Father's Day Friday: Would toddler have been slapped if she was with her dad?
Here's Joe Burris's take on the man who slapped a toddler at a Georgia Wal Mart to "shut her up":
My mother once told me that when she was growing up in rural South Carolina, she and any other child in the community caught misbehaving could be punished by any adult in that community. What’s more, she said that if the child’s misdeed was particularly harmful, often an adult would spank the child, then tell the child’s parents about it -- which usually led to another spanking.
Needless to say, in my family such an approach to child rearing ended with my mom’s generation. But I’m often troubled to find out that remnants of it still exist.
I thought about it the recently when I read a story about a man in suburban Atlanta who police say slapped a crying 2-year-old girl at a Wal Mart several times after warning the child’s mom to keep her quiet.
One of the many things that disturbs me about the man’s behavior is that I honestly believe he wouldn’t have resorted to it had the toddler been with her father (I can also think of a few mothers who would have made him think twice before rearing his hand).
However, despite the fact that there are many societies working tirelessly to understand children’s emotional development before resorting to knee-jerk reactions, the man’s behavior is not wholly uncommon.
When I’m overseas, I see it quite often.
While living in South Africa in 2001, I saw children physically punished by adults they knew and by some they didn’t know.
And I remember that my daughter had a friend who told my wife and me that she was nervous about beginning the school year because she heard that her new homeroom teacher “hits hard.”
I mentioned that to teachers from a few other countries back then, and many of them said they had no problem with it. In fact, I was told that in some places, a teacher can strike a child for simply answering a question incorrectly.
Somehow I don’t think this is what the sages envisioned when they said, “It takes a village to raise a child.” That goes double for a Wal Mart (for all we know the toddler could have had an ailment, and was not misbehaving).
And even though I often still see parents spank their children in public when I go home to South Carolina, I’m glad that ours is a society where, generally, adults have learned the benefits of resolving issues with kids without getting physical.
Still, I’m surprised that the Wal Mart controversy has yielded a range of responses. I read online comments from folks who say that though they disagree with the man’s actions they often felt like doing the same thing to a child acting out in public.
It reminded me of when I returned here from South Africa and told my daughter’s elementary school teacher how awful it was to know that teachers overseas are permitted to whack children.
“Well, it might be wrong,” she replied, “but I bet they get respected.”
Comments
I wish you'd actually tackled the issue you brought up in the title, because you're right: we still live in a society where men feel free to hit women and children if they're not clearly under the authority of another male. If the dad had been there, the man would have left it to the dad's authority -- as males they're equals. What lesson did that little girl learn about her place and her mother's place in society as females? What are we saying of we choose to ignore it?
Posted by: Holly | September 4, 2009 11:06 AM
This has NOTHING to do with "male" violence or perceived superiority and evrything to do with parental abnegation of responsibilty-both for them selves and their children. American culture no longer'civilizes' its children toward any self discipline. Momentary emotion rules the day. Hence, we have a public arena of so called adults who stamp their feet ,lay down in front of gov. offices yelling "take care of me--ME--ME!
A whole generation would be so much happier and fulfilled if someone had "slapped" (not necesssarily physically) them and made them "shut up" long enough to mature into functioning adults.
Disciplined adult people run the world , make it function.
Really they do. No matter what your therapist tells you. And those adults were taught you do NOT scream for 45 minutes in public. If the mother had been a functioning adult she would not have subjected the public to her child's tantrum. She would have removed the child from the situtaion.
This might be a good lesson for the self involved. If you cannot stop your child from screaming some one else might.
Posted by: DRS | September 4, 2009 1:27 PM
I think the word you are looking for is "abuse" - not "physically punish."
That there are nasty people who feel entitled to hit (abuse) babies and children for any old reason is because society legitimizes parents doing the same in the name of correction. We've a long way to go.
Good article. Hope the SOB was charged.
Posted by: Ollie | September 4, 2009 1:54 PM
Joe said: It reminded me of when I returned here from South Africa and told my daughter’s elementary school teacher how awful it was to know that teachers overseas are permitted to whack children.
“Well, it might be wrong,” she replied, “but I bet they get respected.”
I said:
Somehow I think respect is the wrong word. Hitting a child doesn't teach him to respect you, it teaches him to fear you. And that's not an effective way to discipline kids.
I also think it's funny that so many people who object to a 2 year old child being unable to control herself in public are supportive of a grown man doing exactly the same thing.
Posted by: Kayris | September 4, 2009 2:26 PM
I find the expectation that a two year old must have already developed the skills of highly successful people (rather than just working on it) at her tender age, somewhat amusing, but mostly a pretty sad commentary on our society. I wonder how many people who post defense of the slapper and criticism of the mother and child never misbehaved at 2, 3, 4, or even 7? Does anyone have the whole story about how the mother was coaching the child to try to change the behavior? I realize that in America, it is NOW or nothing for a lot of people. We need results NOW. And c'mon folks, this isn't a five star restaurant where the child is interrupting your special evening. This is WALMART, a place where you will expect to find A LOT of children and families! How inconvenienced are you in reality? How do children LEARN to behave in public if never taken out? No one wants to hear a child having a tantrum and certainly no one wants their child to disturb other people. But, let's face it, kids are actually little human beings, and sometimes they can be as unruly as adults.
Posted by: Jaime | September 5, 2009 2:48 PM
I wonder how he treats his own kids behind the doors of his house?
Posted by: nancy williams | September 7, 2009 10:40 PM
Parenting isn’t easy; sometimes children can be a real challenge. It can be particularly difficult when parents and children are struggling in public and others are staring. A crying baby, a cranky toddler, a bad day at work, or too much to do and too little time…all of these things can affect how a parent responds to his or her child and how we, the general public, respond to them. We’ve all had bad days. That is why it is so important that we step in helpfully when we see a parent or child struggling. Not in judgment, anger or criticism (as we see with Mr. Stephens of Stone Mountain). But rather, with a kind word, a helping hand, a sympathetic smile or a simple distraction. This may be all that it takes to make a parent’s day, or keep a child safe and happy. To learn more about stepping in when parents and children are having a difficult time, visit www.onekindword.org.
Posted by: Chrisine P | September 8, 2009 10:01 AM