Toddler Thursday: learning to say no
Here's Sarah K.K. with the weekly installment of Toddler Thursday:
I'm not sure how we got to 15 months old without Isaac knowing what "no" means, but here we are. He'll run into some forbidden corner of the basement, and I'll call out, "NO-NO!" But he just keeps on doing what he's doing until I go over to him and get his attention.
It's not as if he doesn't get the concept at all. If we're trying to feed him something he doesn't want or get him to go somewhere he's not interested in, he shakes his head wildly and even sometimes says something vaguely resembling "nue."
But for the moment, this communication seems to be going in one direction.
One of his favorite activities that I have to dissuade him from is causing a bit of a conundrum. He loves to run into the bathroom (we keep the doors closed, but the cats like to drink from the sink in the half-bath -- clearly Isaac isn't the only one we've had trouble communicating "no" to -- and they know how to open the door). The other day, I sprinted after him into the bathroom, only to find him singing "Hi-iiiiiiiii" into the toilet bowl, totally taken by the echo of his own voice.
"No! No-NO! Dirty!" I said to him as I pulled him away from the bowl (and immediately washied his hands, of course). But then it occurred to me: If I manage to communicate that he needs to stay away from the toilet because it's dirty, won't that pose problems later?
"So, kid, you know that nasty, gross, icky, disgusting, germ-ridden thing I've told you time and time again to stay away from? Yeah, well, now you have to sit on it. Make sense?"
For the time being, I'm leaving "DIRTY" out of the "no-no" equation where the toilet is involved. These are the complexities that never would have occurred me until they were staring me in the face.
But that's toddlerhood in a nutshell, isn't it?
Comments
This piece is a story that doesn't teach a single thing and that is puzzling given the title of the story. The importance of the subject matter cannot be trivialized; it is the reason there are so many behavioral problems in toddlers, children, and teenagers today. It isn't something you start at 15 months of age, its something you start from the get go.
As a father of two I love kids but I take exception to the concept that being firm, tough, or saying "no" is not a "loving thing". Nothing is further from the truth, the proliferation of this fallacy is the reason for our problems today.
Your article is a perfect example of a common mistake, not a solution, and as a result it is a waste of time and space.
SarahKK: Um, wow. I never said we were avoiding teaching him the word or concept no. That is not the case at all. I have been and am continuing to say, in a firm and loving way, "No," when he does something that is not right. I know it will eventually click. It is just that at this time, the word itself has not yet clicked, and so, we keep on plugging, even though we're at an awkward in-between time. That strange time marks a lot of toddlerhood. That is what this was about. Thanks for reading.
Posted by: Alec | October 1, 2009 5:28 PM
Ms. Shatzkin
Thanks for posting my comment and taking the time to reply. My previous comments did not allege that you avoided the use of the word "no" but contend rather that your coddling are the reasons the word never "clicked".
The question to be asked is: What part of "no" do you not understand? it is unequivocal: no means no. What has happened in your case is that for 15 months you have never made clear what the word means; there have never been consequences. Immediate consequences that shock the system. When the kid gets scared, cries, or does not like it, it is the point where the lesson is registered and it the point that most people avoid on account of coddling.
I have had parents of a 9 year old excuse his disrespectful behavior by saying that he did not yet understand the meaning of the word "respect".
We could do well by taking clues from the animal kingdom; empathy has no place because it is a do-or-die proposition. My two, now grown, children knew before they were able to talk and well before they were able to walk (at about 9 months) the meaning of the word "no".
We are more advanced than the animal kingdom but our life is no less perilous; hot stoves, fire, shock, drowning, decapitation,. and death happen every day (read any newspaper). The ability of a 15 month-old child to understand the meaning of the word "no" could well be the difference between life and death (hint; saying it lovingly doesn't cut it).
SarahKK: This was a guest post, not written by Kate Shatzkin. I'm not going to refute the rest of this point by point, but let me be clear. I am not coddling my child and certainly not to the point of putting him in danger, and I do not appreciate the implication.
Posted by: Alec | October 1, 2009 6:42 PM
At 15 months old, a child may certainly have the ability to understand what the word NO means, but that doesn't mean that he will listen. And every kid is different. My older child was one that needed to be physically pulled away from an electrical outlet before he stuck his fingers in it. With my younger kid, clearing my throat and shaking my head was enough to get her to stop what she was doing.
I also found that by rephrasing my words so that I wasn't constantly saying no and being negative, my kids responded better. When they hear it TOO often, they start to tune it out--regardless of whether or not they understand the meaning of the word.
Posted by: Kayris | October 2, 2009 2:28 PM
SKK--don't worry. Pretty soon Isaac will discover that NO is HIS favorite word.
Posted by: Dahlink | October 2, 2009 5:47 PM
It's fascinating to me that people can comment on someone else's parenting when they don't know the child or the parent. By the way Alec - do you have a degree in child development? As someone who does, believe me, what Sarah is describing has nothing to do with "coddling" but more the normal development of a 15 month old child. Sheesh.
Thanks for the post SarahKK. I have a 15 month old and can totally relate.
SarahKK: Thanks, Maryl.
Posted by: ml | October 4, 2009 10:21 AM