The Monday Consult: Dealing with a young hitter
This week's answer goes to Dave, who wondered what to do about an aggressive child who plays regularly with his daughter. They're both a little over 2 years old, and the rough one has been pushing the other one around since they started walking, he said. The tough part is that the parents are friends, and the hitter's mother has been trying to stop her daughter's behavior to no avail. Dave is wondering whether the hitter needs to be excluded from the play group.
Molly Brown Koch, who's been coaching local parents for about 50 years and is author of the recent book 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children, says Dave shouldn't give up on his daughter's playmate just yet. As long as no one's getting seriously hurt, she said, both children have more to gain by learning how to play peacefully in a group.
(Click below to read more of what Koch had to say. ...)
(Photo of Molly Brown Koch courtesy of the Jewish Community Center of Greater Baltimore, where Koch will speak May 14.)
If time-outs and reprimands aren't working, Koch says, it's time for positive reinforcement.
"I ask parents to turn it around to a positive," she says. "If you play nicely then you get a reward." Part of that reward can be praise while the play time is going well; the child's parent might say: "The kids like you so much today!"
Distraction is another key tactic. Dave can help his daughter by staying alert, during the play group, to signs that the other child is about to get pushy. Before things escalate further, he and other parents can help the kids switch gears by starting a new activity. Dave might talk to his daughter in private about how to head off problems beforehand by asking her how they can play together so that everyone can have a good time. (In other words, trying to find out what sets off the other child.)
At the same time, Dave should help his daughter find the words to speak up for herself and levy her own consequences when the other girl is pushing her around. She could learn to say "I'm not going to play with you if you do that," and then follow through by walking away and playing with someone else.
The parents in the group also might try shortening the length of time the kids are together and making sure there's plenty of food and drink during a play date. Well-rested, well-hydrated kids tend to have better behavior.
Finally, everyone should have patience, even though it's hard. "Unless she’s really burning the place down, I wouldn’t exclude her," Koch says. "Try all these things. We need to strengthen these litle kids, so that they can handle these situations calmly and peacefully."
How do you feel about Koch's advice? Has something else worked for you?
If you'd like to hear more from Koch, she'll be lecturing and leading a discussion at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday, May 14, on "Respectful Children: A Lost Cause?" at the Rosenbloom Owings Mills Jewish Community Center, 3506 Gwynnbrook Ave., Owings Mills. Admission is free.
