Father's Day Friday: When you're not in love with your baby
Guest blogger Oren Miller of A Blogger and a Father takes the Father's Day Friday reins today with a thought-provoking post:
I recently read a blog post from a new father who admitted, to his shame and horror, that he didn't love his newborn son. It takes guts and self-awareness to realize something like that, let alone to admit it in public. And indeed, I can't think of anyone else who's ever said that. I know I didn't say it when I felt that way because I was terrified of the way I was feeling, and I was terrified of being judged if I told others about it.
No one tells you there's a chance you will not love your newborn. In all the classes we took, we saw the happy family leaving the hospital and riding into the sunset with their bundle of joy, so how come this guy wasn't a bundle of joy?
It wasn't an easy pregnancy for my wife, and to a lesser extent, it wasn't an easy pregnancy for me. And when it was over, instead of finally breathing a sigh of relief, we were confronted with the hard part. How could this little thing that spent so much of his time sleeping, be so demanding? Then, one night, while I was holding my crying infant son, I realized I didn't love him. In fact, I resented him for what he did to our happy family. We quit smoking, we moved the dogs away from our bed, and down to a gated living room, we didn't get enough sleep, I quit my job, and for what--THIS THING that didn't even look at me?
I believe it's worse for fathers, at least when compared to breastfeeding mothers. At least the mother can breastfeed to calm the baby and bond with him. But what did I have? Nothing but an impatient "Shhhh...."
I don't know when or why love starts or ends. Sometimes we meet a person and fall in love, and sometimes we get to know someone for a little while before love happens. For me, maybe it was the first time I was able to calm my son down. Or maybe it was the first time I calmed him down after a failed attempt by my wife. Maybe I suddenly felt needed, which made me want to give him everything I had, which then made me love him.
My wife is pregnant with our second child now, and this time I'm ready. I will change the diapers, and I will whisper "Shhh" in the middle of the night, and I will sing and clap and smile, and no matter what, I will not think of myself as a monster for feeling the way I do. And then, one day, my boy or girl will cry in my arms, then suddenly stop to look into my eyes, and then my baby will smile. And I will fall in love.
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Comments
Thank you so much for your honesty, Oren. I agree completely that parents need to be taught that it often takes time to build a relationship with this tiny stranger who (no matter how fervently wished for) turns your life upside down and, in the beginning, offers very little in return. Hormones, sleep deprivation, and stress can affect both mothers and fathers when it comes to bonding with a baby.
I do think, though, that it might be useful (especially when talking to new parents) to delineate between love and the more pleasant emotional rewards OF love. Were you dedicated to the safety and comfort of your newborn, even if you didn't feel too thrilled by him? Did you, even if primarily by supporting your wife, make sure he was fed and sheltered and healthy and as happy as you could make him? Of course you did! I think it would take so much pressure off new parents to explain that that IS love - love is a series of choices made in the best interest of your baby even when you don't feel like it. It is the affection, the infatuation, the emotional rewards that can take a bit of time in coming. If we can think of it that way, perhaps more parents can be secure in the fact that they do love their babies, and won't beat themselves up if the emotional bond takes awhile to develop.
Posted by: Erin | October 9, 2009 8:42 AM
Oren, thank you so much for writing this. Being the mother to a newborn was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I took little joy out of it. The breastfeeding did not make me feel closer to my child. I think that mothers, and fathers, need to be more honest with themselves and others. We shouldn't be made to feel so bad about our feelings. Erin, your comments were just amazing. I never thought about early motherhood in that way. You certainly made me feel more comfortable with my initial feelings. And, despite a rocky start, I'm head over heels in love with my 2 and 1/2 year old!!
Posted by: Margaret | October 9, 2009 9:32 AM
Thanks, Erin and Margaret. I do feel this is not something that should be hidden, but should actually be discussed with new parents--a sort of "just in case" candid conversation in the hospital. They taught me to change diapers and to swaddle, so why couldn't they tell me to put aside romantic ideals and, for the time being, to concentrate on simply taking care of my infant?
More than anything, thank you for letting me know I wasn't alone here. And who knows, maybe another worried mother or father stumbles upon this page and feels better. New parents have a lot of things to deal with, and the pressure of instant affection shouldn't be one of them.
Thanks.
And thanks, Kate, for letting me write this post.
Posted by: OM | October 9, 2009 10:19 PM
While my husband was protective of our second child and said that he loved her, he didn't BOND with her until she was several months old. Sometimes it takes time, and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. After all, not everyone is a baby person, and all newborns pretty much do anyway is cry and poop and sleep and eat.
Posted by: Kayris | October 9, 2009 11:24 PM
Definitely important to know going in as a mom that dad's reaction to infant is not a good indicator of what kind of dad he'll be. Dino Spouse was awful with babies but turned out to be great with them when they turned two or so.
Posted by: Kate Dino | October 10, 2009 10:24 PM