Howdy, Mary here, carrying out the main recapping duties for the Christmas-in-July episode of "Top Chef." I don't actually know what month this was filmed in, but I know it wasn't December -- one more awkward set of holiday wishes, after the Thanksgiving episode, that I cringe my way through.

I always enjoy the tidbits as the show opens, and we begin with Ariane again, who says her focus is on the food she knows. She still has that air of incredulosity about her, tied to her recent wins, and she says, "I've learned just to do my food and keep it simple. Simple is good." Simple will become this episode's theme.

We also see Eugene looking determined to stick around, and he says, "I was brought here for my particular style of Pacific Rim cooking," and I'm going to stick to it. How about thinking outside the sushi, Eugene?

I was happy to hear Eugene describe his cooking because all I've seen is sushi. Oh, and that awesome roast in the Thanksgiving episode.

We also catch a little bit of Hosea on the phone (Sidekick product placement alert! He looks like he has no idea how to end the call.) with his sister, discussing his dad, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. This seemed a little like Alex a few episodes back, in his I-have-a-life-and-I-want-to-go-home sort of way.

And Stefan and Fabio are in the confessional (what are we calling the camera room?) talking about how their plan is to first beat everyone else, then beat each other. With sticks, I think Fabio says. He cracked me up this episode.

I agree. I've really come to love Fabio as his personality has come out during the show. But, it seems his food has suffered in the meantime.

Quickfire Challenge

We knew from last week's teaser that the guest would be Martha Stewart, and she comes bearing her new book, Cooking With Martha Stewart Something or Other Martha Stewart's Cooking School. Do judges ever come on anymore who don't have a recent book out? And/or bring a better prize? Autograph schmatograph. I know Maryann has some thoughts on this. (By the way, Carla's face is priceless when Stewart walks in.)

I've been saying stuff here and there, but I'm about to combust. Chefs don't want a cookbook! They want cool food experiences! Cover up the product placements a little bit better, Top Chef producers.

The challenge is to create a one-pot holiday meal in 45 minutes, and Martha admonishes them to "make it simple but not too simple" a la Albert Einstein. About half the chefs start cooking one thing after another in the pot, and the rest make a true one-pot dish -- everything at once. Hosea goes for paella, which I thought was the most inspired choice. It may not scream "Christmas," but at least it's delicious and all cooked in one pot.

I agree. The people who cooked one thing, then another totally cheated. Those meals were one-pot-plus-a-plate-or-Tupperware meals.

Jamie makes a potato stew with scallops, and Martha says something about going diving for scallops off the coast of Maine in January. What? That can't be true. Ariane does a cauliflower puree with steak, and Martha is blown away that it doesn't include butter -- olive oil and cream, Ariane says. Isn't that just as bad for you?

Fabio does a polenta with duck breast and goes off on a tangent about how he had to stir a lot of polenta when he was 6 to keep him out of trouble. (I love the part where Fabio offers Stefan a taste his polenta, on his spoon, and Stefan puts it on his finger to taste it. Cute!) Eugene goes for a pork stew that his grandma used to make and has to add cornstarch to thicken in because of the time -- Martha, of course, notices right away.

The Elimination Challenge

As soon as Martha's done pimping her book, in walks the Harlem Gospel Choir, singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas," to introduce the elimination challenge. We learn that each chef must make a dish inspired by one of the 12 days and its accompanying gifts.

Awkward moment when the choir members start singing the individual days. I love the look on Stefan's face when they sing his pick.

They draw knives and find out they have to make the dish for a party of 250 people the next day, with three hours of prep tonight. Carla, who runs a catering company, says, ""This challenge is so daunting to me and so unrealistic that I cannot compute."

Posted by Mary Hartney at 8:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)
Categories: Top Chef
        

American Idol will be back in just a couple of weeks with a new judge and a couple of tweaks to the formatting. (The new season premieres Tuesday and Wednesday, Jan. 13 and 14 at 8/7c)

As I've already reported, songwriter Kara DioGuardi will be the fourth judge on the panel. (Simon Cowell will break tie votes to decide if a singer goes to Hollywood.)

The show will also add a second week of the Hollywood round. The Idol Gives Back charity fundraiser is taking the year off but is expected to return for a third time in Season 9. Season 8 will open with three weeks of auditions rather than four, creating room for the second Hollywood week.

"They're not mega-changes. They are just little things to keep the whole format fresh and interesting," said executive producer Ken Warwick about all the tweaks. Read more about the changes here.

In other Idol news, Warwick addressed allegations made by judge Paula Abdul that producers from the show allowed contestant Paula Goodspeed to tryout for the show even though Abdul complained that the woman stalked her. (Goodspeed died of an apparent suicide last month near Abdul's home.)

Warwick said he was not aware of reports that Goodspeed had stalked Abdul before her 2006 audition, according to a USA Today article.

"I might have known she was a fan. … Obviously, if we honestly thought there was any real problem there, we would never have" let her perform before the judges.)

Posted by John-John Williams IV at 4:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Categories: American Idol
        

It came down to one vote separating Bob and Susie from winning Survivor: Gabon.

Bob, the physics professor, who was essentially the last kid picked for the neighborhood game, found a way to win the competition. Read more here.

At 57, Bob is the oldest competitor to win the show. Way to go Bob!

Posted by John-John Williams IV at 4:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Categories: Survivor
        

On this week's Top Chef, crushes are revealed! (Stephan hearts Jamie, despite her lesbianism.) Egos are crushed! (I'm not gonna tell you that one so early!) Dishes are ruined! (OK, that happens every week.)

I'll stop teasing you and jump right into the show, which was a huge improvement from last week's yawnfest. (BTW: Maryann doing the heavy lifting this recap, and Mary's in italics.)

Padma shows up in adorable braids and tells the cheftestants that, this week, they are the judges!

The Quickfire Challenge is the palate test, one of my favorite Top Chef challenges of last season. But this time, it's even better: a head-to-head, I-can-name-ingredients-better-than-you tournament-style elimination.

Two chefs would taste the soup at one time, then try to name more ingredients than the other.

Daniel is the first out, even though Hosea said that Daniel's "actually got more of a brain than people think."

Given all the terrifically sexist things he says later, I'm gonna go with no on that one.

Ariane beats Don Johnson (AKA Jeff) (a new nickname every week?); Stefan beats Jamie (all's fair in love and war, right?); Leah gets to the next round when Eugene incorrectly guesses fish sauce in the lobster and shrimp bouillabaisse; Radhika bests Fabio; and Carla, who says she can taste food in her mind (I heart you, Miss Hippy Dippy), wins over Melissa.

In Round 2, Hosea tops Ariane with his list of seven ingredients in the Thai green curry, and Stefan beats Leah when he names eight ingredients. "Stefan is a [donkey's butt]," Leah says. In general, I agree, but I didn't think he was particularly bad in that competition. Radhika bombs against Carla when she incorrectly guesses there's chili powder. "I'm so embarrassed," she says. "I have a great palate, but I lost my mind." Apparently.

In the last round, with Carla, Hosea and Stefan, Padma turns it spelling bee-style. Each will name an ingredient in the Mexican mole sauce until there is only one cheftestant left! Carla's out on the first try, with her guess of peanut butter. "I was so disappointed with myself," she says. It's OK. It happens to the best of us. (I got out in regional spelling bee with the word "litterbug." I still cry myself to sleep over that.)

Stefan and Hosea go back and forth, but Stefan eventually strikes out by guessing tomato paste.

Hosea celebrates beating tough, big-ego Stefan. "I out-palated him," he says. Uh, we'll let you make up words for now, because you beat Stefan.

Stefan is definitely the villian this episode. Jamie said earlier that his role on the show is as a "button-pusher." Sems like a fair assessment -- but everyone's got it out for him. I happen to like his self-assuredness, and the man can cook. Bunch of haters.

Elimination Challenge

As they start to pick knives for groups, Ariane mentions that she guessed that it was wedding-related because she knew the "something old, something new phrase," on account of the fact that she's married. Dude, everyone knows that phrase! (Dude. I knew you were going to love that. That was one of those awkward lines coming from producers asking even more awkward questions.)

Radhika worries about being on Stefan's team. "I'd rather be on Satan's team than on Stefan's team." Hee. You know, come to think of it, Satan and Stefan have some similarities ... (Such as? How are you going to leave that hanging?!)

Turns out Padma is throwing a bridal shower for Gail and her nearest and dearest. Gail -- who looks great in her dress, by the way -- thanks the cheftestants for catering her bash (don't thank them yet, Gail), lists her no-no foods (black beans, veal), smacks 'em on the butts and lets them go. The knives either say "old," "new," "borrowed" or "blue" and four teams are organized along those themes.

Permit me a brief bean rant: I don't understand how you can not like a certain kind of bean -- black, red, dark red, white -- they pretty much taste the same! Maryann, I know you don't like kidney beans, and I just find it all so baffling. Lima and garbanzo, sure -- they stick out enough.

Long Island (Daniel) is pumped about Gail's nuptials. "I think she's gonna be a hot bride," he says. That's almost as awkward as Alex's comment about Ariane's cougar status in the Foo Fighters episode. Is it just me, or is this season a lot more aware of its sexuality? This season is the slutty sister among its family of older, more sedate siblings.

Hahaha. Yes, "Top Chef" has hit puberty. Good call, Maryann. What I liked about Daniel's comment is it started out normal: "I ama very excited and pumped to cook for her bridal shower. (pause) I think she's gonna be a hot bride." Goo!

But back to the teams.

Ariane, Radhika and Jamie are in the "something borrowed" team, and they settle on an Indian theme, "borrowing" from Radhika's culture. Jamie's all excited about her "secret ingredient," vadouvan, while Radhika worries about the judges thinking all she does is Indian. How many times have you said this now? You're sounding like a broken record.

I meant to text you to say: "Is Radhika Indian?"

Melissa, Leah and Fabio take on "something blue," which, as Fabio mentions, is the hardest. "There is no freaking blue food," he says. (OK, I'm starting to like Fabio a little more.) They decide on fish and some sort of sea theme.

Eugene, Carla and Long Island have "something new." At first, LI says he thinks of pickled things when he thinks of something new. And Gail likes pickled things, he says.

Whaaa?? Carla calls him on it, and they eventually settle on Eugene's idea of surf and turf sushi instead. Long Island and Eugene dance around talking about how awesome they are, but Carla isn't sure. (I was going to text you to say, "Does Eugene like sushi?") However, she keeps quiet because "I don't want to put a damper" on their excitement. GIRL, NO! Channel some assertive spirits or something! I smell trouble.

Jeff, Hosea and Stefan decide on a tomato trio for their "something old," which is kinda clever and kinda, well, old. Good job, guys. (Using heirloom tomatoes was the genius part.)

Stefan freaks out about Jeff's idea for a tomato sorbet and generally pisses off both his teammates. It's probably best they decided to do their own dishes.

At the market, Fabio is hands on with the fish, again. Carla loses her teammates and tells a short story about her and her husband's mating call SOS call: One calls "hooty" and the other responds "hoo." Cute. (That was my favorite non-sequitor of this episode.)

Team New fights as Stefan tries to call the shots on everyone's dish. Geez. I can call bottom teams already: Old and New. So many problems with New, and Stefan will drag Team Old down.

Stefan spent some time bitching about Jeff's sorbet and says, "Jeff has no friggin' clue -- it does not work."

Back in the kitchen, everyone gets to work. As Team Borrowed starts their meal, Radhika talks about how she wants to make a classic dish that isn't overtly Indian. Stop worry about your Indian-ness for one second dear. One. Second. (One whole second of sweet relief!)

Team New reveals their hodgepodge of a menu: Surf and turf sushi roll, frisee salad with won ton, a peach-miso BBQ sauce, and yuzu sorbet. Sounds like a side of crazy with a dash of Whaa? and a side of Oh Lordy. And when Long Island asks Eugene if he wants him to take the rice out of the cooker, Eugene tells him to leave it. Oh no. Warning bells going off again.

You have good intuition -- I didn't catch the rice part. I did notice that Eugene started calling LI Danny, though. Does that count?

Team Blue decides on Chilean sea bass in blue cornmeal, roasted corn puree, and swiss chard. The sea theme kinda got lost there. Hello? Where's the blue, folks?

Team Old chugs away on their tomato terrine wrapped in eggplant, carpaccio with tomato sorbet, and Hosea's "kick ass gazpacho." Hosea remarks, however, that he's taking a backseat, since he has immunity. What about going for the double-win, man? Where's the hunger?

Right here. I got your hunger right here, watching them cook. Mmm ... food.

Meanwhile, on Team Trainwreck New, Eugene throws a bit of a fit when he discovers his rice is too mushy. Dummy. He later decides he can "fix it" by changing the texture and making it chili pepper rice. I'm so lost with this man's thinking that I'm in smile-and-nod mode at this point.

As Tom goes around and checks in, he seems to share my confusion about Team New. And when he goes over to chat with Team Old, we find out Stefan has been married twice! To the same woman! Tom teases him, and Stefan flushes and loses his cool for the first time possibly ever. Well-done, Tom! (I have to note again that this is more pushing from the producers to get the cheftestants to talk about their spouses. We've already seen photos of Eugene and his bride, married in a courthouse, and will also see Fabio's wife.) Wonder how Stefan would stack up on the marriage calculator.

After meeting with the teams, Tom says New's dish will either soar or crash and burn and that Team Blue's dish doesn't seem exciting at all. Melissa also worries that their dish lacks some pizazz. Their dish sounds tasty, but it does seem to be a bit blah, breaded bass and all.

That night, Eugene comes up with the idea to make it even MORE complicated by making it a build-your-own sushi roll. Long Island declares its awesomeness as he pumps iron. (Memo to TV execs: Find the producer who's idea it was to include the dumbbells, and hire him or her immediately.) Stefan mentions they might be going on the wrong track, but Eugene isn't hearing it. Step off and let us crash and burn, he says.

I should note that Carla is also quietly complacent on these changes again. I liked what Stefan said about women not wanting to assemble their own food -- he barely wants to do it, he admits! I just keep thinking about all those pretty dresses Gail's friends will be wearing, and how roll-your-own sushi is such a bad, bad idea.

Also, while they're at home, we have a scene that fits in nowhere else -- Stefan hitting on Jamie, who clearly loves it despite her protestations, trying to kiss her, with Carla going "ewwww you're gross!" the whole time. The three of them are crammed into a bottom bunk together. This is definitely the middle school phase of the show.

Later on, the cheftestants reflect on marriage and relationships. Leah and Hosea said they get along well, but they're just friends. They have SOs at home. Anyone who's seen at least two episodes of Real World knows where this could go. Hosea even admits that they're flirting. Ouch.

Fabio talks about his wife, who is gorgeous, and Ariane reflects on Gail's special day. "You like to think she's only gonna get one!" she says. Ariane, that is the funniest thing you've said yet. Kudos.

In the kitchen

At the party, Tom camps out in the kitchen away from the giiiiirls (eeeeew coooooties), which includes Dana Cowin (left), the editor of Food and Wine magazine and the guest judge. Yikes. Fabio does not want Tom in the kitchen, he makes him nervous. "It's like you're a priest and the pope is in the room." Well, I guess you better get to praying, son.

As Team Old prepares the first course, Stefan continues to badmouth Don Johnson's sorbet. I have to agree that it isn't the prettiest thing, but neither is the terrine. The gazpacho is the prettiest thing on that plate.

I thought the terrine was really interesting looking, but then again I've never seen terrine. I'm going to stop defending Stefan now and go back to my hole.

Either way, Tom eats it all, and Gail loves the sorbet. (Take that, Stefan!)

Team New prepares next, and Eugene is ecstatic over his "creative and original dish." Long Island springs out some mushrooms at the last minute in Carla's salad, which is just wrong. Also wrong: When he described one of the elements as splooge. Eww. (I had to keep rewinding to get that quote. It was something like: "A little dab of this, a little dab of that, a little crunch of this, a little splooge of this." A LOT OF NO, SIR.)

Long Island declares that the women are gonna be so happy with their dishes that they'll wanna dance and take their clothes off (also kept rewinding to get this quote right -- he's on fire! Um, sexist fire. Yes.), but there's a problem: In his excitement, Eugene doesn't tell the ladies how to eat their food. Padma waves around her nori in confusion.

If you have to tell people how to eat your food, Eugene, you have a problem. There's shot after shot of the party guests looking confused and shoving giant pieces of lettuce in their mouths. I'm not hungry anymore.

As Team Borrowed prepares to plate, Ariane makes everyone a nervous wreck over the doneness of the lamb. Everything works out OK, all the cheftestants work together to help plate (I'm sure Carla was proud), and the end result is very pretty.

And it's tasty, too -- Gail says the dish makes her happy. And others are, too. We have a winner!

Lastly, comes out the Blue dish, which is so boring, it's barely worth re-capping. Jamie calls it bland and boring, Gail says that Chilean sea bass is not "the most politically correct choice," and one lady called it "old people food." Ruh roh. I'm not the foodie here, but I don't understand why it's boring, really. It looks interesting to me. Is it not inspired? Or just didn't taste good?

Elimination

Old and Borrowed take the top spots. Tom loved the sorbet (and that, Stefan!) and thought Team Borrowed did an amazing job by showcasing big flavors with subtlety. Right before they announce the winner, Jamie whispers to Ariane, "I want this win." (OK, do we really think it was RIGHT before the announcement or was it cut that way? I'm getting more and more skeptical of the editing.) And then the judges give Ariane the prize, some cookware that I honestly thought was kinda crappy for a reward. (Where are the trips and food excursions??)

Ariane feels bad about winning (OF COURSE SHE DOES), and Jamie doesn't help much. "Nobody expected anyone but me to win," Jamie says. Oh stop your griping. Suck it up and take it like a woman. (She is a brat.)

When it comes down to the bottom, the judges pile on Eugene about the confusion, the camouflaged rice, the whole mess. Carla says she wasn't incredibly happy about their dish, but dials down the criticism and takes some of the blame. I'm all about sticking together, but Carla should speak up some. Save yourself! Meanwhile, Long Island and Eugene are stuck in Awesome Land, still thinking they did a great job, make-you-own-sushi, poorly cooked mushrooms and all.

I want to focus a little more on the mushrooms -- LI cooked them apropos of nothing, added them to the salad without permission, and THEN they detracted from the whole thing. I'd be furious if I were Carla, and indeed am for her -- but it's hard to stay so angry when she barely acknowledges the slight.

As for Team Blue, Tom says it was a safe dish that fit the theme a little too well: "It gave me the blues. It was a sad plate." Tom puts Fabio on the defensive with the safe comment, but Fabio holds back.

I was half-wrong about the bottom groups, but I call Eugene as going home. And it seems Eugene and Long Island have the same idea -- as the judges deliberate, the two exchange phone numbers.

At the big announcement, Tom lets Team Blue off the hook. He then focuses on Team New, telling Eugene he should have thrown out the rice, and taking Carla to task for not speaking up and letting the team sink so low. "Quite frankly, I would like to send all three of you home," he says.

AND HE DOES!

Just kidding. Only Daniel.

Even at the end, it's apparent that Daniel doesn't get it, saying other people (Eugene?) would have gone home if he had thrown people under the bus. He then ends with the most elegant closing speech in all of reality television that I have to repeat it. I rewound my DVR so I could get this gem word-by-word:

"I do feel like they made the wrong decision, but there's nothing I can do, it's out of my hands, you know? There's wrong decisions in football games, you know what i mean? [Indecipherable] loses the ball, the guy grabs the back of his jersey, the refs didn't see it, but all the fans saw it. So everybody's booing. You know what I mean? The ref makes the final call, and there's nothing you can do."

I couldn't have said it better.

Maryann's highlights

Best moment(s): The subtle Stefan beat-down. He loses in Quickfire when he's certain he's gonna win, then the dish he totally poo-poos becomes one of the stars of the judges table. Yeah, I'm evil. I also give an honorable mention to Hosea's Bacon is a Vegetable T-shirt. Yes, bacon has jumped the shark and I don't care.

Worst moment: When Ariane apologized for winning. Where's your confidence?

Who to watch: Leah and Hosea. Will there finally be a Top Chef hookup? And, oh yeah, Carla. I think she may be a sleeper dominator.

Mary's highlights:

Best moment: Carla's hooty-hoo calling in Whole Foods just made me giggle.

Worst moment: Every single time Daniel opened his mouth. Kick him off just for being sexist! Oh, he's gone. OK, good.

Who to watch: Stefan. OK, I just typed his name first before even typing "who to watch." I think I have a crush on him. He says, "me and Jamie have an edgy thing going on." Rawr.

Posted by Maryann James at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Categories: Top Chef
        

As predicted, Nick and Starr won The Amazing Race. These two dominated the last half of the season. They won more weeks than I can remember, and they were also pretty entertaining. (The Starr and Dallas potential romance gave the show a subplot.) Basically, they deserved to win.

There were times during the season finale that I thought second-place finishers Ken and Tina might pull off the victory. (They led going into the first challenge; they were basically neck and neck with the eventual winners through most of the race.) But Nick's positive attitude and Starr's competitiveness resulted in the win.

Frat boys Dan and Andrew were in distant third for most of the episode. They were pretty funny about the whole thing.

"It's appropriate that we finished the race how we started: with an incredible amount of mistakes," one of them said.

Ken and Tina -- the seperated married couple -- said they found love during the trip. (They said that they intended to give their marriage another try. (Once a cheater always a cheater. Remember that Tina ... )

Speaking of romance, I was surprised to see all of the teams at the finish line except for Toni and Dallas, who were eliminated last week after Dallas lost their passports and money. This entire season, Dallas and Starr were flirting up a storm, but there was no resolution. I wonder if Toni and Dallas got caught up in Russia without their passports? But more importantly, I really want to know if Dallas and Starr hooked up after the show? Has anyone heard any news about them?

Posted by John-John Williams IV at 7:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Categories: The Amazing Race
        

Hi, it's Mary, and I want to say that I'm really going to try to keep this entry at a reasonable length and not type out every single thing we saw on "Top Chef: New York" last night. But I also must tell you that the show opened with Jeff doing shoulder exercises with some very light weights on a balcony and Ariane rambling about how she wants to keep her streak going since she made one decent dish (last week's turkey) in three episodes.

Now then! On to the Quickfire Challenge. 

Wait, no. One more thing from the opening that I failed to mention: Richard left Alex a "sincere" and "emotional" letter before he left last week, and Alex decides to read it aloud to Jamie and Carla. By the end of this two-page letter, filled with Richard's hopes and dreams and general schlock, all three of them are crying. Much like how Richard cried for several long and painful minutes last episode. Ugh.

I'd also like to add that Jamie mentions she's wearing a rainbow bracelet as a show of solidarity for the now-disbanded "team rainbow." I find it hard not to roll my eyes in the back of my head.

OK! Quickfire. The guest judge is Rocco DiSpirito and while all the cheftestants are more than aware of his fame, none seem too impressed. Their challenge, after Padma wishes them a good morning and we're all quite sure it's more like 5 p.m. when this is filming, is to create a breakfast amuse-bouche.

Our friend Erin has joined Maryann and I for this viewing, and she quips, "I don't want my bouche amused at breakfast." Touche. (That seemed to work there because the spelling is similar to bouche. No?)

An amuse is a one-bite sampler that a chef sends out to wake up and prepare diners' palates. Breakfast is an interesting -- but not that interesting -- twist. (One of many such ones this show.) Leah goes a little overboard making that point that an amuse is just one bite and how she should win because a lot of people's dishes are more than a bite.

She seemed like the class know-it-all with that snippy comment. Congratulations, Leah, you get a gold star. 

Jeff went the most overboard, with a twice-baked potato, a yogurt sorbet (didn't he learn after last week's pumpkin foam debacle?) AND some giant grass ... salad ... thing. (There, to the left.) The grass thingy held the fresh fruit, which was on skewers. This somehow makes more sense and less sense at the same time. Just ... why?! It reminds me of that book of 1970s Weight Watchers recipe cards that you gave me. Frankfurter surprise anyone? Snack on a stick? Fruit skewers hidden in grass?

There are a lot of takes on French toast, a few sandwiches, and both Leah's bacon, quail egg and cheese sandwich and Jamie's mini BLT are favorites of Rocco and Padma.

Rocco dings Daniel for using a too-sweet cornflake crust on his zucchini flower fritter, and Stefan's huevos rancheros in an egg cup look interesting and get high marks.

But Leah, after pointedly pointing out that her dish really was one bite, is the Quickfire winner. (That's two in a row for her.) I love that it came down to Leah and Jamie, after Leah stomped all over Jamie's dish earlier. It probably was one of the best parts of the show for me.

Padma and Rocco launch right into the Elimination Challenge.

The cheftestants must make a dish suitable for demonstrating to a live television audience in two and a half minutes. It's not clear whether this has to be made in those two and a half minutes, or whether they can prep, and Melissa later worries about this exact point. Most go for the prepping ahead of time, although Ariane decides on a simple salad and Alex decides to go "out of the box" and make a rose-water creme brulee. I hated Ariane's idea -- I can't get into watermelon as a savory dish -- and loved Alex's. Rose-water creme brulee? Mmmm.

Listening to him talk about how he's taking a chance is like listening to that song that used to run on "Sesame Street." "One of these things is not like the others ... one of these people is doing his own thing ... " But ominous. Set to ominous music. Hahaha, so true. At this point, creme brulee is as "out of the box" as tapas.

The cheftestants do the whole Whole Foods thing, except for the part where Eugene, Jeff and Fabio insist on cutting their own fish behind the counter. What kind of weird Alpha Male crap was that?

The chefs are making a variety of dishes. Carla says the first thing that came to her was a tortilla soup (really? Why?), Eugene is doing sushi, Daniel is marinating a skirt steak, and Ariane starts chopping up a giant watermelon for her salad.

I actually thought tortilla soup was a good choice -- sounds different without being too out there. Like Eugene's sushi. How many people are going to want to make their own sushi and, as Erin points out, have access to sushi-grade fish? Daniel's skirt steak was genius -- quick to fix, accessible, tasty, hard to mess up.

Soon enough, the chefs are put in front of a set and are surrounded by the judges as they explain their dishes to the camera. But! Foreshadowing! This is not the real challenge! Mostly Tom just looks amused to be part of this.

Ariane does surprisingly well (Maryann, I see you rolling your eyes), and there are a lot of flub-ups despite many of the chefs' bragging that they've already done this on live TV (Jamie, I'm looking at you). Daniel seems to think he's camera-friendly, and mugs like crazy during his set, while smoking out the whole room while cooking.

I don't roll my eyes at Ariane doing well -- I love underdogs -- I just hate that she doesn't have ANY confidence in herself. Grow some ovaries, woman! As for Long Island (aka Daniel), he was just too. much. He was like a mini Emeril on camera, which isn't a good thing.

Jamie's egg never sets for her frisee salad, and the judges have to swallow it raw. (When I saw Rocco eat the egg, I was impressed. He's brave.) Eugene can't answer the difference between sushi and sashimi, and Tom practically spits out Melissa's shrimp dish because it's too spicy. 

Before his segment is shown, we cut to Alex saying, ""I have problems speaking to people in public; I'm a chef, not a public servant. Or whatever." (My favorite quote of the show! Hee!) Not surprisingly, his creme brulee does not go over well. Turns out it's not set -- an hour wasn't enough time to make, bake and set the brulee, even on the best of days. Big surprise there.

The judges briefly confer, then pick out a bottom three -- Alex, Jamie and Melissa -- and a top three -- Jeff, Fabio and Ariane. Padma tells them it's late and they'll do final judges table tomorrow (a-ha! So that's how it works!), and they slink home. Jamie cries herself to sleep, while Melissa gets a pep talk on how to boot Alex off the show. He's getting married in less than three weeks, and it's all he can talk about. Bad Sign No. 3.

In the middle of the night, Tom steals into the cheftestants' rooms and brings the top three to the kitchen. They're going to create their dishes for the Today show, and the winner will be chosen live. (I'm going to jump ahead here to make clear in retrospect what was not at that moment: the live show never airs, as far as we know, though we do see the hosts eating and discussing the food. Instead, the winner will have a guest appearance on this morning's "Today.") (Update with correction: The footage of the hosts tasting the food did indeed air, a while ago, I'm told by commenter Lisa.)

Ariane is excited and thinks she has a good chance because she watches the show all the time, which makes perfect sense, if you're Ariane. Jeff is, in his words, "pissed." "I'm going to be serving a Middle Eastern roll to a bunch of ladies with unsophisticated palates at 6:37 a.m." I'm really not sure what his problem is, especially since the cameras showed us approximately 201 shots of Jeff leisurely doing yoga in his bed after Tom woke him up. He ought to be refreshed.

The biggest drama during the tasting -- which all the other cheftestants are forced to watch in their apartment -- is that Kathie Lee spits out Jeff's shrimp cabbage roll. So would I! That sounds terrible. (I don't eat seafood. Or cabbage.) Honestly, though, the only chef who really seems to have understood how her food was going to play on television and with these judges was Ariane, whose Jersey tomato/feta/watermelon salad was simple enough to be easy but interesting enough to make her the winner.

I was most excited about Jeff's. I'm not a huge fan of tuna, and we already know my aversion to watermelon as a savory food. I think that his dish was the most inventive in the top three.

Yes, Ariane's the winner, and she's beside herself. At the judges table, convened shortly after the Today stuff is over and done with it, she wins a bag of chef tools from Rocco and is told about her gig this morning. Pretty good prize, I think.

The episode has been mostly uninteresting until this point, when I realize we still have 10 or so minutes left, and I'd forgotten all about the elimination. Oh, yeah! The fun part!

The Elimination

Melissa, Jamie and Alex stand before the judges with their heads hanging, after another whole day of thinking about what they did wrong. Alex is happy to own up to the fact that he made a poor choice, but Jamie defends her defensiveness over her uncooked egg, and Melissa offers a really impassioned defense that's unfortunately mostly nonsensical. She should be there because she wants to be there, and she still doesn't think her dish was too spicy. Tom has news for her, that seems to go in one ear and out the other.

When Melissa said she wanted to be here more than any of the other chefs there, Tom said it sounded as if she knew of someone who didn't want to be there. Such an instigator!

After their original lashing, Melissa continues the backtalk backstage, throwing Alex "under the bus," as he puts it. She seems like she was talked into defending herself offensively, and there's nothing she can do at this point.

I really don't understand this, just like the other bit of backroom drama between Long Island and Jamie last week. It seems out of context and not really from anything. Melissa had the chance to throw Alex under the bus by saying he didn't want to be there, but she didn't. A fuss over nothing!

That catty little episode ends, and we're not surprised to learn Alex is leaving. There's no heartfelt note this time (that we know of) or crying (that we saw); he just heads for the door and calls it a day. As am I.

I was completely disappointed by this episode, just full of more product hawking -- Rocco's book is a crappy Quickfire prize, folks -- boring dishes and, as MrsJudge pointed out last week, confusing drama. I'm also surprised they had the chef personality test so early on in the competition. I, too, will head to bed. But I will be dreaming of a better episode for next week.

Posted by Mary Hartney at 1:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Categories: Top Chef