This is a tough topic to address adequately in a blog comment. It's always a hard choice and I don't think there is just one correct option.

My wife and I both work, but don't HAVE to, although we benefit from the higher income. I think the net difference for us, however, is that with the choice we made I probably have more direct time with our daughter than I would if my wife was a stay at home. The same goes for her if I stayed home (which given our relatively equal incomes could have been a choice and is one I would have readily made). We share responsibility more evenly and since one of us drops her off and the other picks her up, there's no sense that you can be at work whenever you feel an obligation. It forces you to put the child ahead of work when it's your turn, as opposed to leaving it to other parent who is at home.

I admit to being jealous at times of colleagues with a stay at home spouse because of the convenience, but I also find myself having a more clearly engaged relationship with my child than that they seem to have based on chatting with them. They are all good parents--I just have to engage more than I'm guessing I might otherwise.

I also sense that our child sees that both men and women can make the same choices, which I don't get in conversations with the children of friends and family where one of the two stayed home. I think this means something for her expectations of herself.

It sounds like you're going through a stage that never fully ends, but does get a lot better--once the child grows and you can see the additional family/friend extension of a good care provider, it becomes an additional happy/safe place for the child. Our daughter's former daycare (she's in school now) is like a second home for her.

I would feel free to switch daycares if you don't develop this feeling. We switched, and while the first was safe and ok, the second (which we found on a friend's recommendation but which did not have an opening at first) became a family extension that will benefit my daughter throughout her life. (Both were in home, family day cares.)

Sorry for the long post--there's a lot that goes into this. Children are flexible. Yours will be fine either way.

For me it was a bit of a mixture. I truly believe children need to learn to depend on other adults in their lives from a young age. They need to know that even when mommy and daddy can't be with them, there are other people who love and care about them. God forbid anything ever happens to myself or my husband, I would hope their caregivers would be some of the people they would turn to for love.

I also think being in a learning situation from a young age helps groom my child for the expectations they will be faced with at school. I was very fortunate and both of my children stayed with my mother until they were 2.5. At that point, they started at church day care centers. These centers are smaller and more focused than some of the larger options out there. My kids LOVE their school and look forward to going each day. They often asked on the weekends if they can go to school today.

My son is now in 1st grade. We we transitioned to Kindergarten last year, we did not experience any of the anxiety I saw other children go through those first days because he had already been faced with a similar experience and was ready to face the day. he knew I would be there that evening to talk about his day, help with homework, pack his lunch together, etc.

you said it best above. what decision can YOU live with. I know I am a better mother to my kids because I do work and feed my own drive in the office. Other mothers find themselves miserable all day, pining for their children. My desk has many pictures of my kids and I think about them throughout the day too. But not with trepidation and sorrow. I know my daughter is happy at daycare playing with her friends and learning to spell, her colors, her ABC's doing art projects and so much more. I know my son is happy in 1st grade. And we are all happy to come together around the dinner table to talk about our days everyday.

So Hannah...what can you live with? Are you miserable? Would freelancing be a better option?

I'm reading this and I think what a coincidence! I had to come early from work because I got a call from my daughter's day care - she got sick! She is 5 years now and it's always a struggle. I came back to work when she was 12 months old and it was difficult. I felt very unhappy. Then I got pregnent with my son and I stayed at home for a while. This time, coming back to work was a little bit easier. Now, they are both in day care and things are quite OK. Sometimes I even enjoy going to work because it's less busy than home. And the reason I got back to work was the money. Probably, if I could have choose I would have stayed at home with my kids.

I felt that way all the time. It is so hard, especially when they're sick. I hope you find a good solution for you and your family.

I feel for you. The daycare guilt always gets me when illness strikes! This is such a complicated issue. I didn't have a choice-- I had to return to work after my son was born (though now I'm part-time). I often feel like I'm doing a half-a$$ job at work AND at home. For me, the daycare guilt eased once my son became a toddler. He has fun there, and I'm not sure he'd have as much fun at home with me every day. But if I could go back and do it over, I would have saved enough money to stay home for that first year. Of course, then I may not have had a job to come back to!

Steve, I never thought about that before: that when mom works dad gets more contact with the kids. That's so true! Another plus for me to remember when I get a case of the working mom blues. Great to hear a dad's perspective on the issue.

There are no easy answers. And despite what the "Mommy Wars" might say, there are no perfect choices.

I ended up a SAHM partly because my husband and I knew we wanted one of us at home with any children we might have. And also because of money--if I worked FT, nearly all of my income would go to daycare and we didn't see the point. I contimued to work very PT after hours when my husband could be home.

They are 6 and nearly 4 now, and a couple of years ago my mom offered to watch them one day a week so I could work, and that has worked out well too. I get some time in the adult world and they get some time with a loving grandparent.

To be honest, I love the arrangement that we have because I think doing either one FT would make me miserable.

For my husband and I, it did not make sense financially for me to continue to work. I was in retail mgmt., with low pay and horrible hours. Daycare would have cost almost the same as what I made. Once our son was born, I am so glad we made the decision to live on one salary.
We may have had to give up certain purchases(that we really didn't need anyway), maybe haven't traveled to exotic places or stayed in fancy hotels when we do travel, and we hardly ever go out to eat, but staying home to be with our two boys has been the best decision I have ever made.
Every family has to do whatever works for them...but I am so happy I was there for them, sick or not.

Some very thoughtful comments here. I especially appreciated the father's point of view from Steve. Bottom line is that every family has to decide what is best for them, but I want to assure new parents that it DOES GET EASIER as the kids get older--promise!

At one point when I was contemplating quitting my job, I was very surprised when my young son said "Don't quit your job!" I asked why he said that and he said "I don't want a stay at home mom."

The reality for us is that when our second comes later this year, and we have two in daycare, my salary will just cover daycare. But there's more than just salary - my benefits and retirement; staying at a job I really do love.

If I were to stay home, which I do think about sometimes, I think it could be really hard for me to get back into my field in 4 or 5 years.

I'd love to see a discussion of daycare versus nanny? I get so nervous when thinking about a nanny because he/she would be one person spending time with my children all day. I know when I spend time all day, there are low periods. We've chosen daycare because there are multiple adults, but we are also rethinking this with the cost associated with more than one in daycare.

This is EXACTLY the same concerns I'm having. I feel like I'm at a crossroads - I hate having my daughter (9mos) in daycare - but some days aren't so bad (the very few where she doesn't seem to catch something) because I like to think she's having fun while there and learning a lot.
And I'm afraid not to work. I don't know what it's like not to have my own money, (i've been working since age 12 because we didn't have much money growing up) At the same time, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out on getting to know my daughter because I'm always rushing to and from work. I know no one can make these decisions for us, it just really helps to hear all your perspectives - so THANK YOU for sharing!

HC//Vicky, thanks for sharing your story as well. I'm glad I'm not alone, either

I noticed the post above by Michelle and thought I would comment. We have been hosting au pairs for the last four years as an alternative to day care or a nanny. They have been amazing. We started when we had our second child just (18 months after the first) and I found that having an au pair was actually cheaper than paying for two children in full-time day care and much more flexible. Also, she is home with the children so I don't have to miss work if one of the children is sick. She drives them to activities, play groups, etc., as I would do if I was home. I know the idea of a live-in does not work for everyone, but you should consider it. I lived in Germany for years while I was growing up so the thought of introducing my children to different cultures was really appealing to me. It is important to use a really good au pair agency. We have had luck with AuPairCare but there are some other good ones too.