Rosalind Wiseman, author of the best-selling "Queen Bees and Wanna-bes" book that told us all about girls' friendships, spoke yesterday at the Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt about adolescent body image -- for girls and boys.
I had a chance to interview her beforehand to get some tips for parents about how they should talk to their kids about the way they look. Here are some of Wiseman's pointers:
--Lots of times parents feel that unless a child actually has an eating disorder, it's not something that affects him, Wiseman said. "Like, we live in this kind of culture but it’s not impacting my child. I think it is very difficult for both boys and girls to live in this culture and not feel the pressure…and the ‘rules’ about what you are supposed to look like."
--Don't forget about boys. "I think it's more complicated for boys because boys don’t have a language for how they feel," Wiseman said. "Girls can say, 'I'm having a fat day.' When you don’t have a language you can't communicate your feelings. Look for signs, like your son is going to a birthday swimming party and doesn’t want to take off a shirt."
--Don't tell a kid "you're not fat," when he says he is. "That’s coming from a good place, but you have to affirm your child’s experience," Wiseman said. "Because if you say No, no, no…. that shuts the kid down." Instead, she advises, ask questions when a child says something negative about his body. "You say, What kind of body do you want? You want to be healthy, you want to be strong? What do you want to do to have that?"
--Start talking about body image when your child brings it up. There's no "perfect time" to start talking about body image, Wiseman says. "These kinds of conversations happen organically. You don't have to wait. Kids at 5 will start talking about that stuff. The important thing to say is people should be treated equally with dignity no matter what they weigh. I think that if you just pay attention to what your kids are saying, these things are going to come up."
--Acknowledge your own body baggage. "You really do need to acknowledge your baggage that you bring, the experiences you had when you were young. You have to own it." And once you've acknowledged that, to yourself at least, recognize what won't work, Wiseman says. Don't bribe a child to lose 10 pounds, or second-guess his food choices by saying "Do you really need that?" Instead, when a child raises the issue, engage him in brainstorming about how to live in a healthy way, what physical activities he most likes to do, and how to give him more opportunities to do those activities.