The Monday Consult: Siblings and their toys
Last week Kayris posed this problem:
My three-year-old will not stop snatching toys from his 16 month old sister. He wants what she has, even if it's a baby toy that he has long outgrown, simply because she has it. If she abandons it and leaves whatever it is on the floor, he has no interest. But if she picks it up? He's grabbing it from her, which makes her cry. He has toys that are exclusively his that she is not allowed to play with and he gets plenty of one on one time with both parents.I've tried everything I can think of and he's still snatching and she's still screaming. It's driving me batty and I'd love an expert to tell me how to handle it.
I called Ned Gaylin, professor emeritus and former director of the graduate program in marriage and family therapy at the University of Maryland. Gaylin, a father of four and grandfather of three, cautioned that he couldn't give really specific advice because he hadn't met Kayris's children to observe what's going on. But he offered these general thoughts and approaches to try:
--Whose toys are they really? Are the toys in question the boy's toys from when he was a baby? Even though he's outgrown them, he might still feel they're 'his' on some level, Gaylin says. "There may be a question of, who's the owner?" Gaylin says. If this is the problem, it might help to buy a few new toys expressly for the toddler.
--How does the 3-year-old act with other kids? Is he able to share well with children his own age, or is this a problem with them, too? That may affect how you handle it. Either way, Gaylin says, 3-year-olds are ready to learn social skills, which include sharing and showing respect for others' things. ...
(Click below to read more from Gaylin.)
--Praise and consequences. Consequences -- don't call them punishment, Gaylin says -- should closely follow and fit the 'crime.' If the older sibling keeps snatching his sister's toy after being told not to do it, one of his own big-kid toys might be taken away for a while. "I would say, 'This is what it feels like when you have taken a toy away from her,' " Gaylin says. " 'It's not nice.' "
By the same token, make a point of noticing and praising positive behavior as soon as you see it. You might reward good behavior by returning a toy that had been taken away for bad behavior.
--Stay calm. Even though the kids are probably screaming when this happens, which can easily cause a parent's temper to rise, it's important to explain and enforce the consequences firmly but dispassionately, Gaylin says.
Sibling disputes are a big topic, and I know you readers probably have plenty of advice of your own to share with Kayris and Karen, whose slightly older children have been going at it, too. I'll pass on some of my own thoughts and more resources in another post. Meanwhile, what has worked for you?
Baltimoresun.com's 
Comments
Thanks for using my comment for the Monday consult!
Some of the toys in question ARE toys that were his, but she also has toys that are hers only. It doesn't seem to matter, she can be playing with a paper cup and he still wants it.
He shares just fine with other kids his age, so I have to assume this is a sibling thing.
Since I posted the comment, we started trying something new. If she has something he wants, he is supposed to ask her if he can have it. Both times he has asked so far, the baby has handed it over with no screaming.
It's a start.
Posted by: Kayris | April 7, 2008 11:07 AM