Not-quite-a-mother's day
Our expecting friend Amy asked an interesting question the other day that you may have missed:
Any suggestions on how to gently decline Mother's Day wishes when one is still about a month away from being a mom? I know folks have the best of intentions, and I am probably just being superstitious, but it doesn't quite feel right yet...
I never faced this one myself -- because my first baby was born in early spring, I wasn't pregnant on Mother's Day. But I'm sure many of you were. What did you say when someone wished you Happy Mother's Day before you were actually a mom?
I guess I would have done what I did when people meant well but had other kinds of unwanted things to say or do. Like touching my belly when I didn't really know them. Or saying I was obviously carrying a boy or a girl. Or telling me their delivery horror stories.
I'd just smile, smile, smile, until they stopped or went away.
Anyone have advice for Amy?
(Photo of Bono kissing Gwen Stefani's belly at the 2006 Grammy Awards, by Richard Hartog, Associated Press)
Comments
Thank you. Declining good wishes is too tacky for words. Kevin Cowherd wrote an excellent column on self-involvement.
Posted by: Granny | May 8, 2008 4:38 PM
I know some religions do not accept baby gifts until the child is born, but if a mother accepts gifts at a baby shower, how is it any different to accept well wishes and allowing others to express good will towards a women's journey in motherhood? Whether the baby is in or out (politics aside, of course), you are a mom now. Happy Mothers Day!
Posted by: Annelies | May 8, 2008 5:57 PM
I understand being superstitious in this way. I did not want a baby shower because I just wanted to be sure I had a baby before I brought all that stuff home! We kept baby stuff out of our house until the weekend my son was born. Then my parents came over and set the baby room up, including the crib.
I don't think there is a way to decline good wishes. Also, there is no need. Just smile and say, "Thanks, I'm excited about becoming a mom." This satisfies your need to keep in mind that you're not a mom just yet while being gracious about the kind words and good intentions of your well-wisher.
Posted by: Jenny | May 9, 2008 8:57 AM
I lost a baby once, so I can understand her feelings a bit. She should be honest and say that maybe they don't agree or understand, and maybe it's those 'pregnancy hormones,' but she'd rather receive their good wishes after the baby is born. (She could even decline saying she's feeling sick/bulky/etc., - those last weeks of pregancy are tough and most should understand). She could also say that the best way someone could express their good wishes would be to keep her family in their prayers. I don't think anyne that honestly wants to celebrate her impending motherhood would be (or should be) offended by those responses.
Posted by: laura | May 9, 2008 10:07 AM
I have to agree that you don't decline those well wishes... you say thank you and let it go. While, like Kate, I wasn't pregnant on Mother's Day (my child was born in March), I was a mother before she was born... even in the event of a tragic loss, I was still a mother. I loved and nurtured that child through the entire pregnancy and I WAS a mother, so to have wished me a happy mother's day would not have been offensive at all.
But it IS offensive to defer any wishes of happiness that are sincerely offered.
The correct response would be "Thank you" and if it makes you uncomfortable, change the subject to another topic.
Posted by: Laura H | May 10, 2008 9:31 AM