There is a challenge; I forget why.  But I clearly remember that the men win.  (That last sentence is called “foreshadowing” in the literary world.)

Time passes.  That horrible Wal-Mart commercial where the women pass the reusable shopping bag down the line, changing the color of their shopping carts to Wal-Mart Blue, runs and then it almost immediately runs again.

When we get back to Costa Rica, Angela is the first celebrity voted off, and the guy at TMZ who, at the end of the show, always says, “I’m a lawyer,” crosses her off the TMZ hit list.  (Just guessing at that last part.)

In the next episode Heidi and Spencer complete their challenge by frightening the beejesus out of all manner of creepy Costa Rican critters, which cower all night in abject fear at being enclosed in the same space with Spencer Pratt.  So it turns out to be, you know, a pretty easy challenge.  The producers presumably promise the contestants A LOT of extra money and the cast votes to let Speidi back into camp.

In camp, Heidi starts to sing and Janice says she sounds like a cat, thereby offending Heidi.  Spencer has another in a long line of religious epiphanies.

Frances, the other half (with departed Angela) of the comedy team Frangela has a little twist of her own for the camp and announces she is leaving.  Two down.

There is another challenge; the men win.  I think it was Sanjaya, beating Janice, which you would think might have been a close contest, but since Simon isn’t around to intimidate him, Sanjaya turns out to be a formidable opponent.

The obnoxious Wal-Mart commercial runs again.  And again.

Heidi gets really, really sick.  No, really, she does. She has these serial vomiting episodes, in between which Spencer kisses her.  Ewwwwwww, as they say.  But Spencer knows where his bread is buttered.  They take Heidi off in an ambulance and … well, I’m not sure if she survived or not.  (That last sentence is known as “foreshadowing” in the literary world and, remember, you heard it here first.)

Then they have a challenge to see who gets to be leader of the pack.  Lou wins, because he’s a guy.

Then they have another challenge to see who will be immune from elimination.  I’m not exactly sure, but I think the challenge lasted a couple of days because it starts at the end of one episode and concludes at the beginning of…

…The next episode.  Lou wins.  Not only because he’s a guy, but because he’s also the guy. 

Somewhere in this episode Lou (camp leader) makes Janice (camp diva) wash dishes.  Stephen, who by now has teamed up with his brother Daniel in a plot to make Janice’s life a living hell, celebrates at this turn of events, right there in front of Janice.  After she washes Stephen’s plate, she spits on it.  In living rooms all over America, Janice gets her only applause of the series.

In a twist that was announced on the internet so far in advance everybody except my 87-year-old mother (who whenever she hears the word “Google” starts singing a song from the 1930s called “Barney Google with his goo-goo-googly eyes”) knew it was coming.  Holly Montag (Heidi’s sister) who I‘m told hates Spencer, although I don’t know that of personal knowledge, arrives to replace her sister.

Holly, however, is a sweetheart.  No, really, she is. 

There is another challenge and HA! The girls win.  Actually, Holly wins.  This, my friends, was a twist.

And then, and then, there is another challenge and the girls (Patti and Torrie, who have been “stealth contestants” up to now) win.

This calls for a celebration.  The obnoxious Wal-Mart commercial runs three times in a row.  (OK, maybe not, but it seems like it.)

In the next episode, there is a lot of time spent:

--discussing all the bugs
--showing Holly and Sanjaya canoodling and
--watching three contestants, Patti, Daniel and Lou, Skyping with their families.  This was the result of some challenge I missed, but I think it had to do with creepy Costa Rican critters.

Then, Daniel gets voted off.  Janice celebrates, which seals her fate with Stephen.  Game on.

In the next episode, in which the producers had the unenviable task of squeezing 15 minutes of action into two hours of broadcast, John is elected camp leader then sort of, maybe, well not really, falls for Patti and Patti falls for John, too.  But don’t think any untoward thoughts.  They are just “friends” because they both played in the NBA, except for Patti.  And they both face indictment by a federal grand jury, except for John.  From less have enduring friendships sprung.

There is a challenge and Torrie and Patti win massages, right there in the jungle and if you think for a minute I’m going to make some sexist comment about Torrie Wilson lying practically naked on a massage table in front of God and everybody, you’ve got another think coming, mister.  Or missus.

Oh, Janice gets sick and this time (unlike all the previous times I have failed to mention because, apparently, Janice being sick is a normal, everyday occurrence) it might be real.  She can’t, you know, go “number two.”  (Can I say that in a blog?)  She can’t.  She tries.  Almost as many times as the Wal-Mart commercial has run.  But she can’t.  So they haul her off to the hospital too.

She comes back then next day and has suddenly turned into a sweetheart.  She also looks like maybe she had another facelift while she was in the hospital.  Maybe it was scheduled in advance.  Costa Rican hospitals are a lot cheaper than the ones in Beverly Hills, is my understanding.

This is running long, so let me quickly recap the next episode:  Sanjaya isn’t gay.  No, really, he’s not. 

In last night’s episode, two contestants are supposed to be sent packing.  John and Lou are immune, because of a challenge (Lou) and at the selection by the camp leader (John, by John.)  Yes, John could have given anybody, even his BFF Patti, immunity but he kept it for himself.  Methinks Rod has probably taught Patti how to handle someone who double-crosses you.  We’ll find out in a future episode.

In a shocking twist, Jon and Kate Gosselin arrive in camp for a second honeymoon.  Ha Ha ha.  Not really.  I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

There is another challenge and the guys win.  There is some extended time spent with the contestants having serious and emotion conversation.  During this part I made myself a grilled cheese.

Eventually, following a voting period that I think lasted four or five days, Holly is told she is going home.  I’m sad.  (Holly—and Heidi—are from the same county I grew up in, high in the Colorado Rockies.  There’s a bond there that will never go away.)

More emotional time passes.

Janice gets the boot.  Oh no!  What will they do for drama now?

Could it be?  Nah … they wouldn’t.  But what would this show be without a Montag?

Next week is the final week, so you should watch.  I need to warn you, however, that a “day” in Costa Rican time feels like a “month” in American time.  So you should rest up over the weekend.

(Pictured: Lou Diamond Phillips tries to look hardcore while surrounded by colorful toys. Photo courtesy of NBC)