Dads feeling stressed, too, about work-life issues
With Father's Day just a day old, I ran across an interesting New York Times article about dads feeling just as stressed as moms in juggling family and work lives.
I know my husband, E., and other men in our generation want to be more than the breadwinner in the family. But as the article points out, dads are finding it just as difficult as moms to strike the right balance:
But several studies show that fathers are now struggling just as much — and sometimes even more — than mothers in trying to fulfill their responsibilities at home and in the office. Just last week, Boston College released a study called "The New Dad" suggesting that new fathers face a subtle bias in the workplace, which fails to recognize their stepped-up family responsibilities and presumes that they will be largely unaffected by children.
With dads taking on a larger role in childrearing, they are also contributing more to household chores and other activities. Or are they?
Although men do more vacuuming and dishwashing than their fathers did, they still lag behind women when it comes to housework. When both husband and wife work outside the home, the woman spends about 28 hours a week on housework. Her husband can claim only about 16 hours, according to the National Survey of Families and Households from the University of Wisconsin. And men and women themselves paint very different pictures of their domestic duties. In the 2008 Families and Work report, 49 percent of men said they provided most or an equal amount of child care. But only 31 percent of women gave their husbands that much credit. The perception gap continued for cooking and housecleaning — more than 50 percent of men say they do most or half the work; 70 percent of wives say they do all of it.
While I view E. as an equal partner in raising our son, I can't say the same when it comes to chores. I have a mental checklist of what he does or doesn't do around the house. Am I just not giving him enough credit?
Should dads equally share in the household duties as well as childcare responsibilities? What do you think?
Categories: Child Care, Work-life balance
Comments
This article is spot on...I think it's all in the perception. Men really do "think" they do so much more housework than they actually do. My husband considers a trip to Subway "making dinner". Putting a load of clothes in the washing machine
as "doing laundry"...and on top of that, he often forgets about it and it gets moldy and has to be rewashed again anyway. If and when he empties the dishwasher, he never puts the dishes where they belong, it's all very random and sloppy.
But, on the childcare side, he gets an A++++ I often work late hours, and the house may look like Katrina hit, but the kids have been well attended to, played with, homework done etc..
HC//Michelle, do we have the same man? LOL. My experience is so similar.
Posted by: michele | June 21, 2010 12:59 PM
I think it isn't a matter of "should" dads share equally in the housework. It's more like they *have to* in a household where both parents work full time. Sometime during the first trimester of my first pregnancy, my husband ran out of clean underwear because I'd been too wiped out to do laundry. He's done pretty much every load of laundry in the three years since then! With the exception being anything of mine requiring special washing instructions...With bigger responsibilities - i.e. taking care of the kids - he's also right there, front and center. I'm lucky but also it was pretty obvious from the underwear incident on that we'd go off the rails if he didn't take a bigger role in our day-to-day chores.
HC//Do each of you tackle specific chores? I'm curious as to how the arrangement works.
Posted by: Mom of 2 | June 21, 2010 1:21 PM
Re: How our arrangement works - The only "assigned" chores we have are that I do the grocery shopping and he manages our bill-paying. Otherwise, we tackle things kind of randomly and without really talking about it, just doing what we each see needs to get done. Some nights, he cleans up after dinner, sometimes I do; sometimes he takes care of walking the dog, sometimes it's me, etc. I must say we live a kind of cluttered existence - our kitchen island is always covered with stuff, the house should be cleaner in general, etc. But we'd rather spend time with the kids than worry about the dust bunnies. Anyway, it works for us.
Posted by: Mom of 2 | June 21, 2010 2:01 PM
I agree with comments.....my husband, soon to be ex, thought he did alot of the housework and childrearing. I was a stay at home mom so I had the majority of the responsibility of the house as well as the children while he worked. But he felt like i was not doing contributing to the house like him because i did not work, but we have two special needs kids and it was difficult for me to work. So one day he decided that he wanted to leave and he packed his bags and left me and our children, all because i was not bringing money into the house, but what about the countless hours of cleaning house, laundry, cooking everyday, homework with kids, keeping bills in order, doctors appt with kids (which were many, sometimes 3-4 a week). I contribute just as much as he did to the household, and if you would count all the hours that i worked i would make way more money than he did...he is such a loser who don't support or see his kids now, but spends his money on drugs. I do believe that dads are stressed out so are moms but that is what being a grown up with responsibilites means, it's all a part of life.
Posted by: lela | June 21, 2010 2:28 PM
I'm amazed that so many husbands are under the illusion that they do half of the chores. Talk about Fantasyland ...
Posted by: Dave | June 21, 2010 6:25 PM
Marriage is not 50/50. You have to adjust/adapt. People in general would be less disappointed if they entered into a marriage NOT thinking everything is going to be equal. The important part is to be happy and HELP EACH OTHER! Be partners. Don't keep score! Always remember why you fell in love and wanted to get married in the first place.
HC//Good advice to remember. Thanks.
Posted by: Suzie Q | June 22, 2010 9:28 AM
I think it's also important to remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. If the laundry needs to be done, it's nice to ask him (not nag)to start it instead of waiting for him to notice it needs to be done and then feel resentful when he doesn't do it.
And I agree with SuzieQ. Marriage is not a check list of who did what work or who contributed how much money to the family checking account. It's a partnership.
HC//Thanks, Kayris. Another good piece of advice.
Posted by: Kayris | June 22, 2010 3:14 PM
The problem, I think, is often one of perception. My husband's perception of a clean and orderly home is different from mine. For example, he is OK with the kitchen floor being dirty, so it doesn't occur to him to mop it. He definitely helps out, but only after I freak out about the house being dirty and needing help.
HC//That is so true.
Posted by: Betsy | June 23, 2010 10:32 AM