Just kidding. Actually, Nicolas is saying catty things about Shirin and laughing way too hard at his own jokes. Meanwhile, the chalkboard in the women's apartment says, "Welcome Home Logan!" which doesn't make any sense, unless the female designers kidnapped Logan last night and took turns having their way with him, only to turn him free minutes before Tim Gunn stopped by with crepes and lattes for breakfast.

Heidi's dressed in all black today as she saunters onto the runway to inform our designers that their challenge this week will be all about color. (Seems like someone in the wardrobe wasn't paying attention in a production meeting.) Shirin does the obligatory talking head where she tries to build the suspense by saying, "I don't know what it could be. We could be making garments out of big colorful parachutes for all I know."

Suddenly I'm intrigued by the possibilities of this challenge. Might we see Tim Gunn throw Nicolas out of an airplane and tell him he has to design a cocktail dress out of his parachute?

Alas, someone named Martine Reardon is here from Macy's to explain that the designers will be working with blue, and that they'll have to create two looks for the company's INC brand. The winner gets to design a holiday dress that will be sold at Macy's and Macys.com, as well as a night alone with Logan and an assortment of sensual oils. (Only one of these things is true.)

But wait! It's actually a team challenge, meaning that the chances of someone choking Nicolas in a rage just went up 25 percent. (Don't let me down, Gordana.) Carol Hannah wins my heart forever by doing the video game death wail -- Whah, whah, whah! -- to sum up everyone's dismay at having to partner up.

Time to sketch and pitch designs to Ms. Reardon, who is wearing an all-white pantsuit that looks like it was stolen from Tom Wolfe. (Do they sell that in a XXL on Macys.com? Because if so, I'll take two, as long as it comes with pocket squares.) Reardon picks Irina, Althea, Carol Hannah, Christopher and Louise as the team leaders, and then Tim Gunn reaches into his bag of black magic to choose partners.

Althea gets things started by choosing -- surprise! Logan.

"Do you want to work with me? Please say yes!" she whimpers.

"I don't know if I have a choice," Logan says, and everyone shares a hearty laugh, even though Logan seems on the verge of tears at the prospect of being Althea's sex slave for the next 12 hours. Seriously, this is getting out of hand. Logan is going to have to design himself a chastity belt if he wants to make it to Bryant Park alive.

Christopher picks Epperson. Louise picks Nicolas, even though he has immunity and giggles like a serial killer. Irina can't decide between Gordana and Shirin, so Gordana volunteers to work with Irina, leaving Carol Hannah and Shirin to form a team I quickly dub "Innocence and Earnest."

In a flash, we're at the front door of Mood. Last week, I theorized that Tim Gunn handled the transportation to Mood in a big pink school bus, but after putting more thought into it this week, I've decided everyone just grabs onto his sport coat and they apparate like in "Harry Potter." This way, they don't have to deal with Los Angeles traffic, and it also furthers my theory that Tim is the Dumbledore of the fashion industry. I just hope he realizes Nicolas might be the Tom Riddle/Voldemort character before it's too late.

In Mood, Louise actually loses her dress money and is forced to run around the store in a panic while Nicolas fantasizes about where he'll bury her body if she can't find the money. Luckily, she locates it, as well as her sketches (oy!) in the back of the store, under some boxes of fabric. If you ask me, this team is off to a great start.

Christopher and Epperson, on the other hand, are having a classic bromance when we return to the workroom, telling one another several times how fabulous they are. It's like Batman and Robin, really, as long as Batman was a 49-year-old skinny black man and Robin had hoop earrings and Kevin Federline's facial hair.

Surprise, surprise, Althea and Gordana give testimonials to Logan's hotness, and then Gordana tells us the affection the designers feel for him is not limited to the ladies. Poor Logan. Everywhere he turns, someone is asking him to thread their needle. I bet when he lays down for a few hours of restless sleep tonight, he'll have nightmares of Zoe Glassner hiding under his bed in nothing but her underwear. Gordana and Irina, in between hours of French seaming, snarl at one another and complain about having to play nice in their talking heads.

Tim Gunn's in the house, and he's wearing a delightful chocolate colored blazer. (Perhaps wardrobe decided to universally rebel against the Smurf blue in this episode.) Tim decides to start with Team Innocence and Earnest, even though Shirin has dubbed them "Team Awesome." There's nothing awesome about leggings, however, and Carol Hannah has decided to add leggings to their outfit. Even Jennifer Beals' character in "Flashdance" thinks this is a bad idea.

Louise and Nicolas seem to be doing OK, but Irina and Gordana can barely hide their contempt for each another. Tim tells them they have a lot to "discuss" after the argue openly in front of him about the waistband on their dress, and then Irina shrewdly slips away to call the INS to see if Gordana's papers are in order. (Again, only one of these things is true.) Team Batman and Robin have "reinvented the shirt dress" according to Tim, but he's also worried their outfits don't go together.

Nicolas goes on a rant about ruffles, saying they were made to hide flaws, and "they make me sick." Is it weird that Nicolas' ruffle rage perfectly captures the way I feel about him and his designs? Carol Hannah and Shirin are giggling their way through the final hour of the night when Irina lets us know in a talking head their outfits look like "they were bought at a discount store. Like a $10 shirt on sale for $5.99 kind of thing." Irina has quickly become the producers' go-to designer for cold-blooded, catty comments, and she manages to do it without relying on cheesy catch phrases like "fierce" and "hot tranny mess," which, I've decided, makes her my favorite designer this season.

In the guys' apartment the next morning, Nicolas expresses regret that he can't betray Louise in front of the judges, proving that he's closer to Draco Malfoy than he is to Voldemort (I guess the hair should have given it away), because Voldemort would destroy Louise just for sheer entertainment. In the workroom, Irina calls Gordana's outfit sad and depressing-looking, which seems unfair to me because that outfit, though drab, would be like the freshest thing in Yugoslavia, so I think Gordana should be graded on a sliding scale.

Models and make-up. Nicolas and Louise are having a ruffle-inspired panic. Gordana points out that she "saved her ass" with some last-minute alterations to her top, and then mentions that she's happy because she knew Irina would have, "as they say, thrown me under bus." Man, Gordana's broken, monotone English is comedy gold. I would pay large sums of money to watch her and Heidi square off in a West Coast rap battle refereed by Biz Markie.

Tim is getting impatient trying to herd models and designers to the runway show. The Weinsteins should really think about getting him a bullwhip. On the runway, Heidi is wearing an all white outfit with chains on it -- watch your symbolism, German lady -- and it looks a little bit like World War II pajamas but I can't concentrate because FREAKING MICHAEL KORS IS BACK! OMG, MICHAEL KORS IS BACK! He looks like he's spent that last month in St. Barth's getting tan, eating fried food and letting his hair plugs take root, but I've missed him so much, I think I'm about to weep. A skinny blond Englishwoman named Zanna Roberts is here from Marie Claire, filling in for Nina Garcia, who is apparently still unaware this season of Project Runway has actually started and no one can find her phone number.

Runway show. Irina and Gordana -- Team Cold War -- have a pair of decent outfits, although Irina's barely looks blue to me. When Logan's model Tara struts down the runway, her skirt creeps up her thigh to the point where I'm flushed and feel like I need a cigarette. Given the way the ladies on this show feel about Logan, I'm now wondering if it was intentional. Louise's rufflepalooza looks hideous, and when we cut to Heidi, it looks like she's contemplating giving Louise das boot. Carol Hannah and Shirin send two boring outfits down the runway, and I'm wishing Nina Garcia were here just so she could make one of them cry about their choice of leggings. Batman and Robin look like they'll survive, although I like the shirt dress they designed more than the teal thing.

Heidi says that Althea and Logan are safe, despite the live-action pornography performed by Tara, but then she throws a curve ball by informing us that Epperson and Christopher are tied with Nicolas and Louise for the low scores. Um, what? We just saw the birth canal of Logan's model and he and Althea get a free pass to the next round?

Carol Hannah and Shirin get compliments for their outfits, including one from Heidi that I suspect is a direct dig at Irina.

"It doesn't look cheap," Heidi says, confirming my suspicion that she's been hiding in the air conditioning ducts, listening to the designers' private conversations.

Somewhat surprisingly, even though they're in the running for the victory, Irina decides to go ahead and have Gordana "thrown under bus" for being "too shy" as a teammate. I don't know why I find Irina's ruthlessness endearing. It's like trying to explain why you love Shark Week. You can't. You just do.

Time to bring out Ruffle Madness and the Dynamic Duo. Zanna Roberts says if she walked into Macy's and saw a ruffle-o-rama, she'd turn around and walk right out. "I'd think I walked into a bad bridal shop," she says. Kors does her one better, saying one of the outfits looks like a bridesmaid dress with a shower loofah attached to it. Heidi rips Nicolas for half-assing it because he has immunity, which gives me tremendous pleasure. I bet, as of this filming, Heidi is pregnant again and just hasn't told anyone yet. She's not mincing words at all. She proves it by telling Christopher his model looks like she's wearing a lobster bib. Kors calls it a "teal char mouse disco pumpkin" and Christopher bursts into tears. You see, this is why Batman works alone.

In the end, my girl Irina is declared the winner, the first person to win twice. Gordana, Carol Hannah, Nicolas and Epperson get a reprieve, and the ax comes down to Christopher and Louise.

(Bum, bum, bum, spooky music, bum, bum!)

Louise gets the auf wiedersehen ... but wait! Could this be our first double elimination?

(Bum, bum, bum, spooky music, drums pounding, bum, bum!)

Christopher survives the ax! He celebrates by bursting into tears, yet again.

Well damn. Quality episode. I almost wish I could lie next to Logan and cry myself to sleep.

Until next time!