Positive discipline -- The Monday Consult
Karen asked for expert advice on positive versus negative discipline. At first I was stumped; it seemed like such a large topic, so open to interpretation and situation (can you be positive when your child is pummeling another kid? Or running into a busy street?).
But then I found the web site of Jane Nelsen, a marriage, family and child counselor who has written a series of books called "Positive Discipline" (for various ages of children and types of parents).
Her site seemed like a good place to start. On it, she has a list of "18 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles."
Here are some of the highlights:
--Decide what you will do. I will read a story after teeth are brushed. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seat belts are buckled. (I will pull over to the side of the road when children are fighting.)
--Get children involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, bedtime). Then the routine chart becomes the boss.
--Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don't set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to toys that aren't picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? (This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what you child has to say.)
--Make a "Wheel of Choice" together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite the child to pick something from the wheel.
--Use your sense of humor: Here comes the tickle monster to get little children who don't pick up their toys. This creates closeness and trust.
--No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust -- then do something else. Use non-verbal signals planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first."
Have you used any of these strategies? How have they worked for you?
Comments
I struggle with this one myself. I keep trying to teach my kid to be responsible and realize that his actions have consequences. I've given him a list of chores that need to be done before I get home at lunchtime or else I won't turn the cable on (I passworded the cable so he can't turn it on). It seems like sometimes he expends more time/energy trying to get out of doing his chores, than it would take him to just do them!
Posted by: Suzie Q | June 30, 2008 2:00 PM
For me the sense of humor was key. If I could get my child laughing the battle was close to being won.
Posted by: Dahlink | June 30, 2008 8:12 PM
You may want to take a look at my product to help with setting up routines and letting kids independently accomplish their set tasks. It's called On Task On Time for Kids and follows all the advice in this article.
Posted by: Moschel Kadokura | July 1, 2008 9:45 AM
Jane Nelsen's methods not only are effective but they teach what matters - good judgment, problem solving skills, emotional maturity, responsibility, etc. Being positive doesn't mean being passive, and it doesn't mean always being your child's friend; instead it is a shift toward teaching skills through limits and practice, rather than through fear, intimidation, and guilt.
I am a parent, as well as a trained Positive Discipline facilitator and parent coach. I have used most of these at one time or another; for example for a child that is pummeling another, I'm a big fan of Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time. I can be firm, in that we don't hurt other people and I will stop the behavior and stop the playdate if necessary (and after things have calmed down, require the child to choose some way of repairing the relationship if appropriate), and yet also kind, in that I keep in mind that children are often overtired, undernourished, and not able to access their best skills in moments like that, leading me to (hopefully :)) react calmly and without berating the child. "I love you and it's time to leave. We'll come back to the park another day when you are doing better and we can try again."
I'm no-where near perfect and try not to expect myself to be, as one of her basic tenets is that mistakes are opportunities to learn. I'm constantly learning, often as much about myself as about parenting.
Lisa Stroyan, empathic-parenting.com
Posted by: Lisa Stroyan | July 9, 2008 6:29 PM
I have been a parent for 31 years, and a parent educator for almost 30 of those years. When I first ran across this philosophy it totally changed how I decided to raise my 2 children. I became passionate about using it and about sharing it with others. My daughters are now grown - they were regular kids and we had our share of challenges (I was also a single mom for 12 yrs during the time I was raising them). The most important realization was that this way of parenting does not make 'perfect' kids - it empowers children to be able to think through situations, solve problems, be self-reflective, empathic, and reslient....and isn't that what we all want for our kids?
Penny Davis
Posted by: Penny Davis | July 12, 2008 12:55 PM
"Growing up while Jane Nelsen was writing her books and testing techniques was great fun. My mom always says "Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn." I can tell you, I learned a lot. Now you can too through her books."
http://www.positivediscipline.com/
Posted by: Ken | July 16, 2008 2:52 PM
Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott's tools radically changed the way I parented my own children and worked with young children and teachers when I taught preschool.
My husband and I now teach parenting together. Teaching these tools to others as Certified Postive Discipline Associates is a real privilege.
Now our grown daughters are using Positive DIscipline to raise our grandchildren with great results. No - neither my kids or grandkids are "perfect, with no challenges" - they simply deal with their own challenges more effectively because the adults who care about them use the challenges to help their kids ask questions which lead to learning from their situations. Routines are important - so is "Family Work", and a sense of humor .(We used to put on loud happy music and all work on Saturday mornings to clean the house together - we often found ourselves dancing and singing through the work!) When everyone pitches in to get the work done there is more time to enjoy life together and everyone knows they are valued and connected to the family.
Try some of these tools yourself and see if they don't bring your family more peace and bring you, as a parent, more confidence!
Posted by: Mary L. Hughes | July 20, 2008 12:29 AM