Elimination Challenge

As they start to pick knives for groups, Ariane mentions that she guessed that it was wedding-related because she knew the "something old, something new phrase," on account of the fact that she's married. Dude, everyone knows that phrase! (Dude. I knew you were going to love that. That was one of those awkward lines coming from producers asking even more awkward questions.)

Radhika worries about being on Stefan's team. "I'd rather be on Satan's team than on Stefan's team." Hee. You know, come to think of it, Satan and Stefan have some similarities ... (Such as? How are you going to leave that hanging?!)

Turns out Padma is throwing a bridal shower for Gail and her nearest and dearest. Gail -- who looks great in her dress, by the way -- thanks the cheftestants for catering her bash (don't thank them yet, Gail), lists her no-no foods (black beans, veal), smacks 'em on the butts and lets them go. The knives either say "old," "new," "borrowed" or "blue" and four teams are organized along those themes.

Permit me a brief bean rant: I don't understand how you can not like a certain kind of bean -- black, red, dark red, white -- they pretty much taste the same! Maryann, I know you don't like kidney beans, and I just find it all so baffling. Lima and garbanzo, sure -- they stick out enough.

Long Island (Daniel) is pumped about Gail's nuptials. "I think she's gonna be a hot bride," he says. That's almost as awkward as Alex's comment about Ariane's cougar status in the Foo Fighters episode. Is it just me, or is this season a lot more aware of its sexuality? This season is the slutty sister among its family of older, more sedate siblings.

Hahaha. Yes, "Top Chef" has hit puberty. Good call, Maryann. What I liked about Daniel's comment is it started out normal: "I ama very excited and pumped to cook for her bridal shower. (pause) I think she's gonna be a hot bride." Goo!

But back to the teams.

Ariane, Radhika and Jamie are in the "something borrowed" team, and they settle on an Indian theme, "borrowing" from Radhika's culture. Jamie's all excited about her "secret ingredient," vadouvan, while Radhika worries about the judges thinking all she does is Indian. How many times have you said this now? You're sounding like a broken record.

I meant to text you to say: "Is Radhika Indian?"

Melissa, Leah and Fabio take on "something blue," which, as Fabio mentions, is the hardest. "There is no freaking blue food," he says. (OK, I'm starting to like Fabio a little more.) They decide on fish and some sort of sea theme.

Eugene, Carla and Long Island have "something new." At first, LI says he thinks of pickled things when he thinks of something new. And Gail likes pickled things, he says.

Whaaa?? Carla calls him on it, and they eventually settle on Eugene's idea of surf and turf sushi instead. Long Island and Eugene dance around talking about how awesome they are, but Carla isn't sure. (I was going to text you to say, "Does Eugene like sushi?") However, she keeps quiet because "I don't want to put a damper" on their excitement. GIRL, NO! Channel some assertive spirits or something! I smell trouble.

Jeff, Hosea and Stefan decide on a tomato trio for their "something old," which is kinda clever and kinda, well, old. Good job, guys. (Using heirloom tomatoes was the genius part.)

Stefan freaks out about Jeff's idea for a tomato sorbet and generally pisses off both his teammates. It's probably best they decided to do their own dishes.

At the market, Fabio is hands on with the fish, again. Carla loses her teammates and tells a short story about her and her husband's mating call SOS call: One calls "hooty" and the other responds "hoo." Cute. (That was my favorite non-sequitor of this episode.)

Team New fights as Stefan tries to call the shots on everyone's dish. Geez. I can call bottom teams already: Old and New. So many problems with New, and Stefan will drag Team Old down.

Stefan spent some time bitching about Jeff's sorbet and says, "Jeff has no friggin' clue -- it does not work."

Back in the kitchen, everyone gets to work. As Team Borrowed starts their meal, Radhika talks about how she wants to make a classic dish that isn't overtly Indian. Stop worry about your Indian-ness for one second dear. One. Second. (One whole second of sweet relief!)

Team New reveals their hodgepodge of a menu: Surf and turf sushi roll, frisee salad with won ton, a peach-miso BBQ sauce, and yuzu sorbet. Sounds like a side of crazy with a dash of Whaa? and a side of Oh Lordy. And when Long Island asks Eugene if he wants him to take the rice out of the cooker, Eugene tells him to leave it. Oh no. Warning bells going off again.

You have good intuition -- I didn't catch the rice part. I did notice that Eugene started calling LI Danny, though. Does that count?

Team Blue decides on Chilean sea bass in blue cornmeal, roasted corn puree, and swiss chard. The sea theme kinda got lost there. Hello? Where's the blue, folks?

Team Old chugs away on their tomato terrine wrapped in eggplant, carpaccio with tomato sorbet, and Hosea's "kick ass gazpacho." Hosea remarks, however, that he's taking a backseat, since he has immunity. What about going for the double-win, man? Where's the hunger?

Right here. I got your hunger right here, watching them cook. Mmm ... food.

Meanwhile, on Team Trainwreck New, Eugene throws a bit of a fit when he discovers his rice is too mushy. Dummy. He later decides he can "fix it" by changing the texture and making it chili pepper rice. I'm so lost with this man's thinking that I'm in smile-and-nod mode at this point.

As Tom goes around and checks in, he seems to share my confusion about Team New. And when he goes over to chat with Team Old, we find out Stefan has been married twice! To the same woman! Tom teases him, and Stefan flushes and loses his cool for the first time possibly ever. Well-done, Tom! (I have to note again that this is more pushing from the producers to get the cheftestants to talk about their spouses. We've already seen photos of Eugene and his bride, married in a courthouse, and will also see Fabio's wife.) Wonder how Stefan would stack up on the marriage calculator.

After meeting with the teams, Tom says New's dish will either soar or crash and burn and that Team Blue's dish doesn't seem exciting at all. Melissa also worries that their dish lacks some pizazz. Their dish sounds tasty, but it does seem to be a bit blah, breaded bass and all.

That night, Eugene comes up with the idea to make it even MORE complicated by making it a build-your-own sushi roll. Long Island declares its awesomeness as he pumps iron. (Memo to TV execs: Find the producer who's idea it was to include the dumbbells, and hire him or her immediately.) Stefan mentions they might be going on the wrong track, but Eugene isn't hearing it. Step off and let us crash and burn, he says.

I should note that Carla is also quietly complacent on these changes again. I liked what Stefan said about women not wanting to assemble their own food -- he barely wants to do it, he admits! I just keep thinking about all those pretty dresses Gail's friends will be wearing, and how roll-your-own sushi is such a bad, bad idea.

Also, while they're at home, we have a scene that fits in nowhere else -- Stefan hitting on Jamie, who clearly loves it despite her protestations, trying to kiss her, with Carla going "ewwww you're gross!" the whole time. The three of them are crammed into a bottom bunk together. This is definitely the middle school phase of the show.

Later on, the cheftestants reflect on marriage and relationships. Leah and Hosea said they get along well, but they're just friends. They have SOs at home. Anyone who's seen at least two episodes of Real World knows where this could go. Hosea even admits that they're flirting. Ouch.

Fabio talks about his wife, who is gorgeous, and Ariane reflects on Gail's special day. "You like to think she's only gonna get one!" she says. Ariane, that is the funniest thing you've said yet. Kudos.

In the kitchen

At the party, Tom camps out in the kitchen away from the giiiiirls (eeeeew coooooties), which includes Dana Cowin (left), the editor of Food and Wine magazine and the guest judge. Yikes. Fabio does not want Tom in the kitchen, he makes him nervous. "It's like you're a priest and the pope is in the room." Well, I guess you better get to praying, son.

As Team Old prepares the first course, Stefan continues to badmouth Don Johnson's sorbet. I have to agree that it isn't the prettiest thing, but neither is the terrine. The gazpacho is the prettiest thing on that plate.

I thought the terrine was really interesting looking, but then again I've never seen terrine. I'm going to stop defending Stefan now and go back to my hole.

Either way, Tom eats it all, and Gail loves the sorbet. (Take that, Stefan!)

Team New prepares next, and Eugene is ecstatic over his "creative and original dish." Long Island springs out some mushrooms at the last minute in Carla's salad, which is just wrong. Also wrong: When he described one of the elements as splooge. Eww. (I had to keep rewinding to get that quote. It was something like: "A little dab of this, a little dab of that, a little crunch of this, a little splooge of this." A LOT OF NO, SIR.)

Long Island declares that the women are gonna be so happy with their dishes that they'll wanna dance and take their clothes off (also kept rewinding to get this quote right -- he's on fire! Um, sexist fire. Yes.), but there's a problem: In his excitement, Eugene doesn't tell the ladies how to eat their food. Padma waves around her nori in confusion.

If you have to tell people how to eat your food, Eugene, you have a problem. There's shot after shot of the party guests looking confused and shoving giant pieces of lettuce in their mouths. I'm not hungry anymore.

As Team Borrowed prepares to plate, Ariane makes everyone a nervous wreck over the doneness of the lamb. Everything works out OK, all the cheftestants work together to help plate (I'm sure Carla was proud), and the end result is very pretty.

And it's tasty, too -- Gail says the dish makes her happy. And others are, too. We have a winner!

Lastly, comes out the Blue dish, which is so boring, it's barely worth re-capping. Jamie calls it bland and boring, Gail says that Chilean sea bass is not "the most politically correct choice," and one lady called it "old people food." Ruh roh. I'm not the foodie here, but I don't understand why it's boring, really. It looks interesting to me. Is it not inspired? Or just didn't taste good?

Elimination

Old and Borrowed take the top spots. Tom loved the sorbet (and that, Stefan!) and thought Team Borrowed did an amazing job by showcasing big flavors with subtlety. Right before they announce the winner, Jamie whispers to Ariane, "I want this win." (OK, do we really think it was RIGHT before the announcement or was it cut that way? I'm getting more and more skeptical of the editing.) And then the judges give Ariane the prize, some cookware that I honestly thought was kinda crappy for a reward. (Where are the trips and food excursions??)

Ariane feels bad about winning (OF COURSE SHE DOES), and Jamie doesn't help much. "Nobody expected anyone but me to win," Jamie says. Oh stop your griping. Suck it up and take it like a woman. (She is a brat.)

When it comes down to the bottom, the judges pile on Eugene about the confusion, the camouflaged rice, the whole mess. Carla says she wasn't incredibly happy about their dish, but dials down the criticism and takes some of the blame. I'm all about sticking together, but Carla should speak up some. Save yourself! Meanwhile, Long Island and Eugene are stuck in Awesome Land, still thinking they did a great job, make-you-own-sushi, poorly cooked mushrooms and all.

I want to focus a little more on the mushrooms -- LI cooked them apropos of nothing, added them to the salad without permission, and THEN they detracted from the whole thing. I'd be furious if I were Carla, and indeed am for her -- but it's hard to stay so angry when she barely acknowledges the slight.

As for Team Blue, Tom says it was a safe dish that fit the theme a little too well: "It gave me the blues. It was a sad plate." Tom puts Fabio on the defensive with the safe comment, but Fabio holds back.

I was half-wrong about the bottom groups, but I call Eugene as going home. And it seems Eugene and Long Island have the same idea -- as the judges deliberate, the two exchange phone numbers.

At the big announcement, Tom lets Team Blue off the hook. He then focuses on Team New, telling Eugene he should have thrown out the rice, and taking Carla to task for not speaking up and letting the team sink so low. "Quite frankly, I would like to send all three of you home," he says.

AND HE DOES!

Just kidding. Only Daniel.

Even at the end, it's apparent that Daniel doesn't get it, saying other people (Eugene?) would have gone home if he had thrown people under the bus. He then ends with the most elegant closing speech in all of reality television that I have to repeat it. I rewound my DVR so I could get this gem word-by-word:

"I do feel like they made the wrong decision, but there's nothing I can do, it's out of my hands, you know? There's wrong decisions in football games, you know what i mean? [Indecipherable] loses the ball, the guy grabs the back of his jersey, the refs didn't see it, but all the fans saw it. So everybody's booing. You know what I mean? The ref makes the final call, and there's nothing you can do."

I couldn't have said it better.

Maryann's highlights

Best moment(s): The subtle Stefan beat-down. He loses in Quickfire when he's certain he's gonna win, then the dish he totally poo-poos becomes one of the stars of the judges table. Yeah, I'm evil. I also give an honorable mention to Hosea's Bacon is a Vegetable T-shirt. Yes, bacon has jumped the shark and I don't care.

Worst moment: When Ariane apologized for winning. Where's your confidence?

Who to watch: Leah and Hosea. Will there finally be a Top Chef hookup? And, oh yeah, Carla. I think she may be a sleeper dominator.

Mary's highlights:

Best moment: Carla's hooty-hoo calling in Whole Foods just made me giggle.

Worst moment: Every single time Daniel opened his mouth. Kick him off just for being sexist! Oh, he's gone. OK, good.

Who to watch: Stefan. OK, I just typed his name first before even typing "who to watch." I think I have a crush on him. He says, "me and Jamie have an edgy thing going on." Rawr.