styles and levels of readiness? Are the kids learning in large groups, small groups, and individually? Is there a lot of reading going on?”

--Children. “Are the children the most important people in the room? Do the children seem to be happy, eager to learn, excited to be there? Do the activities inspire, challenge, and stretch their creativity, imaginations, and natural curiosity? When your child comes home, does he want to tell you excitedly what he’s done today and tell you he can’t wait to go back? That’s the ultimate recommendation.”

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Getting kids ready in the morning is often a struggle during the school year, but it's especially difficult this time of year -- when the kids (not to mention parents) would rather stay in their warm pajamas. All those hats, gloves and scarves have to be collected and put on, adding to the morning rush.

Today I'm passing on some advice from the Wondertime blog's expert advisory board, made up of family experts, who had some tips for taming morning madness:

--Make getting ready fun, if you can, by singing songs for each stage of the process. Or turn getting ready into a fun "race" that the kids can win. Have a pack of toys or books in the car to give the kids an incentive to make it out there and play on the way.

--Help each step along with a chart that reminds children of each thing they must accomplish (brushing teeth, packing backpacks, etc.) before they leave.

--Dial down the stress, including your own. The experts say that if adults seem rushed, kids will get the idea that that's the normal way of getting ready to go somewhere, and they'll naturally resist it.

--Stay focused. On the other hand, you (the adult) should make sure everyone does get out the door on time. Don't let kids dawdle, or they'll think they can do it every day.

Here's a tip that has worked for me recently: Let the kids come downstairs for breakfast in their pajamas and dress there. It lets them feel cozy longer, encourages them to eat more for breakfast, and -- most importantly -- gets them out of their rooms earlier than if they were dressing first.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A friend asked for an expert’s help in understanding night terrors in kids, what causes them, and what to do when they happen. Here’s what Dr. Julie Yeh, a pediatrician at Greater Baltimore Medical Center, wrote back when I asked for guidance:

"Night terrors are a common form of sleep disturbance that occurs during non-REM sleep in young children, usually between the ages of 2 and 6. Typically, the child will wake up very frightened and upset during the early part of the night - somewhere around one to four hours after falling asleep.

"Symptoms include screaming, crying, and sweating with a rapid heart rate. Often, parents are unable to wake the child up and the child will not have memory of the event in the morning.

"These episodes can last anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes and can be distressing for parents, as the child is often inconsolable. (The parents) should offer comfort, safety and reassurance to their child knowing that he or she will come out of it on their own. Yeh says that though it’s natural for parents to want to wake children up while they’re having a night terror, it’s exactly what they shouldn’t try to do. "If night terrors occur on a regular basis, there may be some benefit to waking the child up before the time that he usually has one," she writes. "This may interrupt the sleep cycle and prevent the night terror."

What else can be done to prevent night terrors? "Night terrors can be exacerbated by sleep deprivation or poor bedtime routine, so it is important that children get enough rest and go to bed at the same time every night," Yeh writes. "Most children eventually outgrow night terrors, and medication is rarely necessary."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's time again to ask your questions about how to parent for the Monday Consult. I'll try to get an expert to weigh in on your most pressing concerns. Or, just something that's been bugging you.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Kelly asked us for help with a familiar problem – getting a 2-year-old ready for a new sibling. I turned to Marian Edelman Borden, author of The Baffled Parent’s Guide to Sibling Rivalry.

Borden says that in the first few weeks after a new baby arrives, parents should expect both delightful moments when the kids interact beautifully, and moments that aren’t so pretty. It’s all normal. Here are some of her e-mailed suggestions:

 “Accept the inevitable. As much as you want to create an instant loving bond between your children, there will be times when your older one (and even tually your younger child) will be frustrated that he’s not the center of the universe or doesn’t have your full attention. That’s okay. Encourage him to verbalize his emotions, or help him with the words if he’s not able to put what he’s feeling into language. Compliment him when he’s been a big help or shown great patience.

 “Hunger and fatigue are your enemies. Often sibling rivalry isn’t the product of deep-seated emotions, but of just being tired and hungry. Try to make sure your older one stays on his nap schedule and eats regular, healthy meals. Take the time for yourself to eat healthy meals, and sleep when you can.

 “Big brothers and big sisters are still pretty little. Your older child may regress – asking for a bottle, waking up in the night, having toileting accidents – as he figures out his new life as a sibling. Dig deep and have the patience (and definitely a sense of humor). Don’t insist that he be the “big” boy all the time. This too will pass.

 “Schedule some one-on-one time every day with your older one. As hard as it is -- and there are days when you can’t see how it’s possible to eke out another waking minute -- be sure to spend a little time when it’s just the two of you. When the baby is sleeping, read to your older child instead of doing another load of laundry. Or if you’re going to do the wash, have him help you fold the clothing.

 “Get organized and plan ahead. To reduce your older one’s frustrations, think through how to cope with daily tasks. For example, when you feed the baby, have a basket of books and quiet toys that you use to keep your older child engaged and close by. Prepare a snack and drink for the big brother so he can keep you company. (Make one for yourself too!).”

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Kate Dino asked for guidance on how to handle situations in which kids are regularly exposed to “less than desirable behavior” from adults. “Seriously, how do you talk to them about the fact that Grandma's a racist or Daddy's got a drinking problem?” she asked.

I asked Bonnie Compton, who runs a parent coaching business in Ellicott City called Parenting Partners, to tackle this one. Here’s what she e-mailed back:

“Just as a parent would prohibit children from watching an inappropriate TV show or movie, it is important to monitor and set limits around your child's time spent with family members who may exhibit inappropriate behavior.

“As a parent coach and child therapist, I often remind parents that it is important to be pro-active rather than reactive. By recognizing that a family member is capable of exhibiting undesirable behavior and to avoid the negative consequences of that behavior, you will want to control the encounter. If you allow your child to maintain a relationship with that particular relative, there are several things that you can do:

 “Plan structured activities for your child and family member. Make sure that the activity is fairly short, about 1-2 hours long, and either be present with your child during the visit or ask another responsible adult to monitor the activity.

 “Speak with the family member in advance and share with them your expectations for the visit, such as no racist comments, no drinking both before or during the visit, etc. Explain that if these behaviors occur during the visit, that you will end the visit and reschedule at another time.

 “Before your child visits with the relative, explain in language appropriate to his developmental level that sometimes people make mistakes or have difficulty behaving appropriately. Remind your child that it is your job as his parent to teach responsible behavior and keep him safe, and that if you or the child feel uncomfortable during the visit, you will (both) leave.

 “If you feel that your family member's behavior is out of control and it is unsafe for your child to be around them, then you need to make the decision either to confront your relative about their behavior and/or keep the child away from the relative. This may mean that you have to remove yourself and child from your living situation, or prohibit any visits with the relative. This is a difficult decision to make, but again it is your responsibility as a parent to keep your child safe.

“It is often helpful to talk with a therapist as you deal with life stressors and try to examine difficult family relationships.”

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

I'm looking for parenting questions that an expert can answer for upcoming Monday consults. What's been on your mind?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A while ago, blog reader Michelle asked for help for a teething baby. I asked Dr. Daniel Levy, a pediatrician who chairs the oral health task force of the Maryland chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics, for his tips. (In the past, he's advised us on jogging strollers and how to handle a 4-year-old who thinks Motrin is a treat.)

Here’s what he wrote back:

“Teething, or the eruption of the first (deciduous, or "milk," teeth) commonly occurs in infants in the period between 4 months and 18 months, with the average around 6-12 months. The bottom two teeth (lower incisors) tend to erupt first, followed by the middle or lateral upper incisors.

“This phenomenon may be accompanied by mild pain at the site of eruption. Typically, small pits form in the gums... followed by swelling , and then the appearance of teeth. Occasionally, an eruption cyst forms at the point of eruption, looking like a blood blister.

“Babies vary in the pain they experience, but most of the discomfort may be relieved with acetaminophen drops or ibuprofen drops. Anything cold helps as well. Teething rings, frozen and stale bagels, cold carrots, etc. make life more bearable for baby.

“We discourage topical teething remedies that can be purchased over-the-counter, because they may retard the gag reflex if used excessively. As an alternative, try mixing a teaspoon of Benadryl liquid with an ounce of Maalox, chill the concoction, and dab it on the gums for relief.

Levy also wrote that “the notion that fever is associated with teething is an old wives' tale!”

“Don't forget, as soon as teeth erupt, they should be brushed twice daily with an infant tooth brush and a tiny dab of children's toothpaste,” he wrote. “A first dental appointment should be arranged at 1 year of age.”

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

The fresh start of a new year is a good opportunity to review your family’s emergency plans. What should your kids be expected to do in a disaster? How do you prepare them without scaring them?

The American Academy of Pediatrics has an excellent family-friendly guide to preparing for disasters. Here's the full menu of resources, including lists of emergency supplies to keep on hand. Meanwhile, here are some pointers on how to prepare your child for emergencies:

--“Tell children that a disaster is something that could hurt people or cause damage,” the organization’s site says. “Explain that nature sometimes provides ‘too much of a good thing’-- fire, rain, and wind.”

--Teach kids how to call for help and when to use each emergency number.

--Designate a family contact who lives outside your town and instruct your child to call that person if you’re separated.

--Teach children to keep personal identification with them at all times.

--Every six months, go over your family disaster plan (including two escape routes from each room) and quiz children on it.

(Photo by Baltimore Sun photographer Kenneth Lam)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Let's talk tangles. They're the down side of having a child with long hair -- and getting them out is painful and time-consuming, for parents and kids.

That said, after casting about for advice for my own family, I've finally found some that work to share with you. The tips come from Liz Muller, a hair stylist in Hollywood, Fla., who shared her methods on expertvillage.com. (I added a couple of my own tips in parentheses and at the end.):

--Use a wide-toothed comb, ideally one that rolls. If you don't have a comb, try a paddle brush, which is good for smoothing the hair. (Detangling sprays can help, too.)

--Start combing from the bottom and work your way up. (This seems counterintuitive until you do it, and realize that it makes getting out the snags at the top a lot easier.

--Hold the hair firmly as you work, away from the head, to keep the child from feeling pain. (Sometimes I forget just how firmly you need to grasp the hair with one hand as you comb it out with the other. My daughter doesn't hesitate to remind me.)

--Work with small sections of the hair at a time. You'll do a more thorough job. 

--If your daughter twists her hair in her sleep, take the time to braid it at night. This has worked wonders for us, and you'll make up the time in the morning, when the hair brushes out much more easily. It'll also have a nice little wave.

 Here's a video of Muller demonstrating her techniques:

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

With Hanukkah under way and Christmas coming on Thursday, Baltomommie asked if it's really necessary to have her children write thank-you notes for holiday gifts, or whether they can just dictate their thanks or call.  "I want well-mannered children who express their appreciation, but the thank you notes are always a struggle!"

Joan Grayson Cohen, a licensed clinical social worker at Jewish Community Services who last advised us on talking to strangers, says thank-you notes teach important lessons. "These include being gracious about receiving gifts and valuing the gesture of gift giving," she wrote in an e-mail. "Writing thank you notes also teaches children to think beyond themselves and to make the giver feel appreciated. Taking a little time to express thanks teaches the protocols of civility and consideration, which can be transferred to other situations later in life, such as writing a note after a job interview."

Fortunately, Cohen offered us some tips about writing those notes that should make this act of appreciation more fun for everyone:

--Choose a method appropriate to your child’s age. Younger children who can’t write might draw a picture. They can dictate their thanks and Mom or Dad can write down their words. What a wonderful opportunity this is to begin teaching your child to write his or her name!

--Find alternatives to writing. A children who can write but for whom writing is difficult (or who is resisting) can design his or her own stationery; cut out a picture of the gift from a magazine or the box and tape it in the note; and/or draw or paint the gift in the thank you note.

--Make the task manageable. Don’t be a perfectionist about grammar and spelling. The thank you is more meaningful when it looks like it comes from the child. Brief notes are fine. If a child receives many gifts, space out the notes by writing a few each day.

--Consider e-mail. Be open to different methods of expressing thanks. Today e-mail is acceptable.

--Share the thanks you've received. Give your child positive models by sharing appreciative notes you have received, showing how much the thanks means to someone else.

--Plan ahead. Purchase thank you cards with your child before the holidays (there's still a little time). This will set up the expectation that notes will be written for gifts received – another way to minimize the conflict.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A local father who reads the blog asked me to get an answer to this question: "How do we get our 3-year-old out of our bed?"

West writes that when you do move a child out of your bed, you must be completely consistent. "You mustn’t cave in and take him into your bed sometimes, not even when it's almost morning, or you are going to confuse him," she writes.

If a child has been in your bed for months or years, here's how West suggests you help him sleep in his own room:

-Daytime acclimation to his room if he rarely spends time in it. Play in there, get him changed in there, re-decorate it, talk up how great it is to have your own room and how safe and cozy it is. You may even share what your room was like when you were a child.

-Have him start napping in his room.

-You could decide to co-sleep with him for a few nights in his room, West says, but this is not necessary.

-Have a family meeting. Tell your son that it is now time for him to go to bed and sleep all night in his own room. He may be shocked if he has never had to do that. Explain to him that you will stay with him as he learns how to put himself to sleep. Remind him that when he gets up you will return him to his bed and stay with him until he goes back to sleep. Most of all, tell him how proud of himself he will be. Tell him about other people he knows who sleep in their own bed all night long—older cousins, grandparents, when you were little, etc.

-Create a sticker chart with "sleep manners" -- the behaviors you expect -- such as, "lies quietly in bed," "puts self to sleep with out Daddy lying down next to you," and so on.

-Then pick your first night. Review the manners at bedtime (and the next morning). Have a comforting bedtime routine, kisses and lights out. Sit by the child's bed and offer verbal and physical reassurance, but do not lie down with him. Stay there, engaging very little until he is asleep. Each time he wakes, quietly return him to his bed, remind him that it is not time to wake up, and sit by his bed. Move your chair every 3 days. The next position is in the room but by the door, then in the hall but still in view and then out of view.

There's more on the subject in West's book, Good Night Sleep Tight.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's that time again. I'm trying to get a few Monday Consults going for next few weeks to cut down on my own holiday insanity, and I'd like to have some topical questions to answer.

What's on your mind, parenting-wise, that we haven't covered?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

You may have missed Kayris' good question, buried as it was under the Baked Ziti recipe. She asked:

I found out today that my 2-year-old will most likely need eye surgery and an MRI before that. Any suggestions for making it easier for a child so young, and any suggestions to get ME through having to see my child under general anesthesia?

Our hearts go out to her and the family, obviously; this is going to be hard to endure no matter what advice we can give. I sent her question to Dr. Michael Crocetti, director of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center. Here are his thoughts:

"Having surgery or a medical procedure that requires sedation can be scary and very anxiety provoking for the child and parents. Fortunately, doctors, nurses, and other hospital staff that specialize in pediatric sedation and anesthesia are experts at easing anxiety and going through each step of the process until you feel as comfortable as possible.

"Also, most pediatric centers decorate their rooms and procedure suites in a warm, family-friendly way."

Hospital staff, he says, usually take the age of the child as a cue for how they should work with the family. "Most 2-year-olds have anxiety around strangers and new environments, so for them it's all about surrounding them with familiar things - a special blanket, toy, book, etc.," Crocetti writes.

And even though mom and dad may be extremely nervous about watching their child go through surgery (I would be!), Crocetti writes that it's all the more important to stay calm at a time like this. "Parents should try and appear calm and collected with their children, which I know can be tough, but children can sense your anxiety," he writes.

"Parents are usually allowed to go into the procedure area or operating room with the child. How far the parent goes is dependent on their comfort level and how calm and matter of fact they can keep themselves. Usually children are sedated in a gradual fashion with medications that first make them sleepy followed by stronger medications that put them fully asleep. The parents usually are asked to leave the room once the child is asleep."

The good thing, Crocetti writes, is that kids really won't remember anything from the time they fall asleep until they wake back up after surgery.

Do any of you who've gone through this have advice to share?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

If you’re a parent of a kindergartener or first-grader, you might have noticed some backwards or transposed letters as your child learns to read and write. Some of this is normal, but how would you know if your child had dyslexia?

Susan Schapiro, an educational consultant with offices in Towson and Bel Air who has studied identification and treatment of dyslexia for years, says that if you’re worried, you should pay attention to the following signs. It’s not unusual for a child to exhibit one or two of these signs, but three or more – especially if there is a family history of dyslexia – warrant follow-up with a professional:

Delayed speech

Mixing up sounds in multi-syllabic words (“aminal” for animal, “bisghetti” for spaghetti)

Difficulty learning the alphabet

Difficulty learning the names and/or sounds of letters

Reversing letters, such as a d for b

Difficulty learning to read

Reversing words, such as tip for pit

Inserting or leaving out letters, such as could for cold

Reading a word on one page, but failing to recognize it on another

Slow, labored, inaccurate oral reading

Misreading or omitting common short words

Becoming very tired after reading for only a short time

Poor reading comprehension unless read to

Misreading function words such as to, the, are, of

Difficulty with spelling. The child may be able to memorize words on a spelling test, but can not spell the same words the next day.

Schapiro cautions that you shouldn’t wait too long to seek help if your child is struggling to read on grade level. “Research shows that the longer a child struggles with reading, the harder it will be for that child to catch up.” Resources can be found on her Web site: getsettoread.com.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Momof2 asked: "Now that toy catalogues are filling our mailbox and (ahem) Sunday Sun, how to deal with the gimme, gimme, gimmes? I don't think I can stand listening to all the things my kids want for the next 5-6 weeks until xmas!!!"

I asked Allison Pugh -- assistant professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and author of the soon-to-be-published book Longing and Belonging: Parents, Children and Consumer Culture -- to respond. Here's her post:

"There are different kinds of 'gimmes,' and each kind really takes a different kind of parenting strategy to handle successfully. For all of these, of course, a sustained "no" campaign will work. If parents found it that simple, then they would not be asking for advice, and we would not see polling reporting that 4 out of 5 parents think that America's materialistic society produces 'over-commercialized children.'

"Some 'gimmes' come from exposure to advertising, and it is not just the toy catalogues and Sunday papers that are targeting children. Television is a big conduit for ads -- kids spend more time watching TV annually than they spend in school. The Internet, cereal giveaways, marketing in schools -- these have all become commercial superhighways into children's brains. So the first step to handling this kind of "gimme" is to close down some of those highways, or at least bring them down to one lane. That means try to reduce kids' exposure to marketing techniques, enforce some of those house rules limiting television and Internet time, and try and get the catalogs into the recycling bin before the children get to them.

"Another kind of 'gimme' involves the things -- the toys, games, movies and the like -- that kids think they have to have to be 'normal' when they are with other kids. It is not that children are trying to be better than their peers -- more often they just want to belong to their social group. Kids want to be visible in their worlds, and to do so they have to be able to participate in the conversation at school or in the neighborhood, the conversation about what kind of lunchbox they have or have they seen the latest movie or played that Wii game. Many of the most urgent, persistent 'gimmes' stem from children's desire to be able to join in when a certain topic of conversation comes up, and parents seem to find these kind of requests -- for belonging, for social citizenship, for being "the same as my friends" -- the most difficult to withstand.

"In the short term, parents can try to ascertain what sort of goods carry the most social bang for the buck and restrict their purchases to just those items. They can also work with other parents to build little communities of agreement abstaining from certain purchases, or movies, or practices like party bags, so that "deprived" children do not feel different. But in the long term, parents' best shot is to try to head off some of these gimmes before they happen, by making difference not quite so scary. If parents take steps to celebrate difference, in themselves, in the family, among friends, in schools, children may see that they can belong in their social world even if they are different.

"Then they might not fall victim to what I came to see as the tyranny of sameness, stemming from their longing to belong."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Families all over are talking about the quest to pick the right dog for president-elect Barack Obama’s family. Because daughter Malia is allergic, there’s a lot of talk about the Obamas getting a “hypoallergenic” dog.

But one local allergy expert preaches caution.

“The current talk about ‘hypoallergenic’ dogs . . . can lead to negative outcomes if they perpetuate a myth and create unfounded expectations,” Dr. Alvin Sanico, medical director of the Asthma Sinus Allergy Program at Greater Baltimore Medical Center, wrote to me.

“The fact is that all dogs and cats produce allergens that can be found in their dander and saliva, regardless of their breed and the length of their hair, or lack thereof,” wrote Sanico, who is also an assistant professor of medicine at the Johns Hopkins Division of Allergy and Clinical Immunology. “Some may produce more - or less - allergens than others simply because of their individual nature. Based on this premise, it wouldn't really matter if the Obamas choose a "mutt" over the various breeds that pet pundits now suggest.”

For example, voters in an American Kennel Club poll suggested a poodle would be the best breed for the Obamas. But Sanico cites a study published in the journal Allergy that found levels of an allergenic protein can vary widely within the same breed, and that poodles, for example, can shed relatively high amounts of it. The study concluded there was really no such thing as a hypoallergenic breed.

So how is a family – “first” or otherwise – to choose a pet, if avoiding pets isn't an option? “Before the choice of a dog is finalized, a trial period would be advisable to test whether exposure (to the chosen dog) triggers significant symptoms,” Sanico writes. “Control of allergy and asthma need to be optimized and maintained with appropriate medications. Allergen immunotherapy may be considered, with the understanding that it would take several months before desensitization can be achieved. With the right strategy, the pet can provide joyful companionship instead of consternation.”

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

We need more parenting questions for the Monday Consult. Please post them below, or we'll all just be stuck with the questions I come up with. Yours are more interesting.

By the way, I'm hearing reports that readers are having problems commenting. If you're getting a message that you've posted too many comments -- and you're a real person with a real comment, not a spammer -- please ignore that and keep trying. It's not you; it's us, and a glitch in our system.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 1:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Your infant has been crying -- a lot. That's what babies do. But how do you know if your baby actually has colic? I asked Dr. Charles Shubin, director of pediatrics at Mercy FamilyCare, a division of Family Health Centers of Baltimore, to provide today's Consult.

Colic, Shubin explained, is not a defined medical disease but a diagnosis that's made when doctors and parents have ruled out other reasons for a baby's discomfort. But here are some of the signs he said might lead you to talk to your pediatrician about colic: Your baby is 1 to 4 months of age; she cries for long periods at a time, after you've tried feeding her, burping her and changing her to help; and the extended crying has something of a daytime pattern that often occurs in the late afternoon and early evening. "They cry continuously or a lot, or they're not well consolable," Shubin said.

What can you do if the doctor can't find a physical cause of discomfort and says your child does have colic? Shubin says some parents have had success swaddling the baby -- wrapping her tightly in a blanket like a burrito, which you might have done when she was first born. Vibrating baby chairs and swings might also calm the baby, but Shubin cautions that you shouldn't prop the infant on top of a clothes dryer -- the vibrations might be soothing, but the baby could fall off.

The good news is that time is on a parent's side. Most babies stop extended crying at about the time they learn to sleep through the night, around 4 months, Shubin said. If yours is still crying for hours every day much beyond that, it's time to talk to your doctor again.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: Babies and Toddlers, Expecting, The Monday Consult
        

I know there's a lot going on today, but what better time than the day of an historic election to ponder all aspects of your family's future -- including the parenting questions you'd like to have an expert answer here on this blog?

Post your questions in the comments below. The sooner you ask, the sooner I can get to work on an answer.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 4:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

CKisMom wanted advice on nighttime potty training for her 3 1/2 year old, who uses the bathroom by himself during the day but still needs a pull-up at night. He doesn't drink much before bed and uses the bathroom before lights out, but isn't staying dry.

Dr. Katherine Hopkins, a pediatrician with Box Hill Pediatrics in Abingdon, says it's actually common for kids to wet the bed until they're as old as 7. "If there is a family history of bedwetting, then a later age for night-time control is common," she wrote to me. "The first step in the pursuit of over-night dryness is to evaluate the child’s evening routine. Late dinners, after-school activities with a large drink bottle and bed-time snacks will contribute to the volume of fluid heading to the bladder overnight. Encourage plain water rather than sugary drinks or milk in the evening. Use a smaller glass." (But don't over-restrict water from a child who has reason to be thirsty from physical activity.) "Be sure your child empties his/her bladder just before going to sleep."

If those steps don't work, your child is likely just a heavy sleeper whose need to get to the bathroom isn't waking him up. When he's 7 to 9 years old, you can try intervening with an alarm that attaches to the child's underwear and sounds at the first sign of urine. Because the child may not hear that, Hopkins recommends a parent sleep in the room with the child at first.

"Once the alarm sounds, the parent jumps up, wakes the child (trying to stop the urine flow) gets the child to the bathroom, change the towel on the sheets (which was placed there at the beginning of the night to make clean-up quick) and all go back to sleep till the next alarm," she wrote. "This process usually takes a good 3 to 4 weeks, so you have to be patient and committed!" Eventually, the child should either get up to use the bathroom during the night on his own, or stay dry.

Hopkins recommends consulting your own pediatrician about which alarm is right for you, particularly if your child has other health issues. And if the alarm strategy fails, you might want to talk to the doctor about medication, especially if the child is avoiding camp or sleep-overs because of embarrassment.

By the way, she says daytime wetting or stooling accidents and constipation can be a sign of a more serious medical condition and need to be addressed by a pediatrician sooner rather than later.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Baltomommie wrote to ask for advice on how to help her preschooler stop grinding his teeth at night. She also wanted to know whether a sealant that dentists apply to children's teeth these days to prevent cavities would help protect his teeth from the wear and tear of grinding.

I sent the question to Shari Kohn, a pediatric dentist at Dentistry for Kids in Hunt Valley and a clinical instructor at the University of Maryland Dental School. She counsels patience.

"Many preschoolers grind their teeth," she wrote in an e-mail. "There are many different theories as to why - nothing has been proven. One theory is that grinding is a subconscious stress release. Another is that it is an inherited trait from a parent who grinds. Many parents tell me that their children started grinding when they started school. We also see grinding commonly in children who have a malocclusion or poor bite alignments who will need braces in the future."

There's not much a parent can do when a child is a preschooler, Kohn says, because night guards are a choking hazard at this age. She says most young kids won't suffer anything more than mild wear on their teeth from grinding, and that can be treated with desensitizing products. Most kids will lose their baby teeth before the wear from grinding becomes more severe; if they're still grinding and causing damage to permanent teeth, they'll probably be old enough to wear a night guard then. Children whose bite alignments are causing grinding can be referred to an orthodontist at that point, too.

Anti-cavity sealants aren't an answer to grinding, Kohn says, because they are designed to fill in grooves and pits of teeth, while grinding affects the cusps of teeth.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: Health, The Monday Consult
        

It's time for you to send your questions for the Monday Consults to come. With holidays, economic woes, the upcoming election, and many other topics occupying the minds of parents, there should be ample material for experts to tackle.

Post your questions in the comments section below, and I'll get to work finding experts to answer them.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 10:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Crayon marks are welcome on paper, but as parents know, they often end up on painted walls, wood floors, and other places where they don't belong. A friend asked the best way to get them out, which I thought was a good question for the Monday Consult.

It turns out that Crayola.com has a helpful series of stain removal guides for its products. Here's some of the advice you can find there for regular crayons:

--For brick, carpet, plastic, and a number of other surfaces, WD-40 is the magic bullet. The site outlines various ways to use it, depending on where the mark is. Sometimes you'll need dishwashing detergent as well.

--For unfinished wood, try rubbing alcohol and a soft cloth.

--For unwashable materials, you'll probably want to consult a professional dry cleaner, the guide says, but Amodex ink and stain remover may work.

--The guide includes tips for Crayola activities and toys. You can get Silly Putty out of a child's hair with a generous amount of baby oil or hair conditioner and warm water, which you massage around the Silly Putty and then gently comb out. (Shampoo the hair afterwards.)

The guide is careful to say that you should test the method you're thinking about using on an "inconspicuous area" of the surface to be cleaned. It also says results are not guaranteed. And you should check the box of the product that made the mark before you go to the guide, because the advice changes depending on what your child was using when his coloring went off the reservation.

(Photo by Baltimore Sun photographer Christopher Assaf)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A reader wrote to say that her third-grade daughter is already saying that girls just aren't good at math. "Where in the heck did she get that??," the reader e-mailed me. "Are there any resources for parents who want their girls to not fall into that trap?"

I sent the question to Penny Rheingans, associate professor of computer science and interim director of the Center for Women and Information Technology at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. She wrote that this is largely a problem of perception, and that girls actually perform as well as boys at math at least through high school.

"Unfortunately, the perception alone can be damaging, convincing girls that they're not supposed to succeed at math," she wrote. "Those who belong to groups not typically expected to succeed in a setting . . . are more vulnerable internalizing the inevitable rough spots in a challenging subject. A minor difficulty in a math class can leave a girl convinced that she's the problem and just not suited for math. A boy in a similar situation would be more likely to conclude that the teacher or the test or some other external factor was the problem, since it couldn't possibly be him."

Here are a few tips Rheingans offered to help:

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Girls and math" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Every mom and dad has a huge, very basic question that he or she might feel embarrassed to ask out loud. It's "how can I be a good parent?"

Fortunately, the American Academy of Family Physicians has actually answered this question on its web site with a concise set of guidelines. I thought they made a perfect Monday Consult:

"Show your love. Every day, tell your children: "I love you. You're special to me." Give lots of hugs and kisses.

"Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they're important and that you're interested in what they have to say.

"Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you've taken steps to protect them.

"Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.

"Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you're proud of them.

"Criticize the behavior, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don't say, "You were bad." Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: "Running into the street without looking isn't safe." Then tell the child what to do instead: "First, look both ways for cars."

"Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby-sitters and relatives know (and follow) your family rules.

"Spend time with your children. Do things together, such as reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually an attempt to get your attention."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's time for more questions for the Monday Consult. You can ask about school issues, potty training, what to do when your kid yells at you, and more. I'll look for an expert to provide a good answer.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 1:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Today's question comes from a friend whose second-grader has been saying "I hate school." Over and over. What, if anything, should his parents do?

I sent the question to Richard E. Bavaria, senior vice president for education outreach for Baltimore-based Sylvan Learning. Before joining Sylvan, he was executive director of the department of curriculum and instruction for Baltimore County Public Schools. He has a blog, DrRickblog.com, with tips for parents and educators.

Here's his answer:

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: "I hate school"" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Kelly asked for tips transitioning a 20-month-old toddler from the crib to a "big-kid" bed.

Kim West, a Severna Park social worker who specializes in helping families get children to sleep, has a simple answer: Don't do it yet. She says many parents make the mistake of trying to get a child into a big bed too early, perhaps to free up the crib for a new sibling.

"I worry a lot about a 20-month-old roaming around in his room at night, pulling out drawers, unplugging lamps, exercising all that wonderful but potentially hazardous curiosity," she wrote in a recent newsletter from her practice. "Even if the child is trying to climb out of the crib, I almost always advise parent to keep him in his crib as long as possible, definitely until two and a half, and preferably until three. By then, a child has the cognitive and verbal skills to understand the 'big bed' rules."

If your toddler is climbing out of the crib, West recommends lowering the mattress and putting pillows on the ground in case he does tumble out. If he does get out, she says, put him back in the crib and say "No climbing," but don't interact with him much beyond that. A long nightshirt or T-shirt might make it harder for him to climb out.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

This week, Momof2 is looking for advice on how to keep grandparents "from going completely overboard with expensive, elaborate, space-consuming gifts that don't reflect our parenting values." She writes that even though she has given her kids' grandparents specific suggestions for modest gifts, they've ended up giving costly gifts that don't fit in her house.

This is a tough one, but Jan Faull, a Seattle parent educator and author of several parenting books, addressed it well in an article published on Healthykids.com and parents.com. Here are some of the tips she offered in that piece for managing grandparents who give too much, especially if they are bent on spending a lot:

--Instead of something your child doesn't need, put the grandparents in charge of buying a big-ticket item he does need, such as a big-boy bed. Or they could contribute to a backyard play set.

--Ask grandparents to put money in the kids' college fund instead of buying a present.

--If space is an issue, have grandparents purchase a membership for the child to the local science center. (That way, they could take the child and enjoy each other's company, too.)

--If grandparents have their hearts set on buying an object that's large and expensive, ask them to keep it at their house, so Junior can have something exciting to play with there.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Today’s Monday Consult question comes from a reader who was concerned about a lesson taught in her son’s kindergarten classroom. Because she suspects the lesson plan comes from higher up in the school than her son’s teacher, she was reluctant about taking it to the teacher. And she didn’t want to be seen as one of those pushy “helicopter parents” when the school year has just begun.

But our expert for today, Mariale Hardiman — former principal of Roland Park Elementary-Middle School and now assistant dean for urban school partnerships at the Johns Hopkins University School of Education, says it would be worse to leave the teacher out of the discussion.

If you complain to the principal, or the superintendent, the teacher will eventually be asked about it — and she probably won’t appreciate that you didn’t come to her first. “I think it’s always best to start with the teacher,” Hardiman says. “Getting the teacher’s perspective first before going anywhere else is really very helpful.”

Start by seeking a meeting with the teacher using her preferred method of communication, whether that’s a note in your child’s take-home folder or an e-mail, if she’s given out the address. Say you have a question about the lesson rather than a “problem” — that shows you’re willing to learn more about what’s behind the curriculum and are receptive to the teacher’s and the school’s point of view, Hardiman says.

Depending on the issue, things might be resolved during this discussion. If they’re not, and if the teacher’s not the one who controls this lesson plan, she can help guide a parent about where to go next, Hardiman says.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Today’s question comes from Momof2, who asks:

"Ok, here’s one from a friend who is a stay-at-home dad: how to deal with taking a potty-training or preschool girl to the bathroom? When boys go in a public bathroom with mom, no problem because everyone is in a stall. In the men’s room, there are often men using urinals. Ignore it and take the girl to the men’s room? Ask a stranger to take the girl into the women’s room and help her? Keep her in diapers forever...?"

I asked Molly Brown Koch, a local parent coach for about 50 years and author of the recent book 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children, to respond. In an e-mail, she wrote:

"Taking a little girl into the men’s room could present a problem to her if she has not had such ‘exposure’ earlier. If the little girl is old enough to position herself on the toilet and take care of her hygiene, she might be able to handle the visit to the women’s room herself. Perhaps a cell phone left on, tucked in the child’s pocket, could reassure Dad that everything is fine.

"Boys and girls need explicit instructions as to what to do when they do go in alone. I remember seeing a little girl in the women’s room who was by herself and was well trained in what to do. This included not touching handles with her bare hands and washing her hands after using the toilet. If the child is too young to understand the rules, he/she may be too young to go in alone."

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A while ago Jon asked:

 “At what age can we REALLY start using the jogging stroller for jogging? The folks who work at the running store are, well, kinda macho about it (‘We started when she was 2 months old!’) and the books/literature online sometimes say as late as 8 months.”

I put the question to frequent expert Dr. Daniel Levy, an Owings Mills pediatrician who is a national spokesman for the American Academy of Pediatrics. Levy wrote back in an e-mail that around 4 months, most children would be able to lift their heads when placed on their stomachs, and therefore would have enough head control to ride in a jogging stroller.

“At that point, the head will not bounce around, and there will be minimal danger of the kinds of acceleration/deceleration that might cause injury,” he wrote.

If you’re wondering whether your child has sufficient head control for the jogging stroller, it couldn’t hurt to check with your own pediatrician to get his or her opinion.

By the way, today is the debut of the Monday Consult in the newspaper -- in our new You & Your Health section. Except here, you can add your own comments on the expert's opinion.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Categories: Health, The Monday Consult
        

A while ago, Kayris asked:

I know MD has a bike helmet law. But how strict is it, and does it apply to my 17 month old riding a push toy on my sidewalk?

With the help of transportation guru Michael Dresser, I found some information on the Maryland State Highway Administration web site.

The basic answer is that anyone under the age of 16 in Maryland has to wear a helmet when riding a bicycle on public property, including roadways, trails and sidewalks. In a few places, the requirement extends further: in Howard County you must wear a helmet until you're 17; until 18 in Montgomery County, and in Sykesville, the web site says, everyone must have a helmet, even adults.

The web site also has good tips for making sure a helmet fits properly:  

Continue reading "Bike helmet rules: The Monday Consult" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Several of you wrote in to ask for suggestions for getting your kids back on a school sleep schedule. I hear you -- at my house, we've been letting bedtimes slide a bit, especially for summer celebrations, and wake-up times have also crept later and later.

In a few short weeks, though, we'll have to pull it all together for a school day that starts at 8 a.m. Yikes.

With that in mind, I've pulled together expert tips from a number of sources. I'd love to hear what's worked for you, too:

--This piece from medicinenet.com has tips from National Sleep Foundation experts, who say you should start to transition kids to their school sleep and wake-up times about ten days to two weeks before the start of school. (In other words, if school starts Aug. 25, today would be a good day to start.)

--This site has a video with interviews with several sleep experts, including Jodi Mindell, author of who has written several books on children's sleep. Most important, they say, is having a bedtime routine (which hopefully you've kept up for the summer, albeit at a later hour) that helps kids relax and get ready for sleep. Reading a story right before sleep helps with that, and may help soothe children who are anxious about the start o of a new school year.

--When you set your schedule, make sure kids are getting enough sleep. The National Sleep Foundation says school-aged children should get 10 to 11 hours a night on school nights, and adolescents should get 9.

--This site from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, says it's important to set limits with your kids about how many stories you'll read and what time the lights must be turned off. The site also advises against television, video games, and other screen-centered activities close to bedtime.

--Kim West, the "Sleep Lady" from Annapolis, e-mailed me some of the same tips, along with an important extra: If a child is just starting school, "plan on a snack when they get home and early bedtimes for the first 6 weeks of school. It’s a big adjustment!"

I've found that in the last few days before school, it helps to add a morning "trial run" to the schedule so that the kids not only wake up at the right time, but practice getting their things together and breakfast eaten by the time you'll have to leave. That way, you can figure out where the kinks in the system are, and adjust wake-up time if necessary.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

I'm in need of questions for next Monday's consult. If you're new to the blog, this is a weekly feature in which you get a chance to have your most pressing parenting question answered by an expert.

What are you wondering about?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It may be just the beginning of August, but moms are already thinking about getting kids ready for school. We're checking the supply lists, scoping out the sales, and getting the kids to settle on that all-important backpack choice.

With that in mind, I thought we'd make today's Consult about backpacks. ConsumerReports.org recently published an informative tip sheet, and the results of an interesting test they performed on backpack weight.

The Web site recommends that backpacks and their contents not go much over 10 percent of a child's weight...

(Old Navy backpack photo courtesy of the Associated Press)

Continue reading "Backpack briefing: The Monday Consult" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

A regular reader e-mailed me this week's question, in which she said she worries about her 6-year-old daughter, who doesn't eat much meat or drink much milk.

The girl loves fruits and vegetables, which will make some of us insanely jealous. But her mom worries that she's not getting enough protein or calcium, and wonders about supplements or putting protein powder into smoothies.

The girl will eat yogurt or cheese perhaps once a day, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every now and then.

I put the reader's question to Robin Spence, a registered dietitian at Union Memorial Hospital who has helped us with our Make Over My Meal series (and with a previous Consult on eating lemons).

Here's what she had to say...

(Photo by Bob Fila/Chicago Tribune)

Continue reading "Is she getting enough protein? The Monday Consult" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Though it seems impossible with the ailing housing market, there are families who will use the opportunity of the summer break to make a move -- back to the grandparents, forward to a new job, etc. If they have young children, moms and dads will need to prepare the kids for all the changes that come with new schools and new surroundings.

For our Monday Consult, here are some highlights from a tip sheet on the subject from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

Continue reading "Helping a child through a move" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

I was going to look into my mosquito-bite question this week, when I spotted this question-and-answer exchange on the web site of the American Academy of Pediatrics. (Look for the link under "early childhood.") While it's not a question any of you suggested, I think the answer might be helpful to some of you:

The question is how to get a child to stop sucking his thumb. The answer, the experts at the AAP say, is basically to ignore it. Harsh words and punishment, they say, won't work.

What will? Praise and star charts for when the child does leave his thumb alone. And distraction is also recommended, especially for a child who sucks him thumb while he's bored in the car, watching TV, etc.

The AAP says that if you notice changes in the roof of your child's mouth or in the way his teeth are lining up because of thumb-sucking, you should talk to your pediatrician or pediatric dentist. There may be a device he can wear to help him stop.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's time to ask something I can't answer, but an expert can.

I would like to know the best way to soothe a mosquito bite, but that's just me.

You?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Karen asked for expert advice on positive versus negative discipline. At first I was stumped; it seemed like such a large topic, so open to interpretation and situation (can you be positive when your child is pummeling another kid? Or running into a busy street?).

But then I found the web site of Jane Nelsen, a marriage, family and child counselor who has written a series of books called "Positive Discipline" (for various ages of children and types of parents).

Her site seemed like a good place to start. On it, she has a list of "18 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles."

Here are some of the highlights:

Continue reading "Positive discipline -- The Monday Consult" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Lyme Disease, and how to avoid it, is the subject of today's Consult, because it's the time of year to be outside. Readers wanted to know how to remove a tick, how to look for symptoms of the disease, and whether they should subject their kids to an annual Lyme disease test.

As it happens, the Maryland Department of Health & Mental Hygiene has a great web site on the subject. Here's a primer on how to remove the tick. You'll need tweezers.

As for how to recognize the symptoms of Lyme disease. ...

(Associated Press photo)

Continue reading "Removing a tick -- the Monday consult" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 8:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

I know I'm asking a lot of you all today, with my calls for favorite close-by family vacation spots and great child-care providers in Baltimore City. But it's also time to submit more questions for the Monday Consult.

In case you're new to the blog, this is a Monday feature in which I get an expert on a topic of interest to parents to answer a reader's question, or to provide general tips on something that's timely. I always like it better if I can answer someone's question, because I know I have a million of them.

So ask away.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Is your teen going to be (gulp) driving this summer, and either getting new wheels or inheriting yours? AAA Mid-Atlantic has some tips for choosing the right car that I thought would be a good Monday Consult.

Here are the highlights, condensed from the AAA's press release:

--Safety features are especially important, considering that teen drivers are more than twice as likely to be involved in a crash as adults. You'll at least want antilock braking systems, daytime running lights, electronic stability control, airbags and adjustable/lockable head restraints, AAA says. (ConsumerReports.org has a list of specific recommendations for teen cars.)

--Your budget should factor in insurance on your teen, plus the rising cost of gas. A previously-owned model with good safety features might be the best option. And don't forget the cost of maintenance. 

--Check reliability factors, especially on a used car, before you buy. See that the car has a warranty or purchase an extended warranty. Check its maintenance and crash histories. Get the car inspected before you buy, and look for cars without too many miles on them....

The AAA has more details in a pamphlet called So Your Teen Wants a Car? A Parent’s Guide to Choosing a Vehicle, available at AAA clubs.

Now, you say you want to know more about how to keep your teen safe, get him licensed, and to talk to your teen about driving rules? It's all in this section of the AAA web site. And you might want to check out the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, which has crash-worthiness ratings.

Do those of you who've been through this have tips and stories to share?

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

The Sleep Lady of Annapolis, also known as Kim West, often e-mails thoughts about getting kids to sleep in her newsletter. I thought her strategies for helping kids with their summer sleep would make for a good Monday Consult as we head into the final days of school.

I've condensed her ideas into a few quick tips:

--Getting off schedule can be inevitable when you're traveling. The key is to minimize disruptions and return to the routine as soon as you can. 

-- If you've been working hard to eliminate a child's "sleep crutch," such as being rocked to sleep or nursing to sleep, trying not to fall back on that, even if there are other changes to the sleep routine. You can soothe and comfort more than usual; just don't go back to the crutch.

--Remind kids of the sleep rules even when they're being bent. You might say: "You are sleeping in the same bed as Mommy and Daddy while we are at the lake, but as soon as we get home you and Teddy Bear will be back in your princess bed and Mommy and Daddy will be back in our bed. But we'll come and check on you every night."

--When you return home, consider keeping activities especially light for a day or two to leave plenty of time for rest, and for returning to the usual sleep schedule.

--Be prepared to have to do a little more "sleep coaching" (a method West outlines in her book, Good Night, Sleep Tight.) But the coaching should go faster than it did the first time, because you'll be reinforcing a learned skill.

(2005 photo of Kim West by Sun photographer Andre Chung)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Kris asked for tips on pool safety, which I thought would be a perfect subject for today's consult.

I called the American Red Cross Central Maryland chapter, and the folks there forwarded me a long list of tips for every possible water scenario. Check it out here.

I've pulled out some highlights:

--No matter how well your children can swim and how shallow the water is, it's important to watch them at all times. Young kids should always be within your reach (an arm's length away). Don't depend on the lifeguard.

--"The use of flotation devices and inflatable toys cannot replace parental supervision. Such devices could suddenly shift position, lose air, or slip out from underneath, leaving the child in a dangerous situation."

--Parents should take a CPR course. Knowing these skills can be important around the water and you will expand your capabilities in providing care for your child. The local Red Cross offers them.

Here are a couple of tips for home pools (you'll want to check the full list for more):

--Keep toys away from the pool when it is not in use, because they can attract young children.

--Never leave furniture near a pool fence that would enable a child to climb over the fence.

--If a child is missing, check the pool first. Go to the edge of the pool and scan the entire pool, bottom, and surface, as well as the surrounding pool area.

(2003 photo by Sun photographer Kenneth K. Lam)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Happy Memorial Day. The Monday Consult is here, even on a holiday.

I got an e-mail with these tips last week from the Family Tree, the Baltimore nonprofit that works to prevent child abuse. They seemed particularly timely in light of the recent case of a 16-year-old Riderwood teen who is accused of killing his mother. According to police, they had argued over his performance in school.

And now the school year is ending, which means final grades are coming out. To avoid ugly confrontations over school, the Family Tree says to follow these guidelines:

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Report-card time" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

MGB asked for guidance on preparing her two children, 5 and 10, for the fact that their 13 1/2-year-old dog will probably die soon.

Betsy Brown Braun, a child-development specialist in Pacific Palisades, Calif., has a recent book out that seemed perfect for this question: Just Tell Me What To Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents.

Ideally, she said, parents begin early educating their kids about the life cycle, saying things like: “That rose is starting to die. It is all done living and it fell off the bush.” 

She says children understand death differently at different ages, and gives some ideas for helping each child. Click below to read her post.

(Photo courtesy of Betsy Brown Braun)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Preparing to lose a pet" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's time again for me to ask for questions for the next Monday Consult. Since we've had several expert consultations lately that dealt with young children, you get bonus points for questions about tweens or teens.

And....don't let those Dining at Large posters scare you away from the all-important pizza query for this Thursday's tip sheet. Because if families can't go out to eat pizza, well, we might just have to show up at Charleston instead.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 4:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

This week's question comes from Edamommy, who has been having trouble getting her almost-4-year-old daughter to make transitions from the house to school, a friend's house to home, etc. 

Margo Sipes, executive director of Downtown Baltimore Child Care, has seen many children and parents struggle with transitions over the years. Here's her post about what to do:

(No, that's not Edamommy's daughter clinging to her mommy. It's just a Sun file photo.)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Easing transitions" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

This week's answer goes to Dave, who wondered what to do about an aggressive child who plays regularly with his daughter. They're both a little over 2 years old, and the rough one has been pushing the other one around since they started walking, he said. The tough part is that the parents are friends, and the hitter's mother has been trying to stop her daughter's behavior to no avail. Dave is wondering whether the hitter needs to be excluded from the play group.

Molly Brown Koch, who's been coaching local parents for about 50 years and is author of the recent book 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children, says Dave shouldn't give up on his daughter's playmate just yet. As long as no one's getting seriously hurt, she said, both children have more to gain by learning how to play peacefully in a group.

(Click below to read more of what Koch had to say. ...)

(Photo of Molly Brown Koch courtesy of the Jewish Community Center of Greater Baltimore, where Koch will speak May 14.)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Dealing with a young hitter" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

 Our Monday expert this week is Gretchen Wolff Pritchard, author, illustrator and publisher of the Sunday Paper lectionary series for children and children’s missioner at the Episcopal Church of St. Paul and St. James in New Haven, Conn. (I found her through the Yale Divinity School, which I called for help on this one.)

She was asked to help CKisMom with ideas about how to help a 6-year-old behave in church. Though she uses the word "church," I asked Pritchard to make her comments general enough to apply to all kinds of worship services, and I think she has done that. 

Just to let you know, her post is a bit long, but valuable. Click below to read it.

(Photo of Gretchen Wolff Pritchard courtesy of Gretchen Wolff Pritchard)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Helping children worship" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Since nobody came up with a green question for the Monday Consult, lucky CKisMom gets an answer for the second week in a row. A specialist in children's worship will tackle this problem:

How do I get my six year old to behave at church? I send the two year old to the nursery, but I feel the six year old should be able sit through an hour-long mass (especially when he gets to go to the children's liturgy for part of the time). Instead, he cries and whines the whole time and says how much he hates church and doesn't want to go. Part of me feels like consistency is the key, but the other part of me just doesn't feel like dealing with this ongoing behavior week after week. Any help or advice?

Now it's your turn. What would you ask an expert about children or parenting if you had a free chance? Please post early and often so I can start finding the best people for you.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

This week's Monday Consult features a question from CKisMom, who asked about how many activities are too many for her 6-year-old son. She wrote:  

How do you pick what activities your child(ren) do? How many is too many? I want my sons to experience a diverse set of activities, but I also don't want to over do it. Right now, my 6 year old is in Cub Scouts and starts t-ball this week (he also goes to Sunday School at church, does that count as an activity?). In the past, he has done soccer, dance, art class, and swimming. I'd like to get him back in swimming and for him to learn how to ice skate. He is also starting to ask if he can do karate and piano lessons (we don't own a piano). I just don't know where to draw the line, especially since I (or actually more likely my husband) am the one who has to take him to these activities.

I got in touch with Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a child and adult psychiatrist who is a lecturer on psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and co-author of the book The Overscheduled Child. He emailed back some thoughts. ...

(Click below to read Dr. Rosenfeld's reply.)

(Photo courtesy of Alvin Rosenfeld)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: How many activities?" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Thanks for all the great questions submitted for this Monday's consult. While I wait for experts to get back to me with answers to a couple of them, this week's problem comes from my house, where a certain almost-5-year-old boy loves fruit. Normally that's a great thing, but when I have fresh lemons on the counter -- as I often do when cooking -- he invariably reaches for a wedge.

And wants to eat the whole thing, including the peel.

This seemed yucky and probably unhealthful to me, so I have been discouraging him. And with Baltimore spring events looming with their lemon sticks, it seemed like a good time to ask an expert. So I called Robin Spence, a registered dietitian at Union Memorial Hospital who worked with us last year on The Sun's Make Over My Meal series.

This was a new question for Spence, but after doing a little research, she told me my instincts were right. ...

(Read on for more about kids and lemons)

(Photo by Bob Fila/Chicago Tribune)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Should a kid eat lemons?" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 5:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Last week Kayris posed this problem:

My three-year-old will not stop snatching toys from his 16 month old sister. He wants what she has, even if it's a baby toy that he has long outgrown, simply because she has it. If she abandons it and leaves whatever it is on the floor, he has no interest. But if she picks it up? He's grabbing it from her, which makes her cry. He has toys that are exclusively his that she is not allowed to play with and he gets plenty of one on one time with both parents.I've tried everything I can think of and he's still snatching and she's still screaming. It's driving me batty and I'd love an expert to tell me how to handle it.

I called Ned Gaylin, professor emeritus and former director of the graduate program in marriage and family therapy at the University of Maryland. Gaylin, a father of four and grandfather of three, cautioned that he couldn't give really specific advice because he hadn't met Kayris's children to observe what's going on. But he offered these general thoughts and approaches to try:

--Whose toys are they really? Are the toys in question the boy's toys from when he was a baby? Even though he's outgrown them, he might still feel they're 'his' on some level, Gaylin says. "There may be a question of, who's the owner?" Gaylin says. If this is the problem, it might help to buy a few new toys expressly for the toddler.

--How does the 3-year-old act with other kids? Is he able to share well with children his own age, or is this a problem with them, too? That may affect how you handle it. Either way, Gaylin says, 3-year-olds are ready to learn social skills, which include sharing and showing respect for others' things. ...

(Click below to read more from Gaylin.)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Siblings and their toys" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's that time again, when you get to send in your most important questions about parenting. Not only that, but you get them answered by an expert, for free.

Or -- whaddya think -- should I start charging? ;) Sometimes the more expensive advice is, the more people trust it.

Anyway, the more questions the better, because I'm trying to get ahead on finding experts. So comment early and often in the posting section below. Don't know how to post a comment or question? Follow this link for answers.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Last week's post on a coming dip in the college population prompted Robert to ask for a consult on how to save for college. It seemed to me a particularly good topic in light of our economic woes.

I asked Christopher Brown, president of Ivy League Financial Advisors in Rockville, to give us five tips for saving for college right now. Here are his thoughts:

--Have a conversation with your spouse. If you haven't already, parents need to have a heart-to-heart about what kind of education they're saving for. "What rate do you want to save at – public or private? How many years do they want to save for?" Brown says, noting that many students do not finish college in four years. "There's no right or wrong answer; it all depends on the situation."

--Pick a target number. Though it may be scary, you need to know the ballpark figure you're shooting for, once you've established what kind of education you're funding. Calculators can be found at savingforcollege.com and collegeboard.com.

(Photo of Christopher Brown courtesy of Christopher Brown)

(Click below for more of Brown's tips...)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Saving for college" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Christine threw out an interesting question last week that I thought would be perfect for this week's Monday Consult. She said her 8-year-old son was glued to last Sunday's astronomy Web site:

I have a hard time deciding how much computer time is ok, especially when he is on educational sites - it seems counterintuitive to ask him to stop learning about astronomy, but he could stay online for hours. Any thoughts?

I asked Michael Brody, a child psychiatrist in private practice in Potomac, to give us his thoughts. Brody teaches a course on children and the media at the University of Maryland and chairs a committee on the subject for the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

I was a little surprised to hear Brody say that he wouldn't have different rules if a site is educational. "Screen time," he says, "is screen time, whether it's watching TV or looking at educational sites on the computer. ... An hour to 2 hours a day is plenty."

 Click the link below to read more of what he had to say...

(Photo of Michael Brody courtesy of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry)

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Screen time is screen time" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: Screen Time, The Monday Consult
        

Last week Susan K, a single mom, wrote for help with her 12-year-old. He's very smart, she said, but "lazy" when it comes to school. She's tried both punishment and incentives (like letting him pick their summer vacation destination) to get him to do better, but nothing has worked.

I called Douglas MacIver, a principal research scientist who studies middle schools at the Johns Hopkins University's Center for the Social Organization of Schools, and the father of boys who are in eighth and ninth grade right now. He suggests going in another direction: Harnessing your kid's passion.

"What do they dream about doing when they grow up?," MacIver asks. "For a child who spends a lot of their time watching Animal Planet, let's say, and who whenever they go to library checks out all the animal books they can find, if either the parent or a teacher can when possible make some of those natural connections between what some of their passions are and what they are learning about, it makes a huge difference. Too often, the teachers don't know their kids even well enough to make those natural connections."

The key, MacIver says, is to try to bring the passion to the classroom. If possible, Susan might ask for a meeting with her son's team of teachers to talk about what they have already tried with him, and what they see as his interests. "Explore with the teachers for how many of the assignments is there a choice, an opportunity to do something related to what you're interested in," MacIver says. Then ease up on punishments and inducements, and focus on helping the child get excited about his chosen project for that quarter of the school year.

MacIver also suggests getting some other adults involved -- especially someone who is doing now what Susan's son might dream of doing someday. That person might be able to explain to her son how what he learns in school now is relevant to following his interests later, in a way that Susan can't.

"Once children do reach early adolescence, they will often take some guidance from a mentor that they won't take from a parent," MacIver says. "Sometimes the homework battle or the effort battle will be where the child will be resisting for reasons that have nothing to do with school. It's just an arena to fight some other battle that the parent and the child are fighting." A summer camp that focuses on something her son is interested in might provide opportunities for him to explore those interests while meeting some mentors.

Do you have other ideas for Susan? Please let us know by commenting below.

(Photo of Douglas MacIver, courtesy of Douglas MacIver)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 6:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
        

Make sure to tune in first thing tomorrow morning for the latest Monday Consult. I've got some ideas from an expert for Susan K, who asked last week:

How do you motivate a kid to do better in school. I am a single mom to a 12 y.o. boy who is very smart, but much like I was at that age, he is lazy. Punishments (no computer, tv, or video games) and bribes (when we get our few hundred bucks from the gov't this summer, we can go on vacation - you can pick where we go - within reason) aren't working as well as I would have hoped. Nor is the promises of having the most awful summer of his life by making him do chores, not only around our house, but for everyone who lives in our building - ALL SUMMER! How can you motivate them to do well in school/life just because - not for a reward or to escape punishment! Any suggestions?

Remember, you too can get your parenting questions answered by an expert. And you can weigh in with your own ideas for Susan, parent-to-parent. Just let us hear from you in the comments below, or in an email.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

The floor's open.

What's your most important question involving your kids right now? Remember, you can use a first name or just a handle, so that teenager who's been caught looking at overly mature sites won't know you're asking in a public forum about how to deal with him.

Kris suggested a fire safety primer, which I think is a great idea for the near future, but since she supplied last week's question I'd like to give others a crack at it. (In the meantime, here's a link to our story the other day on smoke detectors, which has lots of vital information about how to prevent and escape from a fire.)

Let's hear from all of you, including all the wonderful stay-at-home dads who showed up yesterday.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 2:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

This week's answer goes out to Kris H., who wondered:

How do you teach kids to "not talk to strangers" while also teaching them to have good manners (which includes talking to strangers)?

Good question. I've experienced confusion from my kids on that score, and I'm not sure I did a good job answering them.

I think Joan Grayson Cohen, a lawyer and social worker, does a better job here. As senior manager of access services for Jewish Family Services  in Baltimore and Jewish Community Services, she is responsible for oversight of outreach programs serving families and children. She's also written a coloring book for parents to use with children called "Playing It Safe With Your Child: Eli and Ellie Learn About Safety.”

To read her answer, click on the "Continue reading" link below...

Continue reading "The Monday Consult: Talking to Strangers" »

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

It's only Wednesday, but it's never too early for me to start thinking about next Monday's Consult (and all the ones after that). I'd like to have some questions in hand soon so I can find the right experts.

What's the top issue causing you Ins-Momnia? It can be a question about discipline, mom-to-mom or dad-to-dad etiquette, teacher relations, home organization, how to get some time for yourself, how to answer a 2-year-old who wants to know how the new baby will get out...

Here are a few things I've been wondering about (not necessarily just on my own behalf, but on yours as custodian of this blog):

 --How do you know when your child is participating in the right activities? Or too many activities? Or too few?

 --Is it OK to let a child quietly read a book in church to keep from squirming?

 --How do I explain the images and stories about the Iraq war in the newspaper to my budding reader when she asks, in an age-appropriate way?

 --Is it a mortal sin to surreptitiously throw away some of the 1,000 art projects a child produces in a given year?

--How do you help a child who's afraid of flying during a plane trip?

 If you'd like to vote for any of these as the topic you'd like addressed next Monday -- or, better yet, suggest your own -- please post below.

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Categories: The Monday Consult
        

Welcome to our first Monday Consult. Each week I'll look for an expert to answer your most pressing questions about parenting. Because he was this blog's very first commenter -- and had an interesting question -- this week's answer goes out to Hugh, whose 4-year-old daughter has been begging for Children's Motrin when she's clearly not sick.

For this question, I turned to Dr. Daniel Levy, a pediatrician in Owings Mills and president of the Maryland chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Here's his e-mailed reply:

"With respect to your little 4 year old who loves Motrin, the most important issue here is safety. All medications should be stored in locked cabinets away from prying little hands and eyes. Kids should also know that any medication should only be given by a parent or caretaker.

"The second issue your reader raises is one of tantrums and feigned illness. The key to both items is this: Children are very process-oriented with their parents. That is, they pay most attention to facial expression, tone of voice, and gestures. If a parent maintains composure, speaks in an even voice, and reacts to what is being experienced instead of the content of the child's words, the child will soon learn to regulate her mood and behavior. In this instance, one might say, 'it looks like you are very upset, but I know you are not sick, and we give this medicine only when you have fever.' End of discussion. It is not necessary to have a whole repartee with a 4 year old.

"While the American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend any of the cough and cold medications, medication to relieve pain or fever is still useful to ameliorate a child's discomfort. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen are both wonderful, safe products when given in doses recommended by the child's health care provider."

(Photo by me)

Posted by Kate Shatzkin at 7:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: Health, The Monday Consult