After watching last night's Rock of Love, I have one thing to say. Most of Bret Michaels' mojo must be hidden in his bandanna because when he showed up to a challenge with his head unfettered, he looked simply terrifying.

And lest there be any doubt, the total trashiness of the premiere continued -- besides the fighting (I'll get to that), the main challenge of the episode was seeing which of the women was best at phone sex. (Yes, I'm serious, and no, I'm not going to discuss how they made that determination.) The winners of the challenge got to spend some time in the studio with Bret, "contributing" to his new track. Mostly, I just felt bad for producer Don Was, who had to edit the caterwauling and other nonsense into the track and make it sound not-horrendous.

Back to the fighting. Heather overheard Erin talking about her ex-fiance and decided to tell everyone Erin was still in a relationship and "here for the wrong reasons." Erin explained to Bret that she was broken up with the guy. Erin also got in a fight with Brandi and mentioned her "meth-scratched face." Turns out Brandi was in a car accident and had more than 40 stitches in her face. She did not take kindly to that comment (despite the fact that she had been throwing some choice terminology at Erin moments before -- mostly about how Erin's augmented anatomy made her look like she should be in the circus).

Lacey decided she had it with Jess and threw her in the pool for no reason. Lacey also got in a fight with Dallas (Hometown: Houston) about animal rights that looks like it's going to continue into next week. (Remarkably, however, Lacey said nothing about the crime-against-nature-and-fashion cow-print coat that Bret was wearing during eliminations.)

And at long last, Tiffany, the one who got kicked out before the show even started last week, begged her way back in the house and then got so drunk she couldn't talk, got cut, along with three others.

Say it with me: Don't threaten me with a good time!