A teenager's bad example
Sara wrote:
How to deal with ornery teenager while younger kids are home too? He curses, does not listen, and is not fun to be with. I see my younger kids 10, 8, 5 and 2 copying his behavior and words, help!
I asked Bonnie Compton, a parenting coach who has advised us on when a child is old enough for a cell phone, to tackle this one. Here's her answer:
"Living through the teenage years can be tough, especially if your teenager is disrespectful or out of control. It can be even tougher if you have younger children living in the house. Little ones often pick up on an older sibling’s behavior and try to mimic it, especially if they get attention by doing so.
First, it’s important to examine your teenager’s disrespectful behavior and try to determine if there could be any underlying cause for it. Certainly the teen years are not easy and can be filled with angst, but sometimes a teen exhibits oppositional behavior. Oppositional or aggressive behavior may indicate and underlying issue such as ADHD, a learning disability, or other possible emotional disorders. If you suspect anything of this nature, it would be important to consult with a professional.
A teenager’s role is to become an individual and separate from their family. This enables them to mature and live their own life as an adult. Some teenagers accomplish this a bit more easily than others. Some resist any control that they feel their parents might have over them, and are ready to fight their parents every step of the way.
To help your teen develop into a responsible young adult, it is important to:
-- Provide clear and consistent expectations
-- Allow them to have some control in their lives (a teenager who feels controlled by their parents will often rebel)
-- Send a clear message that no verbal or physical abuse will be tolerated
-- Reward appropriate behavior
-- Use logical consequences for inappropriate behavior
-- Model appropriate behavior for your teen
-- Respect is a two-way street…do not expect your teen to respect you if you are not being respectful of them
It is also important to send a message to your younger children that your teen’s and children’s behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. However, your focus at this point should be on helping your teen change their behavior. There is an excellent program that you can purchase online, The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman. Other parents have used this program and found it very helpful in turning their teen’s behavior around."
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Comments
Thanks for this post—I think a lot of parents are struggling with these issues. I agree with Bonnie’s excellent advice about providing clear and consistent expectations, and the importance of giving consequences and rewards to our kids. As the editor of Empowering Parents, I hear from parents every day who are dealing with verbal abuse from their children, sibling rivalry, disrespect, or even physical abuse from their kids. James Lehman, MSW, the author of The Total Transformation Program and of many of our articles on EP, has a very direct, unique way of teaching parents about more effective ways to handle inappropriate behavior. I use his methods for my 6 year old son, but parents of teenagers find The Total Transformation equally (if not even more) effective. If you’d like to read more about what James has to say, please check out our website at www.empoweringparents.com. You can sign up for our free weekly newsletter and start receiving it in your inbox right away. Thanks again for the post.
Posted by: Elisabeth Wilkins | November 3, 2009 4:17 PM
I really think that my parents, especially my mum, should read this. They always have those long discussions on how to deal with their daughter, ie, me, and are always wondering why I never listen to them. Um hello? Who would listen to someone who controls your everything?? Why should they check my homework every living second? Why should my mum make me do extra math when I'm already top of the class?? Why should they check what I say to my friends online? I'm a normal teenager who wants to live a life when they're NOT being questioned about their every action and not being asked what I told my best friends online, and I would like some privacy, which means no barging into my room without knocking, no strolling in the toilet when I'm sitting on it, and no saying, where are you going with all that make up on!!
Posted by: Cindy Chen | November 5, 2009 4:02 PM