Redirecting a 5-year-old's rage
BBC Mom asked for help redirecting her 5-year-old's anger. "His instinct is to hit, but I'm having trouble coming up with an alternative that clicks with him -- blowing out a deep breath, saying, "Pickles!" or "I'm frustrated" -- none of that seems to stick," she wrote.
Susan Parks, director of Kennedy Krieger Institute's Behavior Management Clinic, sent this reply:
"Answering the question of how to re-direct a 5-year-old's "rage" may seem simple and straight forward on the surface, but in fact could be complicated depending on the severity and intensity of the behavior and how well-established the pattern. Unlike "tantrums," which are developmentally typical among 2- and 3-year-olds (where a child becomes easily upset and show anger by crying and striking out) behavior labeled as "rage" may indicate a more intensive expression of anger and could even be associated with more severe mood dysregulation.
"Developmentally, we would expect to see 4- and 5-year-olds beginning to exhibit better control of their emotions than younger toddlers. Hence, "rage" episodes at age 5 that are intensive, lengthy, and include high rates of disruptive behavior (such as physical aggression, property destruction, hard crying and screaming) may require professional advice and counsel.
"If on the other hand, such events are mild in nature (e.g. short lived, minor disruptions) parents should attempt to discern the underlying function or purpose of the behavior. Does the child want attention, access to preferred items or wish to escape from unwanted demands? The parent can then respond accordingly, ignoring disruptions fueled by attention, withholding tangibles in the face of disruptive behaviors, and preventing escape from directives following crying jags.
"Instead, caregivers should consistently remain calm, wait quietly until the child regains composure, specifically label and praise desired behavior, and redirect and attend to appropriate behavior or suitable alternatives (e.g. self-quieting, using words rather than lashing out physically). Physical aggression, specifically, may require other planned interventions (e.g. time-out) and may require consultation with a child mental health professional to assure the procedure is implemented appropriately."
Photo of child hiding her face courtesy of Mel B's photostream on Flickr via Creative Commons
Comments
As a mother of three children ages 11, 9, and 6 I have had plenty of opportunities to redirect the anger of my children when they were upset. I would discourage mothers from allowing their children to be too introspective. That is how self-centeredness is created. It's better to change the focus of the children to something more neutral. For my older children, I ask them to sit down with me and read from one of the chapter books until I can see that they are visibly more calm. It usually takes 5-10 minutes. For my younger child I engage him in some type of conversation that may be of interest or ask him to help me with a chore. If parents practice damage control by diverting the children's interest before they become destructive they won't need to be punished and they will learn how to distract themselves when they are older.
Posted by: Lisa Nash | June 29, 2009 7:49 AM
Thanks for the good advice. I think his falls into the mild in nature.
Posted by: BBCmom | June 29, 2009 8:27 AM
Kirk Martin has some great approaches on dealing with kids' tantrums as well as other parenting tactics that I have found to be very practical. He sends out a free newsletter which you can sign up for by going to his website http://www.celebratecalm.com. He addresses many issues relating to elementary school children and older, but his suggestions work well with younger kids as well.
Posted by: CRM | June 29, 2009 12:20 PM