Father's Day Tuesday: A divorcing dad and his teenagers
Today's Guest Dad is Bernie Kohn, investigations editor here at The Sun. He writes about how hard it is to communicate with your teenagers, often a challenging group for parents under any circumstances, when you're going through a divorce. And it sounds as if he could use the perspective of those of you who've been there, so feel free to chime in.
Here's his post:
"My teenaged boys were already at that stage when they came to believe their father is an alien. As a father, you just sigh, realize they'll think you're a whole lot smarter in a few years, and take advantage of every natural opportunity in front of you for meaningful conversation and male-bonding time to keep the connection going.
"But what happens when you lose that opportunity? When suddenly you're not there every day? When someone else controls their access to you? When you find yourself longing for dismissive grunts?
"This divorce thing is still new to me, as it is to them, and this is the part of the new life that was both expected but is also hardest to fight through. Visitation agreements don't mean much with teenagers. They know just enough about human behavior to know conflict when they see it, but may be more ill-prepared than younger ones to find their own way through it.
"In my case, it's my younger child who seems able to see each parent as a separate entity and build relationships with each; for my older one, it's just one more thing piling on to the many trust issues so typical in the older teenager looking to soon head off on his own. Can I make him have a relationship with me? Do I? Or do I give him his distance, and rely on faith he'll come around when the lawyers are no longer the uninvited people crashing this dance, or when he needs advice in college and has no one else to turn to?
Baltimoresun.com's 
Comments
As a product of divorce, and now a father who experienced it, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. For the children to feel like they're not taking sides means the parents must get along. And there's the rub. Mom and dad get divorced cause they can't get along. Typically, dad does the "right thing" and the kids live with mom in the house. So the trauma of divorce is lessened. In my personal experience, they lived in a beautiful house in an upper class neighborhood. Mom didn't have to work but felt the need to tell the kids they were living in poverty. When we finally decided to sell, I decided to give all of the profit to my ex so the kids could continue to live in a nice lifestyle while dad lived in a one bedroom apt. When trying to explain, to my 13 yr old what I did,, he responded, "of course mom deserved all the money, she lived there." I've been estranged from them for seven years now and hoped one day, they'd see the light, but that seems impossible now. While moms and dads both make mistakes, they greatest mistake one of them can make is not promoting a relationship with the other parent. After all, we only have one mom and one dad.
Posted by: pelham | October 21, 2008 12:03 PM
Divorce is a huge shock to any father who is involved with his children. An acrimonious wife may seek her own form of punishment on her former spouse by using the children as a means to inflict emotional pain on the kid's father. The legal system seems to disregard a father's importance to children save for the economic obligations the law imposes. The fear of being disconnected or worse, replaced, as a father can be paralyzing at times. Add to that the natural inclination of any teenager to want to be more independent of their parents and you can easily see a chasm that appears to be impossible to cross. But I find that a father has to be stronger in his faith, hope and love ~ especially love ~ to remain connected to his teenagers. The teens really don't want you to go away and a father shouldn't. Father also has to avoid using shame, guilt, bribes and threats to keep a relationship with the kids and rely instead on the concept of family and responsibility. It is not easy for a father to feel great about parenting during the teenage years in general but it's especially tough for the kids too. You can always feel a little bit better knowing that it's not all love and hugs and laughter with the mother since she has to deal with teenaged angst more often. Just know that while your role as a father is irreplacable and that your duty to raise your children must still be performed the best way you can and feel good about the fact that you will always be Dad - the best job a guy could ever have. JFS
Posted by: Jeff Sheehan | October 21, 2008 2:52 PM