Monday reading: Chinese moms vs. Western moms
As the eldest daughter of first-generation immigrants, my mom was pretty strict. That meant no dating in high school, focusing on school -- aka getting straight A's -- and not getting in any sort of trouble.
So, reading Amy Chua's Wall Street Journal essay on "why Chinese mothers are superior" was amusing and familiar.
Chua's two daughters are not allowed to date in high school, get any grade below an A, watch TV or play on the computer, attend a sleepover, choose their own extracurricular activities, among other don't's.
Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.
Many readers were offended and outraged by Chua's generalizations and stereotypes, as the comments demonstrate. I do wonder if Chua exaggerates somewhat to make her points.
I have mixed feelings. My mom wasn't as strict as Chua. But I did bemoan the fact that my mom wasn't like my friend's parents, who were more lax. At the same time, it was second nature to me that I would do well in school, attend college and make something of myself. My parents expected that, and I expected that of myself.
Take a read, and leave your thoughts here.
Comments
Amy Chau's parenting style is SUPER SUPER EXTREME!
I HATE how she labels her parenting style as the average Chinese parenting style because it isn't one bit!
I'm Chinese and my parents were never like that!
None of my Chinese cousins and friends' parents were like that!
Amy Chau is one EVIL WITCH!
She is abusing her daugthers!
There is no question about that!
Plus, she is creating a false and negative image of Chinese parents!
Posted by: Roger Xue | January 10, 2011 12:11 PM
I am appalled. From what I have read it seems she is teetering on child abuse. I come from a strict family myself. My parents always expected us to be and do the best that we can. Education was a priority in our home but so were the arts. Playing a musical instrument (yes, any of our choosing) was expected and encouraged but not demanded. Receiving A's was expected and encouraged but again not demanded. I did not date either but that was more of my own doing and not my parents (ok, well maybe a little. It is hard to only date Jewish boys when you live in a very non-Jewish town). I never ever got into trouble not because it was expected (and of course that is expected of most parents I believe) of me but because I chose not to. If all children could master a musical instrument or even have straight A's in every subject wouldn't that mean our brains are wired the same. I THINK NOT. It is important to be an individual. Were you might excel in one are another might fail and vice versa. What is worse is that my friends husband is using her essay as an excuse for his behavior towards his children which is somewhat identical to her parenting. The children happen to be terrified of him.
Posted by: susan | January 10, 2011 1:13 PM
I believe in middle ground, many parents today are trying to be the child's friends and that's wrong, but at the same time too strict can back fire too. I believe that you just need to explain to a child what his responsibilities are and why they are important.
Posted by: Smuze | January 10, 2011 6:28 PM
I really hope the author was exaggerating for dramatic effect. This does seem extreme.
I grew up in California and had a number of classmates who were Asian. I still remember one guy telling me about the pressure he felt not only at home, but also at school, because everyone expected the Asian kids to excel. He said "We're not all brilliant!"
Posted by: Dahlink | January 11, 2011 2:36 PM
I was fascinated by this article. For me, it's more of an overall difference in the culture, which of course includes parenting and how a child is raised, etc. It can also be said that our Western view on the elderly is completely different than that of other cultures. Who is right and who is wrong- no one, it's just different, just like how we all parent our children. I also think in Western society, each family has their own culture as well, so it's always not best to clump groups of people together.
Posted by: RachelEJ | January 11, 2011 3:52 PM
I just heard Maureen Corrigan review the book the essay was evidently excerpted from on "Fresh Air" on NPR. She concludes that her 12-year-old daughter won't be making her debut at Carnegie Hall any time soon.
Posted by: Dahlink | January 11, 2011 4:11 PM
I really don't think "Chinese Moms" are too different from "Type A" moms - there are dozens of them in my daughter's preschool (all non-Asian). I like Hsiao-Ching Chou's idea of "a new generation of Tiger Mom" - moms who grew up with a Tiger Mom and are now trying to balance the Eastern and Western approach to parenting with their own kids. It's in this article:
http://www.redtri.com/are-chinese-moms-superior
Posted by: mydogbabe | January 12, 2011 5:37 PM
I'll tell you one thing - Ms. Chau is absolutely right that "nothing is fun until you're good at it." Maybe some of her examples are extreme, but I was amused by the article. Every parent is different. I can honestly say, I don't know any lazy, mis-directed Chinese people :-)
Posted by: Emily B. | January 14, 2011 12:25 PM
If academic excellence is the ultimate goal, there has to be better methods than hysterics and threats. Even Chua eventually understood.
I consider myself lucky. I understood from the start.
I am Chinese, born in Manila from Chinese parents like hers, raised like her.
Unlike Chua, I vowed not to parent like my parents. I continue to resent them. My father passed away recently, and I wept because I could not feel any loss.
I encouraged my daughter to enjoy all the things my parents prohibited, sleepovers and play dates, and school plays.
She missed school to watch the Oscars, and we bonded by playing Nintendo.
I never said, "I am right because I am your mother".
I taught myself to say, "Mother does not know," and "I am sorry. Mother is wrong."
My daughter can only play "Close To You" by The Carpenters on the piano, but she can do it really well!
And still, she is an academic superstar! Near-perfect SAT scores and offers of admission from Harvard, Princeton and Yale. No doubt in my mind about good fortune playing a major role in that.
I never pushed. I encouraged. And I loved unconditionally.
www.thegoodchinesemother.wordpress.com
Posted by: good chinese mother | January 16, 2011 9:01 AM