Quickfire Challenge

The four cheftestants roll up on a ginormous plantation. Padma introduces the guest judge, Emeril Lagasse (ho hum, but I guess they had no choice in New Orleans), but Carla is focused on the fact that there are only three tables/cooking stations set up. Carla says she thought maybe they were going to eliminate someone Johnny on the spot.

Not so.

Padma announces that they won't be cooking for the Quickfire. They'll get to sit back and enjoy the food and Southern hospitality. Everyone looks confused and skeptical because surely that's not gonna happen. That's too easy. There's always a twist!

And out comes the twist -- three of them, in fact: Jamie, Jeff and Leah. They are competing in the Quickfire to get BACK in the competition! The bringing back old contestants move isn't much of a twist anymore in reality TV, or even for this season of "Top Chef," but I like how they did it this time. And it's nice to see some of them again, plus Jamie's hair looks cute.

Fabio doesn't like it though, and neither does Hosea. "It's kind of a bummer," he says. "It's not really the math I want right now." I can understand. If I were one of the people who fought to the semi-finals, just to see some punk get a chance to come back for the big game, I'd be a little upset, too. But as a spectator, I'll happily sit back, eat my chocolate cake and watch the fireworks. (You're welcome for the cake. It was my bribe to make you do most of the recapping. It worked!)

Oh yeah -- the challenge? Create a dish with crawfish. They look like bugs, but they're soo delicious. But are these ones still alive? There's a shot of one crawling off the table. Eww.

Leah, who says she was a little upset and bitter about not making it to the semis (Really? I didn't know you cared!), says she's a little nervous because she hasn't worked with crawfish before. Or the dish that she's decided to make -- gumbo. 

Jamie decides on a corn cake topped with all sorts of deliciousness (crawfish, poached egg, greens, crawfish cream sauce) because she thinks gumbo is too cliche. (Take *that* Leah!) Meanwhile, Jeff tries to keep it simple with his crawfish and grits with andouille and beer.

As they cook, Jamie mentions how excited she is to be back, and talks with the other chefs about the holy trinity -- the magical combination of onions, celery and peppers that make Creole food so good. (I have to say that is one good thing about Emeril: He opened up my eyes to the gloriousness of the holy trinity.)

They present their plates, and I want to sop up Jamie's dish with a biscuit. (The photo at left doesn't do it justice.) Leah's gumbo turns out to be a crawfish soup, and she blended the crawfish and andouille, so it's more like a puree? Ew.

Emeril picks Jeff as the best (I thought Jamie was robbed again, but Tom Collichio says that Jamie's food looked better than it tasted), and gives him ... an Emeril cookbook. Is it at least signed? Or perhaps some of Emeril's spice blends are tucked inside. Mmm. Spice.

And the "Top Chef" masterminds throw the real semi-finalists a bone: Jeff has to win the Elimination in order to stay in to the final round.

Emeril sends them off to the hotel to get dressed for dinner at one of his restaurants, Emeril's Delmonico. At the hotel, the four enjoy some champagne and New Orleans swag, then head off to dinner.

At dinner, Fabio says he wants to win because he can use the money to help his mother, who is sick. I heart the funny Italian softee. Carla's a little quiet, because she says she's thinking of her family too -- her husband and stepson.

Meanwhile, Hosea stews over his weird creepy contentious relationship with Stefan. "Stefan always tries to get on my nerves," he says about dinner. Whatever, dude. It is all in your head. (Agreed. Let it go.) "I want the money, I want the title," he says. "I entered it to see if I could win."

And Stefan says a remarkably similar thing: This is not about playing nice, this is about cooking good food and winning. "This is a competition, not a butt-rubbing competition." Odd choice of words, but he's right. I'm still laughing.

Elimination Challenge

The next day, the cheftestants get their marching orders amid the Mardi Gras floats for the Krewe of Orpheus. (On a side note, this is the first time all competition where they get the timing right. The show airs right after Fat Tuesday, so it's timely, and for once, it doesn't seem forced. Like Christmas in July.)

For the elimination, the cheftestants have to make two dishes and one cocktail for 100, all for Orpheus' masquerade ball at the New Orleans Museum of Art. And one of the dishes has to be Creole. Jeff is excited; he says Creole cooking is like soul food to him.

And the prize for this challenge, on top of going to the finals, is ... a new car! A Toyota Venza.

Fabio drools. "My car is a piece of poop, and I can't take it anymore." Everyone else utters similar sentiments, even though it IS a Toyota. A free car is a free car, right? Right! Unless it's a van. What IS that thing?

In the kitchen, the four get to work. Hosea settles on a duck, andouille and chicken gumbo, pecan-crusted catfish (yawn), and a pomegranate and blood orange hurricane with Grand Marnier and rum. Woo, lordy. Hurricanes are delicious and dangerous. Good move: get 'em drunk, then serve your food. Or perhaps a very, very bad move.

Carla decides to make oyster stew, a shrimp and andouille beignet and a non-alcoholic cranberry spritzer. She says she had hoped that the oysters would be shucked already, but they're not! She now has 100 oysters to shuck. Ruh-roh.

Stefan chooses a duck and rabbit gumbo with grits, an apple beignet and a black cherry and rum cocktail for refreshment. Hosea makes a (lame) joke to Jeff -- I don't know if they told you, but you've gotta win this thing -- but Jeff is not impressed. He's focusing on his dishes: Fried oyster with homemade sausage and arugula, a crawfish pot de creme (errr), and a cucumber mojito. Everything has a lot of steps, Jeff says. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!

Over in Fabio's corner, he's taking a similar approach -- lots of stuff. On top of a sausage and rabbit maque choux with grits and a crawfish and crab stew with homemade casarecci pasta, he's baking muffaletta bread. And for his cocktail: a bell pepper martini. (FYI, maque choux is a Louisiana dish of corn, peppers and onions. A pretty good choice, IMO. Authentic, but not the usual jambalaya/gumbo/beignet.) "I'm a good host," he says. "Let's bring it on." I want to go one of his parties!

Hosea focuses on the roux for his gumbo. Roux, flour and fat cooked together, can make a nice macaroni and cheese amazing when browned a little bit. But when it comes to gumbo, the blacker the better. It's the key to amazing, authentic gumbo, and Hosea is determined to do the roux well.

Meanwhile, Stefan's hanging out, going to get a cigarette, using ready-made sausage. Hosea hates on him as usual -- "Stefan's Achilles heel is that he thinks he's got it in the bag" -- but this time he's right. He's a little too cool. Jeff agrees. "If you're able to go out and take a smoke, you don't deserve to be here," he says.

Tom comes in to check on the cheftestants, asking Fabio if he's cooked Creole before. Fabio says no, but that he studied the "flavor profiles." He's going for a mix of Italian and Creole.

Jeff, on the other hand, shows no worried about the flavors to Tom. He knows the flavors like the back of his hand. And, speaking of not worried, Stefan is chilling as he talks to Tom, who needles him about the apple beignet. In confessional, Stefan says he doesn't know what the big deal is. "Its a [effing] dessert! Jeez!" Touchy, touchy.

Meanwhile, Carla's struggling with the oysters. After his chats, Tom mentions outside the kitchen that Carla simply could have steamed the little buggers open, rather than fighting with them. Oops. Either way, I'm worried. The way the editing is focusing on Carla and her oysters means she's gonna either do very well or very bad. Outside the kitchen, Tom also notices Stefan's laissez faire attitude. "Stefan seems confident, almost cocky," he says.

When they pack up for the museum, Carla's still not done fighting with the oysters, saying she's gonna have to MacGyver those bad boys. Uh-oh. (Or will she MacGruber them?)

At the Museum

In the minutes before opening, Hosea scrambles for extra serving utensils, Jeff borrows some cream from Carla, Fabio makes the cocktail mix FOR his bartender, Carla fights the oysters, and Stefan ... goes for a smoke. Jeez. (He's been smoking all season, but only this episode do the producers and editors choose to make it an issue. That irks me a little.)

Carla explains that she doesn't drink, hence no alcohol in her cocktail. She says she'll stand by her decision, and I admire that. Good for her. I was curious when she announced the drink!

Before the guests arrive, Padma reveals all the judges in a cheezy masquerade reveal. (Dozens -- dozens! -- of women and gay men fainted across the country as Tom pulled off his mask.) But it's made all better when the other female judge removes her mask to reveal GAIL! Gail's back, and I couldn't be happier. I missed her so much, especially when Toby would open his mouth with some over-rehearsed, overwrought line.

We learn that the cheftestants also get bartenders, and there's some interesting dialogue with them; notably, that Fabio refuses to let his do any work -- he wants to be in charge of his red pepper drink. There's also an interesting moment here where everyone is trying to borrow ingredients and tools from Carla, and she says no one has offered to help her with the oysters. "1 second!" Stefan says, but we never see him come over.

As the party goes into full swing, the cheftestants remark on the mood. Carla loves the women's gorgeous dresses, and Fabio says the setting reminds him of an old porno movie. Whaa? Hilarious. It's "Eyes Wide Shut" all up in there!

Jeff, usually Fabio's counterpart in the schmooze, says he doesn't have time to talk, he's so focused on the food. Which is how it's supposed to be, right? Everyone loves the cucumber mojito, and Emeril says Jeff's dishes are "refined." He SO has a man-crush on Jeff. He is a pretty man.

Stefan says he's not going to go home, but the judges aren't so sure. Though his grits are creamy, his gumbo is more like a stew, they say, and it certainly isn't dark enough. Perhaps he should have spent more time smoking the roux and less time smoking the cigarettes?

The judges like Fabio's dishes alright, and give him points for making maque choux. But something's missing, Gail says. "The heat," Emeril responds. That's a cardinal sin in Creole cooking. It's gotta be right spicy.

At Carla's table, the guests are hootie-hooing and snatching up the food. (I thought this was interesting --proof that the diners had seen the show and Carla's description of how she and her husband call to each other.) I can understand why -- her beignet looks freaking tasty, and even her oyster stew, with bacon and scallions, looks good. I don't even like oysters, and I'm considering trying her recipe. When the judges ask her if she's cooked Creole, she says she's cooked Southern. "I have the African-American part, I have the soul part," she says. And, as us soulful folk say, she must've put her foot in the food, because the judges can't say enough good things. "The batter is perfect," Gail says of her beignets. "If you think that is good, wait till you taste her stew," Tom replies. He actually giggles with joy at one point. It's crazy how happy they are with her food! They're losing their minds over it! (I need some explanation, please, on the foot-in-the-food line.)

Meanwhile, Hosea couldn't be happier with his gumbo. "This is the most authentic dish," he says. Annoy-ing. I'm not so sure about the corn muffin he plops in the middle of his gumbo, but he serves it the right way -- with rice, not grits -- and he passes the local test. He's in.

After service, the chefs reflect. Jeff says he thinks New Orleans believes in him, and that it sucks to HAVE to win, but "it's a deal I made with the devil." Hosea says he's worn out and is anxious about the judges' opinion, despite the warm reception by the partygoers. If they go the way of Stefan's opinion, Hosea's out. "I tried Hosea's gumbo," Stefan says. "It sucked. It was nasty." That was just plain mean, and apparently it didn't suck, per the judges' and guests' comments. Hosea tried to chat up Stefan about the night afterward, and he wasn't having any of it.

Judges' Table

Everyone is brought out to the table at once, and Jeff goes first. (Looking for all the world like he's about to throw up on his shoes.) His mojito was the favorite cocktail of the night, Padma says, and Jeff seems pleased. They hand out more compliments, noting the nice texture on his pot de creme (the description of it sounded a lot tastier than my initial thoughts on the dish), and they really liked that he made his own sausage. Jeff puts in a 'ittle dig on Stefan, saying he wouldn't come in half-stepping with someone else's sausage.

Fabio gets a less-than-laudatory critique. They loved that he did the maque choux, and it stood out, but Gail said she wished they could have tasted all the elements of the dish. And where was the heat? The judges say they were looking for a little more -- even in the cocktail, which they thought was too sweet. "The taste didn't deliver what the smell promised," Padma says. Fabio says that sweetness is his Achilles heel.

With Stefan, the run over his gumbo sins again -- no heat, no darkness, no depth. And what's up with the grits with gumbo? And again, where was the heat? The Creole challenge seems to reveal the cracks in the Team Europe armor -- both Fabio and Stefan are panned for the lack of spice and depth in their dishes. Is over-the-top flavor a concept that is hard for the Europeans to understand? Surely not -- at very least, Spanish cuisine doesn't shy away from the spice. What gives? Tom also mentions his lackadaisical attitude, to which Stefan is unapologetic. "I'm 36 years old. If it works out, it works out. If not, fine."

Well, then.

Carla up next, the judges ask her about her stew. She starts to say she was little heavy on the Old Bay, and Emeril's face breaks out in a grin. "There was nothing wrong with it," Tom says. She motions that she's going to stop talking now. OH, WOW! Her critique is a freaking party. Emeril mentions that he was skeptical about the nonalcoholic drink, but was converted once he tasted it. "It was fizzy and delicious and really, really well done," he says. And Gail is all about that beignet. From the "smoking hot" temperature to the tasty shrimp to the "fresh herbal note" at the end. I think it's clear at this point that she made a home run.

Hosea's last, and he sayas he made "classical New Orleans food." I know it's a little mean to nitpick, but I really don't like this guy. He's just annoying. He just reminds me of that whiny kid in school who, despite your best intentions, you just want. to. pluck. And tell him to shut up. But I digress.

He apologizes for the watered-down hurricane, but Emeril says he liked it -- it was the authentic New Orleans experience. (Waiting in line on Bourbon Street, by the time you get your drink, the ice has melted.) (I liked that bit.) And everyone raves about his gumbo because he did it the right way. Emeril says that if he was blindfolded when he tasted Hosea's gumbo, he'd guess it was from any restaurant in New Orleans. That's a huge compliment. Tom also says he initially thought his pecan-crusted catfish, with sweet potato hash and Tabasco beurre blanc, was overcomplicated, but that the flavors worked well together in the end. And, as much as I hate to admit it, his catfish did seem pretty tasty. The beurre blanc is what won me over.

The judges send the cheftestants back to stew, and they mull it over some more. Jeff made some smart choices, Gail said, and is definitely in the top three. More gushing over Carla's dishes ensues, in which one judge says, "her food just seemed to have a certain level of care." "It's the LOVE!" I yelled, perhaps a little too loudly. (I think you woke my neighbors.) Y'all were clowning her about the love a few episodes back, but now you see the power of love. They also gush over Hosea's gumbo -- When will tasteovision become a reality? I wanna try! -- and Emeril marvels that his fish wasn't dried out.

Not surprisingly, Stefan and Fabio are in the bottom. Stefan's gumbo wasn't bad, but wasn't great. And his cocktail was way too small. (It barely filled a third of the cup!) They also get on him about his attitude, but honestly, at this point, I feel that shouldn't be an issue. One man's confident is another man's cocky. Let's just focus on the food. With Fabio, they enjoy the pasta, they enjoy the muffaletta, but it's just not enough. There's something missing, the judges say.

When they bring the cheftestants back out, Emeril announces that there was a clear winner: It's Carla!

She's laughing like a geeky girl, and in confessional, she says, "My husband would be proud, all my friends would be proud of me." She gets teary-eyed. (Me, too.) So sweet.

As a result, Jeff gets kicked off, and Hosea looks disappointed, even though he ends up in the winners' pile. I think he expected to win with that gumbo. Tom then focuses on the split of Team Europe: Fabio is the one cut loose. He takes it in stride.

"If you don't win, I'll kick your ass," Fabio tells Stefan as they embrace. "You have no idea."

I'm sad to see Fabio go. He was good TV. But Stefan clearly deserved to go to the finals, even if the judges were supposed to be judging by only that episode's contest. 

And there may be a happy ending for Fabio anyway. "I'm gonna spend time with my family, I'm gonna cook my ass off," Fabio says in his exit interview. And according to Tom's blog, we haven't seen the last of him.