Are you a shouter, not a spanker?
The New York Times today has a very interesting piece about how screaming at your kids is the new spanking.
In other words, most of today's parents would do anything not to spank their kids. But every so often, they lose it and yell, or speak harshly, when a kid won't put on his shoes or draws on the walls or pulls his sister's hair.
I have to admit I'm guilty of this every now and again. Underline the guilty part: It makes me feel terrible. I make a point of apologizing to the child about raising my voice, though I also make clear that if what they were doing was wrong, I'm not apologizing for correcting their behavior.
As the story says, most shouters wouldn't dream of screaming when they're angry at a co-worker, or even at a spouse. What is it about children that makes us think it is OK, even when we don't actively mean it, to yell at them?
Comments
The article is correct. I feel I do my best parenting when I try to be my child's best friend.
Posted by: TAJ | October 22, 2009 2:03 PM
I don't think there's actualy anything wrong with ocassionally raising your voice to your kids, as long as you understand the reasons behind it. I admit that I yell at my kids from time to time, but only when the infractions are major, such as running out in the street in front of an oncoming car. IMO, belittling your kids at a normal voice, ignoring them or hitting them are far worse infractions than yelling.
Posted by: Kayris | October 22, 2009 3:04 PM
Sure, I yell sometimes. I don't "scream" at my kids; that sounds irrational and unhinged. But yes, I do raise my voice at times. And when I do, the kids know I mean business.
I do not yell mean or unkind things. I am not tearing them down. And I do not feel guilty afterwards; if I decide later that I have overreacted, I will talk to my kid about that.
While it's true that I don't yell at co-workers, I am also not responsible for their behavior. I am responsible for my kids' behavior, and sometimes raising my voice gets their attention when nothing else does.
I do not think parents need to apologize for raising their voices, and I worry about the message that sends.
Posted by: Jenny | October 23, 2009 6:48 AM
Kate, thanks for posting this article.
I loved the part about how as adults we would find it jarring if someone at work yelled at us. I have absolutely used that exact analogy when talking to someone I know who does an inordinate amount of yelling as I try to convince her that it's not only counterproductive but also can be hurtful. I mean, really, who wants to get yelled at every time they make a mistake, or don't get it exactly right? What happened to live and learn?
Let me just add that, in my opinion, raising your voice and yelling are not the same thing. You can raise your voice --- to indicate you are serious and expect your child to listen and obey --- without yelling.
To me, yelling is what one does when he or she has lost control of a situation and is giving into the frustration of the moment. Yelling is demeaning, and, dare I say, in the extreme can be tantamount to bullying.
Obviously there are times when yelling is necessary --- say, if your child is about to run out into traffic or touch a hot stove, and you need to get him or her out of harm's way as quickly as possible.
As the "grown-up," it's true that we are responsible for the actions of the children in our care --- but that means we are responsible for teaching the child how to behave and act responsibly. It doesn't mean lording over them.
Posted by: Gina | October 23, 2009 10:29 AM
Shouting as a means of correction is as stupid as spanking is. What you get when you shout at your children is a child who shouts at other children. They become the bosses everybody hates to work for.
Shouting to protect your child from traffic is not an act of discipline. Discipline is punitive. We must move from a culture of punishment to a culture of engagement with children.
Posted by: Mr. Mom | October 23, 2009 1:06 PM