The Monday Consult: How many activities?
This week's Monday Consult features a question from CKisMom, who asked about how many activities are too many for her 6-year-old son. She wrote:
How do you pick what activities your child(ren) do? How many is too many? I want my sons to experience a diverse set of activities, but I also don't want to over do it. Right now, my 6 year old is in Cub Scouts and starts t-ball this week (he also goes to Sunday School at church, does that count as an activity?). In the past, he has done soccer, dance, art class, and swimming. I'd like to get him back in swimming and for him to learn how to ice skate. He is also starting to ask if he can do karate and piano lessons (we don't own a piano). I just don't know where to draw the line, especially since I (or actually more likely my husband) am the one who has to take him to these activities.
I got in touch with Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a child and adult psychiatrist who is a lecturer on psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and co-author of the book The Overscheduled Child. He emailed back some thoughts. ...
(Click below to read Dr. Rosenfeld's reply.)
(Photo courtesy of Alvin Rosenfeld)
"Parenting is a higher calling than being a cruise ship activities director. Although enrichment activities can add a great deal to a child’s growth and well being, many parents have become convinced that the more activities they add, the more likely their child is to eventually succeed at life. Unfortunately, that approach often makes the family’s pace frenetic and turns Mom into a near full-time chauffeur. What gets lost in this “race to nowhere” is the sense of balance, balance between scheduled activities and down time, between the parents’ need to sacrifice for their child’s well-being and their need to spend undemanding time together as a family. Sometimes, children get enriched while their parents’ marriage erodes because Mom and Dad have no free time to spend together as a couple.
In my experience as a child psychiatrist, it is warm, close relationships – not activities – that make all the difference. If child feels that Mom and Dad love him or her for whom they are – rather than for what they can accomplish, life will never defeat them however difficult it may become. So as a parent, I would urge you to aim for a balanced family life in which everyone – including you and your husband -- feels they are getting something for themselves.
"But I don’t want to sidestep the question you asked about the number of activities. Each family differs in what is optimal for them. It is great that while your child is so young, you want to expose him to several activities. Don’t feel you have to include everything. He seems to have expressed a personal interest, karate and piano. With the right sensei, karate is a wonderful exercise, sport, and a great way to learn self-discipline; with an encouraging teacher, piano speaks for itself. I would choose those above all the others because it would be worth giving your son what he feels would suit him, and to simultaneously give him the message that I – your Mom – want you to be the author of your own life and to pursue the interests you have rather than just doing the ones the neighbors say are “good for you.” If you can afford to, numerous companies rent pianos while sophisticated electronic keyboards are within many families’ reach.
"With two or three scheduled activities plus Sunday school, he has a pretty busy schedule. Being sure he also has some free time would be beneficial. Don’t be concerned if he gets a bit bored. Boredom in moderation is not your enemy. It can stimulate kids to hear the soft murmurings of their inner voice, the one that makes them write this unusual story or draw that unique picture.
"That creativity is critical. America’s economic success is based on people who bucked conventional wisdom, followed their inner passions, tinkered, and created, people like Alexander Graham Bell, David Packard, Matt Groening and college dropouts Michael Dell and Bill Gates. Had Alexander Graham Bell been as over-scheduled as our kids we might still be using carrier pigeons to communicate!
"So aim for a balance between the scheduled and free time, between time you sacrifice for your kids and times you enjoy together, time for them and time for your marriage. Kids who have happier parents do far better. So what is one of the best things you can do to help your child? Have more fun in bed!"
Ahem.
So what do you think of Dr. Rosenfeld's comments? Please post your own ideas and experiences with the activities dilemma below.
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Comments
I give my kids plenty of time to hear the "soft murmurings of their inner voice[s],'' but that soft murmuring is often drowned out by the loud whines of "There's nothing to do!"
But he's right - family first, individual child second. Best for family, best for child...and really, this question of how many activities is more a problem of affluence than anything else - only those of us who have enough money to pay for all these activities for very young children have the dilemma of making these choices. We have a fairly strict policy of no paid-for activities for children younger than 10 (aside from some swim lessons); financially and sanity-wise, this makes the most sense.
Posted by: suburbancorrespondent | April 21, 2008 7:36 AM
I think my mom breathed a sigh of relief when my brother got into high school and joined the band, which I was already a member of. That way, our schedules were the same and she only had one drop off to do.
I signed my son up for preschool starting in the fall, and decided not to sign him up for any actvities this summer because I want to enjoy that last little bit of unscheduled time, even if we're sitting around bored, before he starts school. After that, he'll be making friends and going to play dates and playing sports.
Posted by: Kayris | April 21, 2008 10:36 AM
What do I think of his comments? I think the "Have more fun in bed!" was quite enjoyable.
Seriously though, I would agree that every family is unique with what is optimal, and that the child's personal interest and temperment can help determine the right activities, both type and number.
Suburbancorrespondent is also right on point: when a family only has a budget for one activity for a child, it becomes very easy to prioritize and the question of what is too many is moot.
I think it is so amazing the number of really great focus programs and specialized camps and activities that are available to children these days. They all sound so fun, both to grown-ups and to kids, I can see how it is easy to fill up a schedule without even realizing it.
Posted by: Annelies | April 21, 2008 12:37 PM
I can recall my childhood running from one activity to the next. My mother did call herself our 'chauffeur' and she wasn't having a stitch of fun doing it. At some point, I wondered if I then participated in after school sports to enjoy them or avoid being home with our not so happy family... We were all simply just too busy. Now, when I start to feel as if I need to hit the panic button, we now try to think, do we really need to do all of this.... Its a tough balance.
Posted by: KQ Mom | April 21, 2008 9:17 PM
I appreciate his comments and do understand his points. I guess what I didn't make clear was that my son (which I am sure is normal for a 6 year old) changes his mind about what activities he'd like to do depending on the day. He's in t-ball and Cub Scouts because he wanted to do those activities, not because my husband and I like to fill up our schedules. Now that he is in them, he wants to do karate and piano lessons. Tomorrow, it might be swimming lessons or something else. So, I have a difficult time trying to figure out which activities he really wants to do. For us, I think two activities (plus Sunday School) works at one time. So, once Cub Scouts or t-ball is over, we might look into karate or something else. We'll see.
Of course, my biggest fear is when my almost 3 year old starts with the activities and then we'll have two to manage (and I am sure we'll be going in two different directions). I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Posted by: CKisMom | April 22, 2008 11:44 AM
I think moderation is the key: during the school year, only one sport per season (including karate classes or being on a school team). During the school year, only art activity at a time: music or dance or classes at the painting workshop, etc. Preparation for a bar/bat mitzvah will mean giving up something else, unless the classes take place during the school day. Swimming lessons (as a safety concern) would be the only thing I would exempt from this limit. After all, your child can do a lot of things during summer camp season, but during the school year it is just too distracting from schoolwork and too hard on the parents, particularly in both work full time, as we do in my household.
Posted by: momof2 | April 22, 2008 11:54 AM