Tip Sheet Thursday: Advice for the expecting
Thanks for all the great comments, gear recommendations and other pieces of advice for Amy and other moms (and dads) to be. I'm sure we all appreciate them, with the possible exception of Amy's friends and relatives, who will now have to deal with a supersized registry of all your suggested items.
Even with all those recommendations I found myself wanting to know more about some of the gear (Lea Orlando, what's a bumbo seat?). So I'll do a little more research and save that list for later. Meanwhile, with your comments and some advice I've been thinking about, there's more than enough for a tip sheet on Things We Wish We'd Known before that first baby came.
Here goes. (Click below for the list and see why in the world Coco Chanel is pictured in her little black dress. ...):
We wish we'd known:
--To keep a little black dress fund. When you're carefree and single (or married without kids), there's usually a little money available for splurges on stuff that makes you feel sexy, great, or just utterly yourself. When a baby comes, there's less money to spend on yourself, yet more need than ever for those beautiful things. Set aside the dollars now, and keep feeding that fund for both parents. (Even if your black dress is no longer so little. It's a concept, not a size.)
--Not to be intimidated in the delivery room. As Jenny says, "it's your body." This doesn't mean necessarily going against solid medical advice, but having a plan for what you want and letting it be known. During my first labor, I ended up kind of tethered to the bed; during the second, I knew enough to ask if I could walk the halls as long as possible. It went much better.
--To plan beyond birth. Momof2 notes that she felt overprepared for delivery and underprepared for the next six weeks. I'm still laughing at my plan to learn Spanish in my "free time" on maternity leave. I think I would have felt less jolted by the reality of the first few months if I'd known more what to really expect, and that...
--"This too shall pass." Thanks to SZ for this one. Baby time is not real time. The first three months of the first baby's life seem to take approximately five years. The first five minutes of crying during Ferberizing? At least three hours. Only the fun times go fast. So hold them in your mind, firmly, when madness lurks.
--To think carefully about when to invite live-in family 'help.' This depends on the dynamics within your family and some other factors, but it's an important decision either way. Debra points out that things can actually get tougher a few weeks after birth, and that's when you'll want help. Also, you may want a little time to feel confident and bond with your new family. But m wishes she'd had the help sooner.
--To join a group of brand-new moms (or dads) where no one minds the crying. Yours or the baby's. Leeann mentions, and I heartily second, the group run at Greater Baltimore Medical Center by Deedee Franke. There are others; ask your ob/gyn for a good one near you. Dads can now consider their own program at Anne Arundel Medical Center. The upside: You get bonding now, potential friends-with-kids-the-same-age for later.
--To ask for help and to say no. "If people don't offer help, ask for it and tell them specifically what you need," writes m. If folks want to come over and "see the baby," it's fine to tell them it's not a good time, as Kayris says. And for God's sake, don't go making cookies for them.
--To be a team with our husbands/partners. They often feel left out during this early stage of babyhood, when infant and mom are usually inseparable. (Guys, chime in below.) If moms don't give them a chance to muddle through and find their way (like most of the women are doing), they can lose confidence and opt out of a lot of tasks. No good for anybody.
--That you might actually be able to have a civilized meal in a nice restaurant with a weeks-old baby. The sandboxers over at Dining at Large may cry foul (bring it on), but babies that new really do sleep a lot. And parents that new really, really need a treat. Tuck Junior into the little car seat basket, don't linger too long over dinner, go at an uncrowded time, and you just might make it through a meal. Of course, if there's screaming, be prepared for a quick exit.
--That motherhood is like a boot camp that can break you down and make you someone new. But don't worry. You'll probably really dig her.
Comments
Whenever I go to a baby shower or to see a friend's new baby, my new favorite gifts to give are a gift card to a (reasonably) nice restaurant and a bottle of wine (Usually "Mommy's Time Out"). The new babies always get the gifts and the parents are the ones doing all the work! Not fair!
Posted by: Susan K | April 24, 2008 3:31 PM
I usually hang out in the D@L sandbox, but as a veteran mother, I check out this blog from time to time. No one minds your sleeping angel, but please have the good sense to take a screaming baby outside!
Posted by: Dahlink | April 24, 2008 4:19 PM
This may come as a shock to parents of young children: while you may have become conditioned and hardened to the screams, whines, chair kicking and other disruptive behaviours of you children, others are not so conditioned. Get up, and remove the child. If I had an attack of flatulence, I would not continue sitting next to you, even if I wasn't bothered. (D@L regular.)
Hey there, RTSO -- I absolutely agree that if a kid is making any kind of outburst in a restaurant, the parents must exit swiftly, as I said above. But if a teeny baby sleeps most of the time between feedings and can be tucked quietly next to a parent's chair, that shouldn't bother other diners. That stage of a baby's life is also a time when the child seems so new that you just can't bear to leave him with a stranger. And you may not have family or friends available to help out.
Posted by: Robert (the Single One) | April 24, 2008 6:12 PM
A well behaved child is never an issue for me, whether eating at McDonalds or Petit Louis. It matters not if the child is in a carrier, high chair or regular chair. Well behaved does not include the 'useing of our outside voices' more than once.
Posted by: Robert (the Single One) | April 24, 2008 6:54 PM
What a great list -- thanks!
Posted by: Jamie | April 24, 2008 9:25 PM
In response to the comments above, I add this:
Yes, please, please take your child out if they are misbehaving, crying, screaming, yelling, running through the restaurant, etc.
While I try to sympathize with new parents, it boils down to this: you chose to have this child. If that means you cannot go out to dinner bc you cannot find a babysitter, I'm sorry, but that was your choice. If your child cannot behave in public, they need to stay home. If that means you have to stay home, again, you wanted a child.
Posted by: C Hughes | April 25, 2008 7:07 AM
DeeDee's class at GBMC is AMAZING!! My son just turned 3 and I still get together with a group of 12 moms that I met in this class. Our children were all born within a month of each other and it's been a truly supportive group of moms. We just had a group birthday party for all the kids, which we do every year, and it's incredible to watch them grow and change into little people. Of course, our group has about doubled by now because most of our kids are older siblings now! I can't imagine what I would have done in those first 2 months without Dee Dee and my group of moms!!
Posted by: Rebecca | April 25, 2008 8:23 AM
I wish someone had tipped me off on Gripe Water sooner. It helped during the colickey moments and works with teething too. It's all natural!
I think a restaurant gift card is a great idea. People without kids don't fully understand what the early days of parenthood are like. A time comes where you absolutely need to get out of the house and eat a meal that you didn't have to cook, but you really aren't ready to leave the baby with someone else. I personally have never been in a restaurant where a newborn caused too much of a disruption. If the baby cries, mom or dad typically takes the baby for a walk. I have, however, had my meal disturbed by adults talking loudly on their cell phones, drunk people, and single men behaving badly. At least the child has an excuse!
Posted by: MomofBeans | April 25, 2008 8:41 AM
Kate you have been out of the loop too long! A "Bumbo" (which came out after our first were born in 2001) is a soft foam seat that is great for the "just starting to eat solids" to the "finger food"/sitting alone stages. This is much better than attempting to hold you tiny messy baby in the sideways position on your lap to eat his first solids. I also used this on the floor to give my baby a new perspective, he would play with pots and pans while I cooked dinner. I must say that though the Bumbo ws short lived, I thought it was great!
Posted by: Lea Orlando | April 26, 2008 4:16 PM
Hi Kate - You reference gear recommendations above but there is no link - was there a separate post on that subject? I am expecting and would love recommendations on what gear is needed. Thanks!
That's a good reminder to do that Tip Sheet!
Posted by: MK | August 4, 2008 2:06 PM