Quickfire Challenge

Padma introduces the Quickfire judge (who also sticks around to judge the elimination round, unlike some Quickfire judges -- Martha Stewart, I'm looking at you), Scott Conant, chef at Scarpetta, a New York Italian restaurant that got a three-star review from the New York Times, a rarity.

Padma and the cheftestants kept saying he *just* received his 3-star review, which was published in late July. Which means they were celebrating Christmas in July (hee!) and Thanksgiving in June? It's so weird how they try to fake being in the same time period on some shows, and don't even bother on others.

We knew this episode was going to be football-themed, in honor of the Super Bowl this weekend, and the Quickfire begins a string of hokey football references and cliches, this one with a squares board. Each chef chooses a food group on one side, and another ingredient will be revealed across the top -- but as it turns, everyone's ingredient is oats. Carla is beside herself with glee: "I am like the Quaker Oats girl," she squeals!

She has to cook her oatmeal with nuts and grains; Jamie with fruits; Leah with seafood; Fabio with veggies ("there is no reason to eat vegetables when there is meat and fish around," he says); Stefan with dairy; Hosea with meat; and Jeff with poultry.

The bottom three, according to Conant, are Fabio, Leah and Jeff. Leah's mussels and branzino failed because of the bacon she included; Fabio overdid it on the oat crust, and Jeff's whole plate of oat-crusted chicken and oat fries was "too brown and too heavy."

The top three are Carla, with her tofu; Jamie and her "perfect" shrimp; and Stefan with a great texture and flavor combination. Jamie's totally pleased with herself and will spend the rest of the episode torn between smug and worried. This combination ain't working for me. And Stefan turns red and says "Whoopsie!" when he finds he has won -- I resent that he has to play down his success. The man can cook, and everyone else knows it.

I read his reaction as surprised, rather than playing down his excitement. As I've said before, Stefan knows Stefan can cook, and he doesn't seem concerned with anything else, including other people, whether it's sabotage, as Hosea so stupidly suggested one episode, to playing down his excitement in this one.

Elimination Challenge

Padma sets up the challenge, and introduces the opposing team, made up of "all-stars" from the previous season. We re-meet Andrew from S4, Josie from S2, Andrea from S1, Spike from S4, Camille from S3, Nikki from S4, and Miguel from S1. I've only watched season 4 before this one, so I can't offer much commentary on the other chefs, but I'm glad to see Spike, Andrew and (sort of) Nikki again. Last season was so much more fun! (Memories ... )
The cheftestants have two hours to plan (and flirt, if you're Stefan or Andrea), then they'll cook for just 20 minutes tomorrow. Fabio says, "That's not cooking; that's rushing." I'm surprised at some of their dishes, which really should take longer to make, like chili.

Everyone's trying to claim their territory: Carla starts a gumbo, Leah says she's going to keep it simple (simple enough to be kicked off? Please?), Nikki adopts an extra-thick Italian accent while describing her dish, and Andrea says she's not just a vegetarian chef. Even Hosea forgets his Stefan obsession for a minute to remark that Miguel's cedar plank salmon is played out.

I also love how excited he gets when he talks about the Season 5 chefs proving themselves to the All Stars. Who's got spirit? Yes they do! Hosea's got spirit! Whoopdewoo! I think the kitchen crazy rubbed off on me.

The next day, it's off to the Culinary Institute.
Round 2: Miguel and Hosea, Seattle. They up the ante with their smack-talking while cooking, though Hosea has already dissed Miguel's cedar-plank salmon behind the scenes. "I want you like me so it doesn't hurt as bad when I win," he tells Miguel. Hosea makes a crispy salmon roll with a ginger blackberry sauce, and it looks gorgeous. The judges -- Most of the judges. I think Tom dissented just to be contrary -- and audience agree, and he takes all 10 points. (Hosea's dish reminded me of a crispy tuna sashimi roll I once had at Tao Las Vegas. Delicious.)Round 3: Carla and Andrew, New Orleans. (I love this matchup, by the way. They're both sooo out there. Why can't they be on the same season?!) Andrew makes a crawfish crudo, after mugging with the live crawfish and doing a horrific Southern accent that no one laughs at. (They're "crawdads" if you're cooking New Orleans! C'mon now.) Carla's crawfish and andouille gumbo with grits is a hit, and she wins the judges' vote. (Unanimous!) Andrew takes a field goal. (I really wish I could stop using these football terms, but I've been brainwashed. Sorry!)

Round 4: Stefan and Andrea, Dallas. They kiss, part and begin cooking. Stefan makes two salads, cole slaw, and a duo of meat. Andrea goes for Tex-Mex chili with crispy corn chips, and rambles something about how she likes her food spicy like she likes her men. Can Stefan get any redder? The producers cut in a clip of him saying he loves her. "Call me," he says to the camera, and makes the finger-phone sign. I love it.

Oh, right: the food. I'd eat either of their dishes, and they tie from the judges, but Andrea wins the field goal and thus gets all 10 points. This is the first time Stefan has lost, and he is pretty bitter. None of his other cheftestants believe him when he comes backstage to say she took all the points -- a pretty telling reaction about the competition, I think.

Round 5: Jamie and Camille, San Francisco. Jamie makes crab ciopinno with sourdough, and Camille makes a truly horrible-looking and -sounding sweet potato and miso mash with crab meat and mustard butter. Oddly enough, they tie with the judges, but Jamie's dish wins the field goal, so she takes all the points. I actually think Jamie was robbed. Her food looked great.

Round 6: Jeff and Josie, Miami. Both make ceviches, but Jeff adds a sorbet (ah, Jeff, such a Jeff thing to do) and Josie makes hers a hot ceviche, which really sets Jeff off. Josie plates really sloppily, but her dish wins all the points. It's gotta be Jeff going home at this point, right? He says his dishes are too complex and he can't serve normal food. Ah, a little self-realization. It's been a long time coming.

Round 7: Spike and Fabio, Green Bay. This is my favorite matchup by far. Fabio puts on a football helmet before going on stage to cook, and I love that he's such a good sport. "If your food is big like your mouth, you'll win it for sure," Fabio tells Spike, then freaks out that Spike isn't using cheese. How can you not use Wisconsin cheese?! Boo to Spike, from me. Both make venison, Fabio's with a stone fruit and cheddar and mache salad, and Spike with with a five-spice venison with port reduction and a microsalad.

Spike's looks far better, and Fabio says his venison might have been overdone -- the judges agree. "The venison was already dead; there's no need to kill it," Tom says. Fabio is quiet. Spike wins the judges' vote, and Fabio takes a field goal, but he's on the chopping block now.

Season 5 wins the entire challenge, but the bottom three are Stefan, Fabio and Jeff.

Judges Table

The winners come out first, and Carla, Leah, Hosea and Jamie are just grinning like fools. Carla says she was happy to have New Orleans and to do Southern food -- she's been dying to make grits. The judges tell her they tasted the love, which I'm sure is Maryann's favorite part of the show. (Not my favorite, but I did enjoy it.) Tom loved Hosea's salmon roll and marvels how he crisped the outside without overdoing the fish. Conant says it was refreshing to watch Jamie cook, as she's so meticulous, and she looks like she's going to pass out. (Conant had a culinary crush on her all episode!) She cannot get enough praise. Leah repeats herself about keeping her food simple and adds a pout for effect.

The winner: Carla. And there's a prize this time! She's getting two tickets to the Super Bowl -- WOW. That made up for the last several prize-free weeks! (Amen to that, sister.) "Hands up! Woo! Touchdown Carla!" she yells. "This is the ultimate day for me. Ba-dow, ba-dow!" Can she be more loveable?

The losers come out, and Stefan is so angry when Carla comes back in with her tickets. He makes a break for the door. Fabio gets hit pretty hard by the judges, particularly Conant. His venison was entirely overdone, and Fabio defends himself by saying it was perfect when he pulled it out of the oven, but Conant shuts him down. "I'm the judge here, not you," he says, holding his hand up. Wow, what do you think it's like to work for this guy? Three-star power trip?

Conant officially became my least favorite judge of all time. He was downright disrespectful with his grilling. He just came off as a total jerk.

Toby says Stefan's dish was uninspired, and Stefan apologizes while slightly mocking Toby's British accent. (He should have mocked his safety glasses. You're not Bono, dude. And he looks stupid with them too.) Good work! Offend the judges! Stefan can't really think he's going home, though, and neither do I.

Things look worse for Jeff. The judges say his dish wasn't as flavorful as Josie's hot ceviche, and he tries to use his weakness -- too many different components -- as a defense, saying he did "19 more things" than Josie. (It's quality, not quantity, homie!)

After they file out, Tom says Jeff criticized the fact that Josie's ceviche was hot, but he points out that Jeff poached his shrimp ahead of time. A-ha! Maryann tells me that ceviche is "cooked" in acid and that the seafood is typically raw. Tom's point is pretty salient.

They shuffle back out, and the loser is Jeff. Jeff says he thinks differently than most other chefs, but he does seem to realize what his weak spots are. The poor guy is pretty hard on himself and says, "I think it's something that's going to stick with me for more than a decade." Wow.

Next week: eels!