Father's Day Tuesday: Secrets of a Stay-At-Home Dad
When Brian asked for tips on how to be a stay-at-home dad for his infant daughter, I turned to Guest Dad Will Morton, who's been the full-time caregiver to his children for four years now.
Here's his post. If you have questions for Will, ask them in a comment below, and he'll check back periodically to answer.
To the soon-to-be first-time at-home-dad: Bravo! You’re doing a wonderful thing for your family. I’ve been an at-home dad in Baltimore County for four years, now with a 2-year-old girl and an almost-5-year-old boy. There are times when you want to tear your hair out (inconsolable baby while you’re trying not to burn supper) and times when you wouldn’t trade it for anything (feet in kiddie pool at 4:30 on Friday while your old colleagues are still at the office). To help you cope, here are a few quick tips.
Find support. The good news is you’re not alone. There are other at-home dads out there, you just have to find them. I found a group of five to 10 guys from Cockeysville to Canton who meet weekly, alternating in-home play with outings. Those switch between free places such as playgrounds and libraries and pay locations such as Port Discovery or the Zoo. We talk about everything from sports to spouses, home improvement to how to deal with kid behavior.
Love your wife. Try to show sympathy toward her as she returns to work. She might feel like the world’s worst mommy abandoning her child. You might want to call her at 5:45 to ask why she hasn’t left work yet when the screaming baby needs to nurse at 6. But it helps you both to remember (1.) your child is getting loving care every day and (2.) you’re saving a bundle on day care.
Get out of the house every day. Strap on the Snugli and soak up all the big smiles people give a man carrying a baby. When they ask, patronizingly, “Is daddy babysitting today?” just tell them, “Nope, daddy’s on duty every day.” And shut them up with a smile.
You’ll get your sea legs soon. It might seem impossible to juggle crying baby with fixing supper and cleaning the house. Ignore the books and know you’ll stumble as you figure out what works for you. You’ll figure out that 99 percent of the time, a crying baby is hungry, poopy or tired. Fix those, and you’re all set. You’ll learn that you can nap when the baby naps, and Daddy’s a much happier person. And there are healthy convenience foods. Ninety-second microwaveable rice saves me all the time.
Comments
Bravo Will!! I'm a stay-at-home dad only once a week and that's plenty for me. I'd be interested to read more of what you've learned since becoming a SAHD and where the SAHDs go with their kids to hang out with other SAHDs.
Posted by: Eric | March 4, 2008 9:05 AM
“Is daddy babysitting today?”
Ah! I've been a stay-at-home dad for 2 1/2 years and I hate that one!
All good advice, Will.
Posted by: Marc Nelson Jr. | March 4, 2008 9:07 AM
There really needs to be a new acronym for stay at home dad, SAHD is just...sad. Maybe KAMPU Kick Ass Male Parental Unit, then we'd sound like a martial art (which we are). I have been a full time parent to 2 boys ages 2 and 6 for 6 years. I agree about getting out of the house. The comments and weird stares don't even phase me anymore. I think it helps to not be a big ego, macho guy, the rewards of parenting are more subtle and less public than the rewards of career. There is nothing quite like the satisfaction gained from a perfect stranger commenting on how polite your 6 year old is or how developed a vocabulary your 2 year old is using. I advocate having a part-time job away from the home, both to contribute to the family budget, and for your sanity. I think you are setting yourself up for failure in either career or parenting if you are trying to run a REAL business while being a full time parent, one or the other is going to be neglected and if it falls to your kids...they are better off in daycare.
Posted by: Jason K | March 4, 2008 9:43 AM
I'm there with you all the way. I've been home with my 4 year old since day one and now have a one year old too. The adjustment period is over and I don't want to change a thing but I will tell you I do miss my old job as a construction superintendent. Went from managing multi-million dollar projects to managing kids and I think, some days, the kids are harder. Now I'm being asked to possible to put off work again for maybe another baby. This time I'm trying to get a toy for me out of the deal. More children and time at home for a Harley Davidson, which could give me a small piece of adult only fun back. Taking a couple of hours for myself and my pleasures may sound selfish but has been the way I cope with the day to day stesses. Email me with your groups info and you might just have another dad to add to your gang. Look forward to hereing from you.
Thanks Mel
Posted by: Melvin hunt | March 4, 2008 10:16 AM
I'm one of the few that won custody of their child and $40K in legal fees later, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would like to know more about this SAHD group mentioned. I live in Canton and, while it's nice to hang with all the hot moms, it sure would be enjoyable to be with the men once in a while.
Posted by: Jeff | March 4, 2008 1:38 PM
Right on Will. One more thing to add to the whole pot is to make sure you take time for you. Even if it is only an hour. It is nice to have that alone time. Do not forget about that wonderful woman you married. My wife and I got a sitter on Sunday and went out for lunch and such and we realized how badly we needed it. Do yourself a favor and beware of the ruts. Winter can beat you up. Keep the faith, spring is almost here!
Posted by: Dad of 3. | March 4, 2008 2:15 PM
I've been following Will and his "SAHD" friends for nearly a year now...I'm a documentary film maker here in Baltimore. I am inspired and encouraged to see these dads making a better name for themselves--and a better future for their children. I am single and childless--but definitely hope someday to be a father--and one that is as dedicated and as effective as these guys. Besides plugging my film, "Happy SAHD" which I hope to have a rough version ready by Father's Day 2008...I want to congratulate every family out there that succeeds in active fatherhood. It is sorely missing in our world.
Do keep us informed about where and when folks will be able to see your film. Thanks.
Posted by: Michael | March 4, 2008 2:26 PM
In the "Love your wife" category, I'd add that there's at least a third point to make: Remember that her job is important to her, most likely, and she's probably darn good at it.
Posted by: mary | March 4, 2008 2:56 PM
Hello, I'm the "Guest Dad" at the top. Finding other at-home dads is the hardest thing. You feel like a dork when you work up the nerve to say to some dad at a playground "Are you an at-home dad?" and he says, "No, our nanny is sick." But occasionally, the guy answers "Yes!" and he wonders where you have been hiding, too. You just gotta keep trying.
I first found a few at-home dads through Children of the World, an international cooperative playgroup. (www.cotwcoop.org). Then I found a few others through a now-defunct group on meetups.com.
The weekly group I mentioned gathers next at Oregon Ridge Park (weather permitting) on Wednesday March 5, starting around 10:30. There are good playsets, plus picnic tables if you want to bring lunch.
Come join us!
Thanks for sharing this!
Posted by: Will Morton | March 4, 2008 3:05 PM
My husband stays home with our three year old son while I am the one that goes to the office. While I appreciate all that he does, I do want to pass along some advice to the Dads on how Mom feels when she comes home.
If Dad has been lucky, the little one has at least taken a nap and provided him with some time of his own, but Mom has been on GO since dawn. When I walk in the door I'd like some time to de-brief after a long day at the office, not to be handed the kid with a dirty diaper and given a litany of things to do.
Also, don't think that because you watch the child during work hours, Mom has to watch him the rest of the time. My husband sometimes doesn't understand why he has to take our son in the evening or during the weekend so I can get out. Even though I am 'childless' from 8 to 6 each day, I'm working, so I still need alone time to shop, go to the doctor and do other things where I can't take our child.
Posted by: Laura | March 4, 2008 7:46 PM
Kate/Will --
Thank you!!! I was admittedly a little put off when i saw this blog for "Charm City Moms" as if we stay-at-home dads again were forgotten about. I have been home for 6 years, and it is easily the best thing I've ever done. For any new SAHD's out there, the first year was the hardest as I adjusted to a) no paycheck; b) the loss of all work colleagues/friendships during the day; and c) looking for any small victories in the day.
But I felt strongly then, and do still, that the best option for early childhood -- is to be home with a parent. I do feel flattered when I hear how well behaved my kids are, and I do love how they dote on me. I feel extremely lucky. And yes, like many other dads, I have been asked if I'm babysitting today, or the like. Some of the insensitive comments make me realize what some women in stereotypical 'men' fields must deal with.
Anyway, thanks for the heads up. Can't make the dads group this time but would love to know more. And thank you Kate for not forgetting about us dads out there!
Posted by: WillBillFan | March 4, 2008 7:49 PM
this is a great blog with a wealth of information for parents in baltimore.
at-home-dads do have special obstacles that need to be overcome (changing am infant's diaper in a men's room while trying to contain a toddler -- "that is a urinal, not a waterfall -- do NOT touch it again!").
i am glad to see that "charm city moms" is a bit more inclusive than the name suggests. hopefully this isn't the last we will see of will's posts and maybe he can even convince "the powers that be" to change that name. there is much insight that can be offered to aspiring as well as seasoned sahds.
I think Will is a hit. We'll definitely have him back, if he'll agree!
Posted by: another baltimore sahd | March 4, 2008 10:21 PM
oh, and haha. will said "dork." that was awesome.
Posted by: anon | March 4, 2008 10:24 PM
They definitely need to change the name of this blog- my husband stays at home w/ our son and I feel like it's pretty old fashioned to imply that moms are ht eonly caregivers for kids. Look at all of the responses to this post!
Posted by: Melissa | March 5, 2008 2:32 PM
I have been a stay at home dad for two years. I moved to Baltimore about 9 months ago. It was difficult being a SAHD in a new city not knowing anyone. I met a dad a t a park one day and put me in contact with the SAHD group Will was talking about. Most of the time it is my son and I going to different places, but it is nice to have some days where we go to be with others we know. It is good to have a group of other dads to talk with from time to time.
One of the most difficult things about being a SAHD is making sure my wife and I have our times to ourselves as well as mom and dad time.
It is good to have a group of other dads to talk with sometimes
Posted by: geoff | March 5, 2008 6:19 PM